Vincent Seifert wrote:
Assignments, exams, exam marking, shudder. Well, it's all
over, so I have a bit more time now. Chapter 13 soon.
I know the feeling, for different reasons. ^_^; Summer vacation starting
there?
Yup - but no rest for the wicked: I'm back to hunting for a full-time job at
theworst possible time (pre-Christmas season...). Well, at least it leaves me
plenty of
time to write in between the rejection letters.
Vincent Seifert has kindly provided webspace, still, for
most of my fanfics and links to the rest at the following
address:
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/kagami/
Thanks for not giving up faith in me, Vince.
I didn't put the first version of Chapter 12 you posted on the webpage
because of the missing scene, and I thought you'd be posting the
completed chapter shortly... this version is there now.
Thanks, Vince. Much appreciated.
I've commented on most of this already, so there's not much more to say,
but what the heck...
Ah, but with my shoddy penmanship there's always more to comment on. :)
All grammar points noted and used.
You can contact me at: kagami@jeack.com.au
An Awakening of Demons
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Kagami
Chapter 12: White Shadows
"Everything's sharper against a background of white, even
shadows."
-- unattributed saying
His desperate attempt at cool poise disintegrated a moment
later as a warmly, purring bundle attached herself to his
warmly purring {or} warmly-purring
right arm. "Oh, Ryoga-sama, I never realized you were so
polished and urbane. The Turin shroud was always high on my
list of art treasures to see. Sadly, Father would always
insist on Hawaii as the destination for every overseas
holiday."
{ "Eh, dey got no pineapples in Italy." *-:) }
Heh, must be why pineapple and ham pizzas are called Hawaiian. :)
... and Ranma was also still alive and annoying. "Hey, I
didn't get lost on that trip, Ranma! It was a family
holiday: Dad made it back from an overseas trip, Mom
returned from her shopping trip to the local store, and I
got back from supporting the girls' team at that Martial
Arts Tennis Tournament back in junior school. We made it
to Italy together."
{ I guess this was at a previous junior high than the all-boys one he
was at with Ranma...}
I always thought Ranma and Ryoga went to the same middle school (Years 9
and10). The whole China episode would have happened in the last six months of
this before Ranma arriving at the Tendos at the right age for high school.
Junior
school would then be Years 7 and 8, allowing for Ryoga to attend a mixed
school.
"Huh, a minor miracle, and Martial Arts Tennis
Tournaments? I never knew -- hey!" Ranma's sentence was cut
off as Akane dragged him away. "But, Akane, he'd know
something new..."
Fortunately, the voice cut off into an inaudible mutter.
Feh, as if he'd ever teach Ranma the secrets of Martial
Arts Tennis Playing, like the Burning Heart Smash, the Net
Post Ricochet, or the No-Return Love Serve. Come to think
of it, that experience might have exacerbated his shyness
to girls.
{I can imagine it would have...}
I actually came up with a number of worse-sounding special attacks a
whileback, but, fortunately for readers, forgot them in exam preparations. :)
shyness with girls {or} shyness around girls
The upwelling dwindled to a trickle. Ranma was like a dash
of ice water to the system. Ryoga shivered at the thought
of sharing a bed with the two of them. He stopