SHIN KIDOU SENKI GUNDAM WING
SAINAN NO KEKKA
Belief: Helena


"No one can know our loneliness
And no one can see us weeping,
All our tears from aching hearts
While others are still sleeping."
--Dedication to the Fallen Officer
**************************

She hated camping, but she really had no excuse to
avoid it.

Chris had gotten it into his head that an overnight
trek into the dense forest that surrounded Cliffside
would be fun, and Duo had quickly seconded the motion.
Shinobu had shrugged in an accepting fashion, and
Ilene had thought it a brilliant plan. 

That left her.

She had argued that the bugs would be out, to which
Duo had produced a bug net and a couple cans of bug
dope. Unrelenting, she insisted that the ground would
be uncomfortable, but Ilene had embarrassed her by
cheerfully agreeing, saying that it was "part of the
experience". It was when Shinobu had calmly informed
her that she could tape her favorite vid show (which
she would be missing) that she almost screamed. Chris,
though, looked at her with his liquid chocolate eyes,
and she found any other objection she could come up
with melt away. She was being childish. It was just
that she liked her creature comforts.

That was how she found herself trailing along after
Duo, who was chattering away happily at Shinobu in
Japanese. Ilene was enthralled by the scenery,
uncharacteristic silent as she inspected various
aspects of the trail.  Every now and then the group
was forced to halt to let the girl inspect a mushroom
or insect, or whatever had caught her attention.

Chris walked behind her, carrying a heavy bag on his
soldiers.   He was the largest, and had drawn the
unfortunate task of lugging the tent.   Duo and
Shinobu were each toting large packs (Duo even had
packed on an extra sleeping bag for Chris), but the
tent was the heaviest thing.   Every now and then he
would direct Duo on the proper direction.

It would have made sense for Chris to lead, but Chris
was not a leader by nature.   That was Duo, or her.  
She refused to take responsibility for this crazy
trip.   She was positive it would end in disaster.  
Helena just hoped that she survived without breaking
any bones.

Helena was not, to put it mildly, an outdoor type.

The tight French braid was almost giving her a
headache, but she didn't care let it down.    Ilene's
pigtails were already attracting stray leaves, and she
hated to think of the problems the other girl was
going to have trying to brush it out.   She'd suffer
the almost-headache instead.  She felt like she had
been marching near forever when Chris finally glanced
around and pronounced the site acceptable.  

Duo immediately set his pack down and made a display
of stretching.   "Oi.... man!   I thought we'd never
stop!   I got dibs on the s'mores!"

"Duo, we have to sent camp up before we can begin to
cook!" Ilene said. She set down her lighter backpack
and walked over to Chris to help him take the tent
out.  "Now, if I remember right, we have to lay it out
before we start to hammer the pegs in..." she said.

Shinobu was quietly building a fireplace, raking away
dead leaves and finding large rocks to outline a
circle.   Helena sighed and collapsed on a nearby log,
digging through her bag for more bug dope.   She was
afraid of getting eaten alive; the mosquitoes always
seemed to prefer her blood.   

Duo, though, was active.   One moment he was dropping
down a pile of stones next to Shin, while the next he
was gathering firewood.   Once or twice he bounded
over to Chris and offered opinions on the tent, but
Ilene quickly shooed him away.   Helena divided her
time between watching him and watching the skillful
way Chris dealt with the tent, despite the fact that
this was only his fourth time camping. 

"I hate this," she muttered, scratching at a newly
forced bug bite.   "Why did I let you talk me into
this?"

"Because you can't say no when Chris really wants
something?" Duo teased from across the camp.

She threw her pillow at him.

Eight hours later, after a pile of s'mores and a night
of teasing and ghost stories, Duo and Helena were the
only ones still away.   The night, while chill, was
beautiful out and the others had decided to sleep
under the stars.   Helena was unable to sleep on the
ground (she suspected that Ilene had purposely snuck
some extra rocks under her sleeping bag), and Duo
never seemed to run out of energy.   He claimed to
have once gone five days without sleeping, and she
believed him.

Duo was sitting by the fire, staring into it.   She
sat close to him, resisting the needed to cuddle in.  
She had Chris, but Duo was awake, and the sweater he
was wearing looked soft.   She was a tactile person,
unable to resist touching things.   Firmly she
suppressed the urge to move in closer.

