arkAlphaR@aol.com wrote:

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit


Here's part A and bit of B. Enjoy.

DA/R
--- --- ---




-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: waylaying_7d.txt


A Sailor Moon / Ranma fanfiction,
--- --- ---


           W A Y L A Y I N G   B E F O R E
                        T H E
                   O A K   T R E E

                    BY Dark Alpha
                  DarkAlphaR@aol.com

      Within the clause of the Ranmoon Project


    Ranma 1/2 and Sailor Moon and their respective associated characters are creation of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi and Naoko Takeuchi respectively. They are used here without permission. This is written purely for free entertainment of writers and readers, and should not be used for profit in any way.

    respective associated... respectively.

    Urk.

Enjoy.

    Righty-o.

    It would be another half an hour at least, Makoto Kino thought, before Usagi would finish her cleaning duties. She sighed. She wished that Usagi would pick up her pace and clean faster, instead of gripping about her after-school duties.
    Stretching out her arms, Makoto leaned back against a huge oak tree, taking great care not to wake up her sleeping friend who was resting alongside her. Let the Sleeping Beauty sleep a little while longer, she decided with a smile on her face.

    sleeping friend... resting. (Same sentence. Might want to drop the 'resting' and mention some other, less clear aspect. Maybe snoring, if that's appropriate, or mumbling in his/her/its sleep, etc.)

    Pulling up her school case, she popped the cover open and pulled out a pale green book with a diagram of a cute rabbit character hugging a slice of carrot cake. Despite the poor writing of the kanji on the cover, she could read them clearly: 'My Best Friend's Diary' with Usagi's name in subscript on the bottom corner of the cover with a cute bunny head next to it. Usagi had given her a diary of her own for her to record her personal thoughts into it as her fifteenth birthday gift.

    Now that's cute.

    Makoto opened her diary to reveal tens of dozens of pages filled with her writing. Flipping rapidly through her pages, she realized that only thoughts from last two years were recorded inside.

    'Tens of dozens' sounds strange, but that could just be me, in which case you can dismiss it. :p

     So much had changed during those two short years since she had returned to Japan after that incident which had drastically changed her life forever. Back then, she used to be a completely different person.

    A boy named Makoto Mizuhara?

    Makoto: Hah! Watch those girls find me _now_!

    She returned to the first page and began reading.
    About someone named Ranma Saotome...

    Hey, I can identify. I often read about that exact same guy!

    Drawing out a bento box out from her backpack, she opened it and began to eat. Aside from martial arts and cooking, eating was the only thing that helped her relax.

    Picollet: Marry me.

    Ranma: No.

    Her bento box was barely half-empty when she heard a slight rustling noise. *Amateurs,* Ranma snorted in disgust. Whoever this person was, he might as well as have been shouting at the top of his lungs. As she continued to listen intently, her ears picked up the presence of two girls and a boy in the near-vicinity.
    *Great, not again.* She thought sourly, *They're here to pick a fight with me. Or make fun of me cuz of my curse... Prolly get me kicked out of the school too. Again.*

    school too -- school, too (?)

    No sooner than she had taken a bite of her food when she suddenly found a face shoved into her view. *What the?!*

    Ack. Might want to reword that first sentence, it's a bit awkward.

    A pair of crystal blue eyes peered at her out from under blond bangs, radiating an uber-cute expression that many girls had adopted, much to Ranma's disgust. The young girl, however, did not speak, but merely stared at her.

    Again, that last sentence feels awkwardly worded.

    Ranma quickly gave her unexpected visitor a look-over, and blinked in surprise. Whoever this girl was, she certainly had the most unusual hair style she had ever seen; long twin blond pigtails snaking out from two balls of hair mounted on the sides of her head, trailing all the way to the ground as the girl knelt before her. She was wearing a white blouse with a red bow, and blue skirt.

    'look-over'? Do you mean 'once-over'?

    It certainly looked lot nicer than her drab brown and white version of school uniform.

    I have no idea why it does, and it shouldn't, but that works.

    Ranma was reminded once more again how she had been stuck with her older school uniform because the new school did not offer any uniforms that would fit her due to her height. As if it hadn't been bad enough that she was easily spotted because she simply towered above most of the students due to her height, her old uniform just made it harder for her to blend into the school without being noticed.

    You mention that she's tall twice in this paragraph ('due to her height'), you might want to drop one instance.

