Akane Wanna Cracker?
A Ranma 1/2 Shortfic
By
D.F. Roeder
Thanks to Vince Seifert for giving this a quick once-over, and
thanks to the assorted persons who have read this at one time or
another -- you know who you are. :)
========================================
A steady rain fell, obscuring pedestrians as they made their way
up and down the sidewalk. A silhouette appeared, walking up the
center of the road, and it eventually resolved into a redheaded
young woman with a large black-and-blue macaw perched on her
shoulder.
"Ba-a-ka," the redhead said. "I *told* ya it was gonna rain. Well,
you'll learn now, or stay wet all the-- OW!"
The parrot retreated from having bitten the woman's ear. "Just get
us to some hot water!" it said. "SQUAWK!"
The redhead snickered, then burst into laughter. "'SQUAWK!'" she
aped. "HEY! NO BITIN'! HAHAHA!!!" She started running, forcing the
bird to take wing.
"Ranma-no-baka! SQUAWK!! Get back here so I can chew off another
piece of your ear!!"
"With your gripin' or your bitin'? HAHAHA!! HEEEE!!!" However,
Ranma stopped and waited for the parrot to settle on her shoulder.
"Just had to get all worked up and just *haaad* to go to Jusenkyou
to get me a cure. Wouldn't listen and wouldn't take no for an
answer, and took off by yourself. Jeez, Akane, you could'a waited,
instead'a me havin' ta chase ya all the way there. I still don't
understand why you DID that!!"
Akane-macaw turned her head away, although with eyes on opposite
sides of her skull, she could still see Ranma to some degree in
just about any direction she looked. She turned anyway, just for
the effect. "I *thought* a certain *someone* might appreciate it!"
"Uh-huh... And didn't work, after all," Ranma finished sadly.
Guilt-ridden silence ensued on the part of the bird.
Ranma smirked, lightening the mood. "Awww, c'mon, Akane. Gotta put
a good face on it. Ya have to admit that it *is* kinda funny.
'SQUAWK--' OWW!!!"
~~~~~
"Tadaimaaaaa!!" Ranma called, as she and Akane entered the Tendou
home. Ranma doffed her shoes.
Kasumi glided down the hall from the kitchen. "Welcome home,
Ranma. Where's Akane? ... ... And why do you have a parrot on your
shoulder?"
"Parrot? There's no parrot on my shoulder."
"I..." Kasumi looked uncertainly between Ranma and the bird. "Are
you certain you do not see a parrot roosting on your shoulder?"
"A parrot?!" Ranma asked, incredulous. Akane-macaw rolled her
eyes.
"Indeed, so. A very large parrot... or so it seems..." Kasumi
appeared distraught over the discrepancy in what everyone saw.
Ranma looked at Akane. "Akane, do you see a parrot anywhere?"
"SQUAWK! ... Baka..." Akane flapped her wings once. "Uh... Hi,
Oneechan-- SQUAWK!"
*THUMP!*
Ranma -- and Akane, who had to turn her head sideways -- peered
down at the unconscious Kasumi.
~~~~~
"Oh, myyy," Nabiki drawled. "Akane's a bird." The family watched
Akane stalk around the table, stopping occasionally to preen.
"Oh, dear." Kasumi laid a hand against her cheek. "Should I put
down newspaper?"
"Ranma! SQUAWK! Where's that hot water?!" Akane yelled. "I'm in
here doing BIRD stuff!!"
"Coming!" Ranma sang from the kitchen.
Soun had been and still was in full wail. Genma and Nodoka just
stared, and Kasumi fanned herself.
Nabiki grinned from ear to ear. "Come on, Akane, say 'Pieces of
Eight!'"
Akane put a wing over one eye, opened her beak, and stuck out her
knobby tongue. "Biiiii-da!"
The shoji to the backyard exploded inward, and Shampoo announced
herself. "Nihao!! Shampoo hear Airen back in town."
"Oh, great-- SQUAWK! It's the Bimbo from Beijing."
Shampoo leaned over and peered at the large bird. "Who you? And
Shampoo never been Beijing. Mousse go once."
"I'll tell you for one thousand yen," Nabiki said
"WAAAAHHH!!!" Soun broke in. "MY GRANDCHILDREN WILL *HATCH*!!!"
"With the power to crack the world's shell?" Nabiki jibed,
smirking. Everyone stared at her blankly, and she waved it off,
rolling her eyes. "Never *mind*..."
Shampoo blinked, then smiled cattily. "Ah. Bird is Akane, no?
Maybe neko-Shampoo eat you for lunch one day, yes?"
Nabiki snapped her fingers for lost opportunity (and yen), as
Akane flew up and hovered in Shampoo's face, her crest of feathers
standing straight up. "JUST TRY IT!! SQUAWK-SQUAAAWK!!"
"HAHAHA! Hiibaachan will get big laugh from this!"
"Grrr..." Akane flew back to the table and tried to pick up a
glass of water, but her talons couldn't find any purchase and she
ended up knocking the glass over. "Rats! SQUAWK!"
"Here, Akane," Nabiki said, tossing her water onto Shampoo. "This
one's on the house."
"HAHA! SQUAWK!!"
Neko-Shampoo crawled out of her clothes, growling and tensing to
jump. Ranma chose that moment to walk in, and she threw her hands
into the air. "CA-CA-CAAAAT!!!" The kettle went flying, its
contents arcing out ahead of it. The hot water hit Shampoo, and as
she grew, she met the kettle halfway with the top of her head,
knocking her out. She steamed on the tatami, nude and unconscious.
Akane had taken to the air again, and she flew around the room
once before settling on the hilt of the wrapped katana strapped to
Nodoka's back. Nodoka leaned her head to one side and stared up at
Akane's cursed form.
"Just wonderful," Akane lamented. "He defeats her *again*, and now
I've got to wait for another kettle..."
The silence in the room stretched.
"...SQUAAAWK!! Oh, hell..."
========================================
END AKANE WANNA CRACKER
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