Helena caught the glint of something golden around
Duo's neck.   "What's that?" she asked curiously,
pointing at it.   He had never struck her as the kind
to wear a necklace.   Perhaps it was some token he had
exchanged with his girlfriend, the one he wouldn't
talk about.

"Huh?"   He reached up and felt his neck, and his eyes
widened in horror as the slim gold chain fell off into
his hand.   "Oh, shit..... I broke it."

"It can be fixed," she said soothingly.   "I know a
good jeweler in Burlington- I'll drop it off for you
the next time I head to town."

His eyes seemed to be wider then his face could
contain.   "You don't understand.   I had a cross on
it... it's very special."

She rose to her feet.   "We'll wake the others up, see
if they saw it."

He shook his head.  "No- if they did, it'll still be
there in the morning.   If not... well, it's gone."

"When was the last time you had it?" she asked.

"I always wear it under my shirt.   The last time I
remember it was when I got dressed this morning after
my shower."

"Maybe it's in your room."

Duo looked skeptical.   "Perhaps."

"Or... could you stand up?"

"Sure," he said, still distracted.

"Excuse me," she apologized.  Helena went over to him
and jerked his shirt out of his pants.
   
"HEY!" he protested, pulling out of her grasp.  A
flush of embarrassment was working its way up his
neck.

"I said excuse me!" Glancing around, she smiled as she
saw something on the ground.  "Thought so!" she
gloated as she bent to pick up the large, yet simple,
golden cross.   "It fell down your shirt, and since it
was tucked in, it was caught."

"Thank you!" he said, relief flooding his eyes.

Helena stared at the cross in her hands. "I thought
you didn't follow any religion," she said
thoughtfully.

Duo's eyes were fastened on the religious artifact.
"Where would you get an idea like that?" His voice was
distant and she had the feeling that he was lost in
his memories, at another time and place.

"You never go to any of the services, not even on the
major holidays. I know Father Monica has tried several
times to convince you to come to our Midnight Mass on
Christmas, but you always made an excuse, even though
I knew you weren't doing anything. And I remember how
you maneuvered your way out of Comparative Religions
this semester."

"I used to be Catholic, a long time ago."

"What happened?" she asked softly, clenching the
cross. It bit into the fleshy part of her palm, and
she knew that when she opened her fist, the marks
would be engraved on her skin.

"God died."

She blinked once, twice. She had never considered
herself religious. Helena's family was Episcopalian,
like many old American families. Still, she was known
as a "Chreaster", someone who only went on Easter and
Christmas, because it was expected. She took
communion, but never felt the bond with Christ that
was supposed to bring. At times she had wondered if
there was a God, but now she knew.

She loved God. The idea that he was dead.... it burned
her to her soul.

"How can you say such a thing?" 

Duo's smile wasn't bitter, only sad. He picked up a
nearby stick and started to poke throw the dimly
glowing embers of the fire, stirring it back to life
for brief seconds.   "Have you ever known someone who
is not quite of this world?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... someone who knows -not believes, knows-
that's there's something bigger then them, and trusts
that fate will take its course."

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

Duo turned the stick over in his hands, then stared up
at the sky.   "Someone who is good."

"Good?  Good at what?"

His laugh was forced.   "People aren't black or white.
  Most people are a mixture of good and evil, though
most try to do good.   I knew a boy.   Over his life,
he met some people who were pure evil -something he
hadn't believed was possible.   Selfish, cruel,
destructive.... sadistic.   People who reveled in
their dark side."

She maintained her silence, hoping he would continue,
even if it was in the third person.   Duo rarely
opened up, but he considered her safe.   She wasn't a
romantic interest, wasn't a rival, and didn't want
anything out of him.  She was honored that he trusted
her- until she had met him, she hadn't realized what a
precarious thing friendship really was.   And how
special friendship could be when it was true.   She
had the feeling Duo would walk through fire for her,
and finally realized that she would do the same for
him.   Friendships like that were special, and
something to be cherished.

"That boy started to lose hope.   He didn't grow up in
the best environment, but I think he saw more of
humanity's savagery then most people do in a lifetime
before he was ten.  Then he met them."

The embers from the fire seemed to flare on cue, and
she shivered, wondering she felt like someone had just
walked over her grave.   To avoid watching the flames,
she stared at the cross, consciously loosening her
grip.   "Who were they?"

