...in which siaru celebrates getting his domain-mail working by
doing some C&C, and in so doing demonstrates why it was a Good
Thing that he didn't C&C much before. But that's okay, because
he runs out of time halfway through.
On Fri, Dec 28, 2001 at 04:05:53PM -0600, Greg Housley wrote:
~the serpent's proposal~
A Ranma 1/2 fiction
by: Greg Housley
dis*claim \dis-'klAm\ vb : DENY (as in I -deny- any rights or ownership
to the characters or situations herein), DISAVOW (i.e. - I -disavow- any
responsibility for the creation of the material this piece of fiction is
based on)-- Dis*claim*er n : Ranma 1/2 is the sole creation of Rumiko
Takahashi and her creation is used/misused/abused without permission. The
rights of Ranma 1/2 belong to Mrs. Takahashi and Viz Video, of which I'm
intentionally infringing on. ~~~~ I'm poor, and extremely bored, also I'm a
big fan so don't sue me, else I may have to cause you bodily harm. Ahem
anyway.... Sorry I hate disclaimers...
<sigh> Now that she's finished drawing the Ranma-1/2 manga,
presumably Takahashi can kick back and read some of the fanfic
written about her creations without jeopardizing her own works.
I'm sure she'd be delighted with some of them, and intrigued by
some of the new ideas raised, and the extensions to her own thinking.
You never know; she might even be on this list under an alias.
I doubt she'd appreciate being mocked, however.
~the seprent's proposal~
serpent's
Chapter one: ~The Presence~
School had finally let out at Furinkan and Ranma couldn't help but
idly wonder, as he walked casually balanced atop the fence on his way home,
how he would spend this school break.
Akane walked just beneath him to the side, in her own quiet
thoughts, pointedly avoiding eye contact with Ranma whom in turn seemed to
Ranma, who in turn
be mimicking this gesture with minimal difficulties. She was still angry
'mimicking...difficulties' is stilted. that slows down the pace,
right when you're still working at getting the story moving.
there'll be time enough for more formal language, if you wish,
in scene-setting descriptive passages further along in the
story, trading on the momentum already built.
with him from his earlier comment that she should invent martial arts food
poisoning after trying repeatively to feed him some lunch she had prepared.
you might want to capitalize Martial Arts Food Poisoning to
highlight it as a potential discipline within the Art.
repetitively
or
repeatedly (preferred)
Of course her anger wasn't quite as bad as it had been after she had then
proceeded to give him a black eye. She could still see him, out of the
that sentence 'Of...eye' is difficult to parse in one scan.
Simplify it if you can, preferably by putting everything into
fewer tenses. 'proceeded to' is fun to say but it gums up the
works here.
corner of her eye, dabbing at the purple tender flesh that had swollen
around his eye. It almost caused her to smirk, though she forced herself to
'purple...eye' is a bit florid, and, again, parsing that slows
down the pace of the story. you might try being poetic-minimal
in description here rather than completist. this is one of
several places where that advice might apply.
be content with the smile she held on the inside for now.
Ranma for his part, was roused from his thoughts when he noticed a
repressed smile from Akane form under the mask of anger she was trying hard
to hold. It caused him to bite down on his lower lip. What an uncute tomboy
the business with the smile is a bit awkward, and perhaps
belabored. in programming terms, now that you've figured out the
algorithm you should refactor the code to make it tight. in
prosodic terms, -- now that you know what you want to say,
revisit how you want to say it.
she was, he thought. She actually seemed to enjoy the fact that she had hit
him. What in the world could cause someone to make deadly toxic food, and
then beat someone for not wanting to eat it, how stupid could she possibly
be? He sniffed loudly when he caught her eyes drift over to him again, and
drifting
if this is really what he thinks, he should leave at the
earliest opportunity; the relationship can ONLY get worse.
