Mangatripper
By Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney
Episode 1
Vulcan eyebrows, Vulcan ears
That's what I dream of
No more sorrow no more tears
Can't you get be beamed up
Quite bizarre but still a dream
As I'm waiting for that beam
- Millencollin, "Vulcan Ears"
You might not believe what I'm about to tell you. I don't really
care. It might have all been a dream or a vision (yes I have seen
Escaflowne, thank you) or maybe I was just going crazy for a
little bit. I don't want to believe any of those things, though.
I want to believe that it really happened. Because it was so
real. Because it seemed like the first glimmer of hope in my
pathetic life.
Because she was there.
Aw crap. I'm getting ahead of myself here. My name is
Gabriel Collins - you might have seen my Excelion website. Maybe.
I really need to update it, but lately I haven't had the
motivation, because memories of... shall we say "the incident"
keep haunting me. I guess that's why I'm writing this - before it
slips out of my head, so I can try to work it all out on paper
and maybe, _maybe_ find my way again and figure out where to go
from here.
I'm 21 years old; I go to DeAnza College in Cupertino,
California. My major is Computer Science, but I've been taking
Japanese classes and such every chance I get. It wouldn't be any
exaggeration to say that I'm an otaku. Once glance into my
apartment (I live on my own and work as a shift lead at the local
video store. No Clerks references please.) would be enough to
confirm this; posters take up nearly every inch of wall space,
and a good amount of the ceiling too, and I have a ritual of
changing the wall scrolls on the windows around on the first of
the month. Then there's all the models, and so many DVDs that if
the shelf fell over you wouldn't find me for a week (my employee
discount doesn't mean much; I just spend way too much money on
anime). Hell, I even sleep with a UFO catcher doll of Kasumi from
Excelion.
Considering all that, it's no surprise that I went to
AnimeExpo this year. I saved up as much money as I could for the
few months in-between that and FanimeCon, and went on a road trip
with a few friends down to Long Beach.
It was the worst anime convention of my entire life.
The trip down to Long Beach was uneventful. In fact it was
excruciatingly boring. Adam and Ken got into a big argument over
what to listen to on the way, as though we didn't have time to
listen to everything everyone wanted too during the eight-hour
drive. Once that was over, though, things quickly went back to
"Boring As Hell" status, though for once I was able to put on the
Excelion Special Vocal Collection CD without getting any dirty
looks. Everyone else finds the theme song annoying, but I love
it.
We didn't stay at the Westin at all; instead we'd gotten a
room in a little motel a couple blocks away. The price was less
than half what it would be at the hotel, though there was no
cable. It was three guys and one girl, though Alice was for all
intents and purposes one of the guys, and her obsession with
Fushigi Yuugi rivaled mine for Excelion (though she had managed
to get her Miaka costume ready; I never even started on my
Katsuhito one).
As soon as we went to the pre-reg desk things started to go
down hill. Some things are meant to stay buried, and what
happened to me at Gunderson High School was one of them... I'm
getting ahead of myself again.
Six years can change a person a whole lot, but some things
always stay the same. I'm not the same guy I was in my freshman
year of high school, and yet I am. The face that I saw there
behind the registration desk, scarcely changed at all, was one
I'd hoped I would never see again in my entire life. Not many
people find someone like that at the age of fifteen, but I did.
His name was Jack Wallace. He'd cut his brown hair shorter
and spiked it with gel or something. He'd also acquired somewhat
more expensive tastes in clothes and did the cheesy yuppie thing
of hanging a pair of sunglasses on the front of his shirt collar.
I'm not a violent person at all, but seeing him again I had to
clench my fists at my sides before they started trying to find
someone to punch in the face. I was surrounded by my friends, and
they'd notice that something was up, so I forced myself to look
calm as best I could. It wasn't easy.
"You guys have got to see the masquerade, though," Ken was
saying. "Last year was just... _everything_!"
Adam nodded. "We'll have to find out about when to get
tickets. It'll only get bigger compared to last year."
I just nodded and didn't say anything. I was trying to
figure out where the line would take me, which spot along the row
of a dozen registration volunteers I would find myself at.
Hopefully far, far away from Jack. The line moved ever so slowly,
snaking its way around the tall, airy ballroom. There were too
many people, and it was like Fry's Electronics how each volunteer
called out that they were ready when they were done with the last
person they'd helped. He wasn't going any faster or slower than
the others.
I jumped when Alice elbowed me in the ribs. "I hear there's
actually lots of Excelion cosplayers around. Apparently you're
not the only one who likes that series. Are you okay?"
I rolled my eyes at her and nodded. "Fine."
"Well, it seems Excelion is kinda' like Utena," explained
Ken, "in that an abnormal percentage of the fan base likes to
cosplay."
If any of them thought that something was bothering me, they
didn't say anything about it. The line continued forward in slow,
fitful strides, the face that I hated ever so much moving ever
nearer. I needed to register if I wanted to go into the
convention, but then he was going to be here - but on the other
hand he'd be stuck at a registration desk for most of the
convention anyway. Besides, if I wanted to bail, there was
nowhere to go; I was over 400 miles from home on the 4th of July
weekend.
Finally, it got to where my friends were at the front of the
line and I was at the back of our foursome. Then Adam went. Then
Ken. That left me and Alice. My heart was racing and each second
seem to take an eternity to pass. Someone was getting into an
argument with a registration volunteer over something, and some
higher-ranking staffers were called over to deal with it.
Suddenly two volunteers raised their hands at once. One was
a girl in a DiGi Charat costume, the other was... Jack. Alice and
I began moving forward and I tried to angle towards Dejiko, but
suddenly Alice tripped and fell flat on her face. Thinking fast,
I started helping her up and nodded to the people behind us to go
on ahead.
"Thanks," she muttered, rubbing her ankle. "I'm off to a
great start this year..."
When we went to get our badges I tried very hard not to look
at Jack. If he did notice me, I didn't see it. Knowing that he
was not ten feet away was enough to make me feel sick. As we
emerged from registration into the hotel wearing our new con
badges I was able to relax a little. After all, this was what
we'd been planning for what seemed like an eternity - a weekend
at the biggest anime convention on the West Coast.
We found ourselves sitting in the line for the dealers' room
a full two hours before it actually opened. FanimeCon might be
smaller, but we didn't have to contend with lines like this
there. Adam had brought his new Game Boy Advance and wound up
playing F-Zero with another guy in line, and we all wound up
talking about the kinds of stuff we usually do to pass the time.
I was there with my backpack, but it was mostly empty apart from
a notebook and my Kasumi UFO catcher doll (I was loathe to allow
it to get too far from my person so far from home), the idea
being that it would be filled up pretty quickly once we got into
the dealers' room.
By the time the door was finally opened we'd been rained on
for the better part of an hour and of course no one was prepared
for it since we were, after all, in Anaheim at the height of
summer. Even it the rain, with clouds covering the sky, it was
warm and humid. I think maybe my relationships with my friends
are kind of superficial a lot of the time, but that didn't stop
me from temporarily forgetting all about Jack. I'd been trying to
forget for six years, so I've had lots of practice.
The dealers' room this year looked more like a trade show at
first, with Bandai and Pioneer assaulting those who entered with
huge projection screens showing their latest releases. Adam again
showed his pragmatic side and we all agreed to meet up at the
Bandai panel in two hours. His idea was a really good one, since
we almost immediately lost each other in the quickly growing
crowd.
I'd only had $140 in cash on hand after registration (I'd
meant to pre-register but procrastinated on it as usual), and it
went fast, leaving me to resort to my credit card. By the time I
came out I'd bought the two Excelion art books I'd been wanting,
a Rei Ayanami garage kit, the Excelion OAV DVD boxed set, the
first volume of the bilingual Love Hina manga, and a couple of
PlayStation games that were on sale for $10 apiece.
I got to the Bandai panel with my backpack weighing me down
a bit. The rest of the day was a blur of panels and watching
anime, plus a foray into the gaming room. Finally, at about 10:30
p.m., we headed back to our room and took turns showing off the
spoils of the dealers' room. Alice had at last acquired the
Fushigi Yuugi Seiryu DVD boxed set, plus a rare UFO catcher of
Tamahome (I'd heard about her fanfics about him, but never had
the guts to read them, considering). Adam had caught up on his
collection of Ruruoni Kenshin DVDs and picked up a really nice
wall scroll of Asuka (you don't want to know about our little Rei
Vs. Asuka debate - trust me). Ken, predictably, had gone nuts
with Gundam model kits, having even gotten the coveted Wing Zero
Custom.
It took almost four hours for us to finally get to sleep,
the last hour spent in giddy darkness. That was around when
thoughts of Jack began coming back to me. I... don't want to talk
about that yet. It'll come up soon, okay?
We were up bright and early to wait in line for tickets to
the masquerade. I didn't quite think of it as the highlight of
the entire convention as Ken did, but I still wanted to go. Once
again the margin of our earliness was two hours. This time I had
my art books to look at, and a manga to read, so time seemed to
be passing ever more quickly. That's when things took a turn for
the worst.
A powerful arm just yanked me out of line, with enough force
to snap the orange tape that sectioned off the line. I found the
biggest, meanest convention security guy I'd ever seen staring
right into my face. "Is this the guy?" he asked someone.
Adam suddenly put himself in between us. Adam's a pretty
imposing guy, and even though he was a good five inches shorter
than the opposition, he's got a lot of bulk on him - mostly
muscle though you wouldn't know it looking at him. "Who wants to
know?" asked Adam. He was calm - a whole hell of a lot more calm
than me. I was trembling, and it only got that much worse when I
realized who Mr. Security had been talking to.
Jack took off his sunglasses. His expression was unreadable,
just like back then... "That's him. Gabriel Collins. I'd
recognize him anywhere."
Adam spoke before I could say something that I might've
regretted. "That's Gabe all right, but if you wanna mess with my
friend you're gonna have to tell me why." I know Adam; he's
usually so calm and easygoing, but I never ever want to be the
one to get him mad.
"A friend of his?" Jack mused. "It's kind of surprising that
a scumbag like him could make any friends after what happened
back then."
"You're lying." I snarled. "Just like before."
"Uh huh. Tell it to the judge." He halted in mock surprise
and grinned in a way that made it that much harder to keep from
hitting him. "Oh wait! You did tell it to the judge, didn't you?
Not guilty because there was only circumstantial evidence, wasn't
it?"
I was aware of Alice and Ken behind me. The pounding of my
heart sounded like a drum in my ears. Apart from that, silence
reigned for a time.
The security guy was the first to speak. "So you want me to
kick him out like you said?"
Thinking back, I'm glad I keep my fingernails really short;
they would've drawn blood about then. Again, Adam's surprisingly
cool head prevailed. "If you want to pull shit like that you'd
better get the convention chair on that little radio of yours
right now."
Jack shook his head. "I don't think he has to answer to
someone like him."
Maybe Adam wasn't quite as calm as I'd believed, because the
next thing that happened was that Adam's fist grabbed Jack's
collar, nearly lifting him off the ground. "You keep going on
about whatever bullshit you couldn't prove in court. Just what
the fuck are you trying to avoid saying?"
"Your friend is a rapist."
My fist hit his face harder than I would've thought
possible. The next thing I knew I was pinned to the ground by the
security guard, my armed twisted around like I'd seen in so many
cop shows. It hurt like hell, but I was too hyped up on anger to
care at that point. Jack was laughing at me, the event center
security guys were coming running, and the line was still moving
though a lot of people were gawking at the spectacle that this
little "reunion" had become. Ken and Alice were yelling for me to
be let go, I think. Adam let go of Jack, giving just enough of a
push to make sure the jerk fell on his butt. Somewhere along the
line I passed out.
When I woke up, I was in our motel room. It was afternoon
already, and Alice was there, sitting on the other bed reading
some manga. "What happened?"
She gave a shuddering sigh and turned to face me. "It's not
true, is it? What that guy said?"
