noirchloe wrote:

Enemies of the Crystal State

A Ranma/Trigun/Sailor Moon
Cross/alt/fushion
By Kpjam

Ranma sat quietly in the corner of the room, sipping his tea, and listening
to the conversations around him.  He had found that the best way to gather
information wasn't to ask, but to eavesdrop in the local bar.  Ask about
something or someone and that information would suddenly become the most
expensive and elusive thing in the world.  Sit back and listen to people
speaking, even starting an irrelevant conversation with someone and the
information would be free and clear.

    The fine art of information gathering.

It was still early, just past seven and the bar wasn't very crowded, eleven
people, including the bartender.  The actual bar looked battered, with huge
gashes along the face of it and a very soiled table cloth covering the top
of it.

    Uh... that paragraph is a bit awkward. Not sure what to suggest, though.

The various tables were a combination of small wooden tables and metallic
ones that would look more appropriate in someone's yard.  None of the tables
had chairs that comprised a set, all obviously found or purchased piecemeal.

    Repetition, tables.

The bar was lit inadequately by a couple of exposed ceiling bulbs, and the
walls were completely bare, in a little better shape than the bar itself
was.

    suggest: ... in little better shape than the bar itself.

    Merely a suggestion mind you, and you can freely disregard anything I say.

The women both had long tresses, one blonde, the other black.  The long hair
was another oddity for the wasteland areas.  "They must be from Tokyo," he
surmised.  That was one of the few places in Japan where society had picked
up again, being cleansed right away by the child woman claiming to be a
queen.

    'child woman'?

Ranma frowned, they wouldn't last long.  Two women from Tokyo.  Although he
was surprised they made it so far, as clueless as they seemed.  He wondered
how they could make it from Tokyo to Yakumo without knowing that milk didn't
exist around here.

    That first sentence is awkward, perhaps replace the comma with a semicolon?

Ranma perked at hearing the name.  Taking care of Vash wouldn't complete his
quest, but it would be a huge step in the right direction.  Things had taken
too much time as it was, he needed to put the souls of those murdered to
rest, especially Ukyo's.

    ....

    Right.

"Hmm...  What makes you think anyone here knows anything about him?"  The
bartender lowered his hand onto the bar, face-up.

    'face-up'? 'Palm up', you mean?

He sighed to himself, bemoaning his lost chance at staying inconspicuous.
He really was trying, but things always seemed to happen that he couldn't
let slide.  He was proud that he had saved those girls without getting into
a fight.

    How did he save them?

"Hey!  I ain't no creep!"  Ranma yelled in response.  ""sides.  I already
helped you out earlier," he concluded smugly.

    ""sides -- "'sides (double-quote to single-quote.)

"Shhh," Mercury admonished her, as Jupiter leveled a glare at Venus who just
shrugged it off.

    Commage.

"Yes!"  Jupiter answered, as if the answer was obvious.  "The men at the
bar, Mercury, Saturn, and I were at, said he was the huge, around twelve
feet tall, short legs, and looked to weigh several hundred kilos.  He also
carries a large metal boomerang and was wearing a red shirt."

    Heh. Redshirt.

Venus nodded, realizing the description matched the one Usagi had given
then.

    then -- them (?)

Usagi had a government to run, one that wasn't going as smoothly as everyone
believed.  Though she had been set up as ruler of Japan, there were many
places that didn't recognize Usagi's monarchy and had set their various
townships and principalities as their own miniature reigns, including Kyoto.
The major task of cementing relations with these places took up a majority
of her time. Time she couldn't spend away from the city.

    Kyoto's a goodly distance from Tokyo.

"We need you if we get into real trouble.  You know your attacks are to
powerful for fighting people," Venus explained to the youngest senshi.

    to -- too

The men all whirled around surprise on their face, drawing various weapons,
mostly swords, and flails, a few guns were visible as well.

    Final comma, perhaps should be trailed with a 'though'?

"Vash the Stampede. By order of Neo-Queen Serenity, you are under arrest for
disturbing the sanctity of royal coupling."

    ...

