Among the stories the name Aes Sedai were also spoken, some good,
others bad. 

[This sentence makes no sense.]

Once there were both male and females with mystic powers who
wore such a title, now there were only women. 

[This sentence is a comma splice and is an irrelevant digression to the
subject at hand which is the fade.  You need a smoother segue into your
exposition.]

Siuan Sanche, known for
her recent dethroning as the Amyrlin, the chosen leader of such a clan,
had done little better then anyone else. 

[More clumsy exposition, and "of such a clan" is wrong.  She was the chosen
leader of all the people who call themselves Aes Sedai.]

The cold, utter hatred stare of
a fade is as terrifying as the first time it was experienced, Aes Sedai
or not.

["The cold, utterly hatefilled stare of a fade was as terrifying now, as the
first time she felt it, Aes Sedai or not."7]

        The fade moved with uncommon grace, slipping into the blackness of
the surrounding scenery. It seemed to phase in and out of view every so
often, blending in completely with the darkness, but not long enough.

[Redundant.  "The fade moved with uncommon grace, seeming to phase in and
out of view as it blended in completely with the darkness for moment, only
to reappear all too soon."

With a cloak of pure darkness that never moved; it silently moved

[It moved but the cloak didn't?]

towards her, never wavering, staring with those soulless eyes to strike
fear into its prey. It had an exposed blade out, a wicked blade as dark

[Redundant.  "It had a blade exposed, wicked and dark as everything else
about the shadowspawn, but the outline of the blade was always clearly 
visible."]

some sense had gotten back to her. Facing the creature, she tried to use
her powers, quickly if not fumbling in doing so.

[use her power, fumbling in her haste.]

channeled. She made the weaves of air as thick as she could manage to
contain the fade, not a wise thing to do told by old lessons. One was
taught to never do anything short of destruction to any shadowspawn.
Still the fade seemed effected little if none at all. 

["Still" doesn't make sense.  I would expect her doing the wrong
thing to have little affect (not effect).]

>From Siuan's point
of view it had almost seem to smile at her feeble attempt.

["It almost seemed to smile at her feeble attempt."]

       Reevaluating her efforts, Siuan deposed of the idea of air and opted
quickly with fire. She channeled with all of her strength, a bright
stream of fire flew from her hands at the shadowspawn as she shouted,
"Die!" To her fear the fire trickled down and vanished in front of the
fade as if some invisible barrier just squelched the stream. Siuan's
eyes widened, and mentally cursed to the unknown.

[Delete first sentence.  Replace "flew" with "flowing" and "fear" with 
"shock".  Her eyes did not curse.  One hopes.]

      The fade seemed to slow down, but little else was done as the storm
of fire continued to flow towards it. *How can this be happening, my
power isn't what it was, but it should have died. Died!* Siuan took a

[Did it seem to slow?  Or did it slow?  Question mark after "happening".]

letting up the blazing hot fire. Renewed panic and fear struck her with
vengeance as the situation rapidly spun out of control. *Stay back! Die,
burn you, DIE!*

[a vengeance]

        On the other side of the pitch black plane, if you can call it that,
was of little better scene. A young boy faced off his latest opponent.

[Hunh?  What pitch black plane?  "of little better scene" doesn't make sense.
"against his".]

Ranma Saotome of the 'Anything Goes Martial Arts' was doing badly in his
fight with the black cloaked thing. It was more like a struggle than a

[Are there two fades?]

       Normal men, even abnormal men, would cringe at the sight of a fade's
stare, but Ranma while still frightened had worst than the creature ever
could produce, namely Akane's cooking smelled, tasted, looked, and
probably was more dangerous then the creature could be. But that didn't

[That joke from the narrator is entirely inappropriate.]

matter now; he clenched his teeth putting all his strength to release
the hold from his opponent. *I'm not gonna loose to a thing like you!
LET me go, damn you!*

[lose]

       Siuan's efforts were having ill effects on her. She was channeling
with every bit of strength she can manage and beyond that. Her hold on
the One Power was weakening. The strand of power that connected herself
to Sadiar, the female half of the power, was strung high. Slowly it was


[What ill effects would those be?  If it is just losing her grip on the
One Power, then delete the first sentence and replace "She" with "Siuan".
Also, it's "Saidar"]

        "Is something the matter Siuan? You seemed worried to the point of
running me over," Egwene, now Amyrlin looked at her. Siuan's tutoring
had made Egwene act at least like the Amyrlin despite her youthful face.

["Is something the matter, Siuan?  You nearly ran me over."]

Maybe I'm going crazy*  "I'm going to Leane to ask her something. Do you
know where she might be Mother?" Her face never wavered, giving no sign
of her emotions, but Egwene knew better.