    "Oh, OK! You're that Makoto girl, right?"

    OK = evil. Might want to use 'okay'. :p

    Ranma narrowed her eyes slightly; how did the girl find out about her? She then smacked herself mentally. This girl probably has overheard the rumors about her. There was nothing she could do about that subject, though. "Yeah. I'm Makoto Kino."

    probably has -- probably had (tenses) -- had probably (?)

    Ranma stared at the offered hand, unsure of how to react. *Could this be some trick? Any minute now, everyone'll jump out of these bushes and laugh at me for being so desperate to make friends. Then they'll splash me with hot water and laugh at the boy who's wearing a girl's uniform. And I'll jump and turn 'em into street trash, and get kicked out of the school for fighting. Again.*

    Hm. This raises many questions. Curiouser and curiouser...

    Makoto smiled wistfully. It had been a start of a rocky friendship between her and Usagi. Her life certainly had changed a lot since she had met her, and, despite the hardships she had endured, for better, in her opinion.

    'she' had met 'her'? Might want to clarify, but remember, my suggestions/opinions can be freely ignored.

    Flipping over to the next page, she was surprised to see that it was blank. So was the next page. She blinked for few moments before realizing why. She had purposely left those pages blank back then.
    What had happened in the afternoon of that day, she couldn't recall for some reason. She had only vaguely recalled being attacked by a youma and fighting one of Dark Kingdom Generals... Zoycite, wasn't it? It wasn't until Usagi had finally explained several months later about what had _really_ happened.

    That last sentence is a fragment.

    Usagi had been about to retire to the local arcade for another round of Sailor V game when her communicator had rang. Pausing to check the signal out, she realized that it was beeping insistently. A quick glance at it confirmed her fears; it was another Dark Kingdom attack, this time nearly a kilometer from her current location.

    had rang -- had rung (?)

    The rest of that paragraph is rather stilted.

    "It's in the Kagaume Park. It looks like we've got a new opposition this time." Ami explained over the intercom.

    Err...

    time." Ami -- time," Ami (Different conventions, so you might want to ignore this one)

    Usagi sighed, then nodded. "I'll be there as soon as I can!" She turned to the entrance of the arcade, staring the Sailor V game console morosely. She had brought plenty of change this time, who knows? she might even get lucky and win!

    Most people probably won't comment (and I've made the error often myself) but there's no speech indicator in this paragraph.

    But the urgent beeping from Ami had dashed her hopes. "Oh well, there's always tomorrow!" She pulled out her transformation wand.
    Glancing around to make sure nobody was watching, she ducked into a narrow alley and held up her transformation wand. "Moon Prism Power, Make-Up!"

    Ditto^2. :p

    In a flash of light, her school uniform dissolved and rematerialized into a new uniform after leaving her momentarily naked. As her transformation sequence ended, she paused for a moment to curse the pervert who had choreographed her transformation sequence.

    Eh? Is that in character?

    Somewhere, a small black cat sneezed.

    Ah. Nevermind, that works. :p

    Dismissing her personal concerns, she glanced up and immediately jumped nearly five meters vertically to land atop the roof of the building. Using her magically enhanced muscles in her legs, she sprinted across the rooftops at rapid pace, easily overtaking many of the slower vehicles on the roads beneath her.

    her magically -- the magically (If they're in her legs, it can be assumed that they're her muscles! Unless this is Shadowrun...)

    It was not going well for Mercury. Despite the fact that she was considered to be the brains of the Senshi, she was also acutely aware of the fact that she was also the weakest of the group.

    Repetition of 'fact'. Maybe just drop the 'of the fact', and beware of the repetition of 'also'?

    Targeting/Damage ratio. It all works out in the end.

    Zoycite crowned as he attacked the retreating Senshi with a barrage of flower petals, "Hah! Your pathetic attacks can't even compare against mine!"

    Crowned? I think that verb can mean 'to strike someone over the head', which I'd like to do to Tux-boy with his own speeches, but generally, I think you were looking for 'crowed'.

    Mercury thinned her lips as she tapped her right earring, and a blue visor manifested into existence over her eyes. The results her visor displayed confirmed her what she already had suspected; Zoycite was not an ordinary youma, as she had hoped, but instead a General

    General nuisance? Missing end punctuation. :p

    "You're the one who replaced Nephrite when he died, aren't you?"

    We can assume that this is Mercury, but there's no speech indicator.

    Zoycite chuckled. "Of course. He was inept and too... softhearted. He had to be eliminated."

    chuckled. "Of -- chuckled, "Of (?)

    "My, you are the perceptive one! But that will not save your pretty hide from me. ZOI!" Another swarm of petals pickled the spot where Sailor Mercury had stood split seconds earlier.

    Pickled? They soaked it in brine? Woah. I knew that they had some strange attacks in SM, but that's a new one on me...

    The water element-based Senshi was starting to wear out. She already had transmitted a call for help to Usagi and Rei, but Rei was unfortunately too busy at the moment and it would take her several precious minutes to get away from her engagement. Usagi already had responded, but it would take some time for her to arrive. Minutes that she was already running out.

    Running out 'of'? Something's missing from that last sentence.

    Zoycite growled. "Very well, it'll just take longer for me to finish you off. ZO---!" He never got his chance to finish his words, as a rock bounced off solidly against his forehead. Yowling in pain, he reeled back momentarily and caught a glimpse of a girl just before he doubled over as someone or something slammed into his stomach, only to fly into the air as his head snapped back from a vicious blow to his chin.

    Yeah, HTH in a duel of magical powers usually leads to strange results.

    The Senshi couldn't believe her eyes; whoever this girl was, she had just knocked down one of the Generals with only a punch and a _kick_! She blinked. Taking down a General using purely physical combat was unheard of to her; even with the enhanced and magical abilities of the Senshi, Generals had proved to be extremely difficult to overcome. Yet her unexpected helper had taken down one of them without any aid of magic with ease that defied her belief. And only a second had elapsed during the entire scene.

    The last sentence sounds awkward -- maybe too passive.

     "That HURT, you bastard!" Zoycite screeched, but Makoto merely shrugged.

    Heh. I see surprisingly little sympathy headed towards the General.

    Mercury wasn't sure which she should be scared for Makoto's safety, or be surprised by the fact that Makoto actually had the guts to take on one of Dark kingdom's Generals single-handedly without magical-enhanced abilities that Mercury and other Senshi had employed against their forces.

    for Makoto's -- for, Makoto's -OR- for: Makoto's (I think)

    Though looking at the rest of the sentence (very long sentence, by the way) it's a bit awkward, because it seems to shift direction abruptly. Might want to reword that.

    As Makoto and Zoycite eyed each other warily, Mercury discreetly pulled out her communicator to relay another message.
    Meanwhile, the General growled at the young girl before him. "Do you have any idea who I am, you little wench?"

    him. "Do -- him, "Do

    Makoto shrugged. "I dunno, and I don't care. I don't like it when guys like you pick on the weak, though."
    For some reason, Mercury felt enraged by the newcomer's words. She was one of the Senshi, augmented with abilities that even the strongest man would have envied; yet Makoto considered her to be _weak_?!

    Hm. Lacks impact. I think you might want to build up to this a little more. And unless Ranma didn't see her using her spell, he should be aware that she's not without defences.
    

    "I'm Zoycite, one of the Generals of the Dark Kingdom!" He growled at the impudent girl. "You'll regret this. I'm going to enjoy disfiguring your pretty face, girl."

    Kingdom!" He -- Kingdom!" he

    Repetition of 'girl'.

    Makoto merely cracked her knuckles. "Is that supposed to scare me?" She then muttered to herself, "What's with girls and pretty faces?"
    Zoycite narrowed his eyes, then quickly jumped to his feet, preparing to attack. But Makoto already had anticipated this attack and dodged, ducking under his arm to deliver a solid punch to his jaw. However, even as she managed to score the blow, she was caught off guard by his counter-attack, having not witnessed any form of magical attacks such as Zoycite's petal attack. Hundreds of flower petals pelted Makoto, ripping up her uniform and cutting into her skin.

    Ack. That final sentence is very long. Both of the latter sentences begin with 'but' or 'however'. Might want to rework that.

    Makoto staggered backwards, reeling from the intensity of Zoycite's attack. Having raised her arms to protect her face during the attack, she failed to notice Zoycite following up his attack with a brutal backhand blow. Makoto's head snapped back under the blow. Having not recovered completely from Zoycite's earlier attack, she tumbled to the ground.

    Two sentences begining with 'having'.

    But before he could carry out his threat, a blast of chilled fog swept him along, easily dousing out the flames in his palm. Another voice cried out, "Moon Tiara Action!" Having witnessed the attack before, he ducked in time to avoid having his head sheared off by a golden Frisbee of magic and quickly retreated as the fog cleared to reveal a newcomer guarding Sailor Mercury.

    Frisbee is a brand name, isn't it? Why not just use 'disc'?

    Sailor Moon pointed at him accusingly, "Attacking a poor, defenseless girl like that is totally unforgivable!" Since she was standing in front of Mercury, she failed to see the blue-uniformed Senshi roll her eyes at her statement. She continued regardless, "In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!" She then deftly caught the returning tiara and repositioned herself for another attack.

    That works.

    Behind her, Mercury sighed a breather of relief as Zoycite retreated further from Makoto.

    breather -- breath

    Fortunately her fears proved to be largely unfounded, as Makoto appeared to be relatively unharmed, except for some fairly deep cuts. She noted that Makoto had unusually high levels of stamina and endurance. She deactivated her visor, relived that multiple cuts wouldn't prove to be fatal for Makoto. "Are you okay, Makoto?"

    'relatively unharmed, except for some fairly deep cuts'.

    That, ah, reads just a little funny.

    It was at this moment that Mercury realized that after almost three months, she had just found one of last of the missing Senshi.

    this moment -- that moment (Tenses?)

    The black cat shook her head. "No, knowing her, she'll probably mess up her lines. Rei's too... temperamental. No, I need _you_, who can think rationally and get the point across."
    "Oh, I see."

    Ah, building towards an Ami/Makoto(Ranma) matchup. Interesting.

    Luna instantly executed a back flip, trails of sparkling lights following her through the maneuver. As she reached the apex, the lights coalesced into a thin cylindrical object and dropped to the ground.
    The cat then pointed her paw to it, "That's Jupiter's transformation wand, much similar to yours and Rei's. Go ahead, I want you to hold on to it."

    to it, "That's -- to it. "That's

    Ami complied as she took it. Luna nodded in satisfaction. "Now, when you find her, all you have to do is to give this to her..."

    Since taking the wand would be complying, that's a little redundant. Perhaps just picking it up, and looking at Luna with whatever emotion belies her opinion on the subject? She's got to have one, and there's a good chance it's important...

    "Makoto, take this stick!" She handed the rod to the dazed girl.

    ... That was brief.

    Mercury pressed on, "Take it! Take it and say the first line that comes to your mind!" She could see signs of distrust in Makoto's eyes, so she added, "Trust me, Makoto."

    'cause someone walking up to me and saying, "Take this. Trust me," always inspires _me_ to trust them. ;)

    The pink bow on Jupiter's chest had the unfortunate effect of attracting Mercury's attention to her now-obvious talent, reminding Mercury of how underdeveloped she was, momentarily. Shaking off her feelings of inadequacy, she cleared her throat and addressed the new Senshi, "Jupiter, we've got to help Sailor Moon!"

    That whole bit feels awkward. Would Mercury _really_ be taking the time to be jealous of Jupiter's bust size in the middle of a battle?

    The newest Senshi nodded and stood up, and pointed at Zoycite, who was currently keeping Sailor Moon busy. "Hey, you asshole! I'm gonna kick your ass!"

    ... It works, but for the repetition. Still, it's spoken, so that happens.

    An instant later, Mercury was left blinking at the space where Sailor Jupiter had just stood earlier as Jupiter attacked the startled General. Zoycite barely had enough time to react and deflect her attack with his petal-attack.

    Makoto: Hah! I've shown you only a FRACTION of my TRUE power!

    He turned around to face his new attacker, even as he felt his anger intensify as he saw the _second_ Senshi to appear in as many minutes! They were dropping out of the countryside like flies! Worse, he couldn't identify this new Senshi, which most likely meant it had to be _another_ new one!

    It's gonna be one of those days for the Youma general. You just know it.

    As his eyes flickered around the place warily, he spotted Sailor Moon and Mercury getting into position for an attack and swore. The three-to-one odds were too much even for him to handle. He quickly decided that it would be prudent to retreat. "All right, you win--" He never got his chance to finish as Jupiter connected solidly against his jaw for the second time. He reeled in pain.

    attack and -- attack, and

    The trees rustled suddenly in the intense wind as the creature of darkness roared into existence, streaking towards Jupiter. Its two pincers clacked nosily in anticipation of inflicting extreme injuries, although the beast clearly was looking forward to decapitation of its victims.

    Awkward. How do they know it wants to decapitate them specifically, as opposed to general violence?

    "Supreme... Thunder!" Then everything seemed to explode as the electrical current expanded outwards from the Senshi. In a blink of an eye, the current arced a trail between her and the abomination of the nature, electrocuting him with thousands of volts. Its body spasmed violently as it convulsed in pain. As the brilliant electrical display faded, the beast dropped to the ground, unconscious.

    the nature -- nature (and if it's from a different dimension, wouldn't it merely be 'abomination'?)

    Zoycite brought his arms up to deflect a low kick and gave up some ground, which in turn forced Jupiter to follow through her kick with a high roundhouse. This unfortunately forced the senshi to overexert herself when Zoycite instantly retreated just as she had executed her kick, leaving her momentarily vulnerable. An opportunity the General quickly took advantage as he unleashed his petal attack, "ZOI!"

    You use 'unfortunately' a lot, which is probably something you want to avoid excessively in prose.

    Much to his surprise, instead of avoiding it, Jupiter simply barreled through the petals, sustaining multiple cuts and socked his jaw again before he could recover.

    Heh. Though I imagine the brine would make those cuts sting like nine bloody hells.

    Zoycite staggered back, but the young Senshi refused to allow the General a respite. Pressing her unyielding assault, she followed up with a powerful roundhouse kick to his abdomen, forcing him to double over again. She quickly brought up her hands into a double-
fist attack, but Zoycite had recovered quickly enough to deliver a solid uppercut to Jupiter's jaw, sending her flying partially and to the ground. He quickly cast his petal attack, hoping to kill the accursed senshi before she could recover.

    'Double-fist'? Not familiar with that one, but I'm guessing you're going for the attack they use in DBZ all the time -- the double-armed hammer-strike.

    The General yowled in pain, only to have air forced out of him as Jupiter instantly executed a complex reverse-twist suplex, neatly flipping him over her shoulder. Then, before Zoycite could counterattack, Jupiter retreated to assume a defensive position.

    She was in complete control of the battle -- why on Earth would she back away when she could press her advantage? Or is she unsure of killing him?

    "That's wonderful!" Usagi gushed suddenly, embracing her friend. "Wait until Rei and Luna finds out about this! They'll be so surprised to meet you!"

    finds -- find

    Usagi blinked. "What's wrong, Makoto?" Her friend jerked her head to Usagi, blinking. Finally, she cursed again.

    What happened to 'Mako-chan'?

    Yet... she could feel doubts gnawing at her thoughts. Why was it so hard for her to understand what was really going on? She had always been firm, so sure of herself until she had gotten that... that transformation wand from Usagi!

    Always? Even right after Jusenkyou?

    "That's right. I'm Ranma Saotome, not Makoto Kino or Sailor Jupiter, or anybody like them. Not at all." He sighed as he tried to convince himself.

    I still don't understand why he's pretending to be a girl over a boy, though...

    Makoto closed her eyes after she read the last of the lines of the entry of that particular day. It had been, what? Almost two years since she had changed back into a guy.

    Last sentence is a tad awkward.

    ... Right.

    When she had fallen into that cursed spring, it had taken her weeks just to accept the fact that she had shared a girl body. The fact that her father had left her behind shortly thereafter, claiming that she was no longer 'worthy of being his son' also had hurt her badly.

    Huh. Okay, I follow...

    It was only a coincidence that woman had stumbled across her when she had. If it hadn't been for her, she might have never...
    She frowned. Now that she thought about it, it had to be anything but a coincidence. Bah! Whenever that woman was involved, everything about her was immediately suspected.
    It was often a best idea to avoid that woman like hell, unless the unfortunate ones didn't mind being manipulated and having their lives screwed up even worse than the American politics.

    That sentence is awfully awkward. I _think_ I understand what you're trying to say, but I'm not sure...

    ... and now you've lost me.

    The scenery quickly absolved of its volition; no longer accompanying the frightened girl.

    ... what?

    http://www.dictionary.com/cgi-bin/dict.pl?term=absolved

    You really probably want to rethink that passage.

    Inside her locker, a gleaming golden-green Jupiter transformation stick rested snugly between her school slippers.

    a -- the (?)

    Makoto winced as she read about what she had done that day. She had heard from Rei and Ami about how much she had hurt Usagi's feelings that day. After Zoycite had attacked her couple days later, they had confronted her about her actions and chastised her rather severely.

    I get the feeling that the the introspective approach you're trying for really gives too much away.

    "In her round against Zoycite, she exhibited uncanny degree of skill in martial arts. I've managed to recognize some elements such as Aikido and Judo, and several other forms that I haven't had time to identify yet. Considering Makoto's high expertise in fighting skills, she must have had rigorous training for at least six years, possibly even more."

    Aikido is the most defensive form of martial arts I know of -- from the way you described the battle, none of it qualified.

    It sounded more like general brawling, though I guess you could have Ami recognize it as Jeet-kun-do (hush, Andrew, it is too a viable art), or better, just Kempo.

    "I also found it interesting to notice that Makoto has unusually high levels of stamina and endurance. She shrugged off Zoycite's attacks as if they were nothing. She also has shown remarkable tolerance to pain, as well as incredible speed. You haven't seen Jupiter in action, Rei. Usagi and I have. Her physical stats as Makoto are almost comparable to ours when we're Senshi, but I imagine that they're monstrous when they're augmented by her Senshi form."

    On the NEXT episode of DragonMoon Z...

    "Oh my god, she's gone SUPERSENSHI!"

    "You must be joking, nobody can be _that_ strong."

    Ryouga: Ahem!

    "I _saw_ her, Luna. She _single-handedly_ fought Zoycite to a near-standstill and might have won if he hadn't used his magic against her. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it." Ami pulled out her Mercury computer, a miniature computer that packed the equivalent half a dozen supercomputers into a dimension of a pink compact, and punched in some information into it. After a minute, she flipped around her computer so she could show the display to Luna. "Not only Makoto has a lot of finesse, she knows how to use her body efficiently in combat situations.
"Based on these statistics, I'd speculate that Makoto would be at least sixth to eighth dan in at least five variations of martial arts, not mention that her specialty seems to be incorporating a wide variety of elements of those skills into her arsenal of fighting ability."

    Looks like a formatting error. Also, won't pretty much everyone who's reading this already know what the Mercury computer is? :p

    "Passive magic usually do not activate unless some outside stimulus provokes it. Much like water and sodium. Sodium are normally inert, but when water is added, it reacts violently, causing an explosion and can ignite fires."

    do not -- does not
    Sodium are -- Sodium is

    Luna protested. "That's very dangerous. Not everyone you meet might be so nice. Remember those THREE bullies you told me about? They could've hurt you!"

    protested. "That's -- protested, "That's

    "Could she be a ronin?" Rei frowned.

    Modern meaning being someone who fails to get into college (Love Hina, Maison Ikkoku).

    Is this an altaverse, where samurai still exist? If so, can women _be_ samurai here?

    "But that's not all what I learned. I also saw a guy."

    what -- that(?)

    "We could always try asking her." Ami mused lightly. "I did manage to find her general address, though."

    She got financial records and birth certificates, and only a 'general' address?

    "Maybe she's not back home yet?" Ami suggested. "Makoto might have gone somewhere, or gone shopping."

    So going somewhere and going shopping are entirely different things? :p

    She raised an eyebrow at her.

    'She' and 'her'... which is which?

    "So does that mean a kick to a guy's balls ain't right way to deal with horny guys like him?"

    guy's - guys (repetition)

    Ranma glared at her, folding her arms. "Are you going to give me one of those 'It's a Senshi's duty' talks now, aren't you?"

    What grounds does he have to say such a thing? Has she given him such a speech before? Otherwise that's a little out of the blue...

    Together, as one, they moved as they attacked Zoycite, catching him by surprise. Needless to say, the fight was *very* brief.
    "Shabon Spray!"
    "Fire Soul!"
    Ranma couldn't resist adding in her two cents. "Supreme Thunder!"
    Zoycite screamed as the combined might of Mercury, Mars, and Jupiter struck him. He was charbroiled, electrocuted, and frozen simultaneously. He collapsed to the ground and this time, the General didn't come up.

    After all the buildup, that was... brief.

    "And to think I used to be so insecure of my 'manhood'," Makoto muttered.

    This would go a long way towards explaining why I can't reconcile your Ranma with canon-Ranma.

    Ami giggled. "That reminds me about your first period after you found out that you're a Senshi."

    you're -- you were

    "Shut up, Ami." How was she supposed to know that after accepting the Senshi nature of her had meant that every nuance of her senses were amplified several times-fold, and that included her already-heightened sensations she experienced whenever her body underwent its monthly cycles.

