} From: "D.F. Roeder" <droeder@houston.rr.com>
} Date: Tue, 11 Dec 2001 22:19:38 -0600

I don't have time to do C&C, really.  But somehow, this
compels me. :)

That's an encouraging thing for me to hear. :)

} Akane Wanna Cracker?

I think *this* is the fic you should have entitled "Not Quite
What You Were Expecting." ;)

Aw, now... :)

} A steady rain fell, obscuring pedestrians as they
made their way
} up and down the sidewalk. A silhouette appeared,
walking up the
} center of the road, and it eventually resolved into a
redheaded
} young woman with a large black-and-blue macaw perched on her
} shoulder.

These two sentences feel a bit disjoint.  Some transition,
such as "Through the haze, a silhouetee..." would help, I
think.

Hmmm, what I don't like about my original (upon reflection) is the
identical opening structure of both sentences. I think if I adjust
that, the disjointed feeling will go away.

} The redhead snickered, then burst into laughter.
"'SQUAWK!'" she
} aped.

Heh.  Avoiding the obvious pun?

As in "parroted" versus "aped"? Uh, I think the former would be a
bit much, under the circumstances. ;)

} "Indeed, so. A very large parrot... or so it seems..." Kasumi
} appeared distraught over the discrepancy in what everyone saw.

That last bit seems awkward to me, as it's obvious why
Kasumi is getting flustered.  Were it me writing this, I'd
probably put something like "Kasumi was getting visibly more
distraught," but then, I'm not writing this. ;)

I'll review it, but your suggestion of "was getting" is a
passive-like use, which I try to avoid, if not always
successfully. Again, upon reflection, I don't like my original
"everyone saw". It's only Ranma and Kasumi, and it should be
written as such, I think.

} Ranma looked at Akane. "Akane, do you see a parrot anywhere?"
}
} "SQUAWK! ... Baka..." Akane flapped her wings once. "Uh... Hi,
} Oneechan-- SQUAWK!"

This is a great scene.

Thanks!

} "WAAAAHHH!!!" Soun broke in. "MY GRANDCHILDREN WILL
*HATCH*!!!"
}
} "With the power to crack the world's shell?" Nabiki jibed,
} smirking. Everyone stared at her blankly, and she
waved it off,
} rolling her eyes. "Never *mind*..."

Heh.

So far, those that have written in understood the reference. :)

} "Just wonderful," Akane lamented. "He defeats her
*again*, and now
} I've got to wait for another kettle..."
}
} The silence in the room stretched.
}
} "...SQUAAAWK!! Oh, hell..."

It took me a second to figure out why Akane said "oh, hell"
-- normally, I'd expect something like "dammit!"  (Or,
perhaps, I'm just dense; always an option.) But it's bloody
funny. :)

Mmm, either works, I think, and thanks!

Anyways, this is a great little spamfic.  Weird, mind you,
and I'm positive that if I ever find out exactly *why* you
decided to write this my brain will smoulder into a greasy
lump of ashes, but definitely fun.

I thought your brain was already a greasy pile of ashes, Bjorn. :P

Thanks for both the serious and the MST-style C&C. Much
appreciated.

Yours,

**********************************************
D.F. Roeder
Fanfiction at http://home.houston.rr.com/onnaranma/index.html
Quick & Dirty FFML Author Links at
http://www.rakhal.com/dfroeder/qdlinks.html

"Once my Chow Mein has you-- It's all over!"
     - Cologne

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