--- Adam Brown <a.brown10@home.com> wrote:

Hi all.  Hope everyone's enjoying the holiday. 
Anyway, here's the latest installment of One War,
Three Sisters.  It's actually a prologue designed to
fix up a couple of plot holes.

I've been waiting for this for a long time, ever since
I
read this for the DPR. Glad to see you're still
writing!

If this C&C seems truncated or curt to you, it's
because 
I lost the whole damn thing to an IE crash right
before I
was gonna hit "send". I C&C in Notepad from now on. 

Enjoy!

Ranma is not mine.  X-Com is not mine.  Starcraft is
not mine.  'Nuff said.

 
Viz Video, Microprose, and Blizzard Entertainment, if 
anybody was wondering.
 

One War, Three Sisters: Prologue

        Invasion: T-10 years

        Raynor checked over his gear.  Again.  It
never got any easier, he thought.  Why can't these 
things leave us alone?  Not that he and his
crew weren't ready.  

I think you jump too much between those two sentences.

I'd have Raynor thinking more about the aliens ("Why 
Earth? Why couldn't they pick some other planet and
leave
them in peace?"), then have the next line as part of a

new paragraph.

They were more than ready, with dozens of ops under
their belts.  Hundreds of hours of experience,
thousands of training, his crew could take on

anything 

that could be thrown at them.  He was not worried

about

his team.

More sentence nitpicking -- I think that first period
is 
misplaced. Here's how I would do it:

"Not that he and his crew weren't ready -- they were 
*more* than ready. With hundreds of hours of
experience, 
thousands of training, and dozens of successful 
operations under their belts, they could take anything

that could be thrown at them."

        He was, however, worried about the rookie.
        Lieutenant Sarah Kerrigan was a transfer
from the Special-Ops division.  She was the first of

a 

new kind of soldier.  A Ghost.  She was a psionic, 
capable of doing amazing things with the powers of

her

mind, if her dossier was to be believed.  Jim

believed 

it.  He did not have much respect for the eggheads

in 

the R&D division, but most of the gear they came up 
with was top notch, like the mind-blockers, that
rendered telepathic species unconscious without the
use of drugs.

And the Hovertank / Plasma. I loved that little
bugger.

        Jim got to his feet.  "We're ten minutes to
the drop," he told his crew.  "Final checks."  He

went 

over to Kerrigan, who was busy making sure her 
submachine gun was ready.
        "You okay?" he asked.
        Sarah brushed back a lock of red hair behind
her ear before donning her Kevlar helmet.  "I'm

fine, 

sir," she lied.  He could tell. The stiffness of her

shoulders, the tightness around the eyes, all the
standard fear indicators were there for someone to
see.  Sitting down, he put one hand on her shoulder.

Might want to mention something about how many times 
Jimbo's seen these signs-- right now, it's kind of 
passive, like he'd read it in a textbook. Of course,
it 
could just be me, so feel free to ignore this
particular 
comment.

        "It's all right to be scared.  And call me
Jim.  At least until we're in the field anyway."

"field, anyway"

        She looked down at his hand then up to his
eyes.  After a moment, she looked away.  Her mouth 
quirked up into what might have been a smile.  
"It's my first field op."

Is that an embarassed smile, or is she smiling because

Jimbo's taking an interest in her? I'm not too clear
on 
that.

        "I know.  Despite what everyone tries to
scare you with, it really is just like training.  
You'll be fine."
        Sarah looked at the other members of her
team who were laughing and joking with each other as

they prepared to disembark.  "They're not scared,"

she 

muttered.

"her team, who were"

        Now it was Jim's turn to smile.  "Sure they
are.  They're just better at hiding it.  You're a 
telepath.  You should know."
        "I'm not allowed to probe minds without
authorization."
        "I'll allow it this once."
        Sarah's eyes unfocused.  Furrowing her
brown, she scanned the group.  After a moment, she 
looked back up at Jim. "You're right." Some of the 
stiffness left her.  "Thanks...Jim."

"brow", not "brown".

And remember Terran Mission 4 (Or whatever mission it
was,
the one where you first get Wraiths)-- I doubt fear
would
be the ONLY thing on the troopers's minds. Might want
to 
haver he mention or react to that.

        Jim grinned.  "See?  What'd I tell you? 
Relax.  You'll be fine."

        "Okay everyone, we're about a mile away from
where Intel says the enemy are.  Lieutenant, you're

on 

point.  Give me two clicks if you spot anything.  
Everyone else, two man groups with a thirty yard

spread.

Danielson, Chavez, you're with me.  Let's go

people."  

The group of twelve X-Com soldiers made their way

slowly through

the bushes.  At their pace, it took them a better

part 

of an hour to cover the distance.

Oh god... flashbacks...

Ready the blaster launchers, level the warehouse. No, 
goddammit, don't move over there, I wanted to select 
Culvier! Shit... now I gotta wait until next turn.

*click End Turn*

No, you stupid civilian, don't go IN to the warehouse!

You'll... OH SHIT CHRYSSALID CHRYSSALID NO EAT THE 
CIVILIAN DON'T COME OVER HERE FIRE YOU BASTARDS FIRE
WHAT 
DO I PAY YOU FOR AAAAAAAAAAAGH!

*Load*

Er... Anyway, you might want to go into more detail on
the
X-COMmers's tactics. Are they crawling through the
bushes 
on their bellies, or are they investigating every
sound 
and motion? Details, man!

        Almost right on schedule, Jim received a
double click over his radio.  "All units, hold!" he 
whispered into his communicator.  The group came to

a 

halt and melded into the surrounding brush.  "Go

ahead,

Lieutenant.  What do you see?"

I think that's "melted", not "melded". I could be
wrong, 
though.

        "Sir," came the hoarse reply.  "I've got two
Zerglings about fifty yards ahead in a clearing. 

About 

one hundred yards beyond that are some more

Zerglings, 

I'd say about six.  I can also see some Hydralisks

and 

a couple of Overlords."  There was a pause.  "Sir, I
can't cloak from an Overlord."

Your phrasing on that line is awkward-- I'd suggest
"hide"
instead of "cloak" in this case, or maybe rewrite the 
sentence altogether as something like: "Sir, those 
Overlords can see through my cloak."

And it's cumbersome to say the full unit names-- I
suspect
that after dozens of missions, the X-COM members would
be 
calling them 'lings and hydras. I know I do.

        "Can they see you?"
        "No, they're stationary - shit!"
        "What?  Kerrigan, report!"  Nothing. 

"Sarah, 

come in!  Sarah-!"
        [I'm fine Jim.]

"fine, Jim"

        Jim was startled so bad he almost fell over,
prompting a curious look from his two teammates.  
Sarah? he thought.

I REALLY think you need some kind of brackets around
Jim's
thoughts. I can see where you're coming from on why
not to
have them-- Jim is narrating the scene, so it's all 
technically his thoughts already-- but it gets
confusing 
without something to separate the thoughts from the 
narration.

        [Yes, it's me.]  There was a pause.  [Very
nice, Jim.  I've never felt someone with such an 
...interesting mind.]
        It was very strange.  He could actually feel
Sarah's appreciation.  As well as a few other

things.  

Call me sir in the field, he admonished.  Now what 
happened?
        [Some more Zerglings came from behind me.] 
She obviously detected his alarm, for she assuaged

him

immediately.  [Don't worry, sir.  I cloaked.  They

can't

see me, and they don't seem to know I'm here.]
        With their minds linked, Jim could feel
Sarah's emotions.  It was...interesting to find

himself 

connected to someone so intimately. Tell me Sarah,

does 

combat always make you so...excited?  He felt a

surge of

embarrassment before her feelings were was suddenly

cut 

off.

Delete that extra "was".

        [Sorry, sir.  I wasn't shielding properly.]
        You didn't answer my question.
        He heard her sigh.  That was especially
weird, since this was all happening telepathically. 

[Sometimes.  You're threatened, put in mortal

danger, 

and the body thinks about propagating itself so-]

Either you cut out a sentence here, or you should take
out
the period after "Sometimes" and replace it with a
comma.

        Jim grinned.  I'm aware of the effects of
stress during combat, Leiutenant.  Just make sure

you 

stay focused.  He paused.  We can talk about it

later, 

back at the Nimitz if you'd like.
        For a long moment he felt nothing.  Then he
felt a light brushing sensation on his head, almost

like

someone running their fingers down his cheek.  [I

think 

I'd like that,] she replied.  "Wait a sec," she 
continued over the radio.  They're doing something."
        "What?"

