on 1/3/02 4:00 PM, Phillip Bickerstaff at darkphoenixvr@hotmail.com wrote:
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Dark Knight,
My comments are enclosed in square [] brackets. Please remember I am trying
to help, not hurt or hinder.
Don Granberry.
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: pkpro.txt
Phoenix Knight
By Dark Knight
Prologe
*Jusendo*
Ranma had just shattered Safffron causing the flames of his rebirth.
Well, you see, you are writing fiction here, not code. The two don't really
go together all that well. A better start would be something like this and
it is surprisingly simple:
"Ranma shattered Saffron with a downwards spiraling variant of the Hiryuu
Shoten Ha."
That tells all us serious Ranma fans where the start of your story is set
quite nicely. Beyond that, and this is actually a minor issue, the fight
between Ranma and Saffron finished on the slopes of Kenseizan (Fist
Perfection Mountain), not inside the caves of Jusendo. This is a minor
issue, ignore it if you wish.
Ranma rode the spiral to the top where he released his own downward veriation
of the
Hiryo Shouten Ha which activated the Dragon Tap so that he could save Akane's
life. Carrying AKane's body into the waters, Akane returned to her normal
size and then was brought back by the words spoken to her by Ranma. Those
words which echoed into her eyes and brought her back to life.
"I love you Akane, don't go, please come back."
Akane opened her eyes and looked at Ranma.
[You should pick a tense and stick with it. English stories are most often
written in the past tense. ]
She smiles [smiled] at him and it was then
that she noticed that Saffron was still up and pointed a hand at Ranma's
exposed back.
[I would break that up into more than one sentence. You are trying to pack
fifty feet of story into two feet of space. It doesn't work all that well.]
She couldn't even speak to warn him becuase she was so weak.
[Garbled idiom, of sorts. "She was so weak, she could not even ...]
"You will not live long enough to enjoy your shallow victory." screamed the
dying Phoenix.
[A good rule of thumb to live by is to always separate dialogue from the
narrative. It can be done correctly, but in most cases the story is more
easily followed by readers if you follow this rule. ]
He released a massive fire ball into Ranma's back that seeped
into him and started roasting him from the inside out as Saffron finally
reverted back to his egg form.
The last thing Ranma did before he himself was burned from the inside out was
toss Akane to Genma saying, "Tell her I loved her to the last." Ranma then
burst into flames. The flames were so hot that not even ashes were left of
Ranma's body when the flames finally died down.
Those who were still at the site of the battle morned [mourned] the loss of a
hero as
great as Ranma [Not a hard and fast rule, but it is usually best to use the
hero's entire name in this kind of context, ergo; "...mourned the loss of a
hero so great as Ranma Saotome.]. LIttle did they know that they would be
seeing him again.
*Tendo Dojo*
[The above *Tendo Dojo* is superfluous. When you say, "Tendo Nabiki was
laying in her room...," we know where that is.]
Tendo Nabiki was laying in her room, doing her usual book keeping when a
strange glowing [glow, rather than glowing] sprouted [emanated might be a
better word than "sprouted."] from the bott[o]m drawer of her desk. She knew
exactly what the glow was.
It was the glow from the Amulet she recieved when she
became a member of an order that predates most modern religions. The order of
the Phoenix. The same order that was founded during the first days of
Atlantis. She had been chosen to become a member of the highest order of them
because of her gift for gathering knowledge. She went to the drawer and
pulled out the Amulet. When she put the amulet around her neck, she felt the
call of Phoenix himself, which all Children of the Phoenix know from the
moment they are taken into the order.
[Nice try, but it leaves us cold. You need to work on your descriptive
narrative. You are using too many transitive verbs and passive voice
phrases. Try starting off with: The glow came from the amulet she
received...]
<Tendo Nabiki, the young man thet lives with you has been killed recently.>
<Phoenix, why tell me of this, if it is meant to be then nothing could have
prevented this. I will grieve for my sister's loss, but why tell me?"
<Because, every Scholar must have a Guardian, and Ranma shall be the leader of
your Guardians. He will return to you in a few days after I have shown him
the beginnings of what he will come to possess. After that point, you shall
instruct him on the ways and Arts you have learned. That is the duty of a
Scholar, thou you may not directly interfer with the events around you, you
may teach others how to do so. I have waited on telling you this until you
were ready and your first Guardian could be prepared for his task. You will
have others joining him, but they will be taught by him.>
<As you command Master Phoenix. I shall do as you have instructed and will
look forward to the return of Ranma. I will not let anyone know of what has
happened to him.>
<Be well Tendo Nabiki, and gather knowledge to spread.>
[Interaction between characters, such as described in the above paragraph,
should be separated by blank lines. That makes it much simpler for the
reader to determine who is thinking what at whom. For instance:
"Tendo Nabiki!" the distant voice rumbled. "The young man that lives with
you has just been killed."
