More backlog. I probably wouldn't normally read an MTT fic, but Bert's
been a thoughtful and regular C&Cer for the list.

"Miller, Bert" <Bert.Miller@unisys.com> wrote:

"So you created a Tokyo-wide LIGHT SHOW?" asked Nanaka in
disbelief, gesturing up at the sky above her.  Throughout the
atmosphere as far as the eye could see, brilliant florescences of

fluorescences	(I think)

red, green, and white grew, flowered, and exploded, with the
remnants repeating the cycle.  Nanaka tried to estimate the sheer
power involved in conjuring this display and gave up.

This is not a bad description of the light show, but given how central
it is to the story, an even more extended one wouldn't be inappropriate.
(Not necessarily all in this particular paragraph, of course. In fact,
there might be some good possibilities for visual symbolism later, using
the display to reflect the characters' changing moods.)

"But it's Christmas, Nanaka," replied Sae, chastened.  "And I just
thought the city needed some cheering up."

"Did it occur to you that the defense forces might well be called
up, in case this is another alien invasion?" asked Nanaka angrily.

"Oh.  I didn't think of that." Sae shrank in on herself even more.

SAE: *sigh*

NANAKA: No, *you're* Sae. I'm Nanaka.

SAE: No, that was "sigh" meaning "weary exhalation," not "Sae" meaning
myself.

NANAKA: Oh. I see. Thank you, Sae.

SAE: You mean you're weary too?

NANAKA: I give up. *sigh*

SAE: Yes?

"Carpenter named Joseph."  Nanaka felt as if she were getting a
headache.

"And the baby came to bring peace to all mankind!  He grew up real
fast, and told everybody to be nice to each other, but when he
grew up, he had to go back to the moon again."

Nanaka just looked at Sae, frustration warring with perplexity.
How could her friend be so wrong about the facts, and so right
about everything else?

This is where you kinda lost me. What else is Sae right about? While I
could probably answer for myself, I don't see what's making Nanaka
change her line of thinking all of the sudden.

Sae just stood there, looking down at the school roof, meekly
awaiting further scolding.

"Oh, never mind, Sae.  I'm sorry for scolding you.  Maybe the

Suggest rewording so you don't repeat "scolding."

city did need cheering up."  Nanaka impulsively gave Sae a hug.
"Merry Christmas, Sae."

"Merry Christmas, Nanaka," whispered Sae in return.  "And peace
to all the earth."

Nanaka thought about it, then smiled to herself.  Looking at Sae,
she answered, "You just keep wishing for that, Sae.  And maybe,
just maybe, one day, we might just see it."

SAE: Of course we will! This is the MTT-verse! All you need is
confidence in yourself and you can generate *infinite* magical power! At
least that's what my teddy bear told me.

Anyway. :)  Not a bad story, but the problem for me was that Nanaka's
turn-around came out of nowhere. It's not that it's unbelievable; I
could see her feelings changing like this, but your story as written
doesn't really show us enough of what's going through her mind for this
to work. A little fleshing out, and I think it'll be fine.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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