Thermopyle wrote:

There was something -- a sharp pain? -- or was that... He was too
confused to tell for certain, mired as he was in the thick miasma of
confused images.

 I didn't really get this... Why did Keitaro feel pain?  The blood seems to
be from Kitsune losing her virginity (that's the only source I can think
of), so what was the pain all about?  Unless she was really, really tight or
something...

    Well. That could be it.

    It could also be that he was so delerious, he wasn't sure if it was pleasure or pain.

    Which he was! He didn't even remember it later...

Anyway, this looks rather good.  I didn't notice any spelling or grammar
errors (I wasn't looking too closely, I admit, but such things usually stand
out for me), the formatting seems fine... I think you could do with a bit
more indecision on Keitaro's part, having him thinking about what he should
do, rather than him simply deciding to stay behind and help Kitsune.  It's
too sudden, and we know that he wanted to go, so while his quick decision
does show some hidden feelings for Kitsune, it's also hard to believe... It
would be better to have him convince himself that it's his duty as
kanrinrin(sp?) to help her, and that leaving for America would be betraying
his grandmother's trust in him, as well as the trust the girls have in him
that he will maintain his position to the best of his abilities.

    Hmm... I guess you're right. I should probably rewrite the Keitaro scene with Seta and have him explain it better. Spent too much time on Mitsune-chan!

Of course, the fact that you don't show any of the stuff about his decision
from his POV means that you can't just stick it in without adding a scene
or changing a scene to his POV.  If you plan on having this when you do
a scene from Keitaro's POV in the next chapter, as he thinks about the
reasons for his actions, that'd be fine, but I really think you need to show
his thoughts about this at some point.

    Maybe I could do that for the start of chapter two instead of re-writing -- a Keitaro-centric chapter! Thanks for the idea!

 So, having said, that, I look forward to reading the next chapter! :)

    Wai! Glad you liked it! =^_^=

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