on 12/28/01 4:05 PM, Greg Housley at coldmatrix@hotmail.com wrote:
This is a repost, and I really need some responses here!!! Is anybody
reading this? I'm hoping for some feedback to help encourage or improve my
writing style, so please take the time to read, and then pretty please take
the time to respond!
Greg, be careful what you wish for....commentary enclosed in square []
brackets.
~the serpent's proposal~
A Ranma 1/2 fiction
by: Greg Housley
dis*claim \dis-'klAm\ vb : DENY (as in I -deny- any rights or ownership
to the characters or situations herein), DISAVOW (i.e. - I -disavow- any
responsibility for the creation of the material this piece of fiction is
based on)-- Dis*claim*er n : Ranma 1/2 is the sole creation of Rumiko
Takahashi and her creation is used/misused/abused without permission. The
rights of Ranma 1/2 belong to Mrs. Takahashi and Viz Video, of which I'm
intentionally infringing on. ~~~~ I'm poor, and extremely bored, also I'm a
big fan so don't sue me, else I may have to cause you bodily harm. Ahem
anyway.... Sorry I hate disclaimers...
I suggest either a polite disclaimer, or none at all. You appear to be
attempting humor here, but it could easily be taken the wrong way.
~the seprent's proposal~
Chapter one: ~The Presence~
School had finally let out at Furinkan and Ranma couldn't help but
idly wonder, as he walked casually balanced atop the fence on his way home,
how he would spend this school break.
Akane walked just beneath him to the side, in her own quiet
thoughts, pointedly avoiding eye contact with Ranma whom in turn seemed to
be mimicking this gesture with minimal difficulties. She was still angry
with him from his earlier comment that she should invent martial arts food
poisoning after trying repeatively [repeatedly] to feed him some lunch she had
prepared.
Of course her anger wasn't quite as bad as it had been after she had then
proceeded to give him a black eye. She could still see him, out of the
corner of her eye, dabbing at the purple tender flesh that had swollen
around his eye. It almost caused her to smirk, though she forced herself to
be content with the smile she held on the inside for now.
Well, the see-sawing POV nearly makes me sea sick, but then I don't know how
you portray haragei in any better way than you have done here. I have never
tried it.
Ranma for his part, was roused from his thoughts when he noticed a
repressed smile from Akane form under the mask of anger she was trying hard
to hold. It caused him to bite down on his lower lip. What an uncute tomboy
she was, he thought. She actually seemed to enjoy the fact that she had hit
him. What in the world could cause someone to make deadly toxic food, and
then beat someone for not wanting to eat it, how stupid could she possibly
be? He sniffed loudly when he caught her eyes drift over to him again, and
proceeded to hop down from the fence and without even a note of
ackowledgement proceeded to walk in the opposite direction.
[I suggest breaking this last sentence up into two separate sentences and
the question just before it should probably be broken up as well. I do this
to myself all the time and I hate the process of rewriting this sort of
thing, but it is very hard on the reader.]
Akane, slightly caught[transpose "slightly" and "caught."] of [off not of]
guard, turned to watch him leave, her
forced mask of anger now a look of puzzlement. She almost called to him but
grew angry at the idea of letting him get to her. Let him do whatever he
wants, she thought bitterly.
As Ranma walked down the low traffic road he began to let his
thoughts drift, he couldn't remember the last time a rival had given him a
shiner and couldn't quite figure how it was that all his hard training
seemed to amount to nothing when Akane got angry. He could sense an attack
from Ryoga a mile away, but then again, Ryoga always seemed to annouce his
attack with a loud....
"RANMA PREPARE TO DIE!!!"
Ranma blinked as his thought was finished for him, and turned in
time to see a charging locomotive heading his way at alarming speeds. Said
locomotive sporting a rather hefty bamboo umbrella and a set of weather
beaten olive colored travel clothes. [weather-beaten, olive-colored]
"What now Ryoga?" Ranma asked flatly having had this drill a
thousand times before.
"What now?" He asked incredilously as he began to throw a barrage
of punches that Ranma easily blocked. "How dare you mock Akane!"
[I suggest replacing the pronoun "he" with Ryoga in the above sentence. The
pronoun in this spot lead to confusion for me.]
