Jari S wrote:
This is my first honest attempt at Yu Yu Hakusho (well, there is one other
YYH fic I have completed, but... That one is very short. *shrugs*) I'm
not afraid of -constructive- C&C if anyone feels the need. Lol. This story
arch should run about 3 parts (guestimate). Also, this fiction is non-yaoi,
non-shounen ai,
Gee, only in Yuyu and similar fics do you _have_ to put up an actual 'non-yaoi, non-shonen ai' disclaimer, ne? ^^;
though it does star Hiei and Kurama. I'd give it a PG,
possibly PG-13?) rating. Thanks for reading.
Yay! Great... not too many Yuyu fics out there, so I'm gald to see this one coming out of the wood work. ^_^ My comments are as follows:
**Swap**
I sat by the window, drinking tea and enjoying my evening meal. The room
had been growing dark around me, but I did not bother to turn on any lights.
My mother had said she needed to work late tonight at the office, so to
go
ahead and eat without her.
Sounds akward. I would suggest:
'... so I felt it was okay to go ahead and eat without her.'
I missed her company, but I knew she was
probably happy right now-the man she's been dating was probably working late
with her, too.
The sun set orange, yellow and red over the late autumn canopy of my
backyard while I savored the taste of my meal. It was a pretty view, but I
really did not feel like being alone tonight. I could hear every board
creek, every branch rustle, and the soft click of the furnace as it began
its new cycle. I was tempted to turn on the stereo to drown it all out. My
ryouko-self
I do believe this is supposed to be 'youko' self. That is, unless this has become a different sort of swap that involved Washuu in some way or another....
would have been annoyed with my foolishness. It's not that my
senses are strong-after all, I'm physically only human-
'It was not that my senses were...'
it's that I was
listening for my mother's return.
I suggest dropping the 'it's that'
I knew she wasn't anywhere near by. The room I continued to eat in was dark
and still as I stretched my other senses outward. I expected to feel the
pull of the plants, since, of course, not all were growing dormant in
preparation for winter,
Too many commas. I suggest ending the sentence here.
but instead, I noticed something else. I sensed a
consciousness.
Someone was out there in the woods, watching me.
I thought about it for a while, and then came to the realization that it
could only be Hiei. Kurama no baka.
So, I picked my chopsticks back up off my plate and began to eat again,
making a point to savor each bite. I wasn't sure what Hiei was doing out
there in the forest watching me like that, but. If it really were
'was'
a matter
of great importance
Suggest putting a comma over there. Just a friendly suggestion, is all. ^_^
he would confront me soon. He's not a coward, after
all,
And an ellipsis over here, since there are so many commas...
he's just introverted.
Hiei: Hn. You should speak, Mr. Extrovert.
Still, my curiosity was peaked. As I sat there
eating I stretched my senses out, hoping to learn more.
Fifteen minutes went by and what was left of my evening meal had grown cold.
I wondered.
Also an ellipsis here or put some quotation marks with 'was he spying on me?' in between.
was he spying on me? I stood up, pushed the chair in, and
carried my dishes to the sink. Maybe. Maybe he was just waiting for me to
finish my meal. Or. Maybe my human mind was just playing tricks on me.
Youkai can be so judgemental with humans, ne? ^^;
I
dumped the uneaten portion of my dinner into the garbage then rinsed my
plate.
Still, the fire demon did not come. Impatiently, I sighed, now frustrated.
I began to think maybe I should give Yuusuke a telephone call and see if
there was any new reikai tantei business at hand.
Yusuke: Wow... we have a telephone? Say mom... didn't you sell our telephone set for a bunch of booze? Owwww!!! Mom, not the ear!!!
Why else was Hiei
watching me?
Random Rabid Fangirl: ::wicked grin::
Looking at the kitchen window, seeing only my own reflection, I spoke, fists
lightly clenched. "Hiei-if you have something to say, you better tell me
now-Okaasan is due back any minute."
Just a li'l nitpick... Kurama usually just uses the shortcut, 'kaasan.' But it's ok... what's the difference between 'mom' and 'mother' anyway?
There was no way I would allow him to
come knocking at my bedroom window. A guy needs his beauty sleep, after
all.
I turned away from the sink and left the kitchen.
Fifteen minutes later Kuwabara-kun called with a math question. I really
wasn't that busy and he really wasn't all the eager to go back to his
studies, so we chatted a while. He seemed to be in a somewhat amicable
mood, but. the more we talked, the uneasier he became.
"Kurama?"
"Yes?"
"What's goin' on?"
Kuwabara: I mean, if you find me attractive and all, all you need to do is tell me... I'm not into that, but I would really wish that you'd be at least honest with me, and....
Kurama: Kuwabara-kun?
Kuwabara: Yes?
Kurama: I suddenly feel slightly a bit more disturbed than before.
I chuckled a bit, though even I noticed that I didn't sound happy.
Something was bothering me. I closed my eyes once and let loose a brief
sigh. "Honestly?"
"Yes. I can sense that you're disturbed. What is it?"
I sat up in my chair and closed my math book. I didn't think I'd be going
back to my studies tonight. "It's Hiei. I'm pretty sure I sensed his
youryoku out there in the woods. He's been there all evening, but. He
hasn't moved. I'm considering going out there to check on him. Something
is weird."
"You're sure it's him?"
"No, I'm not. I'm not nearly as powerful as I was when I was a ryouko.
Perhaps this could just be my imagination?"