[Comma after "be"]

        Egwene blinked and quickly leaned closer to Siuan. "Is something
really the matter? You two are not to be seen with each other." Her
voice lowered to a whisper. Aes Sedai could not lie. They could make
truth stand on its head though, but Siuan was an exception. Another

[More clumsy exposition.  "Most Aes Sedai could not tell a direct lie,
but Siuan was an exception."

        "I just got this last night," Egwene pulled out a folded letter,
"it's a message from our group. They ask for you Siuan. Want you to go

[Missing comma.]

        There were little need for things to be discussed more and Siuan
left in search of Leane. *First Alric and now Caemlyn, could this be
Moghedien's revenge?* Things always got more confusing for Siuan in the
time of the Dragon Reborn.

[Delete the paragraph above.]

        In the streets of Caemlyn, Ranma was quite annoyed. The whole way
here, there was not a drop of water on the road. That was except the
splash of water on the now her. When he went up to a guy in a wagon
asking for directions, the guy accidentally spilled his water bag on

[hadn't been a drop of water, except, of course for the water skin
a wagoneer had spilled on Ranma as he asked for directions.  The guy'd
fainted, but not before...  Incidentally, this is kind of pointless, since
he changes back before anything happens.]

western movie with knights in shinning armor and stuff. Obvious with all
the guards around, and the large palace that he could see even before he
reached the gates.

[He wondered why the knights only had armour on their shins.]


Doing her best impression of 'One more look and I'll kill you' stare,
people quickly looked elsewhere.

[Actually Ranma just looks kind of cute and adorably angry when 
she tries to give that stare as a girl.  Nobody ever was discouraged
by it until she hurts someone.  And "Doing her best impression"
is wrong.  It should be "She did her best impression of a"]

        There were five grizzly men circled around Siuan's moaning body.
Each had a fairly deadly weapon at hand, clubs, knifes, and the sort.

[grizzly?  They were bears?]


        "She's on of those Aes Sedai witches. Kill her!" one said.

[one]

       "Hey, what did I say?" Ranma spoke brashly back giving a mutter
"Uncute tomboy" at the end. He then felt and saw her anger go up more
than he thought already possible. *Uh oh, looks like she heard that one*

[asked brashly, and muttered "uncute tomboy"  Which, by the way, doesn't
make any sense since Siuan is by no stretch of the imagination a tomboy.]

       The boy, Ranma Saotome, had not even known he was bonded.  Ranma was
very poor at keeping his face straight, either that or he was a very
cunning liar. Siuan would have to right either one of that if he was to

[Uh...they're bonded.  She already knows he isn't lying.]

        Not far from the wave of fireballs, smoke, and rocks, two figures
stood watching the scene, if one can see beyond shadows over the cloud
of smoke. One was cloaked in white with a hood hiding the identity; the
other was a misty figure of a person long thought to be dead.

[What do you mean "thought"?  She IS dead.  She's bloody well pining for
the fjords!]

        "Your really quiet Moiraine-chan," a cute girl's voice spoke. "If I
have you hanging around with me, let's at least have a normal
conversation."

["You're really quiet, Moiraine-chan,"]

        "Moiraine, I thought you were dead. What happened to you?" Finally
Rand spoke as if unsure of what he was seeing.

[Moiraine II:  Well, I did die.  But I'm feeling much better now.]

        After a few silent uncomfortable moments, "Well answer!" the old
leathery face Sorilea a demanded. She had the face that told it was not
a good thing to speak before her. Everyone, but Rand, who spoke before

[After an uncomfortable moment of silence, the old, leathery faced Sorilea
demanded, "Well?  Answer!"]

[Everyone but Rand who spoke]


        Ryouga Hibiki also known as eternal lost boy, snarled at the
incoming armored creatures. They just came out from the night, at first
a couple, then more. Though their weapons were deadly, they had little
skill above looking hideous. He guessed someone would fall under the
constant attack, but he had been more hard pressed the time he was
constantly slammed by boulders.

[He guessed that even some fairly skilled martial artists would have 
fallen under the constant attack as they tired, but...]

        "Where did you learn that boy? You don't look Aiel, but those
movements, a deadly fighting style." Lan's question now had been easily
answered. *So he was an unarmed fighter* Besides what the Aiel did, bar
brawling was not very effective against an armed opponent, but this
kind, if you had a sword and knew how to use it, you should pray to the
light that you would walk out alive. It made sense, the way he moved,

[Needs to be rewritten for clarity.  "those movements look like a deadly 
fighting style", "Apart from the Aiel fighting methods, bare handed combat
wasn't very effective against an armed opponent, but against this boy, he
suspected that even an expert with a sword would be lucky to walk away 
from a fight against this boy."


	     .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'