As always, thanks for taking the time to comment!

More backlog. I probably wouldn't normally read an MTT fic, but Bert's
been a thoughtful and regular C&Cer for the list.

Well, I try.  Can't always spare the time, but we all have that issue.

"Miller, Bert" <Bert.Miller@unisys.com> wrote:

"So you created a Tokyo-wide LIGHT SHOW?" asked Nanaka in
disbelief, gesturing up at the sky above her.  Throughout the
atmosphere as far as the eye could see, brilliant florescences of

fluorescences	(I think)

probably.  Will check and change.

red, green, and white grew, flowered, and exploded, with the
remnants repeating the cycle.  Nanaka tried to estimate the sheer
power involved in conjuring this display and gave up.

This is not a bad description of the light show, but given how
central it is to the story, an even more extended one wouldn't be 
inappropriate.
(Not necessarily all in this particular paragraph, of course. In fact,
there might be some good possibilities for visual symbolism 
later, using the display to reflect the characters' changing moods.)

That's a VERY good idea.  Will implement.

"But it's Christmas, Nanaka," replied Sae, chastened.  "And I just
thought the city needed some cheering up."

"Did it occur to you that the defense forces might well be called
up, in case this is another alien invasion?" asked Nanaka angrily.

"Oh.  I didn't think of that." Sae shrank in on herself even more.

SAE: *sigh*

NANAKA: No, *you're* Sae. I'm Nanaka.

SAE: No, that was "sigh" meaning "weary exhalation," not "Sae" meaning
myself.

NANAKA: Oh. I see. Thank you, Sae.

SAE: You mean you're weary too?

NANAKA: I give up. *sigh*

SAE: Yes?

"Carpenter named Joseph."  Nanaka felt as if she were getting a
headache.

"And the baby came to bring peace to all mankind!  He grew up real
fast, and told everybody to be nice to each other, but when he
grew up, he had to go back to the moon again."

Nanaka just looked at Sae, frustration warring with perplexity.
How could her friend be so wrong about the facts, and so right
about everything else?

This is where you kinda lost me. What else is Sae right about? While I
could probably answer for myself, I don't see what's making Nanaka
change her line of thinking all of the sudden.

Hmmm...  you're probably right that this can use some amplification.
How about:

    Nanaka just looked at Sae, frustration warring with perplexity.
    Nanaka opened her mouth to explain to Sae just how wrong her
    facts were, but then closed it again abruptly.  Green light from
    the sky above played over Sae's face, making her look mildly sick.
    Sae looked chastened enough, Nanaka thought; more reprimands would
    accomplish nothing.  And, Nanaka reflected, did Sae really have the
    essence of Christmas so wrong?

Sae just stood there, looking down at the school roof, meekly
awaiting further scolding.

"Oh, never mind, Sae.  I'm sorry for scolding you.  Maybe the

Suggest rewording so you don't repeat "scolding."

Good catch; will reword.

city did need cheering up."  Nanaka impulsively gave Sae a hug.
"Merry Christmas, Sae."

"Merry Christmas, Nanaka," whispered Sae in return.  "And peace
to all the earth."

Nanaka thought about it, then smiled to herself.  Looking at Sae,
she answered, "You just keep wishing for that, Sae.  And maybe,
just maybe, one day, we might just see it."

SAE: Of course we will! This is the MTT-verse! All you need is
confidence in yourself and you can generate *infinite* 
magical power! At least that's what my teddy bear told me.

All true (at least for Sae), and that's probably one of the things
which gave me the idea for this story in the first place. :)

Actually, I probably ought to have Nanaka think something like
this about Sae; that would make the story less opaque for those
who don't know the series.  Something like:

    Nanaka thought about how Sae's magic had defeated the Bell,
    given Akane angel wings, and sometimes overrode the combined
    desires of the rest of the Magic User's Club.  She smiled to
    herself, and looked at Sae.  "You just keep wishing for that,
    Sae.  And maybe, just maybe, one day, we might see it."

Anyway. :)  Not a bad story, but the problem for me was that Nanaka's
turn-around came out of nowhere. It's not that it's unbelievable; I
could see her feelings changing like this, but your story as written
doesn't really show us enough of what's going through her 
mind for this to work. A little fleshing out, and I think it'll be fine.

Understood; I'll work on it.

and again, thanks for writing and commenting.

Bert
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