Catching up on my backlog of fics while I'm home savoring the
traditional post-Xmas germs....

"Michael Noakes" <noakes_m@hotmail.com> wrote:

What has gone before:

A fight between Happosai and Ranma brought a strange book into Akane's 
possession.  Her use of that book made her a target for unknown forces.  
Their search for her whereabouts led to the inadvertent death of innocent 
girls.  In putting an end to the violence, Ranma led the enemy to the Tendo 
Residence.  Allies were called in and preparations made.  The enemy 
attacked.  The fight was long and arduous, and destroyed most of the Tendo 
house.  In the end, the defenders held their ground . . . but at what cost?

NABIKI: Five thousand four hundred and fifty yen, plus shipping and
handling.

The slow rise into consciousness came reluctantly.  It brought with it a 
great deal and variety of pain.  The first thing the man realized, swimming 

Wording here seems a little clumsy. Just a personal aesthetic judgement,
but I'd suggest something like:

brought with it pain in great quantity and variety.

	He struggled to remember.  "That thing, after it . . . my father, and I . . 
. Kasumi's room.  The c-c-cats were all dead.  Or half-dead.  But I picked 

Could you wrap so that a set of ellipses doesn't split between lines?
Inserting a hard return before "I" will do it.

Swiftly and ghostlike, tenebrous buildings briefly looming and dimmed lights 
sporadically flaring through misty darkness, the shadowed impression of 
Tokyo flowed past as in a dream.  How she wished it was nothing but a dream, 

wished it were

(Use "were" rather than "was" when discussing a hypothetical situation.
You may want to do something to eliminate the repetition of "dream.")

but for Akane Tendo the obsidian arm that held her within its powerful grasp 
was all too nightmarish, all too real.  The skin of her kidnapper was cool 

AKANE: Well, a nightmare *is* a dream, right? So I suppose I should look
on the bright side.

This can't be happening, she thought.  I've been kidnapped!
	Again, a cynical voice in the back of her head added.
	This time, however, she wasn't being used as a pawn against Ranma.  This 
terrible, strange man--she didn't even know his name!--wanted _her_--she 
didn't even know why!--and wasn't likely to drop convenient hints as to 

MAN: I want you so I can use you as a pawn against Ranma.

AKANE: Oh, sure. Make a liar out of me.

	Akane ran forward, battering her fists against the last remaining attacker. 
 Her punches did nothing, the man's skin as smooth and cool as ice and far 
far harder.  "Leave him alone!" she screamed.  "Let him go!  You're killing 

far, far	(missing a comma)

	Her fiance slowly stood, then stepped forward into an aggressive stance.   
Arms snapped up and stretched wide, then slowly drew down, finally crossing 
at the forearms, held at waist level.  Curved fingers seemed to rake at his 
own aura, and as his hands flowed into a classic Mouko Takabisha position, 
thin jets of fire swirled into the gathering sphere of power.  But this was 
something new: the ball of charged air suddenly ignited and swelled larger.  
Their enemy's eyes widened with surprise--and fear, she saw.	"Fool!" he 

                                                             ^^^
Extra space here.

cried.  "You'll destroy--"
	Blank-eyed, Ranma seemed beyond hearing.  Akane wasn't even sure he was 
fully aware of what was happening.  Arms trembling to restrain the energies 
he had called forth, failed; his attack blasted free.  She suddenly found 

Arms, trembling to restrain the energies he had called forth, failed;
(assuming it's the arms that failed; not sure if I'm reading this as
intended.)

	Akane's eyes snapped open at a sudden lurch.  Sounds and smells assaulted 
her in a dizzying rush, as her surroundings emerged from the fading shadows. 
 The obsidian man alighted on the quiet street below, and carefully, almost 
delicately, put her down.  One hand still held her by the wrist.
	"I have waited so long for you to come along, girl," the man said, sounding 

AKANE: If you burst into song right now, I'm gonna flatten you.

	"Quickly," the man added, voice filled with urgency.  "They're almost here. 
 I'll delay them, but you must flee.  Now!"

 ^^
More extra space.

	She shivered at a sudden gust and hugged herself, feeling very alone.  It 
all felt so very surreal: just yesterday, she had been walking home with 
Ranma on a beautiful afternoon.  A visit to a park, print clubs made, 

What are print clubs?

