Hiya Vince!
Glad to see you writing again, so here's a bit of suggestive C&C. :)
Vincent Seifert wrote:
Caryatid
Caryatid columns, eh? Poor Makoto.
Hanging a little bell in the doorway of a business wasn't a
Roshtarian custom, but it was a touch of home that maintained
Jinnai Nanami's sanity in this magnificent but bizarre world.
"Welcome!" she sang without turning when she heard its thin,
brassy chime behind her. It took her a moment to realize that
the murmur of conversation in her cafe had gone silent, and
another to notice that everyone in her field of view was looking
at the doorway. She turned.
Maybe a suggestion of why she didn't turn, like mixing drinks, getting
somethingfrom the oven, etc. Bad business tactics to have your back to
potential
customers, and since this is Nanami...
The figure silhouetted against the sunlit street wasn't the
bubbly girl that the people of Floristica were slowly getting
accustomed to seeing in the company of Mizuhara Makoto in the
weeks since their return. Ifurita's Key staff was at her side,
and Makoto was not, and that made her a Demon Goddess rather than
the consort of a young sage. A chair fell over, and suddenly
customers and staff alike were scrambling for the other exits.
Nanami froze with a rictus of horror on her face. *Oh, crap, she
found out!*
Nanami: I'm not really into that, but Makoto's really vulnerable to
threesomes,so me and Shayla...
Indignation was starting to sprout from panic, but Nanami
managed to keep it from becoming anger; getting mad at Ifurita
was not a good long-term survival strategy. "Then why'd you
stampede my customers?" she asked as calmly as she could manage.
Ifurita: But I didn't do anything; they just ran away.
"Well, we're a lot more private than I thought I was going
to be just now," Nanami muttered, glancing pointedly at the empty
tables and abandoned meals. She gestured at the Key. "What
about that, then? You don't need that for a social call."
"If I'd left it with Makoto, our conversation wouldn't be
private," Ifurita explained patiently. "And I don't leave it
with anyone else."
Ifurita [in a staged whisper]: Well, you know it's really an oversized
dildo, soAlielle and Princess Fatora are always trying to 'borrow' it.
"Well, what, then?"
Ifurita hesitated. "I want to give him a gift," she said
finally.
Nanami: Hmm, you're planning on commercializing Christmas? Or how
aboutcelebrating 'Makoto saves the day' Day? I've got some great ideas for
that.
"I am suggesting that you become Makoto's lover," Ifurita
said, sounding nearly as brusque as she had amid the fires on a
palace balcony three -- or ten thousand -- years before. "Don't
you want to? You tried to seduce him once."
Wait, how would Nanami know how brusque Ifurita sounded like tenthousand
years before? Only Makoto met her then; the others were
just in the school.
Nanami recoiled, considered diving behind her chair, and
realized that it would sacrifice her dignity without protecting
her life. "Eeep! You DO know about that!"
"Of course I know," said Ifurita impatiently. "He didn't
try to hide it from me."
"Then you know he turned me down."
"And I know why." Ifurita paused and gave Nanami a
speculative look. "I think you know why, too."
Nanami: Yep, like I said - I needed Shayla's 'help' to really gethim going.
The Ifurita costume nearly did it, but-- Wait a minute,
you're not suggesting...
Ifurita: Um, well, it's just Makoto can't... uh... get it up.
Nanami: Poor thing, I always knew he was undersexed, but...
"Why would he want me?" Nanami burst out. "He has YOU!"
Her gesture took in the Demon Goddess' mane of ice-blue hair,
alabaster skin, sculpted features, and lush figure. "They're
singing songs about you two in the city, you know? The romantic
ones talk about the eternal love of Makoto and Ifurita, but there
are bawdy ones, too. Everyone knows you're living in his rooms
in the palace, and everyone figures you're screwing his brains
out!"
Nanami: Makoto, you pervert! Even with me and Shayla around...
"Is that what those looks are about?" Ifurita said, eyebrows
raised. "How... ironic."
"You mean you're not?"
Ifurita: Have you heard any yells from the palace recently?
Nanami: Well, no, now that you mention it.
"Nanami...." Again Ifurita hesitated. "Let me tell you a
story. Long ago, the most powerful Demon God weapon was
constructed. It could have been any humanoid shape, and the
assimilation principle would still have worked. For some reason
I never understood, it suited my makers to fashion me in the
shape of a woman. You've seen building columns sculpted like
women, haven't you? I hope that sort of artistic impulse was the
reason... but it occurs to me that my masters were all men,
powerful men, and they may have wished the most devastating
weapon at their disposal to appear female.
Note that all those caryatid columns were, in fact, crafted by men inthe
past.
Nanami could easily imagine the scene. "I'll bet he was as
red as a tomato," she mused.
"How did you guess?" This was accompanied by an impish
smile.
Nanami: He had the same expression when...
"But, you know, there are other ways...." Nanami looked
down, flushing. "I don't know from personal experience myself,
of course, but I've heard.... I mean, you have hands, you have
breasts, a mouth...."
Nanami: And Makoto could induce artificial memories through the PowerKey
Staff. It's not the real thing, but you'd both experience and remember
it.
Ifurita frowned a little. "'Love' is not the right word.
Before Makoto, I wished for nothing more than to stop existing.
Ancient and bloodstained as I am, he set me free, he shared his
humanity with me, he made me a home in his own memories... and he
rescued me, for no practical reason at all, across a gulf that is
difficult even to imagine. I don't know the word for what I feel
for him... but his smallest happiness is my greatest desire."
Nanami: Love's not a practical reason?
Ifurita: No.
Before Makoto, Ifurita had no emotions at all. Would she really have a
desire for self-termination back then? Not to mention, she was in
power-saving mode as well. :)
"Let him arrange his own love life," Nanami admonished,
shaking her finger in the face of El-Hazard's most effective
weapon. "Maybe he can live without it; I'm pretty sure he wasn't
getting any while he was working on the Project. Maybe you and
he can find a way. Maybe someone will find the guts to make a
pass at him, and you can delicately let him know that it's okay
with you... because it should be. Because..." Nanami took a
deep breath to steady her voice. "Because no one can take him
away from you."
"Nanami...."
"And anyone who tries to take you away from him needs her
head examined."
Right on cue, a shout filtered up from downstairs, a shout
carrying a heavy cargo of worry, frustration, and where-the-hell-
is-my-girlfriend: "IFURITAAAAA!"
Not sure if it's approriate to have a colon here. A full stop might
bebetter.
"See?" Nanami raised her voice. "UP HERE, MAKOTO-CHAN!"
"You meant me, didn't you?" Ifurita asked in dawning
realization.
I assume you mean it's Ifurita that needs her head examined for wanting
toremove herself from Makoto. Not entirely clear as it stands.
The thunder of footsteps on the stairs spared Nanami from
replying, but she smirked.
The door burst open and Makoto dashed in, breathing hard.
His eyes darted around the room, apparently expecting carnage,
and fastened on Ifurita as she rose from the chair.
Nanami: Not very trusting of your girlfriend, are you?
Makoto looked from one woman to the other, realized that he
was outnumbered, and executed a quick tactical retreat. "Uh...
no reason, never mind."
'a quick verbal retreat.' might be better, since I expected him to
beleaving the room originally.
Interesting piece of Nanami/Ifurita interaction which never gets
developed in the OVAs. Now that the problems of 'interfacing'
with a Demon God have been portrayed, it needs resolution.
Maybe a short piece from Makoto's viewpoint on how he
sees this situation.
Good writing as always, Vince. Nothing I could really point out.
Hope this helps,
Phil.
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