#include <stddisclaimer.h>

Author's Forward:

I blame RL for the delays in getting this chapter out. In future, I'll just
keep any and all predictions on when the next part will be coming out to
myself, since they're never true. Oh well, I got it out by New Year's so that's
not _too_ bad.

Share and Enjoy!

===============================================================================

Two metallic blades clashed together at the crack of dawn, sending the clangs
of sword-on-sword across the valley. Melsia and Gourry Gabriev wielded their
swords as they flashed around each other in a deadly yet beautiful dance.
However, they were not dueling, but sparring. At their skill level, the two
Gabrievs could use live blades in practice as safely as they could use
mock-ups, for all they were doing was putting the finishing edge on already
top-notch skill with their blades. If a particular strike would kill the other,
the attacker would simply still the sword millimeters before breaking skin.

  Not that they would be this generous in a real fight.

  Melsia parried a blow that, in a real fight, would have taken her head off
were she not as quick as she was with her own blade. "Good!" Melsia said with
an approving grin. He learned fast, she noted.

  A few more blows were exchanged before Melsia decided to test some of
Gourry's skill and struck out. Gourry managed to parry the blow, then audibly
grunt as he twisted Melsia's blade out of the way. "No, Gourry." Melsia
corrected, even as they continued. "Remember to use your opponent's strength
against him. You could've swept my blade aside using its own momentum. Now,
let's try that again."

  Gourry nodded, understanding. [1] "Ou!" [2]

  Melsia adjusted the flow of the sparring match subtly until they had been
brought back to the slash that Gourry had just defended against just minutes
before. This time Gourry parried that slash with much more ease than
previously. "Excellent!" Melsia congratulated.

  The two continued like this for some time, the two sparring as Melsia gave
Gourry advice in improving his technique. She even slipped in the previous
strike, which Gourry successfully countered with increasing ease.

  Suddenly, Gourry saw an opening in Melsia's defense, and an opportunity to
knock her sword from her grip. The warrior did not hesitate to take advantage
of the situation, even as Gourry fantasized about finally getting the better of
her.

  He never saw the small, devious smile on her face.

  "Gotcha!" Gourry crowed as he went for a crescent slash.

  *WA-KANG!*

  To his great surprise, Gourry found himself without his sword and the tip of
Melsia's a hair's breadth from his neck. Gourry's missing sword bounced twice
on the ground.

  "Never use a Golden Horizon crescent slash against a Pikeman ready stance,"
she told the now swordless swordsman as she casually shouldered her blade. "The
opening is brief, but it's there. You should've gone with the Silver Slant
Horizon variation, which isn't as vulnerable to disarming maneuvers from the
Pikeman ready." [3]

  The blond swordsman nodded dumbly. "Uh, yeah. I'll remember that."

  "Anyway, practice is over, 'cuz I'm hungry!" Melsia said with a bright smile
as she sheathed her sword.

  Gourry returned it. "Now you're talkin'!" he said as he retrieved his sword
and followed her back to camp.

---------
(1) _Really_ understanding, not feeling like he understood. Swordfighting was,
after all, his forte.
(2) Ou: intj. "Right!", "Okay!", "I hear ya!"
(3) Yes, I made up all these terms. Sue me.

-  ---    -----      -------      -----    ---  -

          <-- This Space For Rent -->

***************************

Demented Gerbil Productions
 presents

 BLESSED

Chapter Three
 An Episode Without Amelia

***************************
(Guest stars: The two Weed
 Dudes, Police Constable
 Pan Am, Bevis & Butthead)
***************************

  Zelgadis looked up as the two fighters entered the campground. While his
sword skill and endurance almost guaranteed that he would get the graveyard
shift of the night watch, the addition of Melsia meant that he and his
companions spent less time watching for trouble. [4] As a result, Zel woke up
early that morning, and therefore had the opportunity to exercise one of his
lesser known talents: cooking.

  After his change into a chimera, he didn't trust anything Rezo had made for
him as far as he could throw Shabranigdo. [5] Therefore, he insisted on cooking
his own food. Over the years, he became quite an accomplished campfire chef,
able to make good dishes with only minimal ingredients. Provisions allowing, he
made an absolutely _delicious_ stew, dubbed 'Zelly's Country Stew' by Lina, and
said scarlet-headed sorceress absolutely _adored_ the stuff. Zelgadis knew to
make extra-large portions for Lina (larger than her usual helpings), or else
there would be hell to pay.

  Today's breakfast was going to be a treat for the troupe. They had happened
to camp near a small village, located off to the side road, and so Zel was able
to scare up some cheese, several gross of eggs, butter, various meat products,
and assorted fresh vegetables to add to their nonperishable provisions. The
result was a dish that made the two Gabriev's pounce on and begin devouring at
once. Fortunately, Zelgadis had already had his share while cooking it, and
already had plenty lined up for the two, for he had observed Melsia's eating
habits to be of a ravenousness on the order of Gourry (though considering her
family he supposed he shouldn't have been *too* surprised).

  A little ways into the death of the dish, Gourry congratulated the chimera's
work, "Wow! This is really good!" The swordsman then went back to demolishing
his breakfast.

  "Man, you said it, cousin Gourry! This is great stuff!" the Vestian agreed
wholeheartedly. In contrast to Gourry, Melsia took a moment to look around
herself, then asked, "Speaking of food, is Lina up yet? She'd really like
this."

  "No, she isn't up," Zelgadis said, then smiled. "But that's about to change
very soon."

  Picking up the fan he used to aerate the fire, the blue chimera stepped over
to Lina's tent. Kneeling, he opened the flap a little to form a vent, and began
fanning the aromatic fumes into the enclosure. Seconds later, a blur came
zooming out of the tent, ruffling Zelgadis's clothes as it zipped past. As the
blur landing in front of the breakfast, it resolved into a very hungry-looking
Lina Inverse. The hungered girl began helping herself to breakfast. "Poached
eggs with spinach and onions! Cheese omelettes with ham and other good stuff!
Bacon, home fries, sausages, pickled vegetables, grits! Ooooooh!" squealed the
sorceress, lifting her utensils, "Itadakimasu!!" [6] She promptly began
inhaling the food, shouting around her full mouth, "OSHII!!!" [7]

  "Works every time," quipped Zelgadis as he returned to making more foodstuff
for the group. It was times like this when he wondered what his life would be
like if Rezo had never offered to make him strong; assuming the world survived
Shabranigdo, he supposed he would have made it big in the restruant trade.
Although he wouldn't have discovered his talent until he struck out on his own,
he still thought he would have stumbled upon it eventually. It was times like
this that Zelgadis felt almost human again.

  Four days and four nights ago when Zel first (re)joined the party, Lina and
the Gabrievs had brought Zelgadis up to speed with the others concerning Melsia
and her Blessing, before continuing their journey to Ifurita. For the following
four days, Melsia woke Gourry up for their morning sparring practice. Then the
whole group would have breakfast and break camp. After that came the few hours
of traveling to Ifurita, interrupted only by lunch, the occasional rest stop,
and the shallow conversations about life in general. Then came dinner (at an
inn, if they were lucky) then bedtime, with the entire cycle starting over the
next day.

  Interestingly, the subject of why each of them were traveling to Ifurita in
the first place never cropped up during the discussions. Zelgadis Greywers
realized this and became curious. "What takes you two to Ifurita, Lina?"

  Lina paused in her ravaging the breakfast table. Zelgadis was not one for
idle conversation. Since when had he been so... gregarious? Not that she
minded; Zel was always so depressed that she was pleased to see any sign of
stoic stone boy breaking out of his shell. With a grin, she replied, "What
else? The Harvestfest begins tomorrow, and I want to be there early!"

  /* Figures, */ thought Zelgadis. "Same old Lina."

  Lina had to giggle at that. "My turn," she announced. Pausing only to take a
few more bites of her breakfast, she reciprocated Zel's question, "What takes
_you_ to Ifurita, Zel?"

  Unlike Lina, who had a penchant for long-winded explanations--

  ( HEY! >.< -Lina )

  --Zelgadis explained his reasons in one succinct sentence, "The Grellic Book
of Proteus is in Ifurita's main library, so I'm going to take a look."

  This time Lina had a full giggle fit. "The usual, ne?" she asked coyly with
a cute smile and a wink. ^,~  Zel tried to look innocent and failed. "Wow! The
Book of Proteus! That's heavy magic there, Zel," she murmured in awe, then she
thought about it critically. "But... I thought that copy was destroyed three
centuries ago along with the Temple of Delphilos at Solaria."

  "Actually," Zelgadis corrected, "the book was secretly removed from the
temple library shortly before it was destroyed. It was then deposited in the
vault in Ifurita's main library."

  Lina frowned. "So it's just been sitting there in the main library of an
otherwise ordinary for three centuries, and no one's touched it? Sounds hard to
believe."

  "Which is why no one's touched it," Zelgadis amended to Lina's statement.
"Who would believe that a sleepy little town would have a copy of one of the
great books of magic in the world?"

  "I see..."

  Lina soon became aware of something missing from the conversation. She
thought hard, trying to put her finger on it. Then she knew what was missing:
Gourry's stupid questions. With the ignorant (stupid) swordsman around, no
discussion of subjects more complicated than tying one's shoes could proceed
very far without Gourry asking some moronic question, a situation which caused
Lina no end of aggravation. Fortunately for her ulcers, Gourry was too busy
eating to listen. He was also too busy eating to ask stupid questions. Lina
breathed a sigh of relief.

