noirchloe wrote:

----- Original Message -----
From: "Brian Randall" <brian@azurite.org>

noirchloe wrote:

Whoops. Is that a formatting error? Looks like an extra newline, and
then a missing one...

KP: I'll need to check the original file.... Won't bore with the details of
the little quirks with Wordperfect9 on my computer and converting to and
from text>_<

    It happens. A lot. :p

I thought that Vash had gold hair, and Knives had platinum?

KP:  I thought they were identical when younger,  hmm... now I need to check
those episodes again, thanks Brian. =p

    I could be missremembering...

Naming him in such a manner is a little confusing. Perhaps, 'the one
boy said to the other', and then in the next paragraph, 'Knives' can
be used in the prose since this is (I presume) from Ukyou's PoV and
she just learned his name. As it's presented, though, it's a tad
awkward...

... though that's entirely my opinion, and you can freely ignore me. :)

KP:  I never ignore! I.. ah.. I... Disagree and assume an unfounded stance
of superiority :p

    ...

    Right.

KP: For as long as I remember I've always used two spaces after a sentence
ends, quotes or not. But when a quote leads into prose I used one since it's
not the end of a sentence.  Not claiming it's correct, it's just the
convention I've used.

    I've heard that the way you write is the correct convention.

    Even though they don't use it in most publications. I assume it's something to do with the cost of printing, which doesn't really apply here...

KP:  Yup, you're right.  since I screwed up the capitalization my eyes told
my brain two-spaces.

    I've made worse mistakes. :p

Ack... There are three boys here. Which one is 'the other boy', since
you've already used that label for Knives? (Or was that Vash?)

KP:  I see the difficulty.  Ranma, is the 'new' boy. who she yelled at in
the precedeing paragraph.
KP:  How does "She looked at Ranma as he swiftly closed the distance between
them..." work for you.

    That works.

The, er... spectacle's already unfolded, as it were. :p

KP:  >_<;;

    Hehehehe...

Perhaps 'Ukyou's father'?

KP:  Is all for better clarity.

    There's a fine line between clarity and repetition. -_-

    I'm almost wishing that Makoto and Tomoko refered to their parents by first name just for clarity. >_<

Also, this is something that Ranma would overhear, isn't it? Or does he
just assume that Vash is wrong?

KP:  Ranma's eating*_*.  So his full attention is not on what's going on.
Also they broke up into small groups, Ranma and the dads discussing things
with Knives.

    Ah, the Saotome appetite. :p

that he felt.
PoV shift here?

KP:  I don't believe I ever established a PoV until this point.

    Right, you shift from neutral to Genma (only useful for going uphill) which is a little jarring. :p

Eh... if they've got money, why exactly are they fighting for food?

KP:  I trust that ws answered adequaltely below.^_^

    Very.

Ah... poor Kuonji-san.

KP:  Poor anyone who meets up with them.

    Yeah, that's true enough.

"But why are we taking his cart, pops?"  Ranma asked.

pops -- Pops

And why haven't Vash or Knives corrected Ranma's misassement?

KP;  Going by the Anime author's convention of never revealing information
off-screne when an attempt at humor can be made on-screen. :)

    Nothing wrong with that.

Who is speaking that last line? In order of speakers, it's Ukyou, and she
doesn't adress herself in the third person, does she?
Actually, scratch that, many children do, but I don't think she is in
_this_ fic.

KP: Knives was speaking, I tried to avoid a "Knives sneered" tag by having
Ranma reply to him by name in the next line.
KP Goes to add tag.

    Heh... okay. :p

"Yeah.  My dad told me."  Her earlier anger missing.

I assume the fragment is intentional?

KP:  Unintentionally intentional.

    ...

Interesting...

Glad it interested you.  And thanks for the comments.  Later.

    Any time.

    And more below, to avoid spamming the list undully.

noirchloe wrote:

The fine art of information gathering.

KP:  It is a fine art.

    Much like manipulation, or... the study of people.

Uh... that paragraph is a bit awkward. Not sure what to suggest,

though.

KP How does this sound to you?

"It was still early, just past seven and the bar wasn't very

crowded, only

eleven people were present, including the bartender.

The actual bar looked battered, with huge gashes along the face

of it and a

very soiled table cloth covering the top of it.  "

    I'd recomend dropping the trailing 'it', but otherwise I think that's much better.

suggest: ... in little better shape than the bar itself.

KP:  Trying:  In slightly better shape than the bar itself.

    Good call.

'child woman'?

KP: how about 'little girl'

    That works.

....

Right.

KP:  Gomen.

    Hey, it fits the story (I think) though it's a little confusing to try and reconcile Ukyou to Rem.

'face-up'? 'Palm up', you mean?

KP:  YES!  I just couldn't come up with the damn word, I new

there was a better one!  Thanks.

    Er... I thought my suggestion was kinda clumsy, really. ^_^;;

How did he save them?

KP:  He kept them from going with those really creepy guys that

were going

to take them to the slave auctions.

    Yeah, he explained that (though not very well) later.

Kyoto's a goodly distance from Tokyo.

KP:  Mentioned Kyoto because of it's perceived importance as

Japan's onl

capital.  Or my understanding of it's importance to whoever wants

to rule

Japan, which Usagi does.

    Fair enough, though Edo (Tokyo) was the older government seat... Watch Kenshin, learn more. Kinda. Er. I'll be quiet now.

mostly swords, and flails, a few guns were visible as well.

Final comma, perhaps should be trailed with a 'though'?

KP:  I like that.

    Seems to be lacking an article, or some such (what's the word I'm looking for...) that just helped it flow a little more smoothly. I think.

disturbing the sanctity of royal coupling."

...

KP:  It was meant to be funny. ^_^

    It's a little surprising given the tone of the rest of the fic. :p

...

For someone so hardened, that's pretty dense.

KP:  Some people are hardened in certain aspects while other

parts remain

underdeveloped.

    So Ranma falls short on that issue, eh?

Saturn can't do anything?

KP:  The author feels that Saturns healing ability wouldn't

remove the

bullets in them.  He could be wrong, and has been on numerous

occasions.

    USAGI: Hotaru... where are Makoto and Ami?

    HOTARU: They had bullets in them, so I tried to heal them, but I needed to get the bullets out first...

    USAGI: So what did you do?

    HOTARU: I used a Silence Glaive Surprise on the bullets.

    USAGI: Did that work?

    HOTARU: ... kinda.

Interesting.

KP:  You say that pretty often.

    You manage keep me interested. :p

"Wai.  But he had to be huge to beat my Mamo-chan."

'Wai'?

KP:  Maybe it should be Wah?

    Why would she say 'wah'? Maybe it was supposed to be 'wait'?

"Knives-Sama will be so happy, Vash, Ranma, and some of the Queens

soldiers

are within his grasps."

Uh... you had used English naming conventions prior to this point.

KP: slip.  will fix.

    Also, 'Queens -- Queen's' and 'grasps -- grasp'

KP:  I know and I'm waiting patiently for episode 10.  And thanks

again

Brian!

    Not a problem. :)