Andrew Huang wrote:

On Fri, 21 Dec 2001, Brian Randall wrote:

    Remember, if my C&C is not helpful to you, ignore it in it's entirety. :)

    I'll at least take what you say under advisement. :)

    That's close enough for government work!

 EVA-01 stood in the middle of Tokyo-3, about 1000 meters from the
Angel, now facing him. The black giant squinted, almost curiously, at
the purple giant.

    Woah. Which 'him'?

    'Him' would be Shinji, I guess. Yeah, not that great. This I can
change.

    Not horrible, and it's an easy fix...

    Oh, this is rich. I like this bit.

    Right out of the manga, more or less. :)

    Hmm... maybe I should read that...

    Ritsuko calls them artificial humans. To everyone else, though,
they pretty much are robots. :>

    Fair enough.

    Telnet: EVA03.NERV.Tokyo3.gov

    ... ... ... ...

    Host not found. Unable to negotiate connection.

    *snort*

    Eh, why not? Though it should have been '01'...

 Instead, the roars of a robot filled a city.

    The repetition of the 'r' sound (forget the correct term, sorry) is a
slight detractant, here. Especially since we know they're not
robots... well. I'll let that point slide.

    Alliteration? Eh. :)

    Probably. My memory is shoddy at best.

 What followed next was less a battle and more a brutal thrashing. Both
combatants were tossed around the city by punches, energy blasts, kicks,
and body slams.

    'Energy blasts'? I don't think EVA can do that... or is that a manga
element?

    The Angel's energy blasts. It's not just sitting there taking it,
you know. :)

    Ah, but the implication is that 'both combatants' were using energy blasts...

    midair, air (repetition)

    Ah. Can change that, yes.

    I'm picky about repetition, (though I blow that one often enough in my own writing) so feel free to ignore me.

 "Yeah," answered Misato, faintly. "That's precisely what's happening
right now, I'm sorry to say. It isn't the nice kind of wonder."

    As that reads, Misato just elbowed Ritsuko... is that right?

    Er, no, Ritsuko appeared right next to Misato's elbow. Is this a
phrase that oblique? I know I've seen it used before.

    Maybe just appeared at her side, then?

concentration on his face had put off any conversation. But, one must ask,
what exactly Shinji was thinking so hard about.

    Is the comma after 'ask' in the final sentence neccessary?

    Style thing.

    Oh. Well, in that case, do you want to use a question mark?

 He stared hard back at her. "Ah. This must not be something you like to
talk about. Sorry."

    Lip service. The boy's a predator, I tell ya...

    Actually, he really is as sorry as he can be. Of course, how much
that is....

    Hah! Perfect.

 Shinji smiled. She drank more beer.

    Perhaps Misato's action should be in another line? Merely stylistic,
just looks a little awkward the way it is.

    I'll think about this one.

    Just a suggestion, mind you...

 But Misato could swear she saw him smile genuinely, if only for an
instant. She was certain of it.

    Perfect.

    I like it.

    Thank you. :)

    Heh...

    I'm impressed -- mind if I link you from my webpage?

    Thanks. Sure thing, go right ahead.

    Great! Thanks a bunch. :p

Andrew Huang...Shizumaru@KawaiiMUCK
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/
NAC MAC FEEGLE!