  "Hey, Zel! I'd like to have a look at the Book of Proteus after you're done,
okay?" Zel answered Lina with a simple nod of affirmation. Taking a few more
bites, Lina got an idea. "Why don't you enter into one of the cooking
competitions?" she suggested. "If your camefire cooking is any indication of
your ability, you'll win hands down."

  Zelgadis blinked at the suggestion, and took a moment to analyze it. "That's
an option. After all, once I check out the book there'll be little to do," he
said at last. "We'll see."

  "Can't wait!" she chirped, taking another bite. Dispite her outward cheer,
however, Lina was inwardly worried for Zel. The so-called 'cure' would probably
turn out to be yet another red herring, but it was always worth a shot. Lina
hoped that he wouldn't go blowing up old buildings like he did during their
trek outside the Barrier. [8]

  /* Well, he'll live to bitch about it later, */ she thought, shrugging
mentally. "How about you, Melsia? What takes you to Ifurita?"

  "Well, I'm going to sniff down a Vestian Maiden who was there a few years
ago," she replied. "I asked around Kitty Hawk; the local townsfolk said that
they there was a Vestian Maiden who breezed through a few years ago. It's a
cold lead, but it's a start."

  Hearing no response, Melsia looked up to see Lina, Gourry and Zelgadis
STARING at her as if she was from another planet. In a very disbelieving tone,
Lina finally asked the Gabriev woman, "Y-Yo-You mean... you _aren't_ going to
the Harvestfest?"

  That explained why her companions had stared at her as if she had claimed
Ceiphied was a cruel being that maimed small animals for kicks. Melsia let out
a harumph of indignation. "Don't be daft, girl! Of _course_ I'm going to the
Harvestfest!" the Vestian Maiden said in a what-do-you-take-me-for tone. "It's
just that I won't be there ONLY to pig out."

  The others looked visibly relieved. "Whew!" Lina let out a breath. "For a
minute there I thought the apochalypse was upon us!"

  Zelgadis nodded in agreement. "Indeed, a Gabriev refusing food, if not a
sign of the Apocalypse, is certainly a bad omen of the highest order," he said
in his characteristic dry wit.

  Finally, in juxtiposition [9] to Zelgadis's wit, Gourry added his
witlessness to the discussion. "Yeah," agreed the blond dummy in a serious
voice. "I was afraid that I would have to challenge you to a duel for be
smirking the honor of the Gabriev family by refusing a meal."

  "That's 'besmirching', Gourry," Lina corrected Gourry in a harsh whisper.

  Melsia glared at the three through narrowed eyes. "I get the message,
guys... Sheesh..." she growled testily.

  Finally, Lina popped the last bit of omlette into her mouth and gulped it
down just as Gourry was finishing his sausage and Melsia her home fries.
"Ahhhhh! I'm stuffed!" she sighed vocally.

  Gourry peeked at Lina's figure and contemplated it. After a few moments, he
commented, "I'll say. Your stomach's almost halfway out to your breasts."

  *SOCK!*

  "Oooog!" the Swordsman of Light squeaked.

  "No one asked you!" Lina snarled, extracting her fist from his gut as the
swordsman collaped onto his back.

  With breakfast over, the group broke camp. The tent pegs, canvases, poles
and ropes were carefully rolled up along with the camp bedding. The fire was
thoroughly doused [10] and the cooking implements washed and bundled up. The
entire ensemble was then stuffed into the transdimensional pockets that allowed
Lina to carry bags of gold (and other stuff) everywhere without weighing
herself down unduly.

  "Let's go, guys!" Lina announced as she ditched her tent, bedding and other
camping equipment into Linaspace. "If we make good time, we'll be in Ifurita by
this afternoon."

  Within minutes, all that was left of the campsite was the fire-ring
surrounding wet ashes and charcoal.

---------
(4) This didn't happen with Amelia, for the princess would wake up during
Zelgadis's shift to talk to him, and therefore wasn't worth much when it came
to her turn.
(5) Shabranigdo fully manifested as a giant crab-monster, not as Rezo. He could
throw Rezo the Red Priest helluva far, and often wished he could get his hands
on him.
(6) Itadakimasu: A phrase habitually uttered just before eating. Rough
translation -- "Let's eat!"
(7) Oshii: "Yummy!" Considered feminine, although Lina has been known to use
the masculine equivalent, "Umai"
(8) See Slayers TRY #3/#55
(9) Ooo! A good vocabulary word!
(10) Smokey sez: "Only _you_ can prevent forest fires!"

-  ---    -----      -------      -----    ---  -

  It was morning in Ifurita, and the town was preparing for the biggest party
in a hundred leagues: Harvestfest. It was a time to, as the saying went, "Eat,
drink, and be merry, for tommorrow ye shall be hung over something awful." For
the next week, this sleepy little town will be the hub of activity from all
around.

  It was a festival very much after Lina Inverse's heart. She tried to make it
every year, but other concerns --such as saving the world-- had sidetracked her
for the past three years. It was a pattern she intended to end this year.

  Lina waved at Zelgadis as the grim chimera set off in search of the library.
"Good luck with the Book of Proteus, Zel! And remember to let me have a look at
it when you're done, okay?" she called after him.

  "Hai, Hai," [11] replied the chimera in casual acknowledgement as he walked
down the street.

  "Hey, Lina," asked the swordsman.

  /* Here it comes, */ Lina thought wryly. "What?" came her completely
unenthusiastic question.

  "What's the 'Book of Protists'?"

  Lina smacked her head, sighing. She should've expected _that_ one. "That's
'Proteus', Gourry," she corrected, slightly irritated. "And it's an ancient
text of transformation magics dating back to just after the War of
Resurrection. Supposedly, it was a compilation of all the knowledge of
transformation magics that were rescued from destruction. Only four copies are
believed to exist -- five, if you count the one in Ifurita."

  "Oh," Gourry replied. "Why would he want a book like that?"

  Lina facefaulted.

  She was immediately on her feet and shouting in Gourry's face, "AAGHH! To
get rid of his chimera-curse that was cast on him by Akahoushi Rezo, Jellyfish
Brains!"

  Gourry scratched his chin in thought, humming every so often. Suddenly, his
eyes popped open and a fist slammed into his hand. "Oh, you mean that freaky
rock skin/wire hair thing he has going!"

  "_YES_!" Lina barked. "It's been like that for three seasons already!"

  Melsia merely shook her head. She laid a calming hand on Lina's shoulder,
which caught the sorceress's attention and drained much of the annoyance from
her instantly. "Leave him alone, Lina. He's got MGS, just like every other
Gabriev man."

  "'MGS'?" Lina repeated questioningly.

  "Male Gabriev Syndrome. Old family joke," the Vestian explained. "I once
asked Mother why my father and older brother were so _BAKA_! She said that it
was Male Gabriev Syndrome; a dread disease that afflicts only Gabriev men,
causing their brains to shrivel up into rasins."

  Lina blinked a few times. Then she broke out into giggles, then a fit of
laughter, and her annoyance was quickly forgotten.

  Gourry didn't flinch at the implied insult, his tiny mind on other things.
/* If we split up, I can find a present for Lina! */ He'd been looking for a
gift to show his affection for Lina for some time now. [12] The problem was how
to get it in secret so it would be a surprise to his longtime companion. Gourry
had a cunning plan. [13]

  "Say, we got an hour before the Harvestfest starts. Why don't we split up
and brouse around, then meet back here in two hours?" the Big, Dumb, Blond One
proposed.

  Well, it wasn't cunning, really, just elegant in its simplicity.

  Nevertheless, the two girls _stared_ at him as if he was from Mars.

  Worried that he might have landed himself in trouble once more, Gourry
decided to make sure. "What did I say?" he asked somewhat anxiously, "I didn't
say something wrong, did I?" He feared another pounding by Lina, or at least a
good chewing out.

  "NO!" Lina shouted, almost startling Gourry. Then, more calmly, she replied,
"No, Gourry, you didn't say something wrong. It's just that... it's an
excellent suggestion."

  "Then why do you two look so shocked?"

  "That's just it," replied Melsia. "It's an excellent suggestion. Coming from
you, that's a miracle!"

  The shock of this excellent suggestion being emitted by Gourry fading, Lina
smiled. "Well, I like it, even if I didn't come up with it myself."

  "Me too."

  "Me three!"

  Ignoring Gourry's declaration of agreement to his own plan, Lina smiled and
said, "Then it's agreed. We'll meet at that cafe in two hours." She indicated
the cafe in question.

  "Okey-dokey!" Gourry said.

  "See ya!" Melsia chirped.

  With that, the three travelers went their separate ways.

---------
(11) Translation: "Yeah, yeah."
(12) Ain't he a sweetie?
(13) Gourry shares a lot with _Blackadder_'s Baldric, doesn't he? (I mean post
season 1; season 1 Baldric was smarter than Blackadder)

-  ---    -----      -------      -----    ---  -

[Ifurita Head Municipal Library]

  "Damn!" Zelgadis growled. The chimera stood in front of the library door,
glaring at the sign as if he could change what it said through sheer
intimidation:

  [ CLOSED ]

  Below that sign was hung a temporary sign, explaining the situation:

  [ Due to the Harvestfest holiday, Ifurita Head Municipal Library shall open
two hours later than usual. Thank you for your patience. ]

  Zelgadis checked a sudden urge to simply blast open the library with a Damu
Bras before any damage was done. "Oh well. I suppose I could look around a bit
before actually going to the library," he sighed. "It's only another two hours'
wait, after all." [14]

  And so Zelgadis began his quest for something to do.

---------
(14) Okay, who are you and what have you done to the _real_ Zelgadis?

-  ---    -----      -------      -----    ---  -

[An hour of wandering around later]

  Zelgadis looked up at the sign hanging over the entrance to a small shop.

  [ Eclectic Art ]

  Zelgadis shrugged. "Looks interesting," he said offhandedly. Pushing open
the door, he entered, the doorbell making a cheery *ding* as he did so.

  Instantly, Zel found himself facing the two salespeople who apparently ran
this shop. The two looked like brothers, and dressed eerily alike. Their brown
hair was tangled and long. Both wore jean shorts, sandles, and striped shirts.
They even had the same vaccuous look on their faces. The only real difference
was in the shirts: one had red stripes, the other blue.

  Upon seeing the chimera, they both lit up in a pair of grins.

  "Welcome to 'Eclectic Art'!" chirped 'Red'.

  "Your gateway to the art of exotic cultures from around the world!" added
'Blue'.

  It was all Zelgadis could do to keep himself from pressing his back against
the farthest wall from the two. Something was _not right_ with them. "Ah.
Hello," he greeted the pair tentitively. They waved cheerfully back.
Swallowing, Zelgadis ignored them and started browsing.

  Eventually he came upon a small wooden figurine. It was an antelope-looking
creature, distorted by abstraction effects. "What's this?" he asked, lifting
the figurine.

  "It's an aganrashi figurine from the Huru-Huru tribe of western Akans,"
'Blue' replied. "The aganrashi is worshiped by the Huru-Huru as an emissary of
the fertility god, Bafuna. The Huru-Huru would hunt aganrashi and eat their
flesh, which was believed to grant potency to men and fertility to women."

  Zelgadis nodded. "That's interesting," he commented. "How was it used?"

  'Blue' reached over and pulled off the figurine's head, revealing a secret
compartment within. "You put your weed in there!" he replied, indicating the
revealed chamber.

  The blue chimera looked at the salesperson stunned for a long moment before
finally gathering his wits. "Oookaay, moving on..." He returned the figurine to
the shelf and looks around some more. He settled on a dynamic idol of a stocky
man holding a spear in a dynamic throwing pose.

  "This is...?" he prompted.

  'Red' answered his prompt. "Oh, that's an image of Guthra, the god of the
hunt in ancient Estonia."

  Zelgadis examined the idol carefully. It seemed very well made, both in
terms of craftsmanship and aesthetic skill. He smiled, admiring it. "Looks
really nice."

  "Yeah. And you can put your weed in there!" 'Red' added, twisting the spear
hand. A secret panel in the idol's back popped open, revealing an equally
secret compartment.

  Zel sweatdropped.

[a half-hour later]

  Zelgadis picked up a small statue. It was quite a charming little thing,
depicting a dancing boy in ordinary clothes and a wide, happy smile on his
face. Zelgadis was almost afraid to ask. "What's this?"

  'Red' was all too glad to tell him about the figurine his stony customer was
holding. "That is a 'Dancing Boy' figurine from Hoarland. These figurines were
popular with the rich landowners three hundred years ago as knick-knacks and
status symbols."

  "And you can put your weed in here," Zelgadis added dryly.

  The salesperson grinned with his characteristic spaced-out look. He took the
statuette and gave its base a twist. It popped off to reveal a hidden chamber.
'Red' looked at Zelgadis with a vaugely respectful tone. "Wow! How did you know
that?"

  "Lucky guess." Zelgadis returned the artifact to its shelf and let out an
exasperated sigh. "Well, nothing here really suits my fancy. Thanks anyway."
The chimera turned to leave, eager to remove himself from this strange store.

  'Red' waved as he shouted cheerfully behind him, "Alright! Like, come
again!"

  Zel glanced back at the weed-dudes, almost in fear. "I don't think so," he
whispered under his breath and prepared to make his getaway.

  Before Zel could leave the two weed-fixated salespeople, a man dressed in
the manner of a 20th century London metropolitan police constable rushed into
the store screaming, in a thick British accent, "Right! RIGHT! *RIIIGHT!* Now
then! Now then!"

  Nobody moved or even spoke.

  The constable realized that it was still his line. "Oh! Right, what's all
this then?"

  The two brothers shifted about nervously.

  This time the constable was certain that it was the other party's turn to
answer him. "Come on, come on!" he prompted.

  'Red's nervousness overcame him and started screaming, "WEE--" He caught
himself mid-scream, however, and managed to calm down enough to answer the
officer of the law coherently, "Er, nuh-nothing's going on, officer! We were,
like, servicing this customer. He was just leaving, y'know...." 'Red' gestured
at the stone guy standing in the middle of their shop.

  Zelgadis dared not move a muscle. He even had his eyes closed for good
measure.

  The constable looked over Zelgadis suspiciously. "Oh, he is? Yus?" he asked
skeptically.

  'Blue' grinned. "Yeah, like, totally!"

  Walking around Zelgadis a couple of times, the police constable lifted his
hand and gave the chimera a couple of knocks with his fist. The fist made the
characteristic noise of bone on stone. He did not look amused. "And I suppose
he _talks_ too!" he said sarcastically.

  'Blue' nodded his head enthusiastically. "Yeah!"

  In a stage whisper to the audiance, the police constible remarked, "Hmph!
And me mates down at the station call _me_ crazy!" He turned back to the weed
guys. "Look, it's been barely a minute and already I've had enough of you two.
You're under arrest." The constible spread his arms and began making noises of
an airplane straifing the ground, "*Neeeoooowwww-chu-chu-chu-chu-chu--*"

  Alarmed at being straifed by an imaginary plane, courtesy this officer,
'Blue' yelped, "WEEED!!"

  Giving 'Blue' a stern look, the officer of the law told the arrestee, "Look,
I must warn you that anything you might say will be ignored, and furthermore,
given half a chance, I'll put my fist through your teeth. F'tang! F'tang!" The
constable jabbed at them, delibarately stopping the punches before they
connected (an action which henceforth shall be refered to as "f'tanging").

  "But officer, nobody did nothin'!" protested 'Red'.

  "Now see here. One more peep out of you and I'll do you for herasy."

  "Heresy?!" he yelped, shocked, "Man, dude, that's just bogus."

  "Shut up! F'tang! F'tang!" snapped the officer, this time f'tanging 'Red'.
"Oh that's nice!" the constable declared as he snagged the 'Dancing Boy'
statuette from the bins and slipped it into his uniform jacket. "Right. I'm
taking you two along to the station!" The constable produced two pairs of
handcuffs and slapped them on the salesguys' wrists.

  "What for, officer dude?" demanded 'Blue'.

  "I'm charging you with illegal possession of whatever we happen to have down
there."

  The storeowners' eyes bugged out in fear. "WEEEED!!!"

  "Shut up! F'tang! F'tang!" the constable shouted, f'tanging both of them.
"Right. Lunar module calling Buzz Aldrin, come in! *Nyayyynayynay*!" The
eccentric constable began to sing, "Raindrops keep falling on my head / But
that doesn't mean that my eyes..."

  Grabbing the both of them by their cuffed hands, the constable hauled the
both of them off the premises, singing all the way. [15]

  A few minutes after the police constable carted away the two weed-dealing
dudes, Zelgadis finally decided that it was safe to move. He sighed with
relief. "Y'know, sometimes being made of stone comes in quite handy," he
remarked.

---------
(15) See note at the end of this chapter for full appology.

-  ---    -----      -------      -----    ---  -

  "...and that should be it," Lina concluded, handing her menu to the stunned
waiter.

  "You want all of _THAT_?!" the waiter gasped in disbelief at the sheer size
of Lina's order. And he'd thought that Lina's companion was a big eater. Silly
him. To his credit, he saw Melsia to be a healthy young man and was therefore
halfway expecting 'him' to eat a lot, but not Lina, who he (correctly) saw as a
mere slip of a girl.

  "Believe it, fella!" Melsia said with a grin on her face. Lina nodded cutely
in agreement with that sentiment. The waiter waddled back to the restraunt
kitchen, shock of the order still boggling his mind.

  As planned, Lina and Melsia had met at the cafe two hours after splitting
up. Gourry was late, but the two girls decided that he had just forgotten, at
least for now.

  "So!" Lina began. "Did anything interesting happen while you were walking
around?"

  Melsia spent a few moments thinking of something mentionable. "One thing
comes to mind," she said at last. "I came upon the strangest little shop. It
was like a souvenier shop, but sold stuff that was not from around here. It was
managed by two of the most laid-back couple of guys I've ever met. There were
really exotic pieces of work too. And I don't mean just the merchandise."

  Lina raised an eyebrow. /* That sounds familiar. */

  "Each time I asked what they were used for," she continued, "they always
said the same thing--"

  Lina affected the speech patterns of the weed dudes, and chirped, "'You put
your weed in there!'" She grinned at Melsia as the priestess's eyes widened.

  "So you you know the place!" the Vestian stated.

  "Yeah. I was looking for a gift for Gourry. The 'Dancing Boy' statuette
looked nice, but what do you get a guy who has everything he can remember to
bring?" Lina took a sip of hydrogen hydroxide. [16]

  Melsia grinned knowingly. "Ooooh! Got the hots for my cous', do ya!" she
said slyly.

  The mouthful of liquid was suddenly propelled explosively out Lina's mouth
in a classic spit take. Wiping her mouth, the redheaded one yelled loudly at
Melsia, flustered, "DO NOT!"

  Still grinning, Melsia leaned back in her chair. "Sure, hon! Whatever you
say," she agreed with Lina with a liberal dose of sarcasm, which did not go
undetected.

  "I'm serious!" the sorceress stressed again.

