Aaron E Nowack wrote:

Here goes...

This chapter both took far too long and is far too long.  My apologies
for both.  I only hope that some kind souls out there will choose to look
past these faults and read this, and perhaps even to lighten my dreary
life by sending a missive regarding their impressions of the work?

    Righty-o!

Or, in other words:  Sorry this thing took so long, but it sure is huge
(for me, at least).  Any C&C, positive or negative, is vastly
appreciated, even if its only a line or two... it helps to know that
people are actually reading these things... :)

Now, to try and catch up on my backlog of fics to read and C&C myself...

    Heh. Still trying, myself.

           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.geocities.com/anowack/

    Are you secretly Slacker?

        Jadeite cursed as he strode into his throne room.  Youma
scurried out of the dark lord's path, as it was all too obvious that he
was in a less than pleasant mood.  And if there was one thing that had
been instilled into the instincts of all youma over the millennia of the
Dark Kingdom's existence, it was to stay out of the way of powerful
beings when they were in bad moods.

    Wonder why they never run from the senshi, then...

        The end... sometimes, it still gave him nightmares, as hardened
a villain as he was.  The hordes of youma storming the walls... the
deadly thunder of the bombardment, revealing once and for all how
devastating the power the Fleet had held had been... the awesome power
of the insane, corrupted Dragons... the Seven Great Youma, combined to
form a being rivaled only by Metallia herself... countless incidents of
futile heroism... countless lives darkened by cowardice at the final
hour... the all consuming fury of the Champions.

    Does he think of himself as a 'villain'?

    Man, he's letting his mind wander. Nice insight.

        Jadeite smiled as he lowered himself onto his throne, and the
collected youma of his court breathed a sigh of relief at the apparent
change in their lord's mood.  "So," Jadeite asked, "What news from the
front?"

    asked, "What -- asked. "What -OR- asked, "what

        That was enough to kill the momentary relief of Jadeite's
servants.  "My lord," a particularly brave youma began, "Your Generals
managed to halt Mordrangar's advance several days ago."

    began, "Your -- began. "Your -OR- began, "your
    Should 'Generals' be capitalized?

        "Very well, Hakar," Jadeite said as he rose.  "Your bravery
would be better put to use fighting my enemies, I believe.  You are now
in temporary command over all operations against Terra... General
Hakar."  As the court fell into chaos at the sudden promotion, Jadeite
departed in a whirl of flame.  Then, the scheming started.

    Heh. I like that.

        Jadeite growled as he reappeared in his personal chambers.  He
supposed that his Generals had done better than he had expected, having
managed to halt Mordrangar at all, however briefly that had been.
Jadeite slowly calmed himself.   He would have to deal with Mordrangar
now, no matter how much he would like to concentrate on Terra.

    Should 'generals' be capitalized? ;)

        And Metallia's Eye had brought Metallia's children.  The youma.
Those few humans who knew anything about them did not know their origin,
and nor did the youma themselves.  Their first appearance in the annals
of the Silver Millenium had been five years before those annals closed
for the final time.  All that had been learned by then was their
loyalties, and their skill in combat... two lessons the Silver Millenium
learned all too well.

    and nor -- , nor -OR- and neither

        A hand reached out and flipped the off switch on the alarm.
Immediately, the buzzing noises stopped.  Though unfortunately for
anyone else in the room, they were swiftly replaced by the loud snores
of the young girl who should have been awakened by the alarm.  These
snores would, moments later, cause the room's other inhabitant to rise,
but that is getting ahead of the narrative.

    You need a fourth wall repair kit? Nasty hole you got there... ;)

        A voice answered this one, a voice that simply stated, "I'm up!"
To prevent the reader from being fooled, it should be noted that this
was a subconscious reaction, and that at no point during this sequence
of events had the young girl in question fully awakened.

    Not sure breaking the fourth wall that much is really neccessary.

        Not too long later, Usagi was racing down the street outside her
house, a half eaten piece of toast located in her mouth.  There was
remarkably little damage, considering the chaos that had unfolded the
previous day.  Of course, this area was not where the actual fighting
had taken place.