"The backstroke, sir". <rimshot>

        "I can't see. I'm heading up the hill to the
south for a better look."
        "I roger that.  Be careful, Lieutenant."
        It was several tense minutes before she
communicated again.  "It almost looks like they're 
foraging.  They're bringing in trees, dead animals

and 

piling it up in the centre of the clearing.  I don't

know-oh no."  Sarah's voice was full of dread.

"know-- oh" Two hyphens and a space for an
interruption.

        "What?"
        "An Overlord just flew in from the south
over my position, they know I'm here."
        "Then get out of there!"
        "Wait, they're doing something.  The
Overlord brought something with it.  I can almost -

damn

it, get out the way!"
        "Kerrigan, get out of there!  Now!  That's
an order!"
        Sarah ignored him.  "If they'd just...oh 

God.  

Sir, it's a Drone.  They're trying to start a Hive."

Hatcheries/Lairs/Hives are big and messy affairs, what

with the Creep and the larvae and the squishiness--
they 
would have to be REALLY isolated to hope to pull it
off.

On the other hand, maybe they're starting a Hive
because 
they have enough backup to keep it up. In that case,
the 
Hive would indeed be a VERY BAD thing.

        Jim bit back a retort.  That piece of
intelligence was valuable, more valuable than the 
entire squad.  "Danielson, radio that back and
call in an air strike.  This is more than we can
handle."
        "Right, Capt'n," Danielson replied.
        "Sarah-"
        "I know, I know: Get out of here.  Where

to?"

        Jim checked his map.  "Navpoint HOTSEAT. 

We'll 

have a chopper waiting for you.  Now get going."

I thought the military named their nav-points names
like 
"Alpha", "Bravo" and "Charlie".

        "Don't need to tell me twice."  Jim managed

to 

refrain from pointing out that this was the third 
retreat order he had given. Barely.
        "Where is she?" Jim exclaimed angrily.  They

group was at HOTSEAT, but there was no sign of

Sarah.  

She was not answering her radio, and Jim did not

know 

enough to try to do anything with his mind.

Gah... I think you need a scene transition here.

        "Sir, we have to go!" cried one of the 
helicopter crew.  Jim was the only person left who

had 

not boarded the chopper.  "Command says we have

Hydras 

inbound!  We have to leave now!"
        "We can't just leave her!" he argued.  "She 
could still-"
        [Jim!]
        He jumped and turned around.  Sarah?
        [Jim, help me!  I've been captured!]
        What happened?
        [I was too weak.]  Her fear and guilt was

like a 

wave washing through him.  [I couldn't stay cloaked.

They surrounded and overran me. I tried to stop them

but

there were too many!  What do I do?!  I don't want

to 

die!  They'll use me as biomass for their Hive, or 
they'll infest me and -]  The link was abruptly

severed.

Draw out this scene more. Build up the tension.

        Sarah?  Can you hear me?  Sarah!

        Invasion: T-7 years

        Tassadar stared at the bloated body of the 
Overmind.  It's evil form extended for miles in all 
directions, pulsating and flexing, as though trying

to 

escape the fate set for it.

"It's" -> "Its". "It's" is only used as a contraction
of 
"It Is".

        Tassadar began channelling the power of his 
people, both light and dark.  A feeling of peace

flowed 

through him.  He knew he would not survive this

strike. 

But in doing so, he would destroy one of the

greatest 

evils in the known galaxy.  The greatest Protoss

alive 

would destroy the most fearsome creature in

existence.

        The end was nigh.

        On the hot ash world of Char, the Queen of 
Blades awoke.

Dramatic music sting goes HERE.

End of Prologue

I liked it-- it fixed one of the major problems I had
with 
this fic-- the way it seemed that the StarCraft
backstory 
was intact, even though that story involved humans and

humans obviously had never met the Zerg before.

On the other hand, you still don't go into nearly
enough 
detail-- describe your scenes, man! Don't be afraid to

spend a paragraph describing the way sweat is beading
on 
Raynor's brow. If it builds atmosphere, it's all good.

Still, I like this fic, and I look forward to more.
The 
people DEMAND more of Zerg Queen Kasumi!

Please insert one session of C&C to continue. ^_^

Don't make me go fishing into the vend-slot with a
coat 
hanger.

Adam

-- Paul "Unseen" Durant

(By the way, tell your fanartist that Protoss don't
have 
mouths, and their legs bend backward. In the 
"Akane/Phoenix with a Zealot" pic, the Zealot has a
mouth 
and normal knees.)

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Send your FREE holiday greetings online!
http://greetings.yahoo.com
	     .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'