"William Morse" <montanto@hotmail.com> wrote:

"I'm sorry, Miko, I'm afraid I'm not much of a party person," Kasumi looked 

person." Kasumi looked
(The looking down isn't telling us that she said the line of dialog;
it's a separate action, and so a separate sentence.)

down at the floor stirring the ice in her drink. She felt just a little 
guilty, Miko had gone to a lot of trouble to get the tickets for the gala, 
they were very expensive and there had been a very long waiting list.

You have a real problem with run-on sentences. For example, that last
bit is actually three sentences run into one:

1) She felt just a little guilty.
2) Miko had gone to a lot of trouble to get the tickets for the gala.
3) They were very expensive and there had been a very long waiting list.

In general, if you can split a sentence into two complete sentences
(with subject and verb and without any dangling conjunctions), then you
have to either split it or join the two sentences by an "and" or some
such.

Still there were factors that worried her, for example what the insane mob, 
that made up the rest of her family and friends, would do to the house while 

The commas are only used to set off a descriptive clause if you don't
explicitly say that it's a descriptive clause, which "that made up" does
here.

what the insane mob that made up the rest of her family and friends
would do to the house

the insane mob, the rest of her family and friends, would do to the
house

she was gone. She had solved the most immediate problem by ordering take out 

take-out

before leaving. That would keep her kitchen safe. She scolded herself under 
her breath when she remembered she phoned the first number on her list out 

she had phoned

of habit, which was the Nekohaten. She hoped Shampoo would behave herself 

Check the spelling on that name.

for a change as she calculated how much bricks and motor she had left from 

mortar	(electronic spell-check strikes again! :P)

"Don�t look at me like that, Kasumi," Miko exclaimed reading her friends 

exclaimed, reading her friend's

"If you say so, Kasumi," Miko smiled rolling her eyes, "but that doesn�t 

Kasumi." Miko smiled, rolling her eyes. "But
(Again, "smiled" isn't referring to the dialog, so it's a separate
sentence, and you need a comma to separate the two actions, or else it
sounds like "smiled rolling" is a single action.)

mean you have to live your life alone taking care of your family. I mean, 

KASUMI: I don't, silly. I live my life with my family taking care of my
family.

"It will certainly not crumble," Kasumi looked at Miko temporarily amazed. 

crumble." Kasumi looked at Miko, temporarily
(as above)

""See now, come with me. I'm not going to let you blend into the scenery 

Stray quote mark.

this time!  Let's start with getting you something stronger then that 
water!" Miko grabbed Kasumi by the arm dragging her towards the bar.

KASUMI: Double green tea, please. No chaser.

The next hour went much better. Kasumi managed to mingle with Miko's 

You might want to put a scene breaker before this paragraph, to mark the
passage of time.

constant prodding and even talked with several attractive men. Though there 
was no one she really wanted to dance with. "You're not trying hard enough, 
Kasumi," Miko said exasperated.

Miko said, exasperated.

"Please, Miko, I'm having a great time here. You don�t have to do anything 
more, really," Kasumi waved her hand frustrated spilling her merlot right 

really." Kasumi waved her hand, frustrated, spilling

Her victim was a tall man dressed in a tailored black suit now stained by 
Kasumi's red wine. "I'm so sorry, let me do something. Get me some seltzer 
and a towel, now!" she called to the bartender who responded immediately. 
"This will get the worst of it out," she began to dab the man's shirt, "but 

out." She began to dab the man's shirt. "But

you should get it washed as soon as possible I can't tell you just how sorry 

possible. I can't
(unless the period is deliberately missing to indicate that Kasumi is
nervously running her sentences together, in which case it's fine)

I am, Mr. . . . . ."

Ellipses are three dots, or four if you include a period to end the
sentence. (Five is right out!) Look for this elsewhere.

She finally got a good look at the man. He was ruggedly handsome, fitting 
his suit perfectly. He was older than her, twenty-one at least. The first 
thought that came to Kasumi's mind was an adult Ranma except his gaze was 
far more intense and his hair was shorter. The only flaw she could see was a 
small and very old scar on his chin. "Taka," he chuckled, Taka . . . . . . . 
. . .. Suzuki."

"Bond. SAVINGS Bond."

You're missing a quote mark when he starts speaking again. You might
also want to avoid spacing out your ellipses (... rather than . . .);
while there's really nothing wrong with the second way of doing it, it
causes problems in plain text with lines wrapping in the middle of an
ellipsis.