part of what beguiles about Ranma-1/2 is the persistent
discrepancy between what is said and what is meant, on both
sides. even in New Testament fanfics (those that admit to the
divine canonic inspiration of the anime as well as the manga),
what Ranma and Akane say about each other, and how they act
towards each other in the presence of witnesses, and what they
appear to think about each other, as demonstrated by how they
act when no one's around, or when the chips are down, are
largely at odds.
if this Ranma's thoughts are in accord with his actions, he
should already have plans underway to ditch all the pursuing
fiancees and rivals, and those should be revealed shortly. once
Ranma makes his mind up, he typically doesn't mess around IMO.
proceeded to hop down from the fence and without even a note of
ackowledgement proceeded to walk in the opposite direction.
acknowledgement
back towards the school?
Akane, slightly caught of guard, turned to watch him leave, her
off guard
forced mask of anger now a look of puzzlement. She almost called to him but
grew angry at the idea of letting him get to her. Let him do whatever he
wants, she thought bitterly.
As Ranma walked down the low traffic road he began to let his
thoughts drift, he couldn't remember the last time a rival had given him a
shiner and couldn't quite figure how it was that all his hard training
seemed to amount to nothing when Akane got angry. He could sense an attack
from Ryoga a mile away, but then again, Ryoga always seemed to annouce his
announce
attack with a loud....
"RANMA PREPARE TO DIE!!!"
Ranma blinked as his thought was finished for him, and turned in
time to see a charging locomotive heading his way at alarming speeds. Said
speeds, said
locomotive sporting a rather hefty bamboo umbrella and a set of weather
beaten olive colored travel clothes.
"What now Ryoga?" Ranma asked flatly having had this drill a
now, Ryoga
flatly, having
thousand times before.
"What now?" He asked incredilously as he began to throw a barrage
incredulously
of punches that Ranma easily blocked. "How dare you mock Akane!"
Ranma, realizing Ryoga's reference was to his earlier comment
about her cooking, felt his anger begin to surge. "For someone who's as
Here, your language is calm and complete when it should be
getting more terse and direct, not to the point of dissolving
into sentence fragments, but to the point of expressing things
in the fewest words. you're ramping up into a fight scene,
but the tone of your words is anything but excited. You are
thwarting your own efforts.
eternally lost as you are, how the hell is it that you always seem to know
what Akane and I are doing, P-chan?" He taunted.
"You shut up!" Ryoga roared. "I'd die if Akane tried to feed me
her homecooking!"
Ranma couldn't help but smile at this, "Hey you -do- understand!".
This interchange is cute by itself but seems out of context. I
don't understand why Ryoga would say such a thing in the prelude
of a fight. the man's a bully, seeking to justify his violence
in words by using Akane as an excuse. he would not be demeaning
anything of hers here, since that would denude him of his excuse
for aggression.
"You know what I mean!" Ryoga stopped his attack to square off
with Ranma in the park they had found in the midst of their battle. "For
'in...battle' looks like a tacked-on afterthought.
what you said to Akane, I'm gonna beat the hell out of you Ranma." He spoke
you, Ranma
cooly.
coolly
"Ryoga, how many times do I have to defeat you before ya realize
you can't win, hmmm?"
he's beaten him before (first practice with the Shishi Hokodan,
for instance) ...it's just that Ranma doesn't STAY beaten.
"I won't lose."
"We'll see won't we?"
see, won't
"DIE!!!" Ryoga cried out as he bounded at full speed at Ranma,
dipped down just beneath him, and sent out an explosion of rubble with his
breaking point. Ranma leaped up only a fraction sooner than the blast and
either Ryoga dropped his pants for this, or you should
capitalize Breaking Point.
rebounded off a nearby oak tree sending several furious punches into Ryoga's
chest with his chestnut fist. Ryoga rolled onto his back using his legs to
...only several? again, capitalize the specific name, otherwise
it takes two scans to parse the line.
kick Ranma into the air. Leaping back to his feet, he managed to meet Ranma
where he land and attempted to punch him in the face. Ranma swept under the
he landed
punch and rotated his leg sweeping Ryoga's feet out from underneath him.
Using the momentum of the sweep, Ryoga pulled his arms and legs in tight and
rolled backwards in the air initiating a perfect backflip. Ranma, wasting no
air, initiating
time hurled into Ryoga with a flurry of punches and kicks forcing Ryoga to
time, hurled
this is a misuse of hurl. you hurl _something_. the hurler is
not the hurlee.
kicks, forcing
take the defensive as he staggered backwards from the onslaught. Finally
Ranma managed to back Ryoga into a tree but he didn't count on him acting so
tree, but
quickly and payed for it with a severe blow to the gut. Leaping backward
and paid for
with several backflips Ranma came to a silent stand off against Ryoga as
'backward...backflips' is repetitive and thus weak.
each measured his opponent in hopes for an opening. Ranma began to feel his
arm hairs prick up as Ryoga's ki level began to soar.
Not to be outdone, Ranma let his own level of ki rise to match
Ryoga's.
"SHI SHI HOKODAN!" Ryoga let out the violent battle cry as his ki
manifested itself in a blue ball of consentrated energy and shot out a
Ranma.
It is fanon if not canon that the Shishi Hokodan's radiance is
green. pus-green, apparently. or jello, which for some is just
as repulsive.
concentrated
shot out at Ranma
"MOKO TAKABISHA!" Ranma counter-attacked with his confidence ki
attack, each ball of energy meeting mid-way. Not good enough, Ranma thought
midway
as he watched Ryoga's ki attack plow through his own, Ryoga's depression is
greater than my confidence. The blow passed just over Ranma's shoulder as he
side-stepped it swiftly. But the dodge was short lived as one after another
sidestepped
short-lived
began to fire from Ryoga's out-stretched hands. Ranma found himslef engaged
outstretched
in a rather twisted version of dodge ball as each ki blast narrowly missed
him.
'dodge..shortlived' is awkward, seemingly compacting two
thoughts together, doing neither much good.
one *what* after another?
perhaps you can find a better parallel than dodgeball, one
which doesn't momentarily snap the context from martial-arts
violence to academic athletics.
Changing tactics Ranma began to leap through the trees to find
tactics,
more certain ground. Ryoga gave a close chase by ground as he played target
practice with Ranma's agile form. Finding a nice clearing Ranma jumped down
clearing,
from the trees and back onto the ground only to have to dodge three more ki
ground,
attackes.
attacks
"Ryoga DAMMIT!!!" He yelled in frustration. "KNOCK IT OFF WILL
YA?!!"
Ryoga,
OFF,
"Whats the matter Ranma, am I too much for you?"
"Why you!!!" Ranma found just enough time to bring his confidence
up another notch and began to swiftly meet each of Ryoga's ki balls with his
own canceling each one out. Ryoga sensing the defeat in this tactic, halted
own,
Ryoga, sensing
his attack and felt his depression sink lower as he geared up for his next
one. Ranma could feel the hair on the back of his neck now as he watched
Ryoga surround himself with a menacing blue glow. "Oh shit..." Was all the
thought Ranma had time for, before a gigantic heavy blue ki lashed upward
before gigantic
into the sky from Ryoga. The pressure from all about Ranma began to increase
to agonizing amounts as the ki attack began to peak, and out of a fit of
desperation he had an idea surface.
"Hyru shoten ha revised, shi shi hokodan dragon repel wave!"
Ranma sent a chilled upward punch into the heavy laden ki, forcing
the ki to disperse into a depression ki tornado. Ranma bounded back in time
to see the highly pressurized ki twister sweep Ryoga up and begin to crush
him from all sides. Ryoga let out a startled yell as he felt his body being
crushed to death.