I shook my head, fear welling up inside me in a flood.
"No..."
"I didn't believe it for a second. None of us did."
I'm not sure, but I think I was crying. Without my
friends... I think my life literally wouldn't be worth living. It
had never really hit me until then.
"The good news is that that guy said he wouldn't press
charges and the convention guys decided not to kick us out. The
bad news is we won't be going to the masquerade."
There was a faint beep and the door opened. Adam and Ken
strode in. "Don't be so sure."
I didn't look up. I couldn't.
Ken produced some slips of paper from his pocket. "It seems
they were giving two tickets out per person. I met up with some
people I know from the internet and talked them into giving me
their extras. We hafta' get going soon though."
Alice stood up and took the tickets out of Ken's hand. "You
have another one, right?"
The room was silent for a while.
Ken solemnly shook his head. "I tried," he said slowly. "I
begged. But three was all I could get."
My friends looked at each other and at me.
Adam and Alice started to speak at the same time, but
somehow I found the capacity for speech again. "Go without me."
Alice, being the way she was, was going to get in my face.
She was already warming up. "No way. You can't sit here moping
all night by yourself! You need to go and have fun more than any
of us! Now get up!"
I shook my head. "Just go. I need some time to think.
_Please_."
Adam rested a hand on Alice's shoulder. "All right Gabe.
I've been there myself. But whatever you do just remember that
we're here for you."
"That's right." added Ken.
"If you change your mind," Alice said carefully, "come and
find us in line, okay?"
I held on until they were out of the room and halfway down
the stairs before the crying started in earnest. It wasn't what
had happened that day, but what had happened six years before.
I'd thought a dream was coming true, when in reality a nightmare
was beginning. The memories came back unbidden - they did that
every now and then, but never with such a wrenching, sickening
impact as they did on that night.
I was just starting high school at Gunderson as there was
this girl I kind of liked named Rebecca. I had no idea how to go
about things, and I found out that a sophomore named Jack was
interested in her too. Determined not to give up, I decided to
try talking to her anyway, and she actually talked to me and gave
me a chance. I trusted her completely, and that turned out to be
the biggest mistake of my life.
A few weeks later we were hanging out a lot, but then I
heard a rumor that she was seeing Jack in secret. I was planning
to meet her after school, and I'd resolved to ask her about it.
It was one of those things that I was sure I should do but I was
so afraid to...
I was holding my Kasumi doll close to me in the motel room.
When I saw Rebecca that day, she invited me to her house. I
forgot all about the questions on my mind and agreed to go. She
took me into her bedroom. You can imagine what was going to
happen. It was going to, until, barely dressed, she started
screaming and crying. I barely escaped from the house without
being beaten by her father. The next day I saw Rebecca and Jack
kissing and they laughed at me and the world turned into this
twisted wheel of pain. I had to stay home from school, and it all
became a big court case that went nowhere. I finally started
going to school again at Lincoln, which is where I met Adam, and
through him Ken and Alice and the rest.
I don't know for sure, but I think every serious anime fan
has a bit of an escapist in them. A little part of the self that,
deep down, wants more than anything to leave behind all the
banality and pain of the real world behind in favor of a shining
place. At that moment, watching a tear land on the forehead of my
Kasumi UFO catcher, that part of me didn't seem very small
anymore. I was so sure that Kasumi would understand, could make
everything all right. I grabbed my backpack, rammed my stuff into
it and, still clutching the Kasumi doll, stepped outside and
started walking, not caring in the least where I was going.
The night air was too warm and humid, but I kept walking.
The world seemed such a cruel and terrible place. That secret
desire to leave it all behind grew by the second. The world and
all the people in it seemed to have been put there to cause me
pain.
I didn't see the truck until it was too late.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney blackbird@blackbird.nu
Blackbird's Domain http://www.blackbird.nu/
The Official Thrash Home Page http://thrash.blackbird.nu/
Knight Kevlar of the Immortal Frog Silver Knight of Mihoshi
"Be nice to me; I might just develop
psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo!"
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