    Man, anime girls have that chronic lateness thing... And tell me, how is TOAST supposed to be an acceptable meal, anyway, huh? Haven't these crazy kids heard of powerbars?

        At this point, Allana Farrel, the gaijin who had recently
purchased both the Crown Arcade and Cafe, stepped over to the table.
"Do you two need anything else?"

    Fanboy senses tingling... Youma?

        Allana smiled, nodded, and left.  She quickly headed across the
room to speak to another group of customers.

    Isn't that ironic...

        Unazuki shook her head, coming out of her brief reverie.  "Yes,
but it's reasonable that they would have teleported to Luna for the end.
But Saturn?  Serenity had..."

    Repetition of 'but'.

        "No."  Motoki looked Ikawa in the eye.  "That is not being
contested here.  The issue is whether we should cease initiating
operations against the Senshi until we have Awakened the rest of us."
        Unazuki was the first to respond.  "It seems reasonable to me."
        Tamori nodded.  "Agreed.  There is no point in throwing our
lives away."

    I like this a lot.

    Not the standard cannon-fodder/insipid morons of many anime villains, these...

    ... but then I get a sense that they're not quite villains, either.

    And, of course, I don't remember the previous chapters. :p Oh, and feel free to ignore me, too. I hear a lot of people do it nowadays.

        Meno looked thoughtful for a moment, then spoke.  "True.  I do
not believe that we would accomplish anything in fighting the senshi now
other than leaving Earth vulnerable to the youma assault.  Yesterday
made it clear that they are more of a threat than we anticipated."

    spoke. "True -- spoke, "True (?)

        The sun's light beat down upon the space where yesterday the
Osa-P shopping center had been.  Now, however, what stood there was
merely a charred ruin.  It was merely luck that had kept the blaze from
spreading as far as it might have... luck and the efforts of a few brave
souls.

    Mmm... Collateral damage.

        The Tokyo Police Department and Fire Departments were out in
force, investigating the fire.  Yet a certain despair hovered over these
men, one in its own way equal to those who had lost their homes, but
thankfully not their lives, to the blaze.  It was the job of these
people to prevent occurrences like this, but both had failed in their
duties.

    Hmm.

this game was dead serious... and seriously deadly.

    Nice.

        "I understand," Naru said as Usagi left.  "I understand," she
repeated, this time in a whisper.

    Mmm. Ominous. MOST ominous.

        First, the left flank assault had gone off early, and the other
two armies had been forced to attack before they were ready.  Then, a
too skilled commander on the other side had realized what was occuring,
and the enemy had managed a retreat to the main battle front.  From
there, the engagement had spread until it was a full-scale battle all
along the front lines.

    too skilled -- too-skilled (?)

        Ares returned his attention to the Senshi at his feet, his sword
arm tense and ready to strike.  Uranus sneered.  "Go ahead," she said.
"Prove I was wrong to let you live."

    Hmm.

        Ares stiffened, then slowly retracted his weapon.  "We're even
now," he said simply.  He then nodded to his fellow Champions.  "Let's
get out of here."
          The Champions swiftly departed, pausing only to retrieve the
fallen form of Zeus.  For tonight, the battle was over.  For tomorrow?

    Interesting.

Author's Random Ramblings

1) Another chapter down... this one being the longest one yet.  As
always, all comments are appreciated.

    Well, I generally liked the story, I'm just sory I couldn't offer more useful coments.

    I got lost quite a few times in the flood of new characters, but the backstory is something that really caught my interest...

2) As always, my deepest thanks to those who bear the burden of turning
the drek I churn out into to something readable: the few, the bold, the
prereaders.  This time, they number three: Angus MacSpon, Rebecca
Nowack, and Chaeotica.

    Pre-readers. Gotta love 'em. ;)

3) I'm pondering two different directions for this story to take: one
would be to keep the current 20 chapter outline and shorten chapter
length, the other would be to trim some of the fluff and have a smaller
number of larger chapters.  Any comments from the quasi-mythical readers
of this fic on this question would be most helpful.

    Well, the answer to that is: Whatever you feel is best. ;)

    Sorry about the lateness of the reply, still trying to catch up on my backlog.