Hmm, would this work on a Ryoga who properly practiced the
Shishi Hokodan Perfect? To survive his own blow he has to make
himself ki-transparent. If he is still in the 'dead-will' state,
he shouldn't be grabbed too readily by the twister, should he?
Ranma stared in horror at the results of his counter-attack, and
hurriedly tried to think of a way to quickly save Ryoga.
"Nice ki wave you got there Ranma." He heard a familiar voice
comment flatly. Ranma shot an evil look at the panty looting old freak
panty-looting
...your prose, in using this description of Happosai, is
discarding its appearance of nonbias. if this story is told
specifically from Ranma's point of view, you should have been
more explicit about that, and shouldn't have disclosed anything
in Akane's mind, since Ranma's POV has no way of knowing any of
that. I am sure that, if the story were written from Happosai's
POV, even the word 'old' here would be contested.
Happosai, as he stared from Ranma's side at the crushing tornado rampaging
'from...side' could be worded better.
sounds like Happi peeked out of Ranma's blouse...
through the central most part of the park. Trees began to uproot themselves
'central most part' -> center
are the trees uprooting themselves so as to run away from the
twister?
as the tornado began to build momentum, and suddenly Ranma figured it out.
the tornado has already begun to build momentum, now it is
building momentum. the beginning is already over. in fact, if it
is rampaging, it has already built momentum and is now using it.
Quickly snatching the old man's panty loot Ranma tossed it as hard as he
could into the crushing blue ki twister. "HEY WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU"RE
how much of this tornado is ki, and how much of it is air
being manipulated by means of the ki?
DOING!!!" The old man screamed as he ran at amazing speeds into the tornado.
Ranma spotted Ryoga again at the center, unconscious. At least he
hoped. And noticed as the bundle he had thrown began to unravel and scatter
panties in all directions. He could see Happosai swimming up in the
depression wave trying in vain to collect all of his scattered loot as it
was tossed all about, and could vividly see it knock nearly everything out
of the old master that he could manage to maintain. He could also see that
the old freak was getting severely pissed.
"RANMA I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" He screamed out above the loud
thundering of the twister. A large Ki built from anger and perversion, Ranma
a large *what* of ki?
could only suppose, began to eminate from the old man as he began to press
it out against the inside of the ki wave. It seemed to be working for a
short while but then closely pushed back in on Happosai. "DAMMIT!!!" The old
man screamed as the wave of anger burst out of him causing a blinding light
of counter ki to suck all the surrounding light available from the area.
Ranma shielded his eyes for the second it blew out like an explosion and
then everything was instantly calm again. Ranma saw Ryoga's body seem to
hover for a millisecond and then to fall lifelessly to the ground. Before it
you're trying to be precise here, but a millisecond event is
perceptible only as a shading of another event. we can generally
only see/hear discrete events up to about 20 Hz, which has a
cycle-time period of 50 ms; higher than that in frequency, or
lower in period, and we perceive repetitive events as continuous
tones, and repetitive pictures as movies.
if the forces of wind were pushed the right way, Ryoga could
have a hang-time of several seconds or more, before he slid off
of the pressure-peak and fell.
could reach though, he caught Ryoga in his arms during mid-fall and set him
gently to the ground.
"Ryoga?" he gently nudged him. "Ryoga?" he tried again with a
little more emphasis. Still nothing. He bent down cautiously with an ear to
Ryoga's face, scared of what he might find, and let a sigh of relief as he
felt breath tickle gently at his ear hairs. Carefully scooping Ryoga up into
his arms he turned to leave and caught sight of a still conscious Happosai
seemingly stunned but none for the worse. Stupid old man, he thought, but
couldn't help but think how fortunate it was that he had been there.
Something's outa whack here. If Ranma has nearly a bellyful of
Akane's abusive behavior, I can't see him being any less pissed
at Ryoga for his abuses... not unless he's in love with Ryoga
and willing to put up with just about anything from him. That's
not how the Koi Rod incident ended, and I don't see any clues
that that kind of attitude is at work here.
