Why not?
He turned around to face his new attacker, even as he felt his
anger intensify as he saw the _second_ Senshi to appear in as many
minutes! They were dropping out of the countryside like flies! Worse,
he couldn't identify this new Senshi, which most likely meant it had
to be _another_ new one!
It's gonna be one of those days for the Youma general. You just know it.
It's _always_ one of those days for the Youma generals. They just get no
luck.
As his eyes flickered around the place warily, he spotted
Sailor Moon and Mercury getting into position for an attack and
swore. The three-to-one odds were too much even for him to handle. He
quickly decided that it would be prudent to retreat. "All right, you
win--" He never got his chance to finish as Jupiter connected solidly
against his jaw for the second time. He reeled in pain.
attack and -- attack, and
The trees rustled suddenly in the intense wind as the creature
of darkness roared into existence, streaking towards Jupiter. Its two
pincers clacked nosily in anticipation of inflicting extreme
injuries, although the beast clearly was looking forward to
decapitation of its victims.
Awkward. How do they know it wants to decapitate them specifically, as
opposed to general violence?
"Supreme... Thunder!" Then everything seemed to explode as the
electrical current expanded outwards from the Senshi. In a blink of
an eye, the current arced a trail between her and the abomination of
the nature, electrocuting him with thousands of volts. Its body
spasmed violently as it convulsed in pain. As the brilliant
electrical display faded, the beast dropped to the ground,
unconscious.
the nature -- nature (and if it's from a different dimension, wouldn't it
merely be 'abomination'?)
Zoycite brought his arms up to deflect a low kick and gave up
some ground, which in turn forced Jupiter to follow through her kick
with a high roundhouse. This unfortunately forced the senshi to
overexert herself when Zoycite instantly retreated just as she had
executed her kick, leaving her momentarily vulnerable. An opportunity
the General quickly took advantage as he unleashed his petal attack,
"ZOI!"
You use 'unfortunately' a lot, which is probably something you want to
avoid excessively in prose.
Much to his surprise, instead of avoiding it, Jupiter simply
barreled through the petals, sustaining multiple cuts and socked his
jaw again before he could recover.
Heh. Though I imagine the brine would make those cuts sting like nine
bloody hells.
Zoycite staggered back, but the young Senshi refused to allow
the General a respite. Pressing her unyielding assault, she followed
up with a powerful roundhouse kick to his abdomen, forcing him to
double over again. She quickly brought up her hands into a double-
fist attack, but Zoycite had recovered quickly enough to deliver a
solid uppercut to Jupiter's jaw, sending her flying partially and to
the ground. He quickly cast his petal attack, hoping to kill the
accursed senshi before she could recover.
'Double-fist'? Not familiar with that one, but I'm guessing you're going
for the attack they use in DBZ all the time -- the double-armed
hammer-strike.
I see this one of two ways, ethier what you're thinking or, a spinning
double punch.
The General yowled in pain, only to have air forced out of him
as Jupiter instantly executed a complex reverse-twist suplex, neatly
flipping him over her shoulder. Then, before Zoycite could
counterattack, Jupiter retreated to assume a defensive position.
She was in complete control of the battle -- why on Earth would she back
away when she could press her advantage? Or is she unsure of killing him?
Likey the latter.
"That's wonderful!" Usagi gushed suddenly, embracing her
friend. "Wait until Rei and Luna finds out about this! They'll be so
surprised to meet you!"
finds -- find
Usagi blinked. "What's wrong, Makoto?" Her friend jerked her
head to Usagi, blinking. Finally, she cursed again.
What happened to 'Mako-chan'?
Yet... she could feel doubts gnawing at her thoughts. Why was
it so hard for her to understand what was really going on? She had
always been firm, so sure of herself until she had gotten that...
that transformation wand from Usagi!
Always? Even right after Jusenkyou?
"That's right. I'm Ranma Saotome, not Makoto Kino or Sailor
Jupiter, or anybody like them. Not at all." He sighed as he tried to
convince himself.
I still don't understand why he's pretending to be a girl over a boy,
though...
More cold water out there? :-)
Makoto closed her eyes after she read the last of the lines of
the entry of that particular day. It had been, what? Almost two years
since she had changed back into a guy.
Last sentence is a tad awkward.
... Right.
When she had fallen into that cursed spring, it had taken her
weeks just to accept the fact that she had shared a girl body. The
fact that her father had left her behind shortly thereafter, claiming
that she was no longer 'worthy of being his son' also had hurt her
badly.
Huh. Okay, I follow...
It was only a coincidence that woman had stumbled across her
when she had. If it hadn't been for her, she might have never...
She frowned. Now that she thought about it, it had to be
anything but a coincidence. Bah! Whenever that woman was involved,
everything about her was immediately suspected.
It was often a best idea to avoid that woman like hell, unless
the unfortunate ones didn't mind being manipulated and having their
lives screwed up even worse than the American politics.
That sentence is awfully awkward. I _think_ I understand what you're
trying to say, but I'm not sure...
... and now you've lost me.
Would it help to know that the woman that Makoto's thinking about has red
eyes, green hair, and dusky skin?