  "So am I!"

  Lina glared at the grinning Vestian. "LOOK!" she snapped, bringing her hands
down in a firm slam onto the table, and proceeded to explain her relationship
to Gourry: "Gourry is just my traveling companion. We go on adventures
together, we face the dangers together, and we split the loot. And that is
ALL!" Melsia was a bit cowed, although not detered. During her rant, Lina
looked like she had grown fangs, a fact that amazed Melsia. "The only reason
why I keep him around at all is because I'm after his sword," Lina finished.

  Melsia leaned one arm on the table. A lopsided smirk graced her face as she
said teasingly, "Methinks the lady doth protest a trifle too much."

  This set the little sorceress off. Lina's fangs were pronounced as she
bellowed, "_I'll_ give you protesting, you little--"

  "H-Hey, hey! I was just teasing ya!" Melsia stammered, now completely cowed
by Lina's sudden and violent reaction. Indeed, Melsia had almost lept out of
her chair, drawing back from the yelling sorceress. "Don't have a cow, Lina!"
she said, hodling up her hands to ward off Lina's rage.

  Melsia briefly flirted with the idea of teasing Lina more about liking her
cousin. However, considering that the little sorceress could cast a big Dragon
Slave in nothing flat, and that Melsia didn't have a death wish, she supposed
she should stop.

  "I agree, though... the 'Dancing Boy' statuette _did_ look nice," she
pointed out, changing the subject to something safer.

  Lina's anger dissipated, and she smiled slightly. "Yep."

  "Hey, what you girls talking about?" came a familiar voice.

  Immediately, the two girls spun around in their seats, trying to look casual
as they faced away from each other. "Nothing!" they declared together.

  Another person would be suspicious, but Gourry simply took their assertions
at face value. "Oh. Okay!" the swordsman said cheerfully as he sat down next to
Lina. The sorceress blushed as Melsia grinned knowingly at her. Gourry simply
ordered himself a meal, "Hey, waiter! I want..."

---------
(16) Better known by its common name, 'water'.

-  ---    -----      -------      -----    ---  -

  [ OPEN ]

  "Finally!" remarked Zelgadis, noting the now open state of Ifurita's main
library. Without further delay, he entered the big doors. The musty scent of
old books assaulted his nose. Research being his favorite pasttime since his
chimera-curse, Zelgadis knew exactly where to stop first: the reference desk.

  The reference desk for this particular library was manned by two guys
wearing tunics with shoulder-length sleeves and loose pants made of some
material that looked worn but were nonetheless still wearable. Zelgadis slipped
into his normal attitude for dealing with the reference desk. That meant being
assertive yet polite. "Excuse me. I heard that this library holds the Grellic
Book of Proteus. Please direct me to it."

  The guy with curly blond hair looked up from a book he was reading --a book
which, by Zelgadis's reconning, was one of questionable content-- to say to his
friend in a grating voice, "Heh-heh! Heh-heh! You hear that, Butthead?! He said
'penis'! Heh-heh! Heh-heh!"

  The one with brown, greasy hair looked up from his own book of questionable
content to chaste his friend, "Shut up, Bevis! He said 'Proteus', not 'penis',
you dickweed!" He concluded with a moronic chuckle, "Uhuh-huh-huh! 'Dickweed',
get it? Uhuh-huh-huh!"

  "Heh-heh! Heh-heh! The Book of Penis! Heh-heh! Heh-heh!"

  A feeling of disquiet saturated Zelgadis's soul. You know the one-- like
that feeling that you get when your surgeon, while discussing a procedure he
was about to perform on your person, starts to drool when getting to the part
about cutting you open. If a certain robot was here, he'd start yelling,
"Warning, Mr. Greywers! Warning! Warning!"

  The blond guy, who we can only assume was Bevis, looked up at Zelgadis and
blinked his beady little eyes in wonder. Then he grinned a wide, shark-like
grin. "Wow, look at that, Butthead! He's, like, all blue! Heh-heh! Heh-heh!"

  The brown-haired guy, who we may presume to be Bevis's partner-in-grime
Butthead, looked up at Zel himself, staring at him through squinty eyes. He
smiled, revealing more of his buck-teeth in braces, and began chuckling
moronically, "Uhuh-huh-huh! Hey, you're right! That's one nasty case of 'blue
balls', dude! Uhuh-huh-huh!"

  "Heh-heh! Heh-heh! Are you, like --heh-heh, heh-heh-- made of stone?
Heh-heh! Heh-heh!"

  Zelgadis stared at them like they were from another planet-- hell, the
probably WERE from another planet. Wasn't it obvious that he was made of stone?
"Yes..." he answered simply.

  The blond guy grinned wider, if that was possible. "Heh-heh! Heh-heh! That's
cool! Heh-heh! Heh-heh! Bet he's always hard! Heh-heh! Heh-heh!"

  "Uhuh-huh-huh! You said it, Bevis!"

  Meanwhile, the blue chimera sweatdropped. It dawned on Zelgadis that he was
going to get nothing out of these two idiots. "Never mind. I'll have a look for
myself," he replied, moving away from the so-called help desk.

  The blond kid started snickering in that oh-so infuriating way. "Heh-heh!
Heh-heh! He's gonna look for himself! Wonder what he's gonna find instead?
Heh-heh! Heh-heh!"

  The black-haired kid chuckled along. "Uhuh-huh-huh! Good one, Bevis."

  Zelgadis checked the sudden urge to blow the two away with a Ra Tilt. Then,
on thinking about it for a minute, he supposed it would've done no good anyway.
They were so stupid that destroying their astral forms wouldn't affect them
much.

  There are much to be said for signs, however, and the main library at
Ifurita had an excellent sign system. [17] The signs were accurate and clearly
labeled. Within minutes, Zelgadis was standing before a robust vault.

  "=DAMU BRASS!="

  *KA-BOOOM!*

  Zelgadis supposed he could've gone back to get a librarian to open the
vault, and this was his second thought (after blowing up the vault). However,
he considered the kind of help that would be availible. Bevis and Butthead did
not fit his discription of competent help, so he decided to go with his first
thought, which was to blow the vault. Which he'd just done.

  For the next few minutes, Zelgadis jumpily remained alert as he waited for
people to come investigating the explosion.

-  ---    -----    ---  -

  *Ka-Boom!*

  The two help desk librarians looked up from their books of questionable
content at the slightly muffled report of a vault breaking open.

  "You hear something, Butthead?"

  "Uhhhhhh... Nope. Don't hear nuthin'."

  The two returned to their dirty books.

-  ---    -----    ---  -

  Convinced that some miracle had prevented him from being disturbed from his
quest, Zelgadis carefully stepped through the scrap and settling dust from the
remains of his safe-blowing.

  Zelgadis stared in what almost amounted to awe at what he found within. It
was a beautifully-decorated book, locked securely with a metal binder around
its middle, sitting at a 45-degree angle in a notch carved especially for it in
a marble presentation stand. Runes were carved around the book's spot in the
case. It was the book Zelgadis had been searching for:

  The Grellic Book of Proteus.

  The book stand was ringed with ropes set to form a parimeter around the
stand, a foot away from the pedestal itself. Folded strips of white paper hung
from the ropes.

  A hungry look in his eye, Zelgadis approached the book, reaching out to grab
it. However, his hands bounced off something seemingly solid at the rope
perimeter. A flash of light sparked at the same time, accompanied by the
crackle of lightning.

  "A shield, eh?" murmured the chimera. A casual smile appeared on his lips.
"Cheeky librarians."

  Well, there was no way that a measily little shielding spell was going to
keep Zelgadis Greywers from his objective. Reaching out toward the book,
Zelgadis closed his eyes, concentrating. Archane words tumbled out of his mouth
as he felt the power welling up within him, weaving a spell that would pop open
most mystical barriers. His eyes snapped open and curtly ordered the lock:

  "=OPEN SESAME!="

  The latch unlocked obediently, letting the book's cover bounce up from the
released tension. The rope perimeter instantly turned to dust. Zelgadis grinned
as he reached forward to grasp the book frimly in hand. However, almost
immediately thereafter, the blue chimera knew that there was something very not
right happening. It could've been the ominous glowing of the writing inscribed
above the case. Maybe it was the cracks that were rapidly forming in the case.
The glowing of the book itself was a sure sign of a freshly-committed blunder.

  But perhaps the biggest indicated that Zelgadis had made the wrong move was
the fact that the library building was now shaking violently. He thought
prudent to leave the premises before it collapsed around him. Demon speed came
to his advantage here; he made it out seconds before whatever he had released
broke out into the world.

  "Uhhhhh... I think we should run, Bevis!"

  "Heh-heh! Heh-heh! You're pretty smart, Butthead!"

---------
(17) Probably to compensate for their deficient librarians.

-  ---    -----      -------      -----    ---  -

  While all that was happening, in another part of town three travelers were
heartily devouring dish after dish of Harvestfest repast.

  "Oishii-Oishii-Oishii-Oishiiiii!!!" Lina squealed with glee as she munched
down on some chicken. "*gnaff gnaff*"

  "Man, you said it, Lina! *chaw chaw*" agreed Gourry, with a mouthfull of
prime-cut, gravy-soaked steak. "Harvestfest is the best!"

  "MMM! And lots of food so we don't need to fight over it!" Lina added.

  "And cheap too!" amended Gourry. The two continued to sing praises for
Harvestfest food and eat said food at the same time.

  Meanwhile, Melsia was devouring what was on her own plate at a healty pace,
even as she studied a copy of the town records. "I'll have to say this about
Ifurita: they keep impressive town records. *gmph gmph*" She chewed on another
sausage. "And of course, the Harvestfest is a hoot."