Ryoga was barely countered as he tried to *kill* Ranma, and
Ranma knows it. What stopped him was a redirection of his own
weaponry back onto himself. Maybe he doesn't deserve to be
parked in a plate-iron cage with foot-deep running cold water
forever for what he's just done, but he doesn't deserve the
tender caring he's getting here either.
Still, he decided to leave the old man where he was, he was pretty
sure, despite his martial arts abilities, he didn't want to be anywhere near
the old man when he shook off his daze.
if the panties are anywhere in sight, he'll be busy for a while.
With only a moments more thought on the situation he decided to
moment's
continue towards his originally intended destination. He shifted Ryoga onto
his back and carried him piggy-back style, Ranma couldn't help but snicker
at the pun, to Dr. Tofu's clinic.
The journey in turn wasn't long and went without any other further
interruptions. He reached Dr. Tofu's at a quarter to five and was greeted by
that first sentence is superfluous.
unless you have a reason for watching the clock like that, and
persistence from here on until its punchline in reminding us
that you're watching it, don't.
a rather surprised Tofu. "Ranma how are you doing, it's been a while! Whoa
Ranma,
Whoa,
that's a nice shiner you have there." Ranma flushed with renewed anger
anger,
having completely forgotten about the black eye.
"Yeah well thats part of the reason I'm over here doc."
Yeah, well,
here, doc
"Oh? You and Akane been fighting again Ranma, or was it with that
boy you have draped over your back?"
"well it's a little of both actually. I came to get the eye
Well,
both,
him a beatin'.
('em' is customarily a contraction of 'them', which doesn't fit.)
examined but this idiot jumped me and I was forced to give em a beatin. Ya
give both of us a look?"
"Sure, set him over here on the examining table." Tofu instructed
and Ranma was quick to comply. It wasn't long before Tofu had Ryoga down to
a pair of boxers and was giving him a thorough examination. "This is amazing
amazing,
Ranma, I've never seen anything like it before!" Tofu declared. "It's simply
horrible where did you learn a technique like this?"
horrible; where
or
horrible. Where
"It was actually more spontaneous, than anything else," said
Ranma. "Ryoga had me trapped under a massive ki technique of his and I well-
his, and I, well,
(stretch it out as you see fit with ellipses instead of commas,
if you're up to battling the Guardians Of The Holy Dots over the
usage.)
I sorta ripped it apart with my Hryu Shoten Ha."
"Hryu Shoten Ha, Ranma? You've mastered that technique?"
that's not how it's spelled. I looked at my inbox: Brian already
clued you on it.
"Well- yeah, I mean, I had to, it's sorta a long story."
"Well you weren't kidding when you said you ripped his ki apart.
It's torn all the way to his natural aura."
"Natural aura?"
"Well yes, everyone has one if you simply know how to look. It's
really sort of like a magnetic field our body puts out except it's ki. For
instance, when you, Ranma, raise your ki level so high that it becomes
tangible, you in affect simply raise the ki level that already surrounds
your body to such a magnitude that it can even be detected by the untrained
eye. Ki doesn't just seep out of you, it's always around you. And Ryoga's
here is damaged."
I'm having a hard time with this explanation.
There are others in this world and on this list who probably
know far more than me about the interactions of ki, magic(k),
and the mind, soul and body, and how the pathways known as the
Kundalini fit into this, but from my studies I would guess that
either his chakras are stunned, a temporary thing, or he's been
cursed by having another's (Ranma's) will forcibly impressed on
his (temporary after you persuade the inflictor to stop or short
them out, and then repair the breakin)... or his soul is either
shredded or severed, both of which people have a propensity to
not ever wake up from, because they're no longer really people.
if you've got some expertise from which this 'damaged ki'
description arises, I'd like to hear about it, because if so I'm
going to learn something.
if not, then your description has already raised the hackles of
one wannabe-otaku, so it could use some more design work.