:-)
The scenery quickly absolved of its volition; no longer
accompanying the frightened girl.
... what?
http://www.dictionary.com/cgi-bin/dict.pl?term=absolved
You really probably want to rethink that passage.
Inside her locker, a gleaming golden-green Jupiter
transformation stick rested snugly between her school slippers.
a -- the (?)
Makoto winced as she read about what she had done that day. She
had heard from Rei and Ami about how much she had hurt Usagi's
feelings that day. After Zoycite had attacked her couple days later,
they had confronted her about her actions and chastised her rather
severely.
I get the feeling that the the introspective approach you're trying for
really gives too much away.
"In her round against Zoycite, she exhibited uncanny degree of
skill in martial arts. I've managed to recognize some elements such
as Aikido and Judo, and several other forms that I haven't had time
to identify yet. Considering Makoto's high expertise in fighting
skills, she must have had rigorous training for at least six years,
possibly even more."
Aikido is the most defensive form of martial arts I know of -- from the
way you described the battle, none of it qualified.
Actually, there _are_ a few moves in Aikido that _ARE_ used in upfront HTH.
Mostly grapples and throws. Same with Judo.
It sounded more like general brawling, though I guess you could have Ami
recognize it as Jeet-kun-do (hush, Andrew, it is too a viable art), or
better, just Kempo.
*lauhgs* I was thinking Koppo or Tai Chi Chuan myself...
"I also found it interesting to notice that Makoto has
unusually high levels of stamina and endurance. She shrugged off
Zoycite's attacks as if they were nothing. She also has shown
remarkable tolerance to pain, as well as incredible speed. You
haven't seen Jupiter in action, Rei. Usagi and I have. Her physical
stats as Makoto are almost comparable to ours when we're Senshi, but
I imagine that they're monstrous when they're augmented by her Senshi
form."
On the NEXT episode of DragonMoon Z...
"Oh my god, she's gone SUPERSENSHI!"
*Bwhahahah*
"You must be joking, nobody can be _that_ strong."
Ryouga: Ahem!
Mina: "I need my tank moved Ryouga, and Makoto's too busy!"
Ryouga: *whimper*
"I _saw_ her, Luna. She _single-handedly_ fought Zoycite to a
near-standstill and might have won if he hadn't used his magic
against her. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it." Ami
pulled out her Mercury computer, a miniature computer that packed the
equivalent half a dozen supercomputers into a dimension of a pink
compact, and punched in some information into it. After a minute, she
flipped around her computer so she could show the display to Luna.
"Not only Makoto has a lot of finesse, she knows how to use her body
efficiently in combat situations.
"Based on these statistics, I'd speculate that Makoto would be
at least sixth to eighth dan in at least five variations of martial
arts, not mention that her specialty seems to be incorporating a wide
variety of elements of those skills into her arsenal of fighting
ability."
Looks like a formatting error. Also, won't pretty much everyone who's
reading this already know what the Mercury computer is? :p
"Passive magic usually do not activate unless some outside
stimulus provokes it. Much like water and sodium. Sodium are normally
inert, but when water is added, it reacts violently, causing an
explosion and can ignite fires."
do not -- does not
Sodium are -- Sodium is
Luna protested. "That's very dangerous. Not everyone you meet
might be so nice. Remember those THREE bullies you told me about?
They could've hurt you!"
protested. "That's -- protested, "That's
"Could she be a ronin?" Rei frowned.
Modern meaning being someone who fails to get into college (Love Hina,
Maison Ikkoku).
Ronin means more than just a failed college student, Brian. There are
_several_ meanings here.
One DA's using _is_ rare, and uncommon, but still exists today.
It's a person that's ethier been _disowned_ or renouced her(His) family.
Uncommon, very rare, but...
does still happen. (Not _much_ though. I'd suspect that Usagi and Mina
would wonder why Rei's talking about
a college test, while Ami would puzzle out what Rei means.)
Is this an altaverse, where samurai still exist? If so, can women _be_
samurai here?
"But that's not all what I learned. I also saw a guy."
what -- that(?)
"We could always try asking her." Ami mused lightly. "I did
manage to find her general address, though."
She got financial records and birth certificates, and only a 'general'
address?
"Maybe she's not back home yet?" Ami suggested. "Makoto might
have gone somewhere, or gone shopping."
So going somewhere and going shopping are entirely different things? :p
She raised an eyebrow at her.
'She' and 'her'... which is which?
"So does that mean a kick to a guy's balls ain't right way to
deal with horny guys like him?"
guy's - guys (repetition)
Ranma glared at her, folding her arms. "Are you going to give
me one of those 'It's a Senshi's duty' talks now, aren't you?"
What grounds does he have to say such a thing? Has she given him such a
speech before? Otherwise that's a little out of the blue...
Together, as one, they moved as they attacked Zoycite, catching
him by surprise. Needless to say, the fight was *very* brief.
"Shabon Spray!"
"Fire Soul!"
Ranma couldn't resist adding in her two cents. "Supreme
Thunder!"
Zoycite screamed as the combined might of Mercury, Mars, and
Jupiter struck him. He was charbroiled, electrocuted, and frozen
simultaneously. He collapsed to the ground and this time, the General
didn't come up.