    'times-fold'? I don't think that works quite the way you meant it to.

    It had begun, innocently enough, with an ask of help...

    'ask of help'? of -- for (?)

    This time Makoto did abandon her cooking completely. "You want me to be Sailor Jupiter again?" She tried to cover her disgust and a trace of anger, but failed miserably. Ami picked up on that.

    If Makoto is female in pretty much every other sense, why is she still not wanting to be Sailor Jupiter?

    "We've located her hideout in Point D near North Pole," Rei explained, "And we're planning for an all-out offensive against her forces. We can't afford to let this opportunity to go to waste, now that we've eliminated all four Generals, along with most of her youmas. Beryl's at the most vulnerable at this moment."

    'Point D'? Isn't the plural form of youma... youma?

    Makoto didn't have to look into her journal to find out that several pages after the Point D incident were blank. She had purposely left them that way. While it severed as a symbolic gesture, it clearly illustrated how little she had managed to recall of the events that had occurred afterwards. Even Ami and others had only little recollection.

    severed -- served

    Repetition of 'recall', 'recollection'.

    It shouldn't have happened, Sailor Moon thought numbly as she stared in the shock at the bruised and battered form of her dearest friend, Makoto. Even Mars was having difficulty in trying not to lose whatever she had eaten earlier in the morning.

    the shock -- shock

    Before Moon could do anything, Mars forcefully dragged her away even as the remaining youma descended to attack them at their moment of greatest vulnerability.

    Commage.

    Two black birds cawed loudly as the runaway girl passed past them, startling them. However, a raven-haired girl came by and soothed their anxiety by offering them some food. "Enjoy some, Phobos and Demios." Rei told them. As her pet ravens did so, Rei took a deep breath and marveled at the clear skies, hoping that there wouldn't be too much petals on the ground for her to sweep away in the afternoon after her classes.

    too much petals -- too many petals

    "Hello, Diary.
    "It must feel strange for me to write this, but I don't think I've really introduced myself to you. My name's Makoto Kino, but at times I still catch myself going by my other name.
    "I'm sure you already know what I'm talking about. After all, as soon as Usagi gave you, I felt compelled to write down everything I could remember about what happened to me ever since I met her. That was five weeks ago, but I still've got a lot left to write down.
    "I hope you'll be patient little longer.
    "I still don't remember much of what happened after I... died... in North Pole, but next thing I know, I was alive and with Usagi and my friends. I didn't know what had just happened.
    "Sometimes I wish I had known. If I had, a couple of things wouldn't have happened, but... oh well. It's fate, I guess.     "But, you know what? On that same day, when I woke up with no memories about what had happened after our last fight with Queen Beryl? Luna had later told me about how concerned she had been for us.
    "Nothing had been truer than Luna's concerns at that day."

    I don't know if you need the quotation there.

    "And besides, I've considered the challenge of taming the 'wild' Makoto Kino rather irresistible myself."

    Wow. Taking churlishness to new depths!

    All of the sudden, they saw the girl Makoto had sacrificed her life for in the past, alive again but this time as a normal girl. Usagi was staring at Makoto's bento box, drooling. Since then, Usagi had grown before them from a spoiled and whiny girl, maturing into a fine young Princess Makoto... no, Sailor Jupiter had remembered and fulfilled her duty in protecting her to her own death once more again.

    Princess Makoto makes it seem like Makoto is the princess in question.

    "So... are you, uh, back with us?" Luna asked nervously, trying not to dwell on the mysterious link between Makoto and this mysterious pigtailed boy phantom.

    Repetition, mysterious.

To be continued (Unfinished.)

    Cool.

I hope you enjoyed this piece of work; if any of you have had visited my site, the chances are that you may have read the draft version. This version isn't much different from the one on the site, save for the errors that I caught while proofreading.

Please keep in mind that this fanfic is still a work in progress.

I apologize for having not been active lately, so I thought I'd post this fic and give you something to tide over while I finish my work on segment III of Riptides. For those who are fans of Riptides series, here's the good news: it's almost complete, and will be sent off to prereaders as soon as the final two sections are written.

Until then, happy holidays and happy New Year,


DA/R
Dark Alpha
DarkAlphaR@aol.com
http://darkalpha.anifics.com