"Damaged?" Ranma gasped horrified by the prospect.
"Yes precisely. And you've somehow managed to inflict multiple
bruises all over his body."
they do that all the time. perhaps it's significant that the
injured areas haven't been ki-regenerated yet, but...
"Now, about you, have a seat over here." Ranma obediently seated
himself at the indicated table and Tofu began to feel up his torso and
abdomen area. "You have an incredible resilience." He commented as he felt
through the more painful areas of where Ryoga had managed to get in a few
good blows, "Though not as good as his I might add." He seemed so involved
his,
in his examination the idle chat almost seemed completely seperate from his
examination,
or
examination that
line of thought. "Had it been you in that repelling blast of yours I'm not
so sure that you would have faired quite so well." Ranma shuddered at the
fared
thought. "You seem to be alright enough, Ranma, I'd just suggest that you
get some ice on that black eye of yours and take it easy for the rest of the
evening.
end-quote
The trip back proved to be rather peaceful, with the sun just
starting to sink below the horizon and the sky begining to come ablaze in
colors of reds oranges, and pinks. It all felt nice for a change, no
problems no worry's save the baka draped across his back. Ranma simply took
problems, no worries,
his time enjoying the moment, trying hard not to think about Akane and how
she was sure to react when she saw Ryoga unconscious. It was bad enough that
she was still mad about his earlier comment on her food, he didn't need her
hastling him on Ryoga as well. It was -his- fault after-all, not Ranma's.
hassling
Stupid senseless baka!
the use of 'baka' is noticeable but i'm accepting it since
fanfic tends to be an otaku-to-otaku medium, within the culture
of which the word is understood, and since the accompanying
language makes it almost explicit that we are hearing Ranma's
thoughts rather than neutral narrative.
It wasn't till half-way home when he finally sensed it. He wasn't
'when' -> 'that'
sure -what- he sensed, just... it. He came to a stop on the sidewalk and
use _underbars_ or /slashes/ to indicate italics here; both are
widely used and decoders have been written to translate them to
<I></I> tags in HTML. (*asterisks* tend to be used for <B></B> bold
tags.) Those dashes will remain dashes, or expand to em-dashes,
and I'm sure from the context that you didn't mean that, since
you're not using the word 'what' as a parenthetic expression.
shifted Ryoga on his back. The wind began to pick up and whip about his hair
and brushed against his clothing. He waited for several moments to pass by
but still nothing seemed to change. Sharply, he began to cast furtive
I'm not sure what you intend with 'sharply' here. you need to
reword this, since your intent didn't come through.
glances about himself in hopes of catching sight of what it was his
subconscious was alerting him to, but still, nothing.
Slowly, steadily, he began to resume his walk home gingerly
home,
picking up his pace every few steps. The thing that stood just beyond his
wall of senses began to match his pace just as he was sure it would.
pace,
He tried hard to get a fix on it but was interupted by a passing
van as it splashed water from a puddle in the road onto him and his charge.
His stalker momentarily forgotten Ranma began to curse under her breathe as
forgotten,
breath
she turned around to snatch up the fallen piglet from the sidewalk. "Aww
geez, now what?" she groaned as she held the piglet out at arms length. "I
can't take you home like this! If I bring Akane's precious -P-chan-"
italic encoding again...
Ranma-chan spat the name bitterly. "home like this, she'll kill me for
sure!" She let a defeated sigh escape her lips when she suddenly remembered
her follower. It was gone!
She looked about again as futiley as she had before but still no
futilely
..that's how it's spelled, but your use here is awkward.
sign of it, not even the subconscious warning she had goten before. "Aw
gotten
dammit!" She swore, "Why the hell did that van have to go and do that
she swore
anyway?! Geez," She sighed. "Well lets get you back to normal then." She
normal,
for what you seem to intend:
she sighed.
