*tests Raye-san for a temperature*   No long opening
notes?   Are you feeling ok?  And this seems shorter
then usual....

*snip*

"You shouldn't be here, Persephone," Beryl had said,
without looking up. Her words fell in the silence as
though they were cast from lead. "Aren't you loyal
to
the Queen of the Moon?"

Nice choice of names for Pluto- oddly enough, I
haven't seen it used much.   The Queen of the
Underworld suits, but whence comes her spring?

"I don't know," Persephone, Lady Pluto, had replied
into the stillness. "I guard the future, not the
present. And... and even I have heard the cries of
the
people, and I can't deny the truth... And I love
you."
She dropped her own eyes. "I don't know who I serve
anymore, not since I met you."

*eeps*   This just squicked me!   I thought "The
Hellfire Club" got to me!   *runs from Raye, muttering
that the other writer has gotten decidedly ODD!*

Beryl lifted red-rimmed brown eyes to Persephone's
face. "Do you hate me?" she asked softly. "For what
I'm doing, what I'm about to do - do you hate me?"

Persephone took the final few steps to the Throne.
"No," she murmured, reaching out to gently brush
away
a few red threads of hair that clung to Beryl's
cheek.
"I could never hate you."

Beryl's hand reached up, firmly trapping
Persephone's
against her cheek. "This time tomorrow, I'll have
taken Endymion to my bed," she whispered. "Can you
forgive me that?"

These genders confuse me.... *blinks*   I feel like
I'm missing something.  Isn't Endymion Noin?

"I can forgive you anything," Persephone returned,
her
own garnet eyes trapped by Beryl's. "Ask it of me
and
I can't deny you anything."

Beryl stood up quickly, forcing Persephone to take a
step back. Persephone's hand still rested on her
cheek. Beryl reached up and pulled her head down,
kissing her gently. "I will give you a daughter,"
she
said firmly, the words echoing with the strength of
a
vow. "I take Endymion only to secure the throne away
from that tyrant on the Moon and to gain our
daughter." She had kissed Persephone again, and the
Lady of Pluto had let herself be distracted....

Tyrant?! *is very very confuzzled*

Another, more recent memory surfaced. Treize, his
coppery hair cropped short against his head, looking
at her through a vidscreen. "How many have died in
this battle, Lady?.... Give me their names
later...."

I thought so.... Treize as Beryl, demo...
Your whole GW universe makes my head spin, Raye-san.  
Like I said, it makes me feel like I'm missing
something.

But there had been no 'later' - no mutual mourning
away from the prying eyes of their followers.
Instead,
only she had grieved for the fallen, a grief
unfairly
overshadowed by a more personal mourning. 

Anne sighed softly, sunk deep in the memories of two
lifetimes. Which reminded her. 

Fragment- use an ellipses?

She slipped from her

own room, to the one next door.

Marimeia lay, fast asleep, in the warm bed. She
wriggled under the covers, humming in her sleep as
Anne pushed the hair away from her face, as bright
and
silky as her father's had been in his previous life.

*g*  This amuses me....

*snip*

"That you have a lead foot, Maxwell. As apparently
Barton does also," Wu Fei commented from the
doorway.

Quicksilver too!!!   *smiles*   Never caught, though!

*snip*

Breakfast resumed, and no other comments were made
about the previous night. However, all the attendees
kept a covert eye on the American girl as she ate.

I always though of Hilde as German!  Schbeiker!!!

*snip*

Below Him, the planet swam in its blue and emerald
and
ochre beauty. Scarred, yes, but beautiful and
perfect
for His purposes.  It wouldn't be like it had been
on
their homeworld. This time, His people had learned
from their mistakes. No selfishness, no
exploitation,
no war. There was room enough for everyone here....

...If they could just get past these Sailor
guardians.

I see the effect you're intending here, but I don't
think it works.   Combine the above paraghraps, and
use a hypen.   Save the ellipses for somewhere else. 
Perhaps?
 
*snip* 
 

Hilde felt the eyes on her as she finished her
breakfast. Although she chose to ignore the stares,
it
was a close thing. She sincerely felt like jumping
up
and screaming "Yes! Yes, I *am* the embodyment of
Death and Destruction, GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT?!"

I still think it should be Quat or Duo.  *sulks*  
Hilde is a War Goddess.

*snip*

/He hasn't been quite *this* chirpy since he was
Baldur,/ she thought inconsequentially.

*g*   The God who is only vulnerable to one thing, the
most beloved among Gods....

/They believed Pluto,/ she thought sadly, her
thoughts
returning to the subject at hand. /Never mind that
Pluto doesn't *know* me and never did. 'Her only
power
is to destroy worlds' - as *if*./ She shook her
head.
/But then, when did any of them ever get close
enough
to see what I *really* am?/

Peresephone, Baldur- you're mixing mythology so much,
lovely.   It's making slightly dizzy.  Now that I
think of it, Peresephone shouldn't be Pluto's name if
you're trying to make Hilde into the Death Goddess.  
Your mixed mythology....