AKANE: Ranma thought joining up with the school newspaper was a dumb
idea, but I convinced him eventually....

cheerful conversation: a day free of worries.  They had gotten along better 
than in months.  The thought of that peaceful moment almost brought a smile 
to her face, but remembering her fiance just brought home how her own 
foolishness had almost gotten him killed.  It made her aloness all the more 

aloneness (I think)

	"This isn't fair!" she moaned, ducking into a narrow alley between houses.  
Alone and lost.  Strange monsters chasing her.  Her friends and family 
hurt--Mr. Saotome, probably dead.  She was penniless.  Nearly naked.  Tears 

Her friends and family hurt -- Mr. Saotome probably dead.

(or maybe)

Her friends and family, hurt -- Mr. Saotome, probably dead.

	"Our single prisoner is still unconscious, but carefully tied up and stowed 
away.  Everyone is busy cleaning up the mess.  Unfortunately, you can't have 
an ambulance pick up a man with a hole through him, without the police 
becoming inquisitive.  There is likely to be some official types arriving 

There are likely to be
("some types" is plural)

	Cologne nodded, and fixed him with an unnervingly serious, appraising gaze. 
 "Bodies, Ranma.  These monsters, it turns out, were all transformed 

 ^^
And still more unneeded spacing. (Look for this elsewhere.)

	"Leave me alone!" she screamed, and kneed him in the groin.  This close, 
she caught a glimpse of some kind of stylized armor hidden beneath his 
coat--something hard and metallic arrested her attack and bruised her knee.  
The impact lifted him off the ground and staggered him.  He punched wildly 
at her.  She blocked out and spun in, her hammerhand catching him in the 
back of the head.  He fell forward--
	--as the other man reached her, the flat of his blade catching her across 
the side.  Akane flew back, pain flaring in her ribs, and bounced hard 
against the wall.  Torn and jagged gate links caught at her school blouse.  

MAN: Hold still so I can rip your clothes! You WILL give us fan service!

	"I'm truly sorry," the second man said, a foreigner, his Japanese heavily 
accented.  He didn't look any older than she did, bright blue eyes dotted 

Suggest: than she did, his bright blue eyes

	The first man, fully recovered, glared at the newcomer.  "Takeshi," he 
said, and spat at her savior's feet.  "How dare you interfere?"
	"Since when does the Order destroy its own charge?  Eager to put yourself 
out of a job?"
	"You dare preach to me?  Dispossessed scum!  Your kind lost that right over 
a century ago."
	The man smirked.  "Even Dispossessed, I remain truer to our original 
purpose than you."
	"Don't you _dare_ take the high ground with me, Takeshi."
	"Why so defensive, Yamashita?  Does the guilt of betrayal still sting?"

AKANE: Time for me to escape while the exposition's going on!

	Ryoho Wakashima was a fifth-grade primary school boy.  He liked the sort of 
things that many boys his age liked: Anpanman, and the Tokyo Giants, and 
role-playing games on his Playstation.  He didn't like school too much, 
hated going to bed early, and despised his older sister.  Sometimes, 
however, you made do with what you had.
	"Sis, please, there's something scary outside!" he pleaded, visibly 
shaking.

Suggest switching the order of these two paragraphs. IMO, it'd be better
to know that Ryo has some connection to the story before launching into
who he is.

	Akane bit back a growl of frustration.  Some instinct told her that she was 
still in danger.  Enemies were drawing close.  She needed to lose herself in 
the crowd, to blend in and shake off pursuit.  Desperation and chance had 
led her this nightclub, a neon-lit bass-thumping dance spot called 'The 
Underground Lounge'.  The man at the door insisted she pay up the 2 500 yen 
cover charge (one drink included) before entering.  How do I explain, she 
wondered, that I lost my wallet to a late-night assault on my home, but that 
I really need to get in off the streets, because sword-wielding lunatics and 
stone-skinned monsters are chasing me?

AKANE: What a brilliant idea ducking in here was. A horde of murdering
monsters isn't going to come in here, not with all these innocent
bystanders around!

	Satisfied, she turned back to the bouncer.  He, however, seemed unimpressed 
and no more likely to allow her to pass.  Akane quickly considered giving 
him a quick pounding, but decided it would be a bad idea.  She was trying to 
_blend_ into the crowd, after all--not start a bar brawl.  She hovered there 
for a moment, torn with indecision, nearly in tears from conflicting 
urges--not really wanting to go in, more convinced than ever that something 
horrible would catch her if she went back, unable to move anywhere, and she 
wished that somebody else was with her, even her sisters: Kasumi could 

somebody else were with her,

	 Mr. Takahashi gave her a brief look-over, and then patted the large man on 
the shoulder.  "That'll be okay," he said.  "I'll cover it."
	"You sure, Mr. Takahashi?"
	"Positive."
	The bouncer stepped aside.  It took her a moment to realize she could pass. 
 Mr. Takahashi flashed a lopsided grin at a bemused Akane, and waved.
	"Your name?"
	"A-Akane."
	He motioned for her to follow.  "Well, A-Akane, you coming in or not?"