...but that make for a rather long statement to be containing
alternating direct-quote and narrative. I'd suggest removing
"She swore," as superfluous.
said to the unconscious piglet dangling from her fingers at her side.
It was fortunate that Uc-chan's was on the way home, she mused. It
otherwise would have been a little harder a task to find some warm water.
After passing several more blocks she finally came to the
okanomiyaki shop her friend owned and slipped in the front door with a
friendly (yet sheepish) grin to her close best friend. Ukyo was busy taking
the parentheses start the reader expecting more of them. you
could just as easily get rid of them, simplifying the sentence,
as:
friendly but sheepish
'close best friend' is basically redundant; choose one.
orders from her regulars, and took a moment to notice Ranma-chan's abrupt
visit. Her eyes widened with excitement.
"Ranma-honey, You came by to see me?" She beamed at him from over
her counter.
"Er well, actually I just stopped in to see if I could get some
hot water, I uh don't really have time to visit, I'm pretty beat." It was
easy to see Ukyo's excitement deflate but she simply shrugged.
"Sure Sugar, I was just warming some up in the back for my
Sure,
cooking, you can have that if you want, though theres not much. I'm a little
there's
busy myself so you'll have to get it yourself."
"Uh yeah sure, thanks Ukyo!"
Uh, yeah, sure, thanks,
"No prob Ran-chan!" She flashed a smile.
prob,
"I'll just let myself out the back when I'm through." Ranma-chan
offered as she passed behind Ukyo's counter into the back room.
A small kettle sat warming on Ukyo's stove and Ranma picked it up
to examine it. "Looks like theres only enough for you." She said as she
there's
raised the pig up to eye level and let it dangle in front of her face.
Without another word Ranma placed the piglet on the counter and
dumped the kettle's contents ontop of it. As expected the form instantly
onto
or
on top
expected,
changed back into a man, and Ranma quickly reclothed him. A few short
seconds later she had him scoopped up over her back again and resumed her
scooped
..is that really the appropriate word?
trip home.
It was dark when she finally reached the Tendo's and pulled open
the front door. "I'm home!" She announced as she slipped off her shoes and
began to haul the cumbersome lost boy up the stairs.
"Welcome home Ranma," Kasumi beamed as she greeted him from the
entrance foyar. "Oh is that Ryoga, Ranma?" She questioned.
home,
foyer
...she was waiting in the genkan?
Ranma?" she
"Yeah, he's gonna be staying here a while if you guy's don't
guys (no apostrophe)
mind."
"Not at all Ranma, we'd love to have him over. Dinner will be
all,
ready in a few minutes."
"Thanks Kasumi."
Once Ranma reached her room she found an extra futon and layed it
laid
out to set Ryoga down on. She produced the small vile that Dr. Tofu had
vial
givin her and twisted the cap off. Careful not to suck up too much medicine
with the dropper Ranma gently pulled open Ryogas mouth and counted two drops
Ryoga's
before she screwed the cap back on and repocketed it.
"No, too powerful, it's....too powerful!" Ryoga moaned from out of
his slumber. Ranma stood up and turned out the lights as she walked out and
shut the door behind her. She felt pretty bad about the whole mess, but
wasn't sure how to make of things yet.
that needs work. looks like a confusion of 'what to make of things'
and 'how to set things right'.
Akane brushed by her with her nose in the air and sharply took
'took' is not the right word.
down the stairs to the first floor. "Aww geez, she's -still- angry? Man,
you'd think she'd be over it by now."
"Dinners ready!" Kasumi called. Ranma's ears perked up at this,
Dinner's
this; she
or
this. She
she hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast due to Akane trying to force
breakfast,
her homemade toxin down her throat all lunch period. Quickly she bounded
down the stairs and into the dining room to take her seat at the table.
Everyone save Kasumi and Akane was already seated and anxiously
were already
awaiting their evening meal when both Akane and Kasumi appeared from the
kitchen each holding a plate of food.
