On Fri, Dec 23, 2011 at 02:05:13PM -0600, Mike L Nguyen wrote:
Chapter 3 is still in the works.
But, enjoy and give me some feedback.
An invasion of figures stormed the once
calm streets of Hiemsdale. The aggressive figures
I don't know the series Ranma has crossed into, but... check
your spelling on 'Hiemsdale'. Are the I and E reversed?
are not men but orcs. It was common for
were not (past tense)
orcs to pillage and raid towns because it was
the only way of life for them and there couldn't
they couldn't
see any different way of life that would be
suitable for them. After the great Horde war,
the orcish people were scattered and divided, no
divided. No
(This is a good place to break a runon sentence. Characters
often speak in runons, especially when speaking informally, but
the narratvie shouldn't unless it's adopting a character's
voice.)
real leadership could organize them, and they
resulted into tribes that would wage war with
'they resulted' is a misuse of 'result'. suggest:
as a result they splintered
anybody, including their own race, for resources
and women. Because waging war was the only skill
that sentence is still rather long, so be more inclined to
separate things into new sentences than to stuff more into this
one.
left for them, most of the tribes resorted into
'resorted into' is a misuse of 'resorted'. suggest:
resorted to forming into
brigand groups, harrassing caravans and invading
villages and towns. This is why racial hatred for
the orcs deepens in human, elven, and dwarven
deepened
(still past tense, unless you append something like 'to this day',
which probably makes the narrative a little less
background-impersonal than you'd like.)
society.
Fortunately, a few orcs, like Giel'Kre,
were tired of war and merely seek to coexist.
merely sought (tense)
They would prove the human people that they too
prove to the
were capable of living in a passive environment.
Some orcs joined farmer hands to help out with
the harvest, or some that had known the martial
'or' there doesn't mean what you want.
(pretend there's an 'either' at the start of the first statement
ended by the 'or', then reread it.) use 'and' instead; that
makes both statements true.
arts for all their life joined ranger groups or
several layered concerns here:
1. 'for all their life' is awkward in phrasing.
2. 'life' should be 'lives', since you're describing a plurality.
3. the statement 'all their lives' implies that they stepped
from the womb ready for combat.
4. existing as shunned 'walking garbage', would these orcs have
received full training from recognized instructors? your use
of 'martial arts' in this setting implies that their training
has been nearly as rigorous and complete as Ranma's, something I
doubt that they could obtain, no matter how badly they wanted
it. better, probably, to say 'fighting skills', which is more
generic.
applied for the city guard.
But right now, the only kind of orcs that
entered into town were the ones that seek merely
sought (tense)
to pillage and rape. A hulking figure walked
into the town, a gleaming smile of satisfaction
on his scarred face, and a large, sharp battle-axe
at his side.
Your first sentence, above, is background description; the
second is focused narrative. The transition between the two is
too abrupt; it took me a second reading to catch up with you.
A simple 'Thus' at the start of the second sentence would ease
that transition, but of course that would be in my words, not
yours. Doubtless you can come up with something in your own
words which does the job.
Jagger'Uta smiled at the carnage in front
of his piercing eyes. This was going to be a
successful raid. Pride overwhelmed the orc as
he heard the cries of the people slaughtered,
the bloodcurdling cries of war from his warkin,
and the clash of steel against steel. Such a
sight brought excitement and bloodlust to his
dark heart.
<"Raid the settlement, gather the women,
kill the men my brothers! Show them the mighty
bloodwrath of the Stone-Fist Clan!"> yelled
Jagger'Uta as he raised his axe and incapacitated
i think you meant 'decapitated', which means 'removed their
head'. 'incapacitated' merely means something like 'to injure in
such a way that they cannot continue to act'; hamstringing would
do that. Just the trauma of the rape would probably do it,
unless the girl was accustomed to such savagery.
the girl he had captured while entering her.
Yes, it was a beautiful sight.
It was a beautiful war.
==================================================
Ranma was shocked as well as enraged. He
had never seen so much blood spilt in his entire
life. So many people dead as the raging force of
the orcish brigands raided the town. He saw women
You have an incomplete sentence (the second one) that probably
should be a continuation of the first one instead. Perhaps:
entire life, so many people dead, as
crying, forced on the ground and violated. The
forced to
guards were easily slaughtered due to their
insufficient martial skills and the massive
strength of the orcs. He looked back at Giel'Kre.
She looked like one of them, but did not have a
face of glee at the carnage happening, nor did she
an expression of glee (choice of words)
showed any want to join the pillaging. Therefore,
show any desire (choice of words)
The beings that are of Giel'Kre's race are the
that were (tense)
ones that are evil and must be stopped.
that were (tense)
Ranma's head whipped at Giel'Kre when she
whipped around to
yelled something at him. Then he saw her pick up
an axe from the ground and sliced a charging orc
slice (tense)
from the side. She was probably yelling him to
yelling at him
or
telling him
stop this tragedy from happening. The young
martial artist fled into the battle.
'fled' means 'ran away from'. words often used instead
here are 'dove', 'lunged', 'dashed'; all of them imply that he
ran forward to join the fight.
hth
siaru
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