"Compensation? Now let me see, what can you do that can possibly make up for 
this terrible tragedy?" Taka grinned studying her intensely. "I'm afraid I'm 
going to have to be very severe with you Ms. Tendo and demand the next 

you, Ms. Tendo, and

Their first dance was pleasant, the second was wonderful, and when they took 
a break talking pleasantly surprised that they shared interests in reading 
materials and a sense of humor. In their third dance, a slow dance, they 

Can't we see some of that? Seems important enough to the story to be
shown in some detail.

"This is wonderful, Mr. Suzuki," Kasumi whispered hugging the man tightly 

whispered, hugging

"Taka, please, and I'm so glad you're enjoying yourself Kasumi, I haven't 

yourself, Kasumi. I

Taka looked down into Kasumi's and smiled. "I'm not sure if that�s a good 

Into Kasumi's what? ^_^;;;

idea, Kasumi, but I hope so, I truly hope so. Good night Kasumi," Taka 

Good night, Kasumi." Taka

Kasumi watched Taka walk away as she raised her hand to her face memorizing 

face, memorizing

"That was amazing Kasumi!" Kasumi turned to see Miko grinning from ear to 

amazing, Kasumi!"

"As if the god's themselves arranged it."

gods

(Use apostrophes only for contractions ("This is a god's work!") or
possessives ("A god's looking out for you.") Never for plurals.)

"But he left without giving me his phone number, and he said it was better I 
didn�t see him again. Miko, you, you don�t think he's married do you?"

married, do you?"

Taka walked back to his sports car trying not to think about those brown 
eyes he could drown in if he stared to long, those hands which held on to 

stared too long,

He had to forget her while he still could. This was not some call girl he 
could leave without guilt, or someone to use for future strategies. This was 
some one who had to be protected, worshiped.

someone

"If you want to act all mysterious and intimidating, save it for the 
clients," he said out loud, "I'm not in the mood."

loud. "I'm

"Uncle could have paged me," Taka pinched the bridge of his nose annoyed.

me." Taka

nose, annoyed.

"The schedule on your client has been moved up," the girl handed Taka a slip 

up." The

of paper who frowned as he read its contents. "The problem must be dealt 

The paper frowned? You might want to re-word.

"But I've barely finished researching him and working out the contingencies 
. . . . .. Well if Uncle says the schedule has been moved to next week the 
customer is always right.

Well, if

week, the

GIRL: And if Uncle doesn't say that?

TAKA: Then the customer is full of it.

Tuesday, everything will be dealt with on 

Tuesday. Everything

"Taka Suzuki?

Missing end quote mark.

For the first time Taka turned to look at the girl. "How long were you 

time, Taka

"If you have to ask silly questions like that she must be special, I'm very 

that, she

special. I'm

Taka glared as he watched Itachi's smile grow broader. "I will speak with 
uncle Tuesday night," he turned back and started up the car. He knew she was 

night." He

out of the car the minute he gave her the message, he could hear her 

message. He

giggling in a nearby tree. "Amateur," he muttered to himself. Why Uncle had 

TAKA: Darn wood nymphs!

promoted her to genin so early was beyond him.

What's a genin?

ITACHI: What is your wish, master?

"You�ve got to believe me, Akane, it's not what it looks like!" Ranma 
protested in desperation. Without Kasumi's moderating influence the night 
had gone downhill after dinner.

Actually, Kasumi rarely exerts any influence over these guys in the
manga. An occasional nudge in the right direction, but mostly she just
stays out of things.

It had all started when Shampoo refused to leave after she delivered diner.  

I hope she only delivered *dinner.* Carrying over the entire Cat Cafe
would be quite a feat even for her. ^_^;;;

To make matters worse, they had returned to their natural forms just in time 
for Mousse to show up looking for her. He attacked Ranma in an attempt to 

Suggest: looking for Shampoo.	(Which "her" isn't clear from the
sentence structure)

"protect Shampoo's honor" Ranma beat him easily sending him flying through 

honor."

easily, sending

the screen door leaving a gaping hole. To make matters worse Mousse had left 

worse, Mousse

several swords, a dozen throwing knives and an axe embedded in the wall. 

knives, and

(when connecting a list of more than two things with a conjunction, they
get set off by commas.)

"Kasumi!" Akane gasped, "I'm sorry about the mess, I can explain 

mess. I

"That's quite all right, Akane, I'm sure you and Ranma can get it cleaned up 

Akane. I'm

"Well you heard her," Akane whispered to Ranma as she watched Kasumi leave, 

"Well, you

"why don�t you get rid of all of Mousse's junk out of here while I get the 

leave. "Why

broom."

"Me? Why me?" Ranma demanded.

"I'm doing my part too, you jerk! Come on, you saw how she was smiling!"

"She's always smiling!"

"Not like that, so please don't ask questions."

"Shampoo scared. Where Nice Girl keep spackle?"

I liked this bit. It's very much like Kasumi to have this effect on them
without her intending to.

Kasumi smiled as she sipped her almond mocha and watched the people walk 
down the sidewalk. The coffee shop had opened open just a month ago and had 
quickly become Kasumi's favorite retreat from the madness of the dojo. Since 

Suggest: become her favorite	(already talking about Kasumi)

The last few days had gone very well. Everyone had been very well behaved in 

well-behaved

her presence and very polite. If was going to be the usual result she should 

If this was	(or something like that; missing a word)

Kasumi looked up from her cheesecake to see a well-dressed man carrying a 
bouquet of roses wearing dark glasses, there was a very familiar  scar on 
his chin. "Mr. Suzuki!" she exclaimed.

KASUMI: Enough of this cheesecake -- here's my beefcake!

"Kasumi!" Taka turned in surprise, "what are you doing here?"

surprise. "What

"I'm glad to see you too, Mr. Suzuki, I've been . . . .she paused for a 

been...." She

second, "are those for your wife?" she asked pointing at the bouquet.

second. "Are

asked, pointing

"My what?"

KASUMI: It means "female spouse."

"Or your girlfriend. I'm sorry for being so rude but when you left so 
abruptly at the party I just thought that perhaps, whoever is getting those 
flowers must be very lucky."

You've got two sentences run together there, and the first one looks
like it's cut off at the end. If Kasumi didn't finish her thought, then
you might want to put in some ellipses or something to show that she
trailed off.

Taka looked down at the flowers as if noticing them for the first time. "I'm 
afraid I wouldn�t know, these are for a client. I'm afraid I'm depressingly 

know. These

"I'm sorry to hear that," Kasumi said very relieved.

KASUMI: NOT.

said, very

"Oh it's not as bad as it sounds it's just that the family business requires 

sounds. It's

me to travel so much. And the girls in the town we're based in. Well, you 

Those girls do what? Need a verb for this sentence.

know how it is I grew up with all of them, it's almost like dating your 

is. I

them. It's

sister."

"I see," Kasumi nodded sympathetically.

see." Kasumi

"It doesn�t stop me from looking though," he smiled.

looking, though." He

"I should hope not," Kasumi frowned trying desperately to serious. They both 

"Serious" isn't a verb.

Taka stared at Kasumi surprised by the insight. "Yes. Yes, exactly, you 
could almost say I'm a cleaner."

Kasumi swooned.

I like her reaction here, and the double meaning is clever and fits
quite well, but it loses something in the way it's conveyed. What does
it mean that she "swooned," exactly? Give us enough specifics to convey
the real feel of the experience, either as if we're Kasumi, or as if
we're someone else present who's seeing her react.

They talked for another fifteen minutes Kasumi told Taka everything about 

minutes. Kasumi

her life, about keeping the dojo from falling apart and keeping various 
family members from killing each other.

Even if that were true, I doubt Kasumi would see it that way.

Kasumi covered her mouth as she gasped. "Do you really think so? I'm so 
close to all of it I take it all for granted." She looked around for a 
second and leaned closely to Taka. "Do you really think people would read 
it? She whispered conspiratorially.

it?"	(missing ")

"Millions," Taka grinned and glanced at his watch. "Oh damn, is that the 

"Millions."

Taka looked at the napkin thrust in front of him for a long time as if 
fighting some inner battle. Only if you call me Taka, Kasumi," he said 

"Only	(and another

putting the napkin in his pocket.

said, putting

So what's with you anyway? Some of the boys said you were on loan from the 

"So

Taka raised an eyebrow as he placed a mustache under his nose. "Yeah," he 
replied, that�s right." A wig with gray flecks finished the look. He studied 

"that's

his appearance in a mirror. It wasn�t a masterpiece but then he wasn�t 
trying to impersonate anyone. All he needed to be was a face in the crowd. 
"Let's do it," he grinned.

it." He

The client was a short man who sweated easily and gasped uncomfortably as he 

If this is the guy getting bumped off, he isn't the client. The client
is the guy paying Taka to bump this guy off -- unless mob hit men use a
really weird jargon that I'm not aware of.

waddled through the crowd. As unimpressive as he looked he had over the past 
few years gained control over many local institutions. While there was much 
talk of corruption none of it involved it him being under anyone's control. 

corruption, none

Despite his terrible health the man still insisted on walking home on his 

health, the

own everyday like clockwork. At this distance no one noticed a man in his 

every day

forties walking through the crowd carrying a bouquet of roses. Taka moved 
easily through the mass of people, as he got close to the client he stumbled 

people. As

pushing the flowers into the client's chest.

stumbled, pushing

"I'm sorry, Sir, I wasn�t looking where I was going," Taka grabbed the man 
by the shoulder pushing the bouquet harder. The client gasped as the thin 

shoulder, pushing

blade hidden inside the flowers slipped easily between his ribs. "Sir? Are 
you all right?" Taka asked concerned. The hand holding the roses flicked 

asked, concerned.
(In what way was he showing this (false) concern?)