After all the buildup, that was... brief.
"And to think I used to be so insecure of my 'manhood'," Makoto
muttered.
This would go a long way towards explaining why I can't reconcile your
Ranma with canon-Ranma.
Ami giggled. "That reminds me about your first period after you
found out that you're a Senshi."
you're -- you were
"Shut up, Ami." How was she supposed to know that after
accepting the Senshi nature of her had meant that every nuance of her
senses were amplified several times-fold, and that included her
already-heightened sensations she experienced whenever her body
underwent its monthly cycles.
'times-fold'? I don't think that works quite the way you meant it to.
It had begun, innocently enough, with an ask of help...
'ask of help'? of -- for (?)
This time Makoto did abandon her cooking completely. "You want
me to be Sailor Jupiter again?" She tried to cover her disgust and a
trace of anger, but failed miserably. Ami picked up on that.
If Makoto is female in pretty much every other sense, why is she still not
wanting to be Sailor Jupiter?
*shrugs* Couple of reasons possible. One. loner. Two, just doesn't like
"cheating"
"We've located her hideout in Point D near North Pole," Rei
explained, "And we're planning for an all-out offensive against her
forces. We can't afford to let this opportunity to go to waste, now
that we've eliminated all four Generals, along with most of her
youmas. Beryl's at the most vulnerable at this moment."
'Point D'? Isn't the plural form of youma... youma?
Makoto didn't have to look into her journal to find out that
several pages after the Point D incident were blank. She had
purposely left them that way. While it severed as a symbolic gesture,
it clearly illustrated how little she had managed to recall of the
events that had occurred afterwards. Even Ami and others had only
little recollection.
severed -- served
Repetition of 'recall', 'recollection'.
It shouldn't have happened, Sailor Moon thought numbly as she
stared in the shock at the bruised and battered form of her dearest
friend, Makoto. Even Mars was having difficulty in trying not to lose
whatever she had eaten earlier in the morning.
the shock -- shock
Before Moon could do anything, Mars forcefully dragged her away
even as the remaining youma descended to attack them at their moment
of greatest vulnerability.
Commage.
Ah, it strikes more than me...
Two black birds cawed loudly as the runaway girl passed past
them, startling them. However, a raven-haired girl came by and
soothed their anxiety by offering them some food. "Enjoy some, Phobos
and Demios." Rei told them. As her pet ravens did so, Rei took a deep
breath and marveled at the clear skies, hoping that there wouldn't be
too much petals on the ground for her to sweep away in the afternoon
after her classes.
too much petals -- too many petals
"Hello, Diary.
"It must feel strange for me to write this, but I don't think
I've really introduced myself to you. My name's Makoto Kino, but at
times I still catch myself going by my other name.
"I'm sure you already know what I'm talking about. After all,
as soon as Usagi gave you, I felt compelled to write down everything
I could remember about what happened to me ever since I met her. That
was five weeks ago, but I still've got a lot left to write down.
"I hope you'll be patient little longer.
"I still don't remember much of what happened after I...
died... in North Pole, but next thing I know, I was alive and with
Usagi and my friends. I didn't know what had just happened.
"Sometimes I wish I had known. If I had, a couple of things
wouldn't have happened, but... oh well. It's fate, I guess.
"But, you know what? On that same day, when I woke up with no
memories about what had happened after our last fight with Queen
Beryl? Luna had later told me about how concerned she had been for
us.
"Nothing had been truer than Luna's concerns at that day."
I don't know if you need the quotation there.
"And besides, I've considered the challenge of taming the
'wild' Makoto Kino rather irresistible myself."
Wow. Taking churlishness to new depths!
All of the sudden, they saw the girl Makoto had sacrificed her
life for in the past, alive again but this time as a normal girl.
Usagi was staring at Makoto's bento box, drooling. Since then, Usagi
had grown before them from a spoiled and whiny girl, maturing into a
fine young Princess Makoto... no, Sailor Jupiter had remembered and
fulfilled her duty in protecting her to her own death once more
again.
Princess Makoto makes it seem like Makoto is the princess in question.
"So... are you, uh, back with us?" Luna asked nervously, trying
not to dwell on the mysterious link between Makoto and this
mysterious pigtailed boy phantom.
Repetition, mysterious.
To be continued (Unfinished.)
Cool.
I hope you enjoyed this piece of work; if any of you have had visited
my site, the chances are that you may have read the draft version.
This version isn't much different from the one on the site, save for
the errors that I caught while proofreading.
Please keep in mind that this fanfic is still a work in progress.
I apologize for having not been active lately, so I thought I'd post
this fic and give you something to tide over while I finish my work
on segment III of Riptides. For those who are fans of Riptides
series, here's the good news: it's almost complete, and will be sent
off to prereaders as soon as the final two sections are written.
Until then, happy holidays and happy New Year,
DA/R
Dark Alpha
DarkAlphaR@aol.com
http://darkalpha.anifics.com
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to
a kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://members.tripod.com/lwf58/fan_fiction/durandall/index.html
--
Haiku of my lament:
Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.
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