Another nice installment. I warn you, though, I'll have to
complain about your treatment of Miyuki and Natsumi.
Not much real advance in the characterization of your heros
or any overall plot, but well-written as it stands.
but I'd really like to know exactly how is it that I can be
standing in the
middle of an American desert one moment, and then a flash of
light later,
the next thing I know I'm waking up in the middle of China
wearing nothing
but a pair of torn purple pants? I've never owned purple
pants in my entire
life! Purple pants look stupid! SO WHY AM I IN THEM NOW?!"
"RANMA! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"
(Can't remember if you covered it, but this Ryouga still
turns into a two-ton, green boar, right? So he should still
have a grudge against Ranma.)
"I know somehow this is all your fault, Ranma! Thanks to you,
I'm going through hell once again!"
Oh, HERE'S the grudge. Still, this kind of negates the "looking
for the reason for it all" tone you had earlier; if Ryouga is
convinced that Ranma is at fault for everything, then that IS
the reason for it all.
The whole thing worked well enough for me on first reading, but
seems to suffer on a closer look, for what it's worth. But I
like the close look at the two Chinese peasants and their
thought processes.
BTW: The idea for the opening here was created in my mind
long before the
events of Sept. 11. Just in case someone thought I wrote that
part as some
sort of reaction to it, this is not the case.
One of the minor fallouts from those events is that terrorism
isn't as funny anymore. I sort of cringe inside myself when
I re-read my own "Twelve Knights". A pity, as it used to be
good for a few laughs to depict really clueless or imcompetent
terrorists.
"But we are terrorists," Hasam pointed out.
"Freedom fighters for the homeland," both Fekish and the
Colonel said as one.
I don't suppose you could have fitted a "our worst enemies
are our rival freedom fighter organizations" joke in here,
a la Monty Python's "Life of Brian"?
All too quickly they arrived at Tokyo Airport, and Hasam was
not any closer to a solution than before.
Minor (I suppose) plausibility nit: which airport? Given
that this is an international flight they're trying to
board, that would be Narita, way too far out for most of
the rest of this story. Haneda, which is not infrequently
portrayed in some anime, is actually in Tokyo but is
almost exclusively domestic flights.
Suggest: they're boarding a domestic flight, say to Osaka
on one of those JAL 747s specially modified to seat 600+
by putting people on the cargo deck. This would be the
maximal way to kill people on a single plane. And change
above to say "Tokyo's Haneda airport".
"I think that hot looking chick has got to be at least a,"
Ryo Saeba held out his hands in the woman with the tan vest's
Ack! What's City Hunter doing here?
general direction, and cupped them, squeezing slightly as if
testing the ripeness of a pair of invisible tomatoes. "38-C,"
Ryo concluded.
Good characterization for him, though! ;)
Kyo Saeba looked between the hands and the breasts in the
distance. "Hmm. Sorry, Kaori. I'm afraid I have to go with Ryo.
He has a twin?
...Pretend for just one second you got your job based on actual
abilities instead of the fact your uncle is in charge of the
force.
I find this disconcerting, to stick in a cameo of a reasonably well-
known anime figure and then vary from the established characterization.
If this is City Hunter, why isn't he pulling out his illegal gun
and making some impossible long-distance shot, after a sudden personality
shift from lustful idiot to James Bond? If this is NOT City
Hunter, why name him that way? (Nobody who knows City Hunter
seriously wonders "why" he got any given job; only those who are
just meeting him for the first time wonder this.)
I'm not sure what your intention is with this cameo, so I don't
know what to suggest.
As their trenchcoats hit the ground, both men pulled their
masks on and stood revealed before the law enforcement personnel
in all their brightly dressed glory. The larger man wore a full-
bodied costume. It was plain brown around the hands and lower
arms, along his boots and lower legs, and across his pelvis,
shoulders, upper chest and mask. A dark orange covered the few
remaining areas of his costume. Only the area around his eyes
and mouth was cut out, allowing him to see and breather easier.