Duo looked at her.   "The personification of
humanity's strength."   His hand extended and his eyes
focused on his cross.   "Can I have it back?"

She handed it over, wondering why she felt bereft when
the cross fell into his hands.   He pocketed it
quickly, giving her a quick thank you.   He started to
rise to his feet.   "Duo?" she asked.

"Yes?"   He resettled into his seat.

"You never answered me.  Why is God dead?"

"Because to a child, seeing those people who are truly
good die is like seeing the death of all hope.   And
to me, God meant hope.   How could there be a God if
he let good people die?"

"People die all the time.   We are born, we live, and
we die.   It's a cycle."

"That's natural, I agree- but what about when the
deaths aren't?"

"Meaning?"

"Murder by corrupt forces, murder by the people who
should have been protecting them. You know why I wear
a cross?"

"Obviously not through faith."   It made her feel
melancholy.

"To remind me... of that boy.   Of that boy who was
given a cross by people he'd learned to love, and
finally learned to begin to believe in.   And of those
same people who weren't protected by the God they
followed so faithfully."

"If they followed him so faithfully, and the boy had
so much trust, wouldn't it be a better memorial to
continue their beliefs?"

Duo looked at her, and caught her hand gently in his. 
 "You're so innocent," he said wistfully.   "I hope
you never have reason to change."

She wasn't able to think of a response.   At that
moment, he looked old enough to be her grandfather.

"We'd better turn in.   We have a long hike back to
civilization tomorrow."   He added an extra log to the
fire and moved back into the shadows, where his
sleeping bag lay.

*****

After a long, tiring hike back to Cliffside Heights,
Helena's instincts were screaming for her to head to
the bathroom to grab a long soak, but she knew that
she had something more important to do first.

She rummaged through her over-sized jewelry box,
muttering.   Her mother was something of a world
traveler, and was constantly sending a unique piece
that had caught her eye.   Most of them were elaborate
and unsuited to what she wanted to do, but finally she
found a 36' chain what wasn't too elaborate, or too
delicate.   Giving it a quick jerk, she nodded in
satisfaction to notice that it was pliable, but not
fragile.   

She quickly hurried up the stairs to the fifth floor,
and over to room 564, which Duo shared with Chris.  
This was the first time she'd ever gone looking for
Duo.

She knocked on the door gentle, and heard Duo call out
for her to come in.   She stepped into the room, not
at all surprised to see him staring reflectively out
over Lake Champlain.   He had a fascination with it,
something She and Ilene teased him about.   Chris,
though, wasn't there, which made it easier.   She
wouldn't have to explain.

"Chris is in the shower.   I'll have him call you when
he gets back," Duo said, falsely anticipating her
needs.

"I didn't come to see him.   I came for you."   She
quickly walked across the room before she thought
better of it.  "Here you go," she said. She held out
the glistening chain, which caught the light and
reflected it as though it had been made for this
purpose. At that moment, the chain became more then a
piece of metal; it became a symbol.  Or
friendship...of trust...and a promise.

/You're not alone, Duo.  Your friends are here.   All
you have to do is let us in./

Duo looked surprised. "Um, I'm not the jewelry type.
Beside, won't Chris get jealous?" he teased.

She gave him a gentle smile. "It's for you, until you
get your old chain fixed," she said softly. "It's not
too feminine, and I think your cross should look okay
on it."

He reached out in a tentative fashion, which she
reacted to by laying it across his hand gently. "You
may not believe in God right now, but you want to.
Someday you'll find it within yourself to believe
again, and when you do, your cross should be with
you."

Duo's blue-violet eyes looked moist, but no tears
fell. "Thank you. It means something to know you
care." He took the cross out of his pocket and
threaded the chain through the loop, then slipped it
over his head. 

She smiled as she saw the cross rest right over his
heart. She'd never seen it on him before, but it
looked right there. "Not just me. Ilene, Chris,
Shinobu...you have many friends. If you can't believe
in God, believe in your friends." She reached up and
touched the cross, smiling up into his eyes.

He smiled back.

END BELIEF


=====
"HOW DARE YOU LOOK SO MUCH LIKE MY SAFFIR-CHAN!"

http://www.homestead.com/quicksilverslabyrinth

http://www.method.org/gundam

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