The time is 2:30 A.M. In a place known by many but
understood by few, a single solitary figure kneels

[Tense confusion]

//There's a lot of traffic in the air at this time of
night, // the voice on the other explained her recent

[other end]


//From what I was able to get from the comm. tap the
big boss is at some kind of meeting with the S.D.F.
Most likely they�re prepping for his arrival. // Her
partner on the other end explained in detail.

[So her partner says more than just that?]

distant sound. "Oh...and be careful Ryoga." She added
at a quieter tone before clearing the line.

//Aren't I always? // You could almost hear the smile
coming upon her face.

[So, Ryoga's female?  Also there should be a comma after
"careful"]

Ranma sank into a kneeling position; so far the
guardsmen stationed upon the roof that encompassed her
watch zone had not made any effort in the realm of
counter surveillance. Their mistake.

[counter-surveillance]

"Zoom-magnify 40x. Quad 32 x 17" Her left eye glowed
with an unearthly energy. The feint sounds of

[So she has cyborg parts built by aliens?  "faint"]

integrated cybernetic technology working there future
magic whispered into her trained ears. A targeting

[their]

"And who might you be I wonder..." Ranma murmured to
herself as her interest skyrocketed at this new
development.

[Should be stated more clearly that the arrivals are not
who Ranma was expecting.]

of the two. She watched the woman's majestic eyes,
they were a deep liquid black and they seemed to swirl

[Ranma can't see that.  For her, everything is tinted green,
or so you stated earlier.]

"Who's she talking too?" Ranma wondered aloud, his
inquisitive nature was of experience in the field and
not that of a typical nosy teenager. "Spectrum: Radio.

[Gender confusion.  Understandable, but you have been
calling Ranma "she" up until this point, and nothing
has changed to justify a change in pronoun.  "talking to"
Comma splice.  Start a new sentence with "His inquisitive..."
Or better yet, delete it.  At least rewrite it into something
less clumsy like "Her curiousity was that of an experienced 
professional, not the nosy teenager she almost appeared to be.]

/....is being loaded into the mainframe as we speak
father. However we have yet to discern how security
was breached, but I have my suspicions.// Ranma was

[Delete "However".]

//You may not five seconds if I'm listening right. //
Ranma's voice blared into her ear at the same time.

[That doesn't make sense.]

"I don't know who your talking to but if I heard right
you just implied that your actually going to escape.

[you're]

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