But breakfast ended before the local cinema opened
for
the day, so there was some time to kill before they
left. Everyone else had decided to come along as
well.
Marimeia had been very insistent, as soon as she
heard
that the new Valdemar film was playing. 

I wouldn't start with the "but"
*squeals at mention of Valdemar happily*    I WISH
there were films!!!

"Isn't she a bit young for the infatuation with
horses?" Quatre had asked, as Marimeia headed off
for
her luggage - which had been delivered from the
hotel
the night before - and her Rolan t-shirt.

*would personally be wearing an Altra Tee....*

Anne had shrugged. "Marimeia has always been
precocious. I'm not looking forward to what comes
after horses." 

"What *does* come after horses?" Zechs asked the
table. 

"Boys," Anne and Noin had replied in unison, with
equally dreamy, reminiscing expressions. Noin had
shot
him a nostalgic glance, and Zechs had flushed bright
red and kept quiet for the rest of the meal.

*laughs hard*   I skipped the horse phase... but for
most gals, very true!

So now they were walking in the gardens, full of
bright flowers and well away from the rosebushes.

Neither Hilde nor Duo liked them much. Bad memories
do
that.

However, they were not alone.

COmbine the above three somehow.

"I spy with my little eye," Duo murmured, "...*five*
chaperones aaand *two* stickybeaks."

stickybeaks?   Huh?  am i stupid, or is that you being
Aussie again?

*snip*

Relena was not avoiding the rosebushes, and so was
standing in front of a beautiful double-bloomed
sugar-pink variety.

However, its magnificence was lost on her. She was
busy trying to remember.

Combine the above two.

It seemed terribly unfair that, while everybody else
had at least a measure of memory from the Silver
Millenium, she had nothing. Nada. Zero.

Anne had smiled at her ruefully when she had tried
to
broach the subject and had said, "Perhaps you should
not try. It is not like you need to remember, and
there is much pain in the past."

She'd frowned. "But it's *my* pain! Don't I deserve
to
remember?"

She'd= she had... it'll flow better, IMHO

*snip*

When Zechs heard the scream from the garden, he
didn't
stop to think. He just came charging out of the
villa,
intent on....

Stopping dead.

*laughs her head off*   THERE you go!   Nice effect!

Dorothy smirked, and transformed, inciting instant
wonder and envy in all witnesses as to how she did
it
without the inane magical phrase. "You may *attempt*
to!"

*dies laughing*   Dorothy WOULD be the one to figure
it out!

"Oh boy," Trowa said.

TROWA?

Author's Notes:

   1. Since so many people missed the yuri in
Chapter
Three, here's the much-expanded version. Please
enjoy.
This is my first try at yuri, so feel free to rip it
apart.

*rip rip*   No, merely confuzzled.   How would
seducing the then-Endymion help?   Was Noin a male in
her last life?   Am I missing the obvious?   Should I
go back and reread?

   3. Baldur was a Norse demigod. The son of Odin,
the
head of the Norse gods, and Frigg, the goddess of
Earth and mothers, he doesn't appear to have been
the
particular god of anything, although he was very
bright and cheerful, so almost everybody liked him.
When his only enemy managed to kill him, Hel, the
goddess of those who did *not* die in battle,
honoured
him highly and did not want to release him from her
realm.
   Although Hel did set conditions that were not
met,
there seems little doubt that if Baldur himself had
sought freedom, Hel would have (eventually) released
him. Therefore (at least in this fic), I assume that
Baldur did not wish to leave Hel.

*blinks*   Actually, it was Loki who killed Baldur-
wasn't it?   According to my version, Loki trigged a
blind God into throwing a dart of.... mistletoe? 
well, some kind of plant... at Baldur.   All the
plants and animals and everything in the world had
promised not to harm Baldur, so the Gods thought it
was great sport to throw things at him... the only
thing that had been overlooked was a small bush, which
made no such promise.   Loki gave a twig to the Blind
God,  and he threw it, killing Baldur, who was then
condemned to Hel.  I think.... I haven't read my Norse
mythology in a while.

I'm not sure I can give this piece my usual thumbs-up.
  For most writers, I would, but this isn't your best
effort.   It's confusing (the mixed mytholofy really
urked me...), and the paragraphing needs some work-
you've been using very short paragraphs in your more
recent pieces. While I understand this is for dramtic
effect, it loses its effectiveness when done
frequently.

*smiles*   Characters are right on, though, and it's
an enjoyable read.   Just needs some clarification.

Chiao, babe!

QS

=====
"HOW DARE YOU LOOK SO MUCH LIKE MY SAFFIR-CHAN!"

http://www.homestead.com/quicksilverslabyrinth

http://www.method.org/gundam

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