Kurama: Hmph... I do believe I don't need to turn into a youko to sense some stupid ki, thankyouverymuch.
"Kurama, I have a bad feeling tonight. If you weren't part youkai, I'd tell
you to stay indoors tonight. Something is wrong. I feel it."
Ah, so Kuwabara is also into this 'youkai' mentality, ne? ^^ Show them how nignens can kick some ass, Sensui!
"Alright. And I'll call you back in another fifteen minutes then.
Okay?"
"Sure. Good luck with your studies."
"Thanks. I'll be needing it."
Extra spaces over all these.
I hung up the phone and went to the hall closet to find a coat to wear. I
chose my favorite pink pullover, the one I bought last year at a rummage
sale. My mother wishes that I'd buy more manly things, but. as with
everything else, I went ahead and bought it anyway. It suits me--just like
Hiei has that flare for belts.
I couldn't figure out why Hiei would be out there in the woods, doing
nothing, all this time. I surmised that perhaps he could have been using
his jagen,
Nitpick again... it's jagan... also, helpful tidibit... Hiei can, at times, be referred to as the 'jaganashi' or the wearer of the third eye... it can be used as a referrence to him other than just 'fire demon' or...
Kuwabara: Shorty. Shrimp. A host of others if you just kindly ask me. ^__^
but that made no sense. He'd only be there too. Too look at me?
I've never been that interesting, me and my foolish ningen ways.
Kuwabara and Yusuke: HEY!
Hiei
wouldn't be doing that.
Hiei was standing motionless underneath an old tree I used to climb as a
child. I know he's slept in that tree at least once, though he did not
appear to be in any shape to do that tonight. He looked. very ill at ease,
and quit unusually pale and haggard. As I approached I saw that he held his
body stiff as a fluctuating energy pulsed in a small blue aura around his
chest. His eyes were very wide, and his pupils were small,
Kurama:... so I concluded nothing was wrong with him and went back inside. Hiei no baka.
as if he wasn't
seeing me, but only whatever it was that transpired in his mind.
Hiei: GAH!!! All those lemons, those yaoi fics.... STOP!!!
"Hiei." I called, not expecting a reply. He didn't hear me, I was sure, but
I had to try, just in case. I wasn't sure what exactly was going on, all I
knew was that I needed to help him come back to himself. "Hiei."
I shook his shoulders, and then looked to see if there was any reaction to
my touch in his face. His third eye was open and. I tried to look away.
I could not.
I felt my mind and body liquefy and I passed out.
~*~*~*~*~
"Suuichi!"
Yusuke: Gesundheit, Mrs. Minamino!
Kurama: It's 'Shuuichi,' FYI.
I awoke to the sound of Kurama's ningen mother calling up the stairs. Her
voice was light and sweet, touched with a mild hint of concern. I rolled
over in bed, pulling the sheets around me-then immediately sat upright.
What was I doing in Kurama's bed?!
Hiei: GAH!!! It just won't stop! It just won't stop...
I couldn't see straight. due to a mass of tangled red hair covering my face.
I brushed it all away with my hands, noticing at once that this hair was not
Kurama's. No. Surprisingly, it was attached to my own head, as if it had
grown there wildly in the night.
"Suuichi!"
"Hai!" I loudly called out to her, unexpectedly in her son's somewhat
feminine voice.
Kurama: Care of my dear seiyuu, Megumi Oogata. ^_^ ::end plug::
My body felt wrong. As I sat there, bewildered in Kurama's
bed, I noticed my perspective was higher than usual
Heh.
and. When I inspected
my arms and legs I noticed. I was dressed in a pink top and purple pants.
Fear rose in my gut, and I whipped my head around, looking for the mirror.
What I saw was appalling. Kurama's wide green eyes stared back at me in
shock. his rosy-pink coloring draining from his full cheeks. I tugged at my
red locks, shoving them back behind my shoulders, watching him do the same.
He was I.
"You have a telephone call. It's your friend, Kuwabara-kun."
I didn't want to call back to her. I did not want to hear Kurama's voice.
My mind couldn't process this. but somehow I managed to remove myself from
Kurama's bed and walk out of his room. I'd never been in this part of his
house before, nor had I ever used a telephone, yet.
Hiei: Can I decapitate people with it?
Kurama: No, you talk to people with it, by...
Hiei: Then it's useless.
I had to talk to
Kuwabara, even if he was a ningen no baka.
Shiori held out a cordless telephone, and I reached for it, not having to go
all the way downstairs. I was grateful, not wanting to have this discussion
with her standing by me.
"Kurama--You doin' ok?"
I sighed. "Kisama--I am NOT Kurama! Ch'," I yelled into the phone--still
horrified by the sound of Kurama's voice coming from my mouth.
"Hi-Hiei?" Kuwabara stuttered in disbelief.
"Baka."
TBC!
So... Torture or what? Lol.
Very interesting... very interesting indeed. Can't wait for more. ^_^
If you're interested in seeing my other works, or the CG illustrations that
go along with them (courtesy of my sister Alle. ^__^) You can find them
at: http://www.dbzstyle.org
I will when I get the proper internet time. In short, nice fic, just in need of a little spit and polish. Keep up the good work.
Ja!
Abdiel
~*Jari*~
Jari Son 2001
Yu Yu Hakusho is copyright to Yoshihiro Togashi/Shueisha, Jump comics, Fuji
Television and Studio Pierrot and licensed by FUNImation Productions, Inc.
So, is it being shown in the states by now?
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