In a message dated 12/22/2001 10:44:16 PM US Mountain Standard Time,
brian@azurite.org writes:
Ahh, lovely attachments. Alas, 'tis the only way to send bigger files
> through AOL...
And lovely lovely C&C. Trying to really knock through my backlog of
to-C&C fics.
For which I thank you a great deal! I need the help. You're not a brain
surgeon, but you'll do in a pinch. ^_-
Having no life, the winter break is the perfect opportunity for me to
catch up while everyone else is gone.
Spare time is always fleeting, so why not do something quasi-constructive
while we've got it, eh?
> Many may remember this from a few years back, but a great many
> others may not. Therefore, in preparation for the creation and
> posting of new material on this story, it shall be once again
> subjected to the public for approval or disapproval.
I remember it. And I'm thrilled beyond belief that it's back, though
I strongly suspect that most of my commentary will be useless. :p
Nah, I'll use 'em. It's never too late until the website gets made. ^_^
As always, take or dismiss my C&C as you will, it's generally nothing
more than my opinion, and thusly, something you can completely dismiss.
But not forget...
> "Great, just great," the blonde girl muttered, tossing back one
> of her two long pigtails.
Now, those are LONG pigtails. :p
Indeed they are! I wonder how the original artist got the idea to put those
on her main character...
> She looked into the reflective surface of a darkened shop's
> window, attempting to readjust her ornate, white gown to compensate
> for the dampness. She looked at the golden crescent moon on her
> forehead, then glanced to the two buns on either side of her hair.
> Her appearance was surprisingly elegant, especially considering
> that she was soaked at the moment.
Interesting that it's not horrifically revealing; though Ranma could
just be completely unaware of that fact...
Yeah, I think it's kind of revealing when wet. Looking at the next chapter,
at least there's a surprisingly modest slip under that. Should offer _some_
visual protection.
> Next to her, a much younger girl half-giggled. She was wearing
> a loose, white gi and had a white bandanna tied around her head, just
> beneath her 'rabbit-ear' style pink hair. "I don't know what you're
> complaining about, odango-atama. It's just a little rain."
Genma. Chibi-Usa. I think it'd be much more than just 'loose'. :p
I've wondered that, if the 'canon' curse doesn't affect clothes, how does
that explain the panda? In the original, IIRC, the panda doesn't have anything
on other than its black and white fur.
It's maaaaagic! ^_^
> On the floor inside the garage adjoining the Tendo household,
> a tall, somewhat androgynous short-haired blonde individual chuckled
> as she finished tightening the last bolt on the back wheel of a
> _very_ hyped-up motorcycle.
Hyped, from what I remember, is more in reference to the spoken word,
so this sounds a bit like it's got a big reputation, not that it's
been tricked out. Perhaps, 'suped-up'?
Yes, that could be a better term. And I've seen it written as 'souped-up.'
Makes me think of ramen noodles, but I think it's the right way of putting
it in.
> "Nitro-powered motorcycles?" she asked herself, wiping the
> sweat off her brow as she stood. She took an exhausted breath
> and smiled. "Sure, why not? Could probably top one-fifty on this
> baby now..."
I can tell you honestly -- that's nothing. Unless she thinks that
she's going to be doing that in Tokyo. In that case, she has my
grudging admiration, and if she lives through the attempt, she has
my complete respect.
Fun, fun fun!
Of course, she might have meant 150 MILES per hour, and I'm just
thinking it's Kilometers...
Yes, miles per hour. I'll change it to the kilometer equivalent.
Me and my US distance-measuring bias. ^_^
Reminds me of a joke I heard a while back:
Driving down the road at fourty miles per hour, then I cross the border to
Canada, and the first thing I see is... "103"
(delighted gleam in the eye as the acceleration kicks up)
Getting close to a school... "School Crossing: Slow to 80"
(Blink) "That's the least I can do! Those kids can't run that fast!"
> *Shing*Shing* The daggers severed both cloth "hands" of the
> dummy, pinning them to the wall behind it.
I thought that double-quotes in prose were reserved for speech, and
single quotes were used to offset, that way you could have something
spoken and offset in the same paragraph without confusion.
I could be wrong, however.
It could be either way, I suppose. I think it's a matter of personal style.
There's probably a "correct" way of doing it written in some English textbook
somewhere, but saying "hands" or 'hands' works either way.
> "I'll never do it again," Soun promised emphatically,
> unmoving against the wall.
HAH!
Shock therapy! Gotta get those tears worked out there!
> Rei laughed as she walked over and pulled the knives out
> of the wall, freeing her father. She casually tossed them over her
> shoulder toward the practice dummy, where they made a sort of
> rough "happy face" on its chest. As she tossed the final dagger,
> it hit the side of the weapons rack with a little too much force,
> tipping it over. The numerous bladed objects sprang towards the
> dummy... and imbedded themselves in such a way around the "happy
> face" to look like a perfectly texture-mapped rendition of the
> Mona Lisa. "I thought you knew not to interrupt me while I'm
> practicing."
Again with the quotation, as per my last comment (prior to 'HAH!').
As far as I know, it's okay.
> Going back into his previous euphoric state, he left the dojo.
'going back' sounds a little odd, trailed by the 'left' for the
dojo... not sure what I could suggest, though... :/
How about...?
Falling into his previous euphoric state, the happy father
hurriedly exited the dojo.
> Soun, however, didn't seem to notice. He walked back down the
> stairs, blissfully considering how to present the arrangement to
> his daughters.
Hehehehe...