Ranma, realizing Ryoga's reference was to his earlier comment
about her cooking, felt his anger begin to surge. "For someone who's as
eternally lost as you are, how the hell is it that you always seem to know
what Akane and I are doing, P-chan?" He taunted.
[I would make the timing of the comment clearer. I had to go back and check
to see which comment was made when. In this case, the comment had been made
during lunch and the author would serve his readers well by saying so, even
though it may seem repetitive.]
"You shut up!" Ryoga roared. "I'd die if Akane tried to feed me
her homecooking!"
Ranma couldn't help but smile at this, "Hey you -do- understand!".
"You know what I mean!" Ryoga stopped his attack to square off
with Ranma in the park they had found in the midst of their battle. "For
what you said to Akane, I'm gonna beat the hell out of you Ranma." He spoke
cooly.
"Ryoga, how many times do I have to defeat you before ya realize
you can't win, hmmm?"
"I won't lose."
"We'll see won't we?"
"DIE!!!" Ryoga cried out as he bounded at full speed at Ranma,
dipped down just beneath him, and sent out an explosion of rubble with his
breaking point. Ranma leaped up only a fraction sooner than the blast and
rebounded off a nearby oak tree sending several furious punches into Ryoga's
chest with his chestnut fist. Ryoga rolled onto his back using his legs to
kick Ranma into the air. Leaping back to his feet, he managed to meet Ranma
where he land[ed] and attempted to punch him in the face. Ranma swept under
the
punch and rotated [on] his leg [,] sweeping Ryoga's feet out from [beneath
rather than underneath] underneath him.
Using the momentum of the sweep, Ryoga pulled his arms and legs in tight and
rolled backwards in the air initiating a perfect backflip. Ranma, wasting no
time[,] hurled [hurled does not work here. Try "attacked Ryoga," instead] into
Ryoga with [you could replace "with" with "hurled" here and it would work
nicely.] a flurry of punches and kicks forcing Ryoga to
take the defensive as he staggered backwards from the onslaught. Finally[,]
Ranma managed to back Ryoga into a tree[,] but he didn't count on [use Ryoga
instead of the pronoun here. "Him" is confusing.] him acting so
quickly and payed [paid] for it with a severe blow to the gut. Leaping
backward
with several backflips Ranma came to a silent stand off against Ryoga as
each measured his opponent in hopes for an opening. Ranma began to feel his
arm hairs prick up as Ryoga's ki level began to soar.
Not to be outdone, Ranma let his own level of ki rise to match
Ryoga's.
"SHI SHI HOKODAN!" Ryoga let out the violent battle cry as his ki
manifested itself in a blue ball of consentrated energy and shot out a [at]
Ranma.
"MOKO TAKABISHA!" Ranma counter-attacked with his confidence ki
attack, each ball of energy meeting mid-way. Not good enough, Ranma thought
as he watched Ryoga's ki attack plow through his own, Ryoga's depression is
greater than my confidence. The blow passed just over Ranma's shoulder as he
side-stepped it swiftly. But the dodge was short lived as one after another
began to fire from Ryoga's out-stretched hands. Ranma found himslef engaged
in a rather twisted version of dodge ball as each ki blast narrowly missed
him.
Changing tactics Ranma began to leap through the trees to find
more certain ground. Ryoga gave a close chase by ground as he played target
practice with Ranma's agile form. Finding a nice clearing Ranma jumped down
from the trees and back onto the ground only to have to dodge three more ki
attackes.
"Ryoga DAMMIT!!!" He yelled in frustration. "KNOCK IT OFF WILL
YA?!!"
"Whats the matter Ranma, am I too much for you?"
"Why you!!!" Ranma found just enough time to bring his confidence
up another notch and began to swiftly meet each of Ryoga's ki balls with his
own canceling each one out. [There will be yowls of protest over this, but I
think I know where you are going with it.] Ryoga sensing the defeat in this
tactic, halted
his attack and felt his depression sink lower as he geared up for his next
one. Ranma could feel the hair on the back of his neck now as he watched
Ryoga surround himself with a menacing blue glow. "Oh shit..." Was all the
thought Ranma had time for, before a gigantic heavy blue ki lashed upward
into the sky from Ryoga. The pressure from all about Ranma began to increase
to agonizing amounts as the ki attack began to peak, and out of a fit of
desperation he had an idea surface.
