Andrew Huang wrote:

I sent this out during the recent downtime. I also sent out the second
chapter, but after getting some comments from the EFML, I'm going to hold
off resending that until I do some revisions. The first chapter, though,
is pretty much done. Here you go.

    Sorry about this one being so late on the response. I've been slacking off, but you know, Real Life, and whatnot... �_�

  This assumes definite knowledge of the action and events of
Evangelion. There are some elements of the manga within.

    Well, I'll have to hope I can guess the manga bits, then. Is this an altaverse?

  Odd, how they ran off like that. At least they undid the handcuffs
before disappearing.

    Nice opening -- makes me wonder what's going on.

  He looked at the photo in the folder they had given him before
departing, and pushed down the small surge of hormones that arose (no need
for such a meaningless adolescent reaction), blinking a few times. No bad
ID mug shot, this one. "Look at this" had been scrawled on it, pointing to
her, ah, assets. Not that Shinji really needed this photo to identify
Captain Katsuragi; he had already seen that bad ID mug shot in that NERV
database....

    Parenthetical asides are a detractant (or so I'm told) so you might want to offset that with dashes, or, you might be better served by ignoring me entirely. :)

  Huge, mostly black, and ugly. Aircraft popped up from nowhere,
surrounding it like gnats--and then getting swatted down like gnats, by
this giant. Missiles and artillery opened up on it, without effect. The
explosions sent huge rumbles through the area, knocking Shinji to his
knees, and produced huge cracks in the sidewalk and building behind him.
The thing moved, causing more destruction.

    I want to say repetition of gnats, but as it is, it just _works_. So you might as well leave it alone. :p

  "Angel," he whispered. Then he picked up a chunk of concrete, and, with
a cold glint in his eyes, threw it at the creature, for all the good that
would do. It continued moving, oblivious to the boy in its path. Shinji
picked up another fragment of debris, but before he could throw it, a blue
car screeched to a halt in front of him. The door popped open, revealing--
"Captain Katsuragi?"

    Very cold analysis. Intriguing.

  They drove a few minutes more, the sounds of carnage slowly fading
behind them. Shinji turned around in his seat, straining against the belt,
to watch the battle, if it could really be called such a thing. Finally,
some distance out from where they had started, they stopped by the
roadside. Pulling out a pair of binoculars, Misato stepped out of the car,
followed by Shinji. She watched for a moment. "Aircraft pulling away...
DAMN! N2 mine! Get DOWN!"

    I might have missed it, but you allude to 'sounds of carnage' here -- were they mentioned before?

  The two were now driving again, having somehow survived the explosion.
The car was going as fast as it could, which wasn't very.

    'somehow'? Not sure _that_ works...

  They continued in silence. Despite his earlier words, Shinji flipped
through the manual to pass the time. He smiled to himself secretly; though
he had been the one arrested for hacking into the database, he wasn't the
one who had really done so. He hadn't the skills for such a thing. But he
had an acquaintance who was willing to supply him with a script that would
do it for the right sum and a reassurance that he wouldn't be nailed for
it. Of course not. Shinji took the blame, was taken in by NERV. Just as
according to plan. Because then they made him an offer that he simply
couldn't turn down.

    'blame, was' this is somewhat jarring, but could probably be overlooked in the name of stylism. You _might_ want to add an 'and' there, but that's merely a suggestion.

  After a short while, they arrived at a rail depot. Misato parked her car
on one of the platforms, which began to roll down the tracks, into the
ground. After a few moments of darkness, they burst out into--

  "The Geofront."

  "Yes." Damn it, what does this kid not know? He couldn't have read all
those files, could he?

    This, on the other hand, is more jarring, since it's a sudden leap from Shinji's PoV, to Misato's.

  "They've arrived."

  "Excellent, Fuyutsuki. Ah, send Ritsuko to meet them. You know how the
Captain is, sometimes. We do not have that much time."

    'Is, sometimes'? Curious. I wonder if this Gendo is as different as this Shinji...

  "_That_ is Evangelion. Test type Unit 01." Ritsuko looked at the
purple giant, almost...proud.

  "A giant robot?"

  "Not quite. She's more like an artificial human."

    Woah. I thought that they were concealing that information to the very end. Would Ritsuko bandy that information about so casually?

  Ritsuko spoke. "Shinji, I know it's hard, but--"

  "I'll do it."

  "--it's the only choice that we what did you say?"

    I like this. Shinji's not got spine -- that would be too easy. He's got too _much_ spine.

  Gendou smiled and nodded to Shinji. He was the one, all right. The
commander turned off his microphone, and pressed another button on his
console. The image of the Subcommander of NERV sprang up on a monitor.
"Fuyutsuki, you can take Rei off standby. This has been easier than I had
imagined."

  "Yes, Commander."

  Turning off that communication link, Gendou smiled faintly, watching
Misato and Ritsuko hurry Shinji over to the ladder. The boy believed it
all. The anger, the hate. The plan was perfect.... As he turned back
toward the console, his eyes landed on the purple humanoid once more. He
sighed softly. "I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't have approved," he
murmured. Shaking his head, he walked over to his station, to oversee the
impending operation.

    He smiles, but he never stopped smiling from the previous large paragraph.

  "Yes. You could have warned me about the LCL, though. I do hate
surprises."

    Is that the voice you want Shinji to use? Is worded in a very proper manner...

  The sudden burst of speed slammed Shinji back into his seat. He
grimaced, but a grimace is not too terribly different from a smile. As he
rocketed through the tunnels to the surface, Shinji whispered, "You took
my parents away...you took my life away...I'm going to get you now."

  "What was that, Shinji?" asked a voice through the comm.

    'comm.'?

  He finally reached the surface, with a jarring thud. He shook his head
to clear it, then peered around. Lumbering into view was the now-
regenerated Angel. An unholy grin alighted on his lips, and he chuckled
softly.

    His, or the Angel's?

  "You're mine. Oh, yes."

End chapter one.

    I generally don't care for EVA fanfics -- my fault because I resent EoE -- but this one intrigues me.

Andrew Huang...Shizumaru@KawaiiMUCK
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/
NAC MAC FEEGLE!