noirchloe wrote:

Enemies of the Crystal State
 A Ranma/Trigun/Sailor Moon
 Cross/alt/fushion
 By Kpjam

    I'm intrigued.

She was a prodigy at her school's art, her father had said so on many
occasions. He had been telling her often that if she kept up her training,
she could become the best okonomiyaki chef martial artists ever.

    art, her -- art; her (?)

She had taken all comers in her age group.  Boy, girl, big, small, anyone
that challenged her, she had been able to turn back flawlessly.  Then he had
to show up.


He made her look silly.  He defeated her daily, and then acted like all it
meant nothing.
If that wasn't bad enough, her father would chuckle and give the boy some
food while ruffling his hair and praising him.  The same praise that was
supposed to be for her.

    Whoops. Is that a formatting error? Looks like an extra newline, and then a missing one...

"Ah, excuse me, miss."

    miss -- Miss (used in leiu of a proper name?)

Standing before her were two boys her own age, almost identical in
appearance, with long sandy blond hair, both looking at her askance.

    I thought that Vash had gold hair, and Knives had platinum?

"The best Okonomiyaki you'll ever taste.  My father is a master chef," she
said as she indicated the older man looking on from behind the yatai.
"Right, Dad?'

    Okonomiyaki -- okonomiyaki

"We'd like two of your best," the boy said cheerfully.

"Knives, we don't have any money..."  the other boy said to Knives.

    Naming him in such a manner is a little confusing. Perhaps, 'the one boy said to the other', and then in the next paragraph, 'Knives' can be used in the prose since this is (I presume) from Ukyou's PoV and she just learned his name. As it's presented, though, it's a tad awkward...

    ... though that's entirely my opinion, and you can freely ignore me. :)

"Vash!"  the other boy yelled.

Ukyo frowned. Damn idiots, didn't they know this was a business?

"Sorry then," she said rudely.

    You seem to be using two spaces after the end quotation (I'm not familiar with taht convention) but here you use only a single space where the dialogue leads into the prose.

"Ranma!"  She bellowed at the top of her lungs, raising her weapon as she
moved to vanquish her most fearsome foe.

    But here, you use two spaces. Shouldn't that be...

    "Ranma!" she bellowed (?)

She looked at the other boy as he swiftly closed the distance between her,
she could see the joy in his face and vowed to wipe that smirk off of it.

    Ack... There are three boys here. Which one is 'the other boy', since you've already used that label for Knives? (Or was that Vash?)

Defeated again she stood up slowly and turned back to the yatai, while
brushing herself off.  She watched as her father heaped praise upon the boy
and gave him some food.  Ranma's father wasn't long in making his way to the
food either.

    Commage.

She noticed the two boys, Knives and Vash if she remembered correctly, were
still standing by the yatai, watching the spectacle unfold.

    The, er... spectacle's already unfolded, as it were. :p

Deciding to test that theory she switched tactics, setting into a less
intricate attack pattern.
Her new strategy began to show instant results as she began pounding on her
less skilled opponent.  If she had looked at things objectively, she might
have appreciated the natural instincts and durability the youth displayed.

    Missing newline.

She growled when she heard Ranma's encouragement, but this time kept her eye
on her opponent who was slowly rising to his feet.

    Commage.

"That's enough, Knives!"  Vash yelled, as he ran in-between the two
combatants.

    in-between -- between (?)

"Hey kid,  you did pretty good."  Her father called out.  "Isn't that right,
Saotome?"

    We know who 'her' is, since Ukyou's the only girl here, but it seems a little odd coming into the middle of Vash and Knives' conversation like that.

    Perhaps 'Ukyou's father'?

"Sorry about my brother, miss."  Vash said to her.  "We're just getting a
little hungry, we haven't eaten all day."

    miss -- Miss (?)

    Also, this is something that Ranma would overhear, isn't it? Or does he just assume that Vash is wrong?

"You don't have to, miss."

    miss -- Miss (?)

"Thanks a lot miss."

    miss -- Miss (?)

"That I'm a girl, idiot."

    Ranma isn't picking up on this?

"What else would you be, but a cute girl."

    girl." -- girl?"

"No.  I saw the kid do it and it looked easy."  Knives pointed his thumb at
Ranma. "I still don't know why I lost.  I did the same moves as him."

    Heh.

