Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][El-Hazard] The Tale of the Jinniyah and the King
From: Vincent Seifert
Date: 12/22/2001, 9:05 PM
To: Phil
CC: ffml@anifics.com


On Sun, 23 Dec 2001, Phil wrote:

Vincent Seifert wrote:

The Tale of the Jinniyah and the King

     "It is told (but only the Eye of God is All-seeing!) that
long ago and far away there was once a young king.  Now this king
was a bad king, for he coveted the lands of neighboring kingdoms
and wasted his soldiers in foolish invasions; he was greedy for
money, and so he taxed his people until they groaned for mercy,
and then he taxed them yet more; and he lusted for the pleasures
of the flesh... but I will not describe his cruel ways with
women, for there are children present.

Ah, Arabian Nights storytelling style. Difficult to write and
impressiveto see it done well here. That said, the first bracket above
feels rather clumsy. Suggest removing it (detracts from the smoothness of
the storytelling elements).

Well, there are two problems with that: first is that it's part of the
Burton-pastiche aspect of this story's style (in particular, it's an
El-Hazardesque adaptation of the "Allaho A'alam, a deprecatory formula,
used because the writer* is going to indulge in a series of what may
possibly be untruths.")

*or teller, in this case

Second, and the reason for the first, is that this tale is intended (like
Burton's translation and his original source material) to be a
transcription of a story presented in an oral tradition, and therefore
rather different from the conventions of written storytelling --
particularly modern conventions.

In fact, I would rather have presented this as an audioplay than a text,
and had I a voice like Ifurita's, I would have.  Alas for lost
opportunities!  :)  But the text is intended to be spoken aloud (albeit by
someone with good diction and vocabulary), and if you try that, perhaps
you will find that the weaknesses of the text become strengths of the
speech. 

The () above and below, for example, is intended to be an
almost-confidential aside to the audience, and the tale uses a much higher
fraction of leading speech attributions than is usual (at least in my
writing) to compensate for the fact that all of the characters have the
same voice: the teller's.  There's also sentence length, and the use of
couplers like "and" and "but" in profusion, which work much better when
one listens to them rather than reading them. 

So I have to leave them as-is, sorry...

     "It came to this king's ears that there slept, on the
Forbidden Island where no one goes (because it is forbidden,
among other reasons), a jinni of great power who would grant
three wishes to whosoever awoke it from its sleep.

     "The adventures that he encountered before he found what he
sought are tales for another time.  Let it suffice to say that
his ship reached the Forbidden Island, and he landed on the
Strand of Woe; he searched out the ancient fortress amid the
wasteland, and wandered a maze of twisty passages, some alike,
until at length he discovered the ruined chamber where the jinni
slept in a crypt of sorcerous light.

'some alike' was confusing. Perhaps 'all alike' might work better.

"A maze of twisty passages, all alike" would be the original, from an
early computer role-playing game (Zork?) which Makoto had played once upon
a time; but not all the passages in Ifurita's fortress are alike, so she
modified it a little.  :) 
 
     "Now, despite the jinniyah's lack of fashion sense, the king
was smitten with her beauty, and in his befuddled state he
remembered another tale he'd heard of how to awaken a sleeping
princess with a kiss.  He seized the key staff, for it obstructed
the pathway of his desire, moved it aside, and bent to kiss those
lips like rubies.  Alas, he did not see that the jinniyah was
rising from her bed even as he bent, and so it came about that
her forehead smote his nose sorely.

This is wonderful: an elegantly sardonic twisting of the Arabianstyle.
Exactly how Ifurita would tell it, IMHO.

Thanks.  (Particularly after she gained a sense of humor.)  :)

     "Ten times he turned the key, as magical lightnings flashed
and crackled about them, and then he could turn it no more... and
the jinniyah's eyes opened.  She took a step away, disengaging
herself from the key in the king's hands, then turned to face
him, held out her hand, and spoke, saying: 'Give me that.'

No maniacal laughter as he winds? :)

Nah, there can be only one Jinnai... hmm, wait a minute, maybe he's a
descendant...  :)
 
     "'No way,' quoth the king, clutching the key staff to him.

And the dialogue is superb. An excellent dichotomous blend of worldly
words with the esoteric storytelling.

Also to show that the jinniyah's speech is archaic, since she's been
asleep so long (you may note that her last speech is much less so).  But
yes, it's mostly for audience-chuckles; glad it worked.  :)

     "At this, the jinniyah stepped forward and wrested the staff
from the king as easily as though she were wresting a lollipop
from a baby, muttering unto herself, 'Another idiot, after all
these years.'  She examined the king with her cerulean eyes,
nodded to herself, and addressed him thusly: 'Hast thou sold thy
soul to Shaitan, lord of all evil beings?'

At least he doesn't laugh like Jinnai.

Yes, that would have gotten a bad reaction, probably.  :)

     "'Then hear me, O Son of Adam!' the jinniyah thundered in a
voice which shook the room, while lights danced within and around
her staff.  'When I went to sleep I vowed that for the first
thousand years I slept, whomsoever would awaken me, to him I
would grant three wishes.'

'Son of Adam'? Did they use this in AN or is it a 'Chronicles of
Narnia'cameo?

I'm pretty sure it's in AN.  Definitely has nothing to do with Narnia,
save that it is possible that I got it from the same place as Lewis...

     "'That's the story I heard, all right,' said the king, 'and
for my first wish--'

     "The jinniyah spoke again, her voice easily overcoming his.
'I vowed that for the second thousand years I slept, whosomever
would awaken me, him I would serve for all of his days!'

     "The king's eyes widened at this, and he said, 'That's even
better than three wishes, isn't it?  But shouldn't it be
"whomsoever"?'

Likely no one on the FFML had any clue that 'whosomever' is alsovalid,
which I'm guessing is correct

Not as far as I know... in fact, I think "whosoever" would be correct
there, but since it's in a quote, it's not my fault.  :) 

and, I think is, why the joke falls
flat. I know I had no idea.

Yes, I don't think this is worth it.  I'll cut it.

     "The jinniyah took no notice of him, continuing in a voice
replete with doom: 'But I also vowed that if the third thousand
years began and I still slept, it would be a sign that all men
had become cowards (not at all like the daring adventurers we had
in the old days), and I vowed that whomsoever would awaken me,
him I would slay with great care and attention to detail.'

Heh, I remember this, but it's usually the genies that are sealed
againsttheir will that develop the 'one thousand, two thousand, three
thousand, and you're dead' complex.

This jinniyah is making it up as she goes along; she made no such vow, and
if he'd been more polite to her when he woke her up, the matter wouldn't
have come up.  :) 

     "After many years the sage grew old, and there came to them
at last the Destroyer of all delights.  But!  The jinniyah (who
had, of course, the eternal life and youth of her kind) had
toiled for many years to prepare a great sorcery, the likes of
which the world had never seen... and, as her beloved's soul
slipped from his body with his last breath, she caught it
tenderly in magical nets of fancy and wonder.  She drew it into
her own heart, and there it took up residence, so that she and
her lover truly became one.  Only the Almighty knows why He
allowed this -- perhaps because it was done for love -- but so it
was.

Death as the 'Destroyer of all delights': very nice allegory.

Not mine; straight out of AN.

The
'But!'feels rather abrupt; maybe a 'But lo!' might be appropriate.

Imagine the storyteller raising an emphatic finger as she says it...
 
     "The jinniyah, hovering overhead, replied 'None but I shall
do thee die!'

Hmm, this dialogue sounds clumsy ('do thee die'?). Perhaps arewording?
And in the other instances below as well.

That's the formula as Burton translated it.  He forced the English to bend
over backwards to preserve both the meaning of the Arabic and the meter of
the translation, and that's an example.

and as she leveled her dreadful staff at him, again
the king fled in fear for his life.  She harried him down to the
Strand of Woe, where his ship lay offshore awaiting his return,
but when the crew of that ship saw the jinniyah swooping to and
fro amid the fires, explosions, and smoke-clouds of her wrath,
their courage failed them.  As the king plunged into the water
and swam for the ship, they swiftly weighed anchor and made off
at the ship's best speed, piling on sail until the yardarm-
projectors grew hot as coals.  The king swam after them in vain,
for the jinniyah continued to pursue him, and so the sailors
dared not turn back.

'yardarm projectors'? What are they?

The things they have on those nifty El-Hazard ships that project the
sails... had to call 'em something.  :)

     "As for the jinniyah, she left that kingdom soon after...
and it may be that she wanders this world even yet, for she is
never alone."

     The audience gathered in the village marketplace was silent
for a while, hoping that that was not the end of the tale, but it
was.  And then a brave child asked, "Did all that really happen?"

     The tale-teller laughed, not loud or long, but with such joy
and love of life that the hearts of all who heard were lightened
by it.  "Oh, yes, it all really happened," she said.

And this is perfect. I didn't see this coming at all (though I
shouldhave :). Wonderful twist to have Ifurita telling her own story!

I had to contrive a happy ending for "Caryatid" and "Paradise"... :)

Thanks to Sir Richard Burton for translating the "Alif Laylah wa
Laylah", whence I filched certain plot and style elements.

Overall, very nicely told/written. Good to see you back in top form,
Vince. Keep it up!

Phil.

Thanks, I'll try!  And thanks for the comments.

Vince Seifert    Fanfic Analyst   FFIRC Frog
Prime:  seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.

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