I'll skip the parts about speech indicators, and go on to the story
itself.

"I don't think I'm hungry, Ranma."
Ranma looked up from the menu.  Akane was very pale.
"I wish they'd just be quiet.  I want to go home."

To delineate Akane's speech from Ranma's action (since you're not
naming speakers here) should Akane's dialoge be in another paragraph?

Note my comments to Brian about conversation to ASCII.  I'll look over the
revision carefully before I release.

As for my comments...I personally like the writing style, and I found
this chapter interesting enough to read through once. I was not
interested enough, though, to go back and read yet another
start-from-the-beginning Ranma story. I'm all for things working out for
the best in real life, but in this chapter most of the entertainment
value of Ranma 1/2 seems to be missing. It does appear that you're
writing for some audience other than those readers seeking
entertainment, and since I'm not in and don't relate well with your
target audience, I don't think I can really comment on how to improve
the story along those lines.

Peter - since you haven't seen the previous chapters I'll fill you in a
little.  It's an alternate universe, and not really a re-telling.

There are some major divergences, such as Ranma getting privately educated
as they travel from place to place (the masters of the various dojos
taking an interest in him).

The girls are different - all three of them - because Nodoka came along
shortly after they lost their mother, and began "mothering" them.  Kasumi
is going to college, Nabiki's much nicer, and Akane is less violent (she
can even cook).

Ranma's never met Ukyo.  Shampoo won't be coming to Japan.

AND, from this point on there will be absolutely no more similarities to
the manga.

If you don't want to read the beginning of the story, that's okay.  I
don't read everything on the list either!  If you do wish to read it, you
can find it at http://karaohki.anifics.com/ttt.htm

 Thank you again for your comments.  Every little bit helps!

June



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