----- Original Message -----
From: "Brian Randall" <brian@azurite.org>
To: "noirchloe" <noirchloe@nyc.rr.com>
Cc: "Innocent Bystanders" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Thursday, December 27, 2001 10:55 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma/Trigun/Sailor Moon][Cross/Alt/Fushion] Enemies of
the Crystal State, Prologue

noirchloe wrote:

Enemies of the Crystal State
 A Ranma/Trigun/Sailor Moon
 Cross/alt/fushion
 By Kpjam

I'm intrigued.

I'm glad to hear it.

She was a prodigy at her school's art, her father had said so on many
occasions. He had been telling her often that if she kept up her

training,

she could become the best okonomiyaki chef martial artists ever.

art, her -- art; her (?)

KP:  I think you're right.

She had taken all comers in her age group.  Boy, girl, big, small,

anyone

that challenged her, she had been able to turn back flawlessly.  Then he

had

to show up.


He made her look silly.  He defeated her daily, and then acted like all

it

meant nothing.
If that wasn't bad enough, her father would chuckle and give the boy

some

food while ruffling his hair and praising him.  The same praise that was
supposed to be for her.

Whoops. Is that a formatting error? Looks like an extra newline, and
then a missing one...

KP: I'll need to check the original file.... Won't bore with the details of
the little quirks with Wordperfect9 on my computer and converting to and
from text>_<

Standing before her were two boys her own age, almost identical in
appearance, with long sandy blond hair, both looking at her askance.

I thought that Vash had gold hair, and Knives had platinum?

KP:  I thought they were identical when younger,  hmm... now I need to check
those episodes again, thanks Brian. =p

"We'd like two of your best," the boy said cheerfully.

"Knives, we don't have any money..."  the other boy said to Knives.

Naming him in such a manner is a little confusing. Perhaps, 'the one
boy said to the other', and then in the next paragraph, 'Knives' can
be used in the prose since this is (I presume) from Ukyou's PoV and
she just learned his name. As it's presented, though, it's a tad
awkward...

... though that's entirely my opinion, and you can freely ignore me. :)

KP:  I never ignore! I.. ah.. I... Disagree and assume an unfounded stance
of superiority :p

"Vash!"  the other boy yelled.

Ukyo frowned. Damn idiots, didn't they know this was a business?

"Sorry then," she said rudely.

You seem to be using two spaces after the end quotation (I'm not familiar

with taht convention) but here you use only a single space where the
dialogue leads into the prose.

KP: For as long as I remember I've always used two spaces after a sentence
ends, quotes or not. But when a quote leads into prose I used one since it's
not the end of a sentence.  Not claiming it's correct, it's just the
convention I've used.

"Ranma!"  She bellowed at the top of her lungs, raising her weapon as

she

moved to vanquish her most fearsome foe.

But here, you use two spaces. Shouldn't that be...

"Ranma!" she bellowed (?)

KP:  Yup, you're right.  since I screwed up the capitalization my eyes told
my brain two-spaces.

She looked at the other boy as he swiftly closed the distance between

her,

she could see the joy in his face and vowed to wipe that smirk off of

it.

Ack... There are three boys here. Which one is 'the other boy', since

you've already used that label for Knives? (Or was that Vash?)

KP:  I see the difficulty.  Ranma, is the 'new' boy. who she yelled at in
the precedeing paragraph.
KP:  How does "She looked at Ranma as he swiftly closed the distance between
them..." work for you.

She noticed the two boys, Knives and Vash if she remembered correctly,

were

still standing by the yatai, watching the spectacle unfold.

The, er... spectacle's already unfolded, as it were. :p

KP:  >_<;;

"Hey kid,  you did pretty good."  Her father called out.  "Isn't that

right,

Saotome?"

We know who 'her' is, since Ukyou's the only girl here, but it seems a

little odd coming into the middle of Vash and Knives' conversation like
that.

Perhaps 'Ukyou's father'?

KP:  Is all for better clarity.

"Sorry about my brother, miss."  Vash said to her.  "We're just getting

a

little hungry, we haven't eaten all day."

miss -- Miss (?)

Also, this is something that Ranma would overhear, isn't it? Or does he

just assume that Vash is wrong?

KP:  Ranma's eating*_*.  So his full attention is not on what's going on.
Also they broke up into small groups, Ranma and the dads discussing things
with Knives.

He stared at the boy, wondering how a mere child could cause the

uneasiness

that he felt.

PoV shift here?

KP:  I don't believe I ever established a PoV until this point.

"Actually, I was thinking we could pool our resources and make some sort

of

arrangement."  Knives held out his hand, displaying five 10,000 yen

notes.

Eh... if they've got money, why exactly are they fighting for food?

KP:  I trust that ws answered adequaltely below.^_^

Genma instinctively reached for bills only to have the boy remove them

from

view.

Commage.

"Where did you get that money?  If you had it, why'd you challenge Ukyo

for

the food?"  Genam asked, now fully engaged in the conversation.  Any
conversation that concerned food or money obtained Genma's full

attention.

Right.

A feral grin came over the young boy.  "The same place you obtained the
20,000 yen in your pocket."

Swift lad...

"Well...  It seems you do have a knack for the art,"  Genma replied with

a

gleam in his eye, matched in intensity by Knives.  If the boy could

steal so

much from the unaware Kuonji, he just might be useful.

*wince*

Ah... poor Kuonji-san.

KP:  Poor anyone who meets up with them.

"But why are we taking his cart, pops?"  Ranma asked.

pops -- Pops

And why haven't Vash or Knives corrected Ranma's misassement?

KP;  Going by the Anime author's convention of never revealing information
off-screne when an attempt at humor can be made on-screen. :)

"Why would anyone want to marry a guy?"  Confusion evident on the young

boys

face.
"Ranma... Ukyo is a girl, you idiot."

Missing newline.

boys -- boy's

Who is speaking that last line? In order of speakers, it's Ukyou, and she

doesn't adress herself in the third person, does she?

Actually, scratch that, many children do, but I don't think she is in

_this_ fic.

KP: Knives was speaking, I tried to avoid a "Knives sneered" tag by having
Ranma reply to him by name in the next line.
KP Goes to add tag.

"Yeah.  My dad told me."  Her earlier anger missing.

I assume the fragment is intentional?

KP:  Unintentionally intentional.

Knives was grinning with determination, satisfaction, and she thought

hate.

She was normally a good judge of character and she felt Knives actually
hated the pig-tailed boy, no matter what Kasumi or the others said.

Commage.

Interesting.

She liked Ranma, but there was no desire to spend her life with the boy.
She was planning on walking out of the engagement or getting Ranma to do

it

at some later date.  He possessed a lot of qualities that made him

likeable,

and some that she even respected him for, but he wasn't close to being

the

'one.'

Heh.

KP:  ^_^

Should 'art' be capitalized, as it was earlier?

"We repeat again!  This is not a drill!  Please evacuate Tokyo immediate

and

go to the fall-out shelter assigned to you!  This is not a drill!"

Eh?

Author's rant:    Blame or Praise Merc for me actually getting around to
writing this.  Also, thanks to Corwin and Mads for suggestions and help.
Chapter one will pick-up after the Nuclear war is over and we slowly

find

out what tragedies hit out characters and what nefarius things Knives

has

done in his quest to best Ranma and Humanity. ^_^

Interesting...

Glad it interested you.  And thanks for the comments.  Later.


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