Hey, it's straightforward enough, isn't it? ^_^
> "Cut the dramatics, Father," Rei said. "Just tell us what's
> going on."
dramatics -- drama (?)
Unsure, merely that I've never seen it that way before.
I think it's fine...
> Their father stopped. "Alright, alright..." he said, taking a
> seat in front of them. "My old friend is coming with another to
> fulfil an agreement we made long ago..."
Threw me off -- never seen 'fulfil' spelled that way, but apparently,
much
like 'ax' and 'axe', it's legit. Don't mind me! ^_^
I was traumatized for life when I discovered that one could spell axe as
both 'ax' and 'axe.' I still haven't quite gotten over it.
The same goes for barbecue, barbeque and BBQ.
> "I'm not the only 'princess' around here, PRINCESS," the
> blonde princess muttered. "And I'm NOT going with you just so I can
> be part of some crazy agreement you made who-knows-when!" She turned
> around and started to walk away. "I'm going back to-"
Used 'princess' twice in quotation and once in prose. I assume that's
intentional, but it seems to be belaboring the point.
Intentional, sort of. I'll change it to something else. Instead of the blonde
princess, I'll just use 'blonde.'
> *CLANG!* A large, white porcelain sink slammed into her head
> from behind. She stopped, and was only able to watch dazedly as the
> younger girl approached her with the Luna-P in her arms.
Beautiful.
One bad pun deserves another. ^_^
> The young princess nodded to herself, looking very determined
> as she carried the larger girl off.
>
>
> Off to the side, two old men sitting on a high balcony had
> been watching the short battle.
Extra newline.
Sometimes, I've used that to designate a _slight_ scene change,
but I guess it can get somewhat unwieldly...
> "Now THAT's what I call going at it like rabbits!" the first
> said to his friend.
>
> The second man nodded. "Yeah, I'd say the situation down
> there was getting a little... HARE-y."
>
> They looked at each other and laughed, pointing at the two
> departing girls. "Oh ho ho ho!"
Ouch...
I love the Muppets. How about you?
> "Well, you never know," the raven-haired girl said, smiling,
> "this one might be cute."
Haruka: Unlike the last few guys that Dad tried to engage us to?
Hmmmmmmmmm......... (Checking the continuity.............)
I think that in this one, Soun's kind of stuck to the idea of enaging his
daughters
to Genma's son.
Still, it's an idea...
> "It's nice to practice with you, Haruka," Rei said, then
> held her shoulders up in a long shrug, "but it's not really a
> challenge anymore. I'm so much... better than you at martial arts."
HARUKA: And so modest, too.
I think Haruka's mostly been leading her sister on, voluntarily throwing
sparring sessions in order to help build the girl's confidence while getting
the REAL stuff practiced in the Kuno household with Michiru.
> "Think back to grade school. Early on," the young girl said.
> "Remember, we both agreed that if you were to have any daughters,
> they'd be engaged to my-"
Grade school?
Another term for elementary or primary school.
> "Soun-kun," the little, pink-haired individual whispered in
> a high, blood-curtling, saccharine voice, "wake uuu-uuuup. We have
> business to discuss!"
curtling -- curdling
Is it? Okay, I'll fix that.
> "Whatever this scheme of yours is," the blonde half-growled,
> "it won't work. I don't want any part of it."
WHy only a 'half' growl?
Speaking while sort of growling. Not a raging primal shriek, but halfway
there. Is there a better way of putting it?
> "It is improper ettiquette to murder in another's home."
>
> Haruka chuckled. "Yeah, leaves too much of a mess."
>
> The pigtailed girl blinked, then gave a sheepish grin. "I
> wasn't going to..." She trailed off, looking down at her ornately
> slippered feet. "Um..."
I love that part.
Glad you do! Sometimes, I wonder just how much the curses are affecting
them mentally.
> The blonde smiled, cracking her knuckles. "Now you're talking!"
Surprised that he can actually crack his knuckles in that form.
Well... How about a compromise? This:
The blonde smiled, cracking her fair, dainty knuckles. "Now
you're talking!"
> She pulled out an oversized metal drill and toyed with it for a
> second before tossing it over her shoulder.
Hehehe...
Visual effects. Can't forget the visual effects!
> The girl narrowed her eyes. "That wasn't funny, Tendo." She
> paused in thought, and smiled after a moment. "Ahem... Souuun-kun,
> if you don't get up right now, I'm going to... GIVE YOU A GREAT,
> BIG HUG AND A KISS!!!"
Eeeeeeeewww...
Shock therapy. Happosai was a more malevolent creature than they could
have imagined...
> "Grade school," the girl reminded. "We lived in Juuban back
> then. Then your family just picked up your entire house and moved
> over here." She looked around. "How'd they move this place, anyway?
> It's huge!"
>
> Soun sighed and held his hands up in a gesture of cluelessness.
> "I don't remember." He looked down at the 'rabbit-eared' girl. "What
> happened to you, old friend? You-"
... now that's odd.
Which part? ^_^
> The sailor-suited blonde nodded, pushing her pigtails behind
> her. "I'm Ranma. Saotome Ranma."
Lovely. Let's see if I can get more C&C done tonight...
Do it! Do it!!!! ^_^
... all this commentary is likely to get me killfiled on a few innocent
bystander's accounts. ^_^;;;
Well, not here. Yet. ^_^
-------------------------------
Benjamin A. Oliver
boredcollective@aol.com
"We are the Bored. Lower your shields and surrender your fics.
We will add your standup and slapstick comedy to our own.
Your humor will adapt to entertain us.
Resistance is and always has been: Futile."
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