"Hyru shoten ha revised, shi shi hokodan dragon repel wave!"
Ranma sent a chilled upward punch into the heavy laden ki, forcing
the ki to disperse into a depression ki tornado. Ranma bounded back in time
to see the highly pressurized ki twister sweep Ryoga up and begin to crush
him from all sides. Ryoga let out a startled yell as he felt his body being
crushed to death.
Ranma stared in horror at the results of his counter-attack, and
hurriedly tried to think of a way to quickly save Ryoga.
"Nice ki wave you got there Ranma." He heard a familiar voice
comment flatly. Ranma shot an evil look at the panty looting old freak
Happosai, as he stared from Ranma's side at the crushing tornado rampaging
through the central most part of the park. Trees began to uproot themselves
as the tornado began [delete "began," or replace it with "continued."] to
build momentum, and suddenly Ranma figured it out.
Quickly snatching the old man's panty loot Ranma tossed it as hard as he
could into the crushing blue ki twister. [Always separate dialogue from long
narrative passages!]
"HEY WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU"RE
DOING!!!" The old man screamed as he ran at amazing speeds into the tornado.
[Properly written, the sentence above should read:
"HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Happosai screamed as he ran at an
amazing speed into the tornado. (you can only have one speed in a given
moment, therefore speeds should have been singluar. Note the punctuation. I
fought this for months and you would do well to learn to get it right as
quickly as you can.)]
Ranma spotted Ryoga again at the center, unconscious. At least he
[The sentence, "At least he hoped." is very confusing. Try "At least Ranma
hoped Ryoga was merely unconscious.]
hoped. And noticed as the bundle he had thrown began to unravel and scatter
panties in all directions. He [careful with the damned pronouns! There are
three characters in this scene, all of them male.] could see Happosai
swimming up in the
depression wave trying in vain to collect all of his scattered loot as it
was tossed all[delete "all." It detracts from rather than contributing to the
impact] about, and could vividly [delete vividly. This is incorrect usage of
the word. "Clearly" would be the better choice of words.] see it knock
nearly everything out
of the old master that he could manage to maintain. [everything? What
everything? The last clause is muddled. We don't know for sure what got
knocked out of Happosai.] He could also see that
the old freak was getting severely pissed.
"RANMA I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" He screamed out above the loud
thundering of the twister. [Which "he" screamed? Also, separate dialogue form
narrative. Dialogue should almost always be in its own paragraph.]
A large Ki built from anger and perversion, Ranma
could only suppose, began to eminate from the old man as he began to press
it out against the inside of the ki wave. It seemed to be working for a
short while but then closely pushed back in on Happosai.
"DAMMIT!!!" The ["the" should not be capitalized.] old man screamed as the
wave of anger burst out of him causing a blinding light of counter ki to
suck all the surrounding light available from the area. [Dialogue is best
separated from narrative. Caps and multiple exclamation marks are redundant.
"DAMMIT!" is quite enough emphasis, for the majority of readers.]
Ranma shielded his eyes for the second it blew out like an explosion and
then everything was instantly calm again.
[The above sentence is badly garbled. I figured out what you meant, but you
gained nothing story-wise by making me do so. Reword it.]
Ranma saw Ryoga's body seem to
hover for a millisecond and then to fall lifelessly to the ground. Before it
could reach though, he caught Ryoga in his arms during mid-fall and set him
gently to the ground.
[I suggest re-wording the sentence above as well. Action sequences are
tricky, and you have not done half-bad, but this needs improvement.]
"Ryoga?" he gently nudged him. "Ryoga?" he tried again with a
little more emphasis. Still nothing. He bent down cautiously with an ear to
Ryoga's face, scared of what he might find, and let a sigh of relief as he
felt breath tickle gently at his ear hairs. Carefully scooping Ryoga up into
his arms he turned to leave and caught sight of a still conscious Happosai
seemingly[don't use tentative descriptives in action sequences. Stick with
definite statements. The old man is watching little blue birdies fly around
his bald pate. "Seemingly" fits into this like socks on a rooster.] stunned,
but none for the worse [Garbled idiom. "Stunned, but looking no worse for
the wear."]. Stupid old man, he thought, but
couldn't help but think how fortunate it was that he had been there.