Ranma ran swiftly over the scorched landscape towards the sound of men
laughing.  He slowed to a stop as he approached a ledge and peered over it.
Aboutten feet down, in-between the cliff he was looking over, and the cliff
that was overlooking the bay, was a group of about twenty men in a circle
around two others.

    Aboutten -- About ten

Ranma noted the embarrassed look on Vash's face.  He wondered what 'coupling
' was, "maybe some twin martial arts move," he thought and imagined how
upset he's be if someone interrupted him in the middle of a move.

    ...

    For someone so hardened, that's pretty dense.

He stood up straight, puffing out his chest and folding his arms over it and
smirked as all attention was diverted to him, challenging anyone to oppose
his will.
"Heh.  Little boys should go play with little girls and leave us men alone.
That way you won't get hurt," the towering figure called out.

    Missing newline.

"Feh.  Like you and your goons could beat me," he responded confidently,
slightly flexing his muscles in anticipation of a movement, especially from
the guns in the group.  He had faced up against guns before, and walked
away.  Though he would prefer to avoid them if possible, this time it wasn'
t.

    wasn' t -- wasn't

He heard one of the girls shriek.  Then one of the smaller swordsmen had
moved to cut him off with his sword raised high and charging.  Ranma smirked
as he fingered a small knife that was up his sleeve.  He slid the knife into
his palm and jumped sideways, deftly avoiding the downward stroke while
slashing across the unprotected wrist.  His actions were rewarded with a
yowl of pain as the sword dropped to the ground amidst a small spray of
blood.

    Hmm.

"So who's going to give you money for my head?"  He asked, curiosity getting
to him.

    Yeah.

"Knives!"

    Yeah? Interesting.

Venus was satisfied that Mercury and Jupiter would be alright, given time to
heal.

    Saturn can't do anything?

He looked over her shoulder at the fight that was still going on and nodded.
"Yes, I shall save your friends and then later we will discuss you
gratitude."

    you gratitude -- your gratitude

"Huh.  Oh. Ya."  The blonde in the school girl's outfit quickly stood up.

    Inconsistant spacing there.

He tumbled to the ground while Descartes dying scream filled the air.

    Woah, Vash killed Descartes. Might want to reconsider that scene, since that's a little... erm... OOC for canon Vash. Admittedly, this is an ALT, but...

"Well.  Later ladies."  He turned and started jogging away, guessing the
direction Vash had taken off in.

    Interesting.

The Sailors stood around stunned for a moment, as they watched the
pig-tailed youth jog off.  Their momentary enjoyment of completing a
successful mission shattered by the revelation that the huge man wasn't
Vash, and they had apparently let him go.

    pig-tailed -- pigtailed

"Wai.  But he had to be huge to beat my Mamo-chan."

    'Wai'?

"Listen.  Jupiter and Mercury were injured so we're sending them back okay."

    Commage, and shouldn't that be a question?

"They should be fine.  They're teleporting now.  They'll need surgery!"  She
turned and signaled to Saturn, who teleports away with Jupiter and Mercury.

    teleports -- teleported

"Knives-Sama will be so happy, Vash, Ranma, and some of the Queens soldiers
are within his grasps."

    Uh... you had used English naming conventions prior to this point.

He definitely didn't like it and he considered saying no, but his protective
nature took over.  He didn't want it on his conscious if anything were to
happen to them when he could have protected them, no matter how much of a
pain these girls looked like they'd be.  Besides, he could get rid of them
at the next town.

"Fine."  He'd get rid of them at the next town.

    Repetition of getting rid of them at the next town.

"Thanks, mister.  Ahh?"

    mister. Ahh?) -- mister... ah?" (suggested)

End of Chapter

Notes: I hope you enjoyed.  I own none of these characters, only borrowing
them to hopeful bring enjoyment to some.

    Interesting.

I must thank Merc and Corwin for being patient with my poor grammar and
silly ideas.

Other works by me can be found at http://kpjam.anifics.com

email me at noirchloe@nyc.rr.com, or don't. ^_^

Ja, I need to find more Vandread to watch!

    Mmm... Second Stage.