Ranma-chan felt her eye twitch. "Did she---," She couldn't
complete the thought.
"Kas-umi," Soun stuttered. "A-kane didn't help with dinner, --did
she?"
"Yep!" Akane beamed, and then cast a look at Ranma that suggested
she keep her thoughts to herself.
"I just remembered Soatome, that fried rice we ate not half an
remembered, Saotome,
hour ago."
"You're right Tendo, how could we be so foolish to -fill ourselves
right,
up- so soon before your two wonderful daughters brought out such delicious
italic encoding
looking dishes they must have worked so hard on." The two men gave sheepish
apologetic laughs at each other.
"Hardly worked on, you mean," Ranma-chan commented flaty.
"Ranma!.." Akane threatened.
"What Akane, have -you- actually -tried- it? Can you tell me for
italic encoding
sure that if I eat this I'm not going to be sick in bed for the next day?"
"Well, I mean-" Akane began unsure.
"That's what I thought." Ranma said triumphantly.
"If you want me to try it Ranma I'll try it!" Akane challenged.
it, Ranma,
"Fine let's see ya."
Fine,
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
Akane reached for the nearest bowl of cury and eased a little to
curry
her lips. Everyone gathered, held their breath in anticipation as they
waited for Akane to take the first bite. A dog in the distance barked at
what was anyones guess. As Akane's lip parted everyone gathered seemed to
anyone's
...so Nerima is infested with telepathic dogs?
breathe in as one. And then she ate it... The entire house seemed to grow
quiet as they awaited her reation... And then.... They had it. Akane began
reaction
to choke.
"Quick someone get Akane some water!" Someone shouted.
"you see what I mean, Akane?" Ranma asked.
"If- if I'm such a bad cook Ranma!" She began to scream out as her
throat cleared. "Then why don't you go and marry one of your other fiances,
at least -they- can cook." She shouted as she began to cry. She quickly
turned and bolted from the dinning room and up the stairs.
"Akane!" Ranma called after her. "Dammit, why does she have to
take everything so personal?!!"
"RANMA!" The floating demons head of Soun Tendo appeared before
demon's
Ranma in all it's menace. "Now look what you've done!"
its
"Hey knock it off!" Ranma shouted up at the demon's head. "Akane!"
Hey,
She called after as she ran up the stairs in pursuit.
she
"Oh my." Was all Kasumi could say as she watched the turmoil
was
unfold before her.
Akane raced up the stairs and headed down the hallway towards her
room. Why was she crying, she wondered. Why did Ranma always make her cry.
"AHHH No NOOOO!" A scream came from Ranma's room as she swept past
the door. She came to a quick halt and poked her head through the cracked
opening. "It's crushing me!"
It was Ryoga she noticed. When did he get here, she wondered.
Quietly she opened the door and approached the restless figure. "Ahh it's
too strong. I can't move!"
"Ryoga!" Akane called as she gently shook him. "Ryoga wake up!
What's wrong?!"
"It's.... It's you." He said finally and then seemed to grow
peaceful again.
A shadow blocked the light from the hallway as Ranma came to stand
and look in on the two.
"What's wrong with him Ranma?" She asked quietly.
"Well we kinda got into a fight after I left you earlier today. Doc
Tofu says he'll be alright, he just needs to take it easy for a while.
"You beat up on him you mean." Akane spat.
him,
"Hey it wasn't like that!"
Hey,
"Sure it wasn't."
"Hey, he was the one that attacked me!"
"Ranma, why can't you just admit when you hurt people?"
"Akane I..."
"No don't, I don't want to hear it." Akane brushed past Ranma as
she continued on her way to her room.
"But I..." Ranma began.
"What- what's happening? It's huge!" Ryoga moaned.
Ranma sighed, maybe I just need to clear my thoughts.
the transition from narrative to inner monologue is too abrupt.
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