Still, he decided to leave the old man where he was, he was pretty
sure, despite his martial arts abilities, he didn't want to be anywhere near
the old man when he shook off his daze. [Too many pronouns and very odd
sentence structure. Re-write this. It seems as though you are here trying to
jam five pounds of story into a sentence of one-half pound capacity.]
With only a moments more thought on the situation he decided to
continue towards his originally intended destination. He shifted Ryoga onto
his back and carried him piggy-back style, Ranma couldn't help but snicker
at the pun, to Dr. Tofu's clinic.
The journey in turn wasn't long and went without any other [delete "other." It
is redundant.] further
interruptions [should be singular, "interruption."]. He reached Dr. Tofu's at
a quarter to five and was greeted by
a rather surprised Tofu. "Ranma how are you doing, it's been a while! Whoa
that's a nice shiner you have there." Ranma flushed with renewed anger
having completely forgotten about the black eye.
"Yeah well thats part of the reason I'm over here[,] doc [Doc]."
"Oh? You and Akane [have] been fighting again Ranma, or was it with that
boy you have draped over your back?" [Be careful with Tofu's dialogue. He
speaks proper Japanese as a rule. He is well educated compared to the other
characters.]
"well it's a little of both actually. I came to get the eye
examined but this idiot jumped me and I was forced to give em a beatin. Ya
give both of us a look?"
"Sure, set him over here on the examining [examination] table." Tofu
instructed
and Ranma was quick to comply. It wasn't long before Tofu had Ryoga down to
a pair of boxers and was giving him a thorough examination. "This is amazing
Ranma, I've never seen anything like it before!" Tofu declared. "It's simply
horrible[!] w[W]here did you learn a technique like this?"
"It was actually more spontaneous, than anything else," said
Ranma [Big words for Ranma. I suggest re-wording it a bit to get him back in
character]. "Ryoga had me trapped under a massive ki technique of his and I
well-
I sorta ripped it apart with my H[i]ryu Shoten Ha." [Hiryuu Shoten Ha.
Flying-dragon Ascent Strike. I usually romanize it differently, but this
causes a great many fan-fic readers to hiccough.]
<Big snip>
When she finally made it back to the dojo, she didn't even waste
her time with a kettle. She marched straight up to the bathroom to have a
nice soak in the furo.
[Minor issue: The bath at Tendo-ke is on the first floor. That much water is
quite heavy so they are almost always on the first floor, not the second.]
[I am going to stop here, because you have a few basics to correct and the
errors you have made are both numerous and repetitive.
1) Get a spelling checker and use it religiously.
2) Separate the dialogue from the narrative. Dialogue should almost always
be in a paragraph of its own. If in doubt, give it its own paragraph. You
will make fewer mistakes that way than you will by running it all together
as you have here.
3) Get out a novel and carefully note how the dialogue is punctuated. You
will still make mistakes, but that's what FFML is for, to help you fix those
kinds of things.
4) I have a serious problem with the way you are handling Akane. She is way
out of character by being much to harsh and vindictive with Ranma in this
story. Your call, but you will likely hear this same complaint with many
others. If there is something causing her to act this way, then give the
reader a hint that there is a cause of some kind behind her behavior.
5) Akane does not actually care all that much for Ryouga, at least not
according to the Manga. If you would have it otherwise, you owe your readers
an explanation, especially if this is set after Volume 38.
6) The GOOD NEWS IS: You have the makings of a good yarn here, once you have
fixed some of the mechanical problems. One of the reasons you are getting so
few responses is that there are so many errors in grammar and punctuation
that the piece is hard to read. Still, this is the basis of an excellent
tale and you obviously have the key element it takes to be a good
storyteller--imagination and a fairly good sense of drama. If you want to
improve though, and get help in improving, you need to make an effort
towards fixing your spelling and grammar first.
Well thats chapter one, what did you think? I'm really anxious for any sort
of feed-back so please don't hesitate to write me. If you actually liked
this, and are curious where I'm taking it, the more responses I recieve
determines the pace of my next chapter so PLEASE RESPOND!! Any help anyone
is willing to provide for personal pre-reading is also appreciated, as I
feel I need to improve my writing style. so just hit the ol' reply button
and let me know your thoughts!
-Greg-
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