AKANE: You aren't doing this in hopes that you'll be able to take
advantage of me, are you?

TAK: Of course not. I'm only letting you in because the monsters are
already waiting for you inside.

AKANE: Oh. All right, then.

	And guilt, she added morosely.  She had seen Ranma's face when he heard of 
what happened to their attackers soon after the fight ended.  Just as she 
had expected, really.  Other people, just like that banker she read about in 
the newspaper.  Now splattered across her house.  And wasn't that exactly 
what she had wanted?  Ranma fighting unhindered by his usual concern for 
others, unhesitant, savage.  Well, she'd gotten what she want, but somehow 

what she wanted,

	"Our captive.  I was told to hide her in the dojo closet."  He gave the 
body a rough shove with his foot, and it rolled over towards her.  The 
beautiful face wreathed in a silken cascade of blue-black hair, eyes closed 
in unconsciousness, was all too familiar: Ayumi Utada, who currently held 
the number one spot on the domestic pop charts.  Half the guys in her dorm 
had her picture up on their wall.

	"Hey!"
	"This bitch," the Chinese martial artist said, still watching the woman, 
"and her family, nearly killed us all.  Do you really think that these. . . 
things, after what they did to Shampoo, deserve _any_ quarter from us?"  He 
eyes flicked back to Nabiki.  "I'd kill her now if Cologne didn't insist we 
might need her later."

MOUSSE: Besides, her latest single really, really sucked.

	"You knew you were fighting people?"
	"Yes."  He nodded.  "Did Ranma?"
	She looked away guiltily.
	"Did you?"
	She sighed.  "Yeah."

NABBY: But let's remember that they weren't people *at that moment,* and
there's still a difference between killing someone who's actively trying
to kill you and killing a helpless prisoner.

MOUSSE: Here's two thousand yen. Now shaddup.

	The waiter returned and placed two drinks on the table.  Her host took a 
small sip from his, and gestured for Akane to accept the other drink.  After 
a brief hesitation she accepted, suddenly realizing how thirsty she was.  
And tired.  She wasn't physically exhausted, despite all the running, but 
she felt emotionally and mentally drained.  It felt surreal to be sitting in 
the VIP lounge of some bar with a man she didn't know buying her drinks.  
She had no doubt that under different circumstances, there was no way she'd 
accept.  I wouldn't normally even walk _into_ a bar like this, she thought.  
And even if I did, this guy would probably be buying drinks for Ranma 
instead.
	She took a tentative sniff of her drink.  "What is it?"
	"Nothing too strong," he said with an absent wave of his hand.  "Enjoy."

TAK: Drink it all. Sometimes the poison's on the bottom.

	"No prob," the DJ said.  "Not bad for a chick.  You free tomorrow night?  
I'm working this new club, I can get you in for free, give you some 
pointers.  Hell, wear some decent threads, something tight, take a shower, 
with a rack like that you'd probably score your own gig no matter how shit 
you are."

RANMA: I'd be positively offended if I had any idea what you were
talking about.

	The girl in the bathroom mirror was tired and dirty.  Too-tight school 
uniform ripped, face smudged with sweat and grime, expression harried, eyes 
dull: I look terrible, Akane thought, and sighed.  She made some nominal 
efforts to straighten herself out.  After running some water in the sink she 
splashed her face, then tried to straighten out her stolen clothes.  With a 
few attempts she even managed to tie the ribbon in front into a proper bow.  
But when she checked herself in the mirror again, little had changed: she 
was still tired and depressed, and still didn't know what to do next.
	Akane stared deep into her own eyes and asked, "What do I do know?"  The 

do now?"

	"No--I haven't eaten anything," she answered, wondering why she'd want to 
eat mushrooms.  She didn't trust them: you never knew when a piece of fungus 
might revert you to the age of a six-year-old.

Well, you did if you measured it first. :)

I have to admit that some of the dialog between the two factions of
baddies struck me as a bit cliched. I've no idea what I'd do about it,
and it *is* in line with the genre, so I dunno what to tell you. Other
than that, another enjoyable chapter with the usual strong writing and
good treatment of the regular cast.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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