Comments on this revision would really be appreciated!
karaohki@snet.net
Cuisine Retribution
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by June "KaraOhki" Geraci
November 25, 2001
Revised December 6, 2001
Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, not me. I've
borrowed her characters for this story. This story
is for entertainment purposes ONLY, and may not be
used commercially. I don't own Iron Chef, either!
It is the property of Fuji TV.
-------------------------
Akane sat in the classroom, doing her best to
concentrate on her lessons. She normally had no
difficulties keeping her mind on her schoolwork, but
this day was different. A long-awaited lesson was
planned for cooking class, and she was determined to
get it right. Kasumi had tried to teach her.
Auntie Nodoka had tried to teach her. She had tried
on her own, and even gone to the trouble of buying a
brand-new cookbook.
All of the efforts had failed. Akane simply could
NOT make sushi.
"Today I succeed," she muttered.
"Miss Tendo? Did you have something to share with
the class?"
Akane's attention snapped back to Miss Hinako.
"Nothing at all! I'm sorry."
*****
"The tuna must be sliced thinly, Miss Tendo. Do not
hack at it with your knife. Your motions should be
smooth and gentle."
Akane nodded, feeling the beads of sweat on her brow
begins to drip down. She was concentrating so hard
that she did not hear the commotion at the far end
of the room until her name was called.
"AKANE TENDO!"
She knew that voice. Akane whirled around. To her
disbelief, Takeshi Kaga stood at the other end of
the room, pointing a gloved hand at her. Sequins
adorned his flowing cape, and he wore patent-leather
boots. What would the Chairman of Iron Chef want
with her?
"You are to come with me. Now!" Kaga strode
forward, his boot heels clicking on the floor. The
crowd of students parted before him, murmurs of
apprehension coming from their lips. Akane was
unable to move. She made no effort to ask any
questions, and when Kaga took her by the arm she
quietly walked beside him and out of the school. A
great whooshing sound filled her ears, and for a
moment Akane thought she was going to pass out. She
closed her eyes, trying to deal with the sensations.
*****
"Welcome to Kitchen Stadium!"
Akane opened her eyes. She was lying down, and
something was covering her. When she tried to move,
she realized that the covering was cloth, and it was
weighted all around. Since she was still feeling
overwhelmed, she listened to see what was happening
around her. She was certain that the voice speaking
earlier had been Kenji Fukui, the announcer of Iron
Chef.
"We have a very special theme for our audience
today. Instead of a challenger taking on one of our
Iron Chefs, they will all be cooking today.
Chairman Kaga has decided that it is time for them
to address a serious problem occurring in Nerima
Ward. This problem is something that the Chairman
cannot tolerate. Bad cooking. But before we reveal
the special theme, let me introduce the Iron Chefs!"
Akane listened as Mr. Fukui named the chefs.
"Iron Chef Chinese, Kenichi Chin! Iron Chef French,
Hiroyuki Sakai! Iron Chef Italian, Masahiko Kobe!
Iron Chef Japanese, Masaharu Morimoto!"
Then the Chairman spoke. "Today I have a special
assignment for you. We must remove from our
presence the worst of cooks, the cook that threatens
the very essence of Japanese cuisine. Nay, she
threatens cuisine worldwide! I reveal to you your
challenge, your enemy, your secret ingredient!"
The cloth over Akane vanished, and she stared up
into the eyes of Chairman Kaga. "Your ingredient!
Akane Tendo!"
*****
"NOOOOOOO!" Akane threw herself out of the way as
all four Iron Chefs converged on her. "You can't
cook ME! I'm a person!" She backed against the
wall below the Royal Box, breathing heavily. While
she did so, the chefs began to argue.
"Let me go first!" demanded Iron Chef Chinese. "I
want to stew her, and that takes time!"
The other three chefs conferred briefly, and Chef
Sakai responded. "Go ahead, but be careful. She is
a martial artist, accustomed to fighting."
The chef produced a cleaver. "I think this will be
helpful."
Akane shrieked and ran around the kitchen toward the
judges' seats. Her mind briefly registered that
some familiar faces were sitting there: The
politician Shinichiro smiled at her and raised his
chopsticks, Keiko Saito merely giggled, and
Yoshizumi Ishihara looked quite hungry. What made
her stop dead in her tracks was the fourth chair.
Instead of Asako Kishi, the food critic, a very
familiar person sat there. Her fiance.
"Ranma?" she whispered.
Ranma grinned and waved cheerfully. "Hey, Tomboy!
I figured this'd happen sooner or later!"
"WHAT?" Ranma grinned at Akane again, and she
became aware that Chin was coming up behind her.
"You mean you're not going to help me?"
"I can't! I'm one of the judges! You want me to
cheat or somethin'?"
Akane's shock was so great that she found herself
trussed up and on one of the counters before she
could react. The Iron Chef was dousing her with
spices and oil, which made her sneeze. The sneezing
was brought to an abrupt halt when Akane heard
another all-too-familiar voice.
"Excuse me! What are those spices he's using?"
"Kasumi??" Sure enough, her sister was leaning down
from the Royal Box.
Everyone ignored Akane as Shinichiro Ota ran down
the ingredients for her sister. "The Iron Chef is
using sesame oil, lemon grass, garlic, soy sauce,
and black bean paste. This should impart a great
deal of flavor and tenderness to the final product."
Fortunately, no one was paying any attention at all
to Akane, as they watched Kasumi make notes of the
recipe. This allowed her to use her bound hands to
grab a knife and free herself. Her next step was to
deliver a vicious snap kick to Chin's chin, knocking
him cold. Once again, the roaring noise overwhelmed
Akane, and she began to black out as the program
went to commercial break.
