Andrew Huang wrote:

    Revised a little. Tell me what you think, please.

  This assumes definite knowledge of the action and events of
Evangelion. There are some elements of the manga within.

    What I said before. :p

    Remember, if my C&C is not helpful to you, ignore it in it's entirety. :)

  EVA-01 stood in the middle of Tokyo-3, about 1000 meters from the
Angel, now facing him. The black giant squinted, almost curiously, at
the purple giant.

    Woah. Which 'him'?

  "Stop."

  Step.

  "Stop, dammit!"

  "Shinji, what's--"

  "Fine. If you're going to be that way, then CHARGE!"

    Oh, this is rich. I like this bit.

  "RRRGH! Get off, get off my arm, get off getoffgetoff--" The robot's
left hand was clawing ineffectively at the Angel.

    Just one brief question -- if you explained that they weren't robots in the prior chapter, why keep calling them that here?

  The Evangelion made feeble efforts to disengage the Angel's grip. The
pounding kept going, and suddenly, the spike sliced straight through the
head of the robot, sending it flying across the city, landing with a
sickening crunch against a building. Blood-like fluid spouted from the
wound.

    The head, or the whole EVA?

  The control room was reduced to chaos. Shouts of, "Pilot monitors are
down!" mingled with, "We have to get him out of there!" The technicians
frantically tried to reset connections to the pilot plug and the rest of
the EVA, attempting both to find out what was going on and perhaps get
some control of Unit 01. Nothing happened.

    Telnet: EVA03.NERV.Tokyo3.gov

    ... ... ... ...

    Host not found. Unable to negotiate connection.

  Instead, the roars of a robot filled a city.

    The repetition of the 'r' sound (forget the correct term, sorry) is a slight detractant, here. Especially since we know they're not robots... well. I'll let that point slide.

  What followed next was less a battle and more a brutal thrashing. Both
combatants were tossed around the city by punches, energy blasts, kicks,
and body slams.

    'Energy blasts'? I don't think EVA can do that... or is that a manga element?

  It leapt straight at the Angel, spinning in midair to deliver a kick
that sent it hurtling through the air, smashing through some more
buildings. Another pounce, this time to drive its fist into the Angel's
face. And another attack, and another, and another.

    midair, air (repetition)

  "Ever seen something that inspires a sense of wonder that overwhelms
you, sweeps you along helplessly?" asked Ritsuko, who suddenly appeared at
Misato's elbow.

  Crunch. Thud. Wham.

  "Yeah," answered Misato, faintly. "That's precisely what's happening
right now, I'm sorry to say. It isn't the nice kind of wonder."

    As that reads, Misato just elbowed Ritsuko... is that right?

  "...yeah. And, you know, I should feel happier about that than I
actually do."

    Heh.

  Shinji pulled himself upright and looked. This had to be a hospital
room. The only other place that he had recently been in that was as coldly
white as this was that room in the juvenile detention center where they
had the psychological evaluation.

    HEH!

  The nurse glanced at him wordlessly, then placed the bed next to his and
exited the room. Shinji decided to speak. "You are...the First."

  Slowly, Rei turned her head to look at him. "Yes."

    Shinji (drawing a sword): Well, there can be only ONE.

  She nodded back once more, then turned her head to face the ceiling, and
closed her eyes to rest. He watched her for a few moments longer, before
lying back down.

    Interesting.

  Misato pondered the day's events. "It would be convenient," the boy had
said, when the offer was made to stay with her, instead of living alone.
That response was somehow odd.... Yes, it would be convenient, of course--
that was one of the reasons she thought of the idea. But there was
something about the way he had said it, as if something as important as
his permanent living arrangements here were just an afterthought. But
then, this boy seemed to have a lot on his mind. He hadn't said anything
since leaving NERV HQ, and not because he was shy. The look of intense
concentration on his face had put off any conversation. But, one must ask,
what exactly Shinji was thinking so hard about.

    Is the comma after 'ask' in the final sentence neccessary?

  "She stopped trying to kill herself then, but according to statements
from her who survived the Impact, she also stopped trying to live. She
ate barely enough to keep the both of us alive. And once I was born, she
stopped altogether. I guess she just gave up and died, then."

    'From her who' I'm guessing there a missing word here -- friends? Family? Associates?

  He stared hard back at her. "Ah. This must not be something you like to
talk about. Sorry."

    Lip service. The boy's a predator, I tell ya...

  Shinji smiled. She drank more beer.

    Perhaps Misato's action should be in another line? Merely stylistic, just looks a little awkward the way it is.

  Without even waiting for a response--which he wasn't likely to give, as
he was all but gaping at her in total confusion--she whirled away,
crossing her arms. "I don't understand. I've lived on this stuff for
years, so it couldn't be bad. No one appreciates my culinary style. The
mingling of flavors in an exquisite balance--"

  "...it was curry powder and instant beef stock--"

  "--painstakingly mixed! Yes. You're just like everyone else." She
finished with an indignant sniff, then slyly glanced at him to see his
reaction.

    Beautiful.

  She laughed. She laughed, and laughed, and laughed. "Finally! Cracked
that cool exterior of yours! You know, you're kind of cute when you're not
so damn serious."

    Nice.

  But Misato could swear she saw him smile genuinely, if only for an
instant. She was certain of it.

    Perfect.

    I like it.

  Her heart sank. You wanted someone enthusiastic, willing to train,
willing to do a good job. But this wasn't right. There was an edge. This
wasn't enthusiasm, this was battlelust. The look on his face...the kind of
smile she didn't like. Not like the one she saw after dinner--if she'd
really seen it at all.

  "...crush the next Angel. Absolutely."

  No. It frightened her.

    Nice interplat.

End chapter two.

    I'm impressed -- mind if I link you from my webpage?

Andrew Huang...Shizumaru@KawaiiMUCK
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/
NAC MAC FEEGLE!