"You have to tailor the moves you use to your owns skills and the opponent.
You're not as quick as young Ranma, but a little taller.  You should vary
the attacks you use accordingly,"  Mr. Kounji explained.

    owns -- own (Unless Kuonji is speaking l33t here, and that just disturbs me on so many levels...)

"Heh.  Like you could just copy me. I mean, I've been training since I could
walk.  I'm going to be the best,"  Ranma boasted.

    copy me. I mean -- copy me.  I mean (missing space)

He stared at the boy, wondering how a mere child could cause the uneasiness
that he felt.

    PoV shift here?

"Can we go discuss it?"  Knives asked, as he began to walk away from the
group.
Genma shrugged and humored the boy by following.

    Missing newline.

"Actually, I was thinking we could pool our resources and make some sort of
arrangement."  Knives held out his hand, displaying five 10,000 yen notes.

    Eh... if they've got money, why exactly are they fighting for food?

Genma instinctively reached for bills only to have the boy remove them from
view.

    Commage.

"Where did you get that money?  If you had it, why'd you challenge Ukyo for
the food?"  Genam asked, now fully engaged in the conversation.  Any
conversation that concerned food or money obtained Genma's full attention.

    Right.

A feral grin came over the young boy.  "The same place you obtained the
20,000 yen in your pocket."

    Swift lad...

"Well...  It seems you do have a knack for the art,"  Genma replied with a
gleam in his eye, matched in intensity by Knives.  If the boy could steal so
much from the unaware Kuonji, he just might be useful.

    *wince*

    Ah... poor Kuonji-san.

"Don't worry about her son.  She needs to stay with her father," Genma
huffed.

    her son. -- her, Son. (?)

"But why are we taking his cart, pops?"  Ranma asked.

    pops -- Pops

    And why haven't Vash or Knives corrected Ranma's misassement?

"Engagement?"  Ranma had this completely confused look on his face.  "What's
an engagement?"
"Jerk, one of you has to marry me!"

    Missing newline.

"Why would anyone want to marry a guy?"  Confusion evident on the young boys
face.
"Ranma... Ukyo is a girl, you idiot."

    Missing newline.

    boys -- boy's

    Who is speaking that last line? In order of speakers, it's Ukyou, and she doesn't adress herself in the third person, does she?

    Actually, scratch that, many children do, but I don't think she is in _this_ fic.

"Heh.  You don't know anything do you?"

    Commage.

"Stop it both of you," Vash yelled.  Both guys turned to their sides, but
kept their eyes glued to each other.

    Commage.

"Yeah.  My dad told me."  Her earlier anger missing.

    I assume the fragment is intentional?

"What?  You don't want me?"  Ukyo hollered in his face.

    me?"  Ukyo -- me?" Ukyo (leads into prose.)

Knives was grinning with determination, satisfaction, and she thought hate.
She was normally a good judge of character and she felt Knives actually
hated the pig-tailed boy, no matter what Kasumi or the others said.

    Commage.

    Interesting.

She liked Ranma, but there was no desire to spend her life with the boy.
She was planning on walking out of the engagement or getting Ranma to do it
at some later date.  He possessed a lot of qualities that made him likeable,
and some that she even respected him for, but he wasn't close to being the
'one.'

    Heh.

"I bet Knives was thrilled?"  Nabiki knew that at times Knives acted like
beating Ranma was the only thing in the world that he cared about.

    thrilled?" -- thrilled."

"Heh.  You can say that again.  It seems his personal mission in life is to
beat Ranma at the art.  The funny thing is, Knives actually learns faster,
but when they get into a fight, Ranma just seems to adapt in the middle and
throw something new at the Knives to pull-out the victory."


Nabiki was happy with the information.  It only corroborated what she had
already known, but that was almost as important as knowing it at all.

    Extra newline.

    pull-out -- pull out

    Should 'art' be capitalized, as it was earlier?

"We repeat again!  This is not a drill!  Please evacuate Tokyo immediate and
go to the fall-out shelter assigned to you!  This is not a drill!"

    Eh?

Author's rant:    Blame or Praise Merc for me actually getting around to
writing this.  Also, thanks to Corwin and Mads for suggestions and help.
Chapter one will pick-up after the Nuclear war is over and we slowly find
out what tragedies hit out characters and what nefarius things Knives has
done in his quest to best Ranma and Humanity. ^_^

    Interesting...

This and other stories can be found at my place:
http://kpjam.anifics.com
Email: Noirchloe@nyc.rr.com