*****
Akane swam back to consciousness when she heard
Ranma's voice. "Hey! Nice job with that kick!
Look out for the guy with the knife."
"What? Where?" Akane spun around in time to duck
the outstretched hand of Chef Sakai, who had one of
his large knives in his hand. She had seen him use
knives too often not to know that she was in great
peril. The man could peel an apple in seconds, his
hands moving nearly as fast as her fiance's fists.
"Get away from me!"
The Iron Chef specializing in French food just used
the smile he normally used to make ladies all over
the world melt. It didn't work on Akane. "Come
now, look in that pan! I have everything waiting
for you! Fois gras, cream, truffles. Just a little
Akane Tendo, and the dish will be perfect, and I
will be the victor!"
"No you don't!" Akane pulled a wok off the stove
and threw it at the chef, but he ducked. She
smiled. The distraction had worked perfectly.
While Chef Sakai was off balance, she swept his legs
out from under him and trapped him beneath a giant
steamer.
"Damn, Akane! How could you! I took so many bets
on Sakai, because he's SO cute!" Nabiki leaned down
from the royal box, shaking her fist at her younger
sister. "Now I have to pay off!"
"Tough! Go borrow from Kuno!"
As if the mention of his name summoned his presence,
Tatewaki Kuno appeared before Akane. "I shall
rescue you, my love!"
"Go get him, Akane!" Ranma's yell nearly made Akane
smile, but her situation was too dangerous. She
instinctively ducked from under Kuno's attempt to
embrace her, and pushed. He lost his balance,
teetered, and landed in a giant vat of tempura
batter. Bubbles began to rise to the surface.
'I suppose I shouldn't let him drown.' With that
thought Akane grabbed a large slotted spoon and
lifted Kuno out of the batter. Unfortunately, at
that exact moment Chef Kobe chose to attack, and she
slipped on a wet spot on the floor and dropped Kuno
in a wok filled with boiling peanut oil. Kitchen
Stadium grew completely silent as a giant Kuno
dumpling floated to the surface, browned perfectly.
Then the audience burst into applause and cheers.
"I can't believe it. I finally make something right
and it's Kuno!"
The whooshing sound came again, and once more Akane
lost consciousness.
*****
"Our judges conferred during the commercial break,
and the decision was made to disqualify Chef Kobe
from the competition. The judges all agree that
since the assigned ingredient is Akane Tendo, and he
caused a dish to be prepared with Tatewaki Kuno
instead, this constitutes a violation of the rules."
'One less chef to worry about. Good.'
"I protest! My tomato sauce is already simmering,
and Miss Tendo would have made a perfect filling for
ravioli!"
Chairman Kaga called Chef Kobe to his side, and the
two of them began a whispered argument. Akane tried
hard to hear what the men were saying.
"Akane, watch out!"
Ranma's warning came a second too late, as Japanese
Iron Chef Morimoto knocked Akane cold with one of
her own mallets.
*****
"During the break I asked Chef Morimoto what he
plans to do with Miss Tendo. He mentioned sushi,
and when I asked for details he did say something
about a giant tuna roll." Mr. Ota's voice and
description was enough to bring Akane out of her
stupor.
Akane was tired, and the lump on her head hurt a
lot. She was covered with sesame oil and spices,
her uniform was cut to ribbons, and somewhere in the
process her shoes had vanished. Now she was lying
on a bed of rice, being covered with tuna, wasabi
paste, and other sushi ingredients.
Then it hit her. She wasn't going to die. Tuna
roll was traditionally served raw, and perhaps that
would give her a chance to escape. Morimoto had
made a fatal error.
Dr. Yukio Hattori dispelled that illusion. "I see
the chef is going to make his famous alternate
version of classic tuna roll. He's heating up his
deep fryer, and preparing batter. The last time the
Iron Chef served this dish, it was accompanied by a
delightful gorgonzola sauce. This is going to be
quite a treat! Chef Morimoto's deep fried sushi is
beyond compare."
"No, please don't. Ranma, help me! Don't let him
fry me! I promise, I'll never cook for you again!
I promise!"
Akane felt herself being lifted, and the scorching
heat from the oil surrounded her.
*****
Akane flew into a sitting position. For a moment
she was disoriented, but she soon realized she was
in her bed. The sheets, her hair, and her nightgown
were soaked with sweat.
It had been a dream. No, not a dream. A nightmare.
And it had been meant to tell her something. She
was a martial artist, and not a cook. Perhaps that
was the way it was meant to be.
Akane got her clothing together and crept downstairs
in the light of the early dawn. She bathed,
dressed, and tiptoed into the kitchen, where she
collected every single cookbook she had ever
purchased. Then she went behind the dojo and built
a fire.
"What are you doing?"
"Ranma?"
Ranma pointed a finger at the fire. "What are you
doing?" he repeated.
Akane gestured to her cookbooks. "I'm not going to
cook anymore. Ever. I'm just no good at it."
Ranma crouched down and looked Akane directly in the
eyes. "You're pretty bad, but not that bad. And I
didn't think you were a quitter."
Akane's chin came up. "I'd think you'd be happy
that I'm not going to poison you anymore."
"Nah. I can take anything you can dish out. You're
never gonna be an Iron Chef, but--Akane?" Akane's
eyes had widened as Ranma spoke, and he reached out
and caught her as she turned deathly pale and fell
over.
"What'd I say?"
--------------------
My heartfelt thanks to my partner, Fido, for giving
me the idea, and to the members of Group 2 in last
night's One Hour Challenge on FFIRC, for suggestions
and editing assistance. Thanks also to Gary for his comments and
suggestions.
--------------------------------------------------
http://karaohki.anifics.com
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You could turn this way,
I'm also lonely
this autumn evening
Basho
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