  The others nodded in agreement, but did not slow their own consumption.

  Suddenly, their meal was interrupted by a violent shaking. "Is there an
earthquake?" asked Lina, stopping her face-stuffing. Gourry and Melsia also
stopped eating and began looking around.

  "You think it may be time for our monster-of-the-week?" quipped Gourry.

  Before Lina could respond, the roof of the library exploded in a fusalade of
stone fragments. The long serpentous body reared up to release a deafening roar
which rocked the normally sleepy little town of Ifurita.

  Lina looked up at the thing that had emerged from the main library. And
blinked in deja vu. "It looks kinda like that desert worm beastie we fought in
TRY..." [18]

  The giant worm did indeed look very much like the afformentioned monster,
but there were a few differences. A pair of glasses sat before the thing's
beady eyes, of which there were exactly two. The body segment just beyond the
head was wrapped in a tweed vest, a white shirt with no sleeves or armholes,
and a red bowtie.

  "That's the biggest bookworm I've ever seen!" commented Gourry.

  Lina's shoulders fell. "These random monsters just keep getting sillier and
sillier with every season..."

  A villager, an old crone, came running up to them, screaming, "Somebody has
released the bookwyrm!"

  Gourry smiled proudly. "Hey, I was right! It _is_ a bookworm!"

  The resident sorceress twirled her index finger in the air in a few tight
circles. "Woopdie-doo," Lina said with a complete lack of enthusiasm. "What I
want to know is how a bookworm could get this big."

  "Oh, ye wish to know how the bookwyrm came to be, eh?" the old crone asked
with a grin. Without waiting for a reply, and dispite the fact that the
bookwyrm was rapidly approaching their current position, the villager began in
a voice you'd expect to hear from a person telling a creepy story, "Three
centuries ago, the town of Ifurita was a thriving city, with a library
unmatched by any other. Among its collection was a group of powerful books of
magic. One of them... was the Mystic Grimore of the great magus, Juilah Childe.
T'was a horrible tome, full of mystical recipies, and said to be so powerful
that anyone who gazed upon its pages would be overcome with an insatiable
hunger."

  Grinning cattily, Lina turned to the others and remarked, "Sounds like my
kinda book!"

  "Then," continued the crone, "one day... one disasterous day... an ordinary
bookworm happened to taste one of its pages. Upon eating the Mystic Grimore of
Juliah, it was overcome with a ravenous appetite. The little bookworm started
feeding on the books in the library... and it grew... and grew!"

  Melsia gave an even look at Lina. "I think I know where this is leading..."
Lina nodded in agreement, while Gourry just looked puzzled.

  "It grew until... *until*... UNNTILLLL--!"

  "Until it became as large as a freakin' sea-serpent," Lina finished.

  The villager stopped dead, punctuated by the sound of rapidly approaching
carnage.

  "Why yes. How did you know that, dearie?" the villager asked curiously.

  Lina hiked a thumb to the rampaging (and approaching) bookwyrm. "I had a
suspicion," she said. "So anyway, how did you guys get rid of it?"

  Melsia looked back toward the source of the carnage. "Um, Lina--" she said
tentitively. Lina waved her off.

  The villager began again in that storytelling tone, "The beast rampaged
through the town, smashing buildings, eating people, and raping the
earthworms--"

  "Linaaaa!" Gourry whined.

  "*SHHH!*" Lina shushed them. "Quiet guys! I'm trying to find out how to
defeat that thing," came her vicious snap. Lina turned back toward the old
crone. "Go on," she prompted, ignoring the sound of approaching explosions and
gibbering Gabrievs.

  "Nothing was effective on the bookwyrm!" the crone said ominously, "No
weapon. No spell. No poison."

  Lina felt a tap on her shoulder. "What is it NOW, guys?" she snarled.

  Gourry and Melsia nodded at each other. "Lina," Melsia began, "Gourry and I
have decided to run away from the bookwyrm, which is at this moment rapidly
approaching this very position. If that's okay with you."

  "Sure, whatever," Lina said casually as she turned back toward the villager,
and the two Gabrievs immediately bolted. The redheaded sorceress turned back to
the woman. "Now, what was..." Lina's bade to continue paused as she processed
Melsia's message. "Wait! What was that?!" she asked, turning back toward where
Gourry and Melsia were just a few moments ago...

  ...and found the monsterous body of the bookwyrm looming over her.

  "Uh-oh," she squeaked.

  *SMACK!*

  "WAAAAHHHHH!!!!" screamed a now-airborne Lina Inverse as she pinwheeled
through the air, courtesy a powerful smack from the bookwyrm's tail.

---------
(18) See Slayers TRY #4/#56

-  ---    -----      -------      -----    ---  -

  As the bookwyrm railed through the streets, one blue character dodged
through the streets to keep from being crushed under the thing's weight. His
name was Zelgadis Greywers, and he was the one who released the beast in the
first place.

  Fortunately, no one had figured that out yet.

  He'd been doing a good job at avoiding being hit by the monster itself, as
well as all of the debris that the monster kicked up in its wild romp through
downtown. There was one exception, though: the rapidly pinwheeling form of Lina
Inverse, punted into the air by the bookwyrm's tail, came literally screaming
down from the sky.

  *CLANG!*

  Zelgadis was stunned by Lina's appearance, as Lina had met him head-to-head
in the most painful of senses. A bug-eyed Lina and equally bug-eyed Zelgadis
were frozen for a moment, before Lina finally toppled off Zelgadis's head to
land in a heap next to him. Stone being harder than skull, Zelgadis was still
conscious, albeit smarting and possibly a little disoriented. By the same
token, Lina had gone twisty-eyed as she watched the tweeting Claire Bibles
flying around her head.  @.@

  Coming to his senses, Zelgadis kneeled over Lina. "Lina," he gently urged
the fallen sorceress. "Lina, wake up."

  "I'll return the Necronomicron by the due date this time, Ms. Cerebus, I
promise!" she mumbled, still quite out of it.

  Zelgadis sighed. "Lina!" he said with more urgency, as he patted her cheeks.

  In a snap, Lina woke up. "Huh?" she muttered as she looked up, only to find
the bookwyrm rampaging through the town, destroying property and crushing
people. "It's destroying the town," she said redundantly.

  "* ** ROOOOAAAARRRR!!!! ** *"

  **CRASH!**

  "WEEEEEEED!!!!!"
  "Shut up! F'tang! F'tang!"

  "It's destroying the town of the Harvestfest!" Lina snarled. She jumped to
her feet and declared with a righteous look on her face that would make Amelia
go green with envy, "I won't allow it!"

  Zelgadis rolled his eyes. "I suspected you'd say something to that effect."

  Lina gathered flame between her palms, shaping it into a basketball-sized
orb, then drew back and pitched it at the enormous worm.

  "=FIREBALL!="

  With a loud bang, the ball of fire exploded against the bookwyrm's skin.
Apart from the slight searing, the only effect it had on the worm was that it
attracted the beast's attention. It let out a mighty roar and bared down on
Lina again.

  "WAAAAHHHH!!!" she screamed.

  "LIIIINAAAA!!!" Gourry bellowed, her name becoming a war-cry. The blond
swordsman made a mighty leap up to the bookwyrm's head and powerfully brought
his blade down to slice at the thing's flesh...

  *BING!*

  ...and bounced harmlessly off the bookwyrm's tough hide.

  O.O  "Moo?" he mooed in shock.

  Without further delay, the bookwyrm batted the annoying swordsman away with
its tail.

  *CRACK!*

  "WAAHHH!!!" cried the hapless swordsman as he arced high into the air.
Reaching the apex of his trajectory quickly, Gourry then plunged down again...
right through the roof of the restraunt where he and Lina were to have dinner
later that evening.

  Gourry was thus fashionably early.

  The shock of the human projectile sending shocks and vibrations through the
building's structure, the restraunt shuddered dangerously. Lina stared in
horror as the restraunt then collapsed into rubble with a thundering crash.
"Nooooooooooo!" she wailed with grief, tears streaming down her face. "Not the
restraunt!" [19] She turned to the bookwyrm, an incensed snarl on her lips.
"Right, worm!" Lina growled, "Lina Inverse is _through_ playin' games!" She
started to chant her signature spell:

     "Darkness beyond twilight,
      Crimson beyond blood that flows--"

  "Dame yo!" [20] shrieked Melsia, grabbing Lina under her arms and
restraining her. Lina the Pink [21] snapped and snarled in her grip. Melsia
continued, "If you let loose here, you'll blow up all of Ifurita! And poof goes
the Harvestfest, forever!"

  Lina stopped struggling at that point. "You have a point there," she said
with disappointment.

  As Melsia released her and backed off, Lina began to cast a less destructive
spell. "=VAL FLARE!=" Lina let loose what looked like a wicked-huge Flare
Arrow. It streaked towards the bookwyrm and struck it dead center. And erupted
in a huge explosion on impact.

  ** B L A S T ! **

  The explosion actually knocked the bookwyrm's head back a bit as it torched
the creature's skin. However, when the smoke cleared, the great beast merely
appeared a bit crisped. After a slight pause to blink, it quickly shook off the
carbon, leaving it as good as new. The bookwyrm twisted itself around, and Lina
found herself dodging its repeated attempts to skewer her by its tail.

  "Looks like elemental spells don't work against this thing," Melsia mused.

  "And regular swords don't work either..." added the chimera. Drawing his
sword with a cocky grin, Zelgadis declared, "Well, I have a solution for
_that_."