"Phoenix," Nabiki thought in response. "Why tell me of this? I will...]
Nabiki took off the amulet and brought out her first book of knowledge, the
book that contained the first of the spells she ever learned, and began to
review them so that she could teach Ranma Ranma[??] upon his return.
*A place where time and space mean nothing*
[Please do dispense with these things. They are useless and do nothing to
contribute to your story.]
Ranma was floating in a vast nothingness taht he assumed was his death.
[Yet another passive voice sentence. The are truly hurting your prose. A
better formulation would be:
"Ranma floated in a vast nothingness he assumed to be his death."]
He
wished he could have married Akane, he wished he had told her just once while
she was alive what he really thought of her. There were always so many
regrets when life has ended.
As Ranma floated in the darkness, a ball of fire sprang into [to, rather than
into] life a few feet
ahead of him. He could feel the heat of the fire, but it didn't hurt him. AS
the fire grew larger, Ranma noticed it was taking the shape of a bird. When
the fire stopped moving and changing, a bird of pure fire was floating before
him. Ranma's first thought was that Saffrom had come to torture his sould
[soul, not sould] for
the rest of enternity.
[Separate dialogue from narrative! Always!]
"No Ranma, I am not the one you fought before. Saffron was a Phoenix that had
been corrupted by the power of ruling over others for to long. He was at one
time my most powerful Guardian, but he strayed from that path when others
sought him for his protection and made him their King and Lord. I am the one
that gave Saffron his powers. I am The Phoenix. I have had a following of
people throughout time that have followed my ways and my path. You follow a
similar path to that of mine, and since you died by the hand of my Guardian,
after defeating him, then you may become one of my Guardians."
[]
"Wha'cha talkin' about?"
[]
"Years ago on the island of Atlantis, there was a group of people who sought
my knowledge and power. I freely gave it to them, as well as a task for those
that could handle it. As such, the Path of the Phoenix was born. Those
people who could gather information and had the power became my Scholars. My
scholars gathered the information of the ages, recorded events and learned
everything capable to them. Their only price was that they could interfer
with nothing. They could not even use the powers they had to defend
themselves. If it was their time to die, they accepted the fact, and recorded
their last toughts into the amulet that each recieves when they become my
scholars. They impart the knowledge of where their library is so that what
they gathered would not be lost. I could not leave my scholars unprotected so
I created the second path, that of the Guardians, Their job would be to guard
the scholars, the knowledge and defend the innocent. You have already shown
the true qualities of be!
[The last sentence is badly garbled. The true qualities of be?]
ing a guardain and right now I have a scholar without one guradian and the
time is coming where she will need her guardian. You will be this guardian,
if you so chose [choose] to accept this burden. Mind you that this will be on
of the
hardest[most difficult rather than "hardest." Hardest is not actually proper
English and the Phoenix needs to sound serious.] things you have [ever]had
to do in your life, but in compensation, you will
be given powers to control some of the chaos that you bring to those around
you, and also be given the chance to live again. I can wait all of eternity
for your answer, but if you should wait to [too] long, then it may be too late
for
the scholar and you will [be sent] have to go where you are needed instead of
where you
woudl [would prefer] like to go."
[Okay, this creature needs to sound stentorian, but the prose does not live
up to his act. You need to re-write all of it. Make it formal. Drop all
colloquialisms and it will work. As it is, it reads like a "C" movie at the
drive-in theater.]
"You don't have to wait long. All I want to know is, will I be with Akane
when I go back?"
[]
"Yes, you could still live with her as long as your duties were carried out."
[]
"Then my answer is yes, I will do anything to be with the woman I love."
[]
"Very well then, I will begin your training in your new powers before you
leave here [drop the "here"]. When you return home, look for the woman who
carries this
amulet," Phoenix holds up a ruby amulet set in silver flames, "She is my
scholar and will train you further in time. [Further in time? That makes no
sense.]
You will also be chosing those
who would help you in times of need. For every scholar I have four guardians.
You will be the first, as well as their captain. You will make the decisions
as far as how the team uses their powers and when they use them. Both you and
the scholar will be teaching them my ways. Now for your first lesson.
Magic."
Intriguing ideas, Dark Knight. Intriguing indeed, but you really do need to
run a spell check in advance of posting. Also, if you are a Word user, it
does an excellent job of helping you get rid of passive voice sentences and
unwanted colloquialisms. You need to do a lot of that on this piece.
Good luck with your writing,
Don Granberry.
to be continued. . .
Praise will be thanked and flames will be sent to the fires of Phoenix himslef
to make him stronger. dark_knight_ranma@yahoo.com Thanks for reading.
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