The smaller man wore a costume that was dull yellow, only
broken up by blue along his hands and upper arms, and on his
boots. A large blue 'W' was in the center of his chest. The
only other odd feature were a tiny set of white
wings on his mask, located around the ears.
Now THESE are a couple of pretty obscure Marvel supervillains;
I didn't place either costume until they gave out their names
below.
"It's obvious. With your name, and the color of your yellow
costume, you can
only have one super power..."
"...That of super peeing," Ryo finished.
Heh.
day when she spotted a quick movement below. Two female
police officers bolted out of a restaurant and into their
car. On a whim, Hawkeye shot a cable arrow into the ground
next to the rear driver's door and slid down the
length of cable even as the car started up.
Problem: Miyuki's Honda 'Today' doesn't have rear doors.
driver's badge. "Kobayakawa-san, I'm one of the heroes that's
new to this town, name's Hawkeye. You need any assistance?"
The pair looked the archer over cautiously. Kobayakawa was
the first to speak. "I remember you. Aoi said you helped him
nail some would-be rapists last week."
"Saturday night," Hawkeye confirmed.
Shouldn't Ukyou be reacting to Miyuki's use of "him" for Aoi-chan?
And my first characterization nit is with Miyuki being first
to speak. She'd stop to think here, whereas nobody's ever accused
Natsumi of thinking before she speaks.
"Let him in," Tsujimoto whispered in Kobayakawa's ear. "Since
we're dealing with superpowered bad guys, we can use the help.
And there's no way Natsumi would say such a thing, though Miyuki
might. Natsumi would be quite confident that she's stronger than
the SPB's.
Besides, he's wearing tights and has a seriously hot ass. This
might be our only chance to hit on a major hunk."
After the YUA movie, the two of them would have enough of a rep
throughout Tokyo that they'd be requested by name for any situation
which dragged in superheros.
But, IMO this is quite like Natsumi to react like this to a hot guy,
as long as they're not arrogant.
"I'm not that superficial," Kobayakawa said.
Tsujimoto gave her a warning stare. "How long have we been partners?"
Kobayakawa considered that and sighed. "Fine, I am. But I'm
more subtle about it than you."
I think it would be more like Natsumi to remind Miyuki that she
CAN'T look, as she has Nakajima.
Officers Kobayakawa and Tsujimoto pulled up in front of the
airport, joining a handful of other police vehicles that had
also arrived there.
"So where do you think the super-villains are?" Kobayakawa
asked as she tried to find a decent place to park.
A one meter ball of twisted plastic and metal, the remnants of
a sushi stand, came hurtling through one of the walls of the
airport and landed squarely on the hood of their car, caving in
the entire front portion of the vehicle and forcing it to an
instant standstill.
I expected Natsumi to leap out, catch it, and throw it back.
Or at least step out, lift it off the hood, with grunts, then
throw it back with a 'kiai'.
two officers cringing in anguish as they stared helplessly out
their shattered front window and at the remains of what had been,
five seconds ago, their pride and joy.
"That's the third one this month," Kobayakawa wailed. "The
chief's going to bust us to a street beat for sure."
It's Miyuki's pride and joy, not Natsumi's; the latter wouldn't care,
except for the effect on Miyuki. OTOH, Miyuki should be giving
a stare in the direction of the bad guys that would give them
pause if they're looking. And, given that Miyuki is going to
do the repairs anyway, why does the chief care?
Might have been funny to have Miyuki grab her paintball pistol
and go running in to shoot the bad guys in the eyes.
Actually, this whole YUA cameo is another instance of what I
cited above, w.r.t. City Hunter. Why cameo if you're going to
depart from established characterizations? Those who recognize
the cameo aren't going to enjoy it.
I mean, let's get serious: Miyuki, Natsumi, and Saeba Ryo
between them might be able to stop Mint and Lime without any
help from your heros at all, given the weapons Ryo never
seems to be without. But you aren't giving us any of their
above-ordinary talents at all.
when taken individually, but they went together like oil and
maple syrup. Akane knew that was a bad mix. She had tried it
in Home Economics, and it hadn't turned out well at all.
Heh.
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'