  In response, Melsia drew her own sword. "So do I," she replied.

  The two called their respective sword power-up spells together. Or rather,
they were the same power-up spell.

  "=ASTRAL VINE!="

  *CRACK-BOOM!*

  With the crackling retort of thunder, the two blades flashed with power.
They glowed brightly, almost washing out their respective features. However,
their colors were different. Zelgadis's blade was glowing a deep red, whereas
Melsia's was glowing of purest white.

  "Looks like we're using the same solution," Zelgadis observed, noting that
they had used the same spell to activate their swords. Then he noticed that
their swords were not glowing the same color. "Except your sword's glowing
white."

  She winked at the chimera. "That's 'cause it's a holy sword, hon!"

  Her wink left Zelgadis flustered and Melsia with the initative.

  The warrior-priestess bolted toward the bookwyrm. She made a total of three
leaps. The first one started on a stretch of the bookwyrm's body contacting the
ground. The second leap took her from that body segment to another higher up.
The third carried her high over the beast and diving towards its midsection.

  Like a lightsaber through a right-hand wrist, the doubly-enchanted blade
breached its tough outer hide and cut a long slash deep into the creature's
flesh. "=BURST RONDO!=" she yelled as she fell away, hurling a hail of minature
fireballs at the thing for good measure.

  The fusillade of fist-sized fireballs had not hurt the bookwyrm in any
capacity, as they bouced harmlessly off the thing's tough hide.

  However, the cut _had_ hurt the creature, that much was certain, as it let
out a deafening roar of pain. The creature's gargantuan size belied its
agility, for the bookwyrm reacted as quickly as it reacted angrily to Melsia's
strike. It happened to choose the same method to dispose of this annoyance as
it did the previous Gabriev-- the tail whipped out at Melsia, and there was no
time for her to dodge.

  Although she couldn't dodge the strike, Melsia had ample time to mumble a
very astute observation: [22]

  "This... is going to smart."

  *POW!*

  Lina shielded her eyes as she watched the flying priestess receed rapidly
over the horizon. Popping on a pair of aviator sunglasses and a baseball cap,
she delivered her commentary on the bookwyrm's pop fly, "Good distance on that
girl!"

---------
(19) All within earshot (save Zelgadis, who expected this from Lina)
facefaulted.
(20) dame yo: "You can't!"
(21) 'Lina the Pink' is Lina's official designation in the mage's guild. She
prefers not to be referred to as such, for obvious reasons. People who don't
like pain also prefer not to refer to her by that name for equally obvious
reasons. At least, not to her face.
(22) There's _always_ time to deliver (or set up) a joke in comic exaggeration.

-  ---    -----    ---  -

  "WAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!" the priestlessly projectile screamed as she tumbled
through the air, out of control. Even though Melsia knew both Levitation and
Ray Wing, she couldn't use them; careening out of control through the air does
not do much for one's concentration. Thus her flight remained influenced only
by a force that would not be formaly described until Sir Isaac Newton forgot to
wear a hard hat to the apple orchid: gravity.

  As all things must come to an end, so did Melsia's flight.

  *CRASH!*
  *SMASH!*
  *KA-BLOOSH!*

  She crashed through the roof, kicking up a large cloud of dust and debris as
she perforated the roof, then the ceiling, kicking up more dust, and finally
plunging into one of the large bathtubs housed within the building. Water
surged up in a large splash, throwing up a large mist among the cacophony of
feminine screeches.

  "*peh!* *peh!*" Melsia hacked as she coughed and spit up a mouthful of water
as she emerged, shaking a little water out of her hair. She raised a fist and
barked into the sky, "BOOKWYRM NO BAKAYAROU!!"

  It was then she noted that she was in some rather hot water, just right for
a hot bath. A nagging voice warned her, 'BAD JOKE ALERT! BAD JOKE ALERT!' She
slowly brought herself to inspect her surroundings.

  What Melsia saw as she glanced around filled her with dread.

  She saw women gathered around her, staring in shock at this invader into
this sacred realm. The shock was so great that the women around Melsia were
mentally stunned. She also appeared to be in hot water.

  With nothing but little bath towels protecting their modesty.

  Not that they needed to protect their privacy from _this_ particular
invader, but what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them. Or rather, what they
didn't know would hurt Melsia Gabriev.

  "Oh, bloody hell!" Melsia cursed under her breath.

  Her expletive seemed to break the women out of their stupor, with the
expected results.

  "KYAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

  Melsia flinched at the din hammering her eardrums. As the screaming nekkid
girlz pitched every handy object they could lay their hands on, Melsia moaned
under her breath, "This sucks!" The first object, a shallow wooden bucket,
actually struck her immediately thereafter... right in the face, as it
happened.

  *CRACK!*

  This was followed by a hail of miscelleneous loose items that one finds
around the bathroom, putting Melsia in a world of hurt. This hail began with
more buckets (*CLONK!* "OW! STOP IT!"), bars of soap (*thunk!* "OOF!"), brushes
(*clatter!* "ITAI!"), shampoo (Shampoo: "Aiyah!")... er, that is glass shampoo
bottles (*TINK!* "OW! HEY!"), and stools (*BONK!* "YAGH!").

  The hail then turned to loose tiles (*CHUNK!* "GLARG!"), spigots (*KOONK!*
"AUGH!"), lead pipe (*KINK!* "UNGH!"), wrenches--

  /* WRENCHES?!?! (*KANG!* "GAH!") */

  --and eventually a bathroom sink. [23]

  "Geh!"

  *KA-KRASH!*

  Fortunately for our friendly neighborhood Vestian Maiden, Melsia had
rediscovered her physical prowess in time to dodge back from the bathroom sink.
In another feat of lifelong training, Melsia exiting the bathhouse the same way
she entered, shouting as she cleared the hole, "I'm going, I'm going! Sheesh!"

  "Y'know, I think this 'Blessing' may be more trouble than its worth!" the
Vestian mumbled as she fled from the bathing room. However, before the
bathhouse was completely out of sight, a thought occured to Melsia. She paused
as she glanced back toward the onsen in the distance. "And why are they bathing
with a big worm on the rampage, anyway?" she wondered aloud.

---------
(23) Used only because a kitchen sink wasn't availible.

-  ---    -----    ---  -

  Zelgadis had shaken off the disorientation of Melsia's winking at him almost
immediately. He decided, however, to watch this warrior-priestess do her stuff,
only to see her rack up some more frequent flier miles. Shaking his head,
Zelgadis moved in to take a piece out of the worm himself.

  Like Gourry and Melsia before him, the chimera went for the direct approach,
leaping up at it and chopping into it. However, Zelgadis had learned from the
Gabrievs' misfortune. As he struck, he was already moving at demon speeds to
avoid being made another datapoint in this creature's batting average
statistic. Thus, the bookwyrm missed every one of its attempts to swat him
away.

  Dodging another attempt to clobber him, Zelgadis concentrated briefly,
focusing his astral energy, then released it in the form of the most powerful
spell in shamanism.

  "=RA TILT!="

  A blast of astral energy surrounded the bookwyrm, bathing it in bright white
light. The worm was startled for a second, but when the light fated, the beast
was still alive and kicking, quickly shaking off the disorientation the attack
caused. The bookwyrm lashed out with its tail, forcing Zelgadis to leap over
it.

  Zelgadis remarked, "It must not have much of an astral form to speak of.
Makes sense; after all, it's only a dumb animal."

  *PIKU!*

  A huge vein throbbed on some part of the worm's head. The bookwyrm reared
back and let out an angry-sounding roar.

  "I think it heard you, Zel," Lina said with a calmness not fitting the
current confrontational context.

  The bookwyrm's enourmous bulk bore down on the now-fleeing chimera. Zelgadis
now had to use every ounce of his demon speed just to keep ahead of the
enormous literate invertibrate. "YAAAHH!!" screamed the granite guy, dodging
through the streets with an enraged bookwyrm on his hindquarters. He hoped that
the worm would tire or calm down before he tired himself.

  It didn't work out that way.

  *SPLAT!*

  Zelgadis lay prone inside a neat indentation in the disturbed soil left by
the passing bookwyrm. "Now I know what roadkill feels like..." mumbled the
stone esquire, face still firmly mashed in the soil.

  "Yo, Zel! You okay?" asked Lina as she rushed over to his side.

  Zelgadis managed to pull his head up from the packed soil he'd been buried
in and looked up at Lina. "Other than the fact that I've just had a multiton
piece of fishbait roll over me, I'm feeling just peachy," he said with his
characteristic dryness, with a touch of sarcasm. Lina nodded, satisfied that a
Zelgadis using dry wit and/or sarcasm was a Zelgadis that was going to be just
fine. "I think we can forget direct combat altogether, Lina. I may be tough,
but that thing will grind me into gravel before I can do very much damage to
it."

  "I think you're right." Lina turned to the bookwyrm, which was now taking
its time to demolish a pastry shop. "What the heck do you have to hit this
thing with to kill it, anyway?! =RUNE FLARE!=" she snapped, firing off a volley
of energy missles at the worm, which exploded. As she half-expected, her attack
had no decernable effect on the overgrown nematode. "You know, this thing is
really starting to annoy me," the ticked-off little redhead growled.

  "You already were annoyed, Lina," the chimera pointed out, then casually
sidestepped a small fireball lobbed at him. "It looks like all Shamanistic
magic is pretty much useless, too," observed the chimera.

  Nodding, Lina added, "Which leaves Black Magic." She scratched her chin in
thought. "The trouble is that the three biggest spells in Black Magic are
pretty much useless here. The Dragon Slave will just leave a crater, and the
Gaav Flare and the Ragna Blast can't be cast any more because Gaav and Phibrizo
are dead."

  Zelgadis nodded in agreement, even as he watched Melsia jog up to join them.
"Meanwhile, the Giga Slave and the Ragna Blade are serious overkill," he added.

  "Lina! Zelgadis!" the priestess called as she rejoined the group. "Did I
miss anything?"

  "Where have you been?" Lina asked testily, turning around. She froze, seeing
Melsia's condition. "Melsia! Where did you get that shiner?!" she asked, anger
being replaced by concern. A slight confusion soon joined the concern. "And why
are you soaking wet?"

  Melsia reached up and probed around her right eye. The sore flesh protested,
and Melsia flinched, hissing in pain. She smiled sheepishly. "Oh, I just got
into a little hot water at the women's onsen."

  "Ah, sou..." [24] Lina murmured, wincing. Whether this was in sympathy of
Melsia being repelled violently by their fellow womankin or at the implied pun
was unknown.

  "Anyway, what's the story?" baded Melsia.

  "Well, we kinda determined that Shamanism is no good against that thing, and
ditto with direct combat, even with enchanted weapons. That leaves Black
Magic," summarized Lina. "Of course, Black Magic isn't something you..." Lina
trailed off as she remembered that Melsia was no ferschlugginer ordinary
priestess, but a Vestian Maiden. You could almost see the light bulb go on
above her head. "Hey, Melsia! I've heard that the Vestian Order did _not_ lose
the secrets of holy magic, unlike other sects. Is it true?"

  "It is," the Vestian confirmed. Melsia was about to launch into a brief
explanation into that particular distinction of the Vestian Order:

  Not long after the Mazoku's Barrier was erected, an Elder of the Order had
stumbled onto a sublte hole in the Barrier, allowing their priestesses to again
call upon the remaining three Dragon Lords. Therefore, the knowledge of holy
spells was not allowed to decay as in other sects. However, the Council feared,
quite rightly, that the Mazoku would find out about the hole and seal it, again
rendering holy spells ineffective. Thus, the Vestian Order decided against
sharing that secret with others.

  Melsia was _about_ to explain all this, but before she could even open her
mouth for the first line, Lina interrupted her. "That's great, Melsia! Prepare
one of your heavy-hitting holy spells to nail that critter." With that, Lina
approached the bookwyrm.

  Melsia scowled at Lina's retreating back. "Some people have no respect for
history," she groused.

  "Not while in the middle of a fight, anyway," Zelgadis added. Melsia looked
at Zelgadis in surprise, but then realized his point; combat was never the
place for a history lesson. She gave him an annoyed look anyway. Zelgadis
merely smiled in response as he followed Lina. Zelgadis was then followed by a
still miffed Melsia.

  Lina was first. "Let's go!" she cheered, kicking off with an offensive spell
drawing from one of Ruby-Eye's Marshals.

  "=DYNAST BRASS!="

  The icy ruler of the north, Dynast Grausherra, answered her call. A glowing
pentagram slammed down onto the ground surrounding the bookwyrm, then lightning
lashed out at the beast. The bookwyrm convulsed as it was hit with megavolts of
electricity.

  Before it had a chance to recover, Zelgadis had his turn. Hitting the ground
just before Lina, he brought his hand down, burying his fingers between the
cobblestones. A heartbeat later, he barked the spell's name:

  "=GOZ VU ROU!="

  Something that appeared to be a shadow streamed out from his fingers,
fanning out before him to engulf the entire creature. Sadly, the spell was too
weak to complete its job, which was to destroy the creature's astral self
before taking the physical self along with it. The bookwyrm struggled under
what essentially amounted to dark taffy, but was not harmed.

  "My turn," Melsia mumbed as she called upon the power of Aurora, the Wind
Dragon King. [25] Soft rainbow colors surrounded her, then flashed into a great
burst of light as she yelled the spell:

  "=AURORA BREAK!="

  Streaks of multicolored light screamed as they rained down upon the
bookwyrm, exploding into cross-shaped blasts of energy no less than ten direct
hits on various points of its body. The three shielded their eyes as the glare
of the blasts almost blinded them. When the flash cleared, the still-healthy
bookwyrm let out a roar of defiance.

  "Gosh, that thing's _tough_!" Lina remarked, almost in awe. "Even the desert
worm wasn't this much trouble!"

  Melsia tapped her lip thoughtfully. "Hmmm, maybe knowledge _is_ power!" she
remarked. Zelgadis groaned.

  Once her awe dissipated, Lina was quite miffed. "AHHHH!! This sucks! That
damned thing is as tough as a dragon!" Lina screamed in frustration, stomping
the ground repeatedly in her ire.

  "Too bad it isn't a dragon," Zelgadis mused under his breath. "Otherwise, we
could use that Dragon-Spooking talent you have to scare it off."

  "WhaT WAs thAT!?!" Lina snarled demonically, head inflated to gargantuan
size.

  Although he was visibly nervous, Zelgadis managed to keep a calm voice.
"Nothing," he said, sweatdropping. Lina's blood pressure slowly dropped back to
normal.

  Lina sighed, her shoulders slumping in defeat. "I hate to admit it, but we
need to find out how that thing was trapped the last time," she said in
resignation. "Meanwhile, I'll just have to put this thing on ice."

  Lina reached up into the sky, once more calling on the power of the power of
Dynast Grausherra. Mental fingers moulded the chilling power into a spell that
harnessed that freezing power.

  "=DYNAST BREATH!="

  An icy whirlwind surrounded Lina, then rushed out toward the bookwyrm at
tremendous speed. The whirlwind turned into a humongous, chilling vortex around
the monsterous beast. Ice crystals began to form around the beast's body,
growing rapidly until it encased the beast in a cryogenic tomb.

  Lina nodded in satisfaction. "Right, we've bought ourselves some time."

  The first thing Lina did was to rush over to the rubble whence her
earstwhile companion, Gourry Gabriev, lay buried underneath the rubble of a
collapsed restraunt. Within minutes she had dug out the blond swordsman from
the rubble.

  "Man, what hit me?" he asked Lina dizzily.

  "A tail. Followed by a restraunt," was her glib reply. Lina turned to the
villagers. "Does anyone know how Ifurita got rid of this thing the last time?"
she asked the group, indicating the overgrown well-read slithery thing.

  One villager spoke up. "Well miss, really only Old Woman Rumi knows that
part of the legend."

  "Well, how do we find this Old Woman Rumi?" Lina asked despirately as she
watched the bookwyrm go wild on the town structures. The redheaded sorceress's
ears perked as she heard a grandmotherly voice.

  "Looking for me, dearie?"

  Lina turned to see the old crone from before smiling warmly back at her.
"Granny!" Lina jogged up to the old crone. "Obaachan, [26] we need to know how
that beast was sealed away last time!" she said urgently.

  The old crone nodded. "I was just gettin' to that when we were interrupted."
She immediately switched to storytelling mode, and continued the tale, "Things
looked hopeless. Fortunately, a powerful priest, wearing flowing white robes
and habitually carying an olive branch, was nearby, and sealed the bookwyrm
within a cage of pages; a book, whose pages had been sealed with a mystic lock.
That book now lay in the keep of our main library, to guard it's prisoner
forever." Grandma Rumi cast a fearful glance at the rampaging bookwyrm. "Or at
least, that's where it should be."

  Lina scratched her chin in thought, mulling over the story. Then her eyes
popped open; she had it. "Wait, 'flowing white robes and habitually carrying an
olive branch'? That sounds like a priest from the Temple of Delphilos!" she
realized aloud. A nasty suspicion was forming in her brain. "This book. It
wouldn't happen to be the Grellic Book of Proteus, would it?"

  The crone looked a little surprised. "Aye, but how did ye know that?"

  That was all Lina needed to know. Instead of answering the old woman, Lina
turned around and directed her next utterance directly at the chimera who was
just then attempting to sneak sneakily away. "Zeeeelllll?" Lina growled.

  Zelgadis froze, knowing he was in deep trouble.

  "You wouldn't happen to know where the Grellic Book of Proteus is, would
you, Zel?" The way Lina asked that question implied that the answer was that
Zelgadis did indeed know where that particular book was.

  Still, Zelgadis had to try to wiggle out of it. After all, was he not
despirate for a cure? And was not the Book of Proteus his best bet? "Erm, what
book?" he asked lamely.

  "Wrong answer, Zel. Try again," Lina said in a dangerous tone.

  Zelgadis knew that if he didn't produce the book, he would be rubble.
Downcast, the cynical chimera held up the book.

  "Give it to me," ordered Lina.

  Zelgadis decided to put his foot down. "No! Absolutely not, Lina!" he
retorted angrily. "This book is my best bet for a cure, you know!"

  The redheaded sorceress was not amused. Flame erupted in the background
around her. Her eyes appeared to be glowing slightly, and she appeared to have
grown a set of fangs. Lina held her hand out, palm up. "Zel. Hand it over.
Now." Her instructions were delivered in a grating, no-backtalk-tolerated
voice.

  The chimera swallowed nervously, intimidated by the display. Ears drooping
and looking like a kicked puppy, Zelgadis surrendered the Book of Proteus.

  Meanwhile, the ice encasing the bookwyrm began to crack. Once it started
failing, the ice sheath degraded at a rapid rate, cracks spreading all over the
ice surface, finally failing altogether with a shatter. It announced its
release with a loud roar.

  Lina knew that time was short. She turned to the old crone. "Okay, how do we
seal the bookwyrm with this book?" she asked.

  "Ah, ye need merely to reactivate the holy seal placed on the iron strap and
lock."

  Lina blinked. It seemed so... simple. "That's it?" she asked.

  "That's it."

  "I guess all we need is someone who specializes in casting holy spells,"
Lina mused. She turned to the closest candidate availible. "Melsia! You're a
priestess!" she observed. "Surely you can activate a holy seal!"

  "Ah! Hai!" Melsia acknowledged. Closing her eyes, she concentrated a few
moments, silently weaving the spell. Suddenly, her hands went through a
combination of hand gestures. Just as her hands became still, Melsia's eyes
popped open and she uttered a single word:

  "=SEAL!="

  At her single word, the book shuddered in Lina's hands. Suddenly, the lock
began to glow, and then snapped shut on its own with a loud click. All was
still for a moment, then the book as a whole began glowing an eerie pale green,
a glow which quickly became incandecent. The glow was so bright all had to
squint and even then none could look directly at it.

  Bathed in the bright light, the bookwyrm reared back and roared as if in
pain and outrage. Its image began to distort like rubber being pulled toward a
single point. The bookwyrm struggled against the strange force sucking it
toward the book, but it was useless. All at once, the bookwyrm overbalanced and
was slurped into the book like a gargantuan piece of spaghetti. The book threw
off a few sparks, then became quiecent.

  A couple of seconds passed before all realized it was over.

  Then came a deafening roar as the town broke into cheers.

  "Whew! Glad that's all over with," Melsia sighed in relief.

  Lina grinned. "I wouldn't be too sure about that," she drawled, and pointed
behind Melsia.

  "Eh?" Melsia uttered questioningly as she turned to look in the direction
Lina was pointing.

  In that particular direction lurked a mob of girls. They all wore goofy
grins, adoring looks pasted on their faces. Their eyes were strangely
distorted; they appeared to be pink and heart-shaped, throbbing in a regular
beat. "MY HEEERRROOOO!!!" came a chorus of high, devoted voices as they sighed,
and the group charged.

  Melsia's eyes bugged out as she saw the approaching mob of lovestruck girls.
"YEEK!" she yelped, and beat a path into the distance. The gaggle of girls
rushed past the remaining three, all the while squealing with glee and calling
out to their collective hero. The gaggle was soon chased after by a gout of
guys, angry at some punk stealing their girlfriends.

  Gourry opened his eyes. "Lina, that thing Melsia did..." he began.

  Lina felt a headache coming on; a Gourry-ism was about to be born. "What is
it, Gourry?" the redhead asked wearily.

  "It was a seal, right?" Gourry held up a little stuffed toy seal. "*OOF!*"
he gasped as Lina lazily rabbit-punched him in the gut.

---------
(24) Sou: (context) "I see..."
(25) Yes, I did make up that name. It sounds a bit more cool than 'Aer, the Air
Dragon King'
(26) obaachan: "granny"

-  ---    -----      -------      -----    ---  -

[An hour later]

  Melsia's cape fluttered as she cleared the house, coming to land gracefully
next to the rest of her group. Then she slumped over wheezing. "Finally lost
'em!" she gasped. "Freakin' fangirls! I wish they'd get a life instead of
chasing after me!"

  "Well, if it's any comfort, Melsia, _we_ had to endure our fair share of
hero-worship after returning the Book of Proteus to its vault," Lina said with
a smile. "But now we can resume our Harvestfest festivities!" Lina shouted,
punching her arm into the air in triumph.

  The two Gabrievs smiled, one brilliantly and one not so brilliantly. [27]
They each let out a loud cry of elation for the resumption of the week-long
party.

  "Yahoo!" Gourry whooped.
  "Par-tayyy!" Melsia cheered, the prospect of food instantly revitalizing
her.

  "I'm afraid not, folks," came an appologetically authorative voice.

  "Huh?" Lina asked, turning to face a spry-looking old man, smartly dressed
and well decorated, standing behind her. He had an air of officialness that
conveyed the feeling that when he spoke, he was speaking for the entire town.

  "The rest of Harvestfest has been canceled because of all the destruction
the bookwyrm caused," the mayor explained.

  There was a few seconds of deadly, deafening silence. Then Lina turned
slowly to face Zelgadis with an EVIL look on her face. "Zeeellll!!!" she
growled.

  Zelgadis bigsweated. "Uh oh."

  "You _ruined_ Harvestfest," ground out Lina, said as if Zelgadis was a
serial child-killer. "The biggest festival in a hundred leagues and you RUINED
it! All for your *stupid curse*!" the sorceress roared, blowing Zelgadis's wire
hair back.

  Zelgadis turned to the Gabrievs for help. He did not receive it. However, he
did receive some very icy stares. The implied message couldn't have been
clearer if they had held up signs saying:

  [ DEATH TO THE HARVESTFEST-WRECKER, ZELGADIS GREYWERS! ]

  No help from the Gabriev branch. Sadly, Zelgadis had to somehow calm down
Lina on his own. This is quite an undertaking even under the best of
circumstances. And under _these_ circumstances, almost impossible.

  "N-Now wait a second, Lina!" the blue chimera stammered, eyes wide with
fear. "How was I supposed to know--" Lina, however, would hear none of
Zelgadis's excuses:

  "=FIREBALL!="

  *BOOM!*

  The explosion sent the hapless Zelgadis flying through the air without the
control of a flight spell, assuming a balistic path. "AAAHHH!!!" cried Zelgadis
as he and his voice faded into the distance.

  "Moouuu!! You're not getting away THAT easily, buster! =RAYWING!=" Lina
snarled as she took off after the chimera.

  Gourry and Melsia Gabriev scratched their heads as they watched Lina chase
Zelgadis around town, doling punishment on him. "Yare yare..." they said
together. [28]

  The sky over Ifurita lit up with fire. And it wasn't from fireworks.

  *SHU-SHU-SHU!* *KA-BOOM!* *KA-BOOM!* *KA-BOOM!*

  "YAAAHHH!!!" screamed Zelgadis as he fled the irate, fireball-flinging
sorceress.

  "MATTEEEIII!!!" [29] roared Lina, in hot pursuit of the one who ruined
Harvestfest.

---------
(27) Guess the Gabriev who smiled brilliantly and who not so brilliantly! ]
(28) yare yare: "Good grief"
(29) mattei: "wait"; "stop"

-  ---    -----      -------      -----    ---  -

  Fortunately for Zelgadis, Lina eventually ran out of steam, and was thus
able to leave Ifutura with the rest of the group under his own power. Lina
seemed calm, as if all was forgiven and forgotten. Zelgadis knew, however, that
he would be on Lina's shit list for a long time to come. That meant he had to
be extra-nice to her; in particular, that meant being the party cook for the
foreseeable future.

  Lina was now chatting with Melsia regarding her temple sister. "So, did you
ever find out about that Vestian Maiden that breezed through here some years
ago?"

  Melsia sighed. "A dry well. It was a vest-maker maiden, not a Vestian
Maiden."

  "Oh..."

  Suddenly, Gourry smacked his fist in the palm of his other hand. "Hey, that
reminds me, Lina! I got this for you." With that, he dug something out of his
pocket and handed it to Lina.

  It was a broach, made of gold and rubies. It was round with a flower-like
design studded with rubies on the front. On the back, it attached to the
wearer's clothes with a clasp. On the whole it was simple, yet elegant in its
simplicity. A light blush spread across Lina's face.

  "And dare I ask how in the world a vest-maker reminded you of that broach?"
asked Zelgadis.

  Gourry grinned. "Simple! You put broaches on clothes, and vests are
clothes!"

  "Whatever works, I guess," commented Lina. She examined the broach over
again, and smiled a smile that warmed Gourry's heart. "It's beautiful!" she
said with much joy. "Thank you! But..." She popped open a panel in back.
"...what's this compartment for?"

  Gourry grinned merrily. "Oh, you put your weed in there!"

  ** THUD! **

  Lina, Melsia and Zelgadis all ate dirt.

===============================================================================

[AN APPOLOGY]

Demented Gerbil Productions would like to appologize to the British police for
the character Police Constable Pan Am. He was not meant to represent the
average British police officer. Similarly, the referene to Buzz Aldrin, the
astronaut, was a product of a disturbed mind, and should not be construed as
having any other significance.

[Photo of Buzz Aldrin; Cue "The Star-Spangled Banner"]

***************************

Demented Gerbil Productions
 presents

 THE BUZZ ALDRIN SHOW

***************************
Starring: Buzz Aldrin

With: Lina Inverse
     Gourry Gabriev
     Melsia Gabriev
     Zelgadis Greywers

Featuring:
     Bevis Bovine
     Butthead Bunghole
     Police Constable Pan Am
     Weed Dude A
     Weed Dude B
     The Waiter
     The Bookwyrm
     Old Woman Rumi
         and
     the Mayor and townspeople
    of Ifurita, Ceiphied's world

===============================================================================

Author's Afterward:

Regarding the 'Eclectic Art' skit -- Yes, I admit it's Saturday Night Live
rip-off, but I just couldn't resist casting it into the Slayers universe! I've
tried to remember everything I could about the skit, but the memory is so
ancient that I just don't remember much about it. (This was waaay back when SNL
was _good_!) For instance, I don't know exactly _who_ I should be putting as
the guest stars of this episode. (Any reminders will be much appreciated!)

I'd also like to appologize to Python (Monty) Ltd. for use of Police Constable
Pan Am and associated funny stuff. Once I started with the silliness, I just
couldn't stop.

Happy New Year, folks!