>from left to right. "Somebody call an ambulance! This man is having a heart 

attack!" He shouted letting go of the client's shoulder pulling the flowers 

attach!" he shouted, letting

shoulder, pulling

Taka's family maintained a large penthouse in the Ginza district. At the 
moment all family members currently based in Tokyo were gathered in the 

moment, all

"Was everything successful?" He asked.

he

"Of course, Uncle. They probably didn�t realize he was assassinated until 
they got him to the hospital." Taka said bowing in front of his superior.

hospital," Taka

"I have been informed you were five minutes late for the intended 
rendezvous, was there a problem?"

rendezvous. Was

"I see," his uncle smiled rubbing his chin. Nothing serious I trust?"

chin. "Nothing serious, I

"I kept on schedule all the way through the mission and the mission was 
successful. Why do we take assignments from the Yakuza? There's too much 
risk they might fold under pressure and reveal too much about our 
operations?" Taka asked trying desperately to change the subject.

UNCLE: No, that's not why we take their assignments.

Presumably Tak is stating, not asking, that last line, so it shouldn't
end in a question mark, and it shouldn't be "asked" unless you move that
attribution between the two sentences of dialog.

Why do we take assignments from the Yakuza? There's too much risk they
might fold under pressure and reveal too much about our operations,"
Taka said, trying desperately to change the subject.

or

Why do we take assignments from the Yakuza?" Taka asked, trying
desperately to change the subject. "There's too much risk they might
fold under pressure and reveal too much about our operations."

"They'll never reveal anything about our operations. They don�t know 
anything in fact they never even hired you. They hired a Yanaguchi-gumi 

anything. In fact, they

"And does she have a sister?" some one in the back quipped.

someone

TAKA: Yeah, and she can punch through solid steel, and hates guys who
hit on her.

"All right everyone that's enough making fun of Taka, young love is to be 

right, everyone, that's

Taka. Young

cherished let me tell you all about the next mission," Uncle grinned as he 

cherished. Let

mission." Uncle

waited for the laughter to die down. "I must say I'm going to envy you young 
pups, you're getting an all expense paid trip to sunny South America! Our 

pups. You're

client is a group, which hasn�t been cooperating with its superiors very 

a group which

or

a group, one which

well. Our customer has decided they cannot wait for the American war on 
drugs to do its job. While they would prefer it was the CIA who made an 
example of the client they will be more than happy for a reasonable 

client, they

facsimile to do the job.

"This will be a fairly long trip which including travel will take over three 

which, including travel, will

weeks to complete. Hebi will brief you on the details this Monday. In the 
meantime I want every one to be fresh and rested this is a big one."

everyone

UNCLE: And I want everyone to practice their run-on sentences that would
be a very good thing you should all do that yes I really do think so.

Taka stood alone in the conference room of his relatives.  Missions like 
this were time consuming and potentially deadly if anything went wrong.  He 

Suggest you take out "potentially" if you're going to have the "if"
clause. They are *always* potentially dangerous. When something goes
wrong they become *actually* dangerous. :)

"Hello, is this the Tendo residence? Could I speak to Kasumi please," he 

Kasumi, please,"

asked, "yes tell her it's Taka." He waited as the girl on the other end 

asked. "Yes, tell

"Don�t be silly, Father, I've talked with him a number of times, he's 

Father. I've

times. He's

wonderful," Kasumi replied bracing herself for another outburst.

replied, bracing

"Oh I'm sure everything will be all right, Nabiki," Kasumi smiled.

Nabiki." Kasumi

"Oh, and how can you be so sure?"

"He's a cleaner," Kasumi beamed.

cleaner." Kasumi

I like the story so far. The mob connections of Kasumi's beau adds a
dramatic tension that's too often missing from this sort of story, and
promises a lot of exciting conflict as she gets mixed up in the gang's
affairs. I'd suggest working on getting more descriptive in your
writing, and on mechanics stuff like where you need commas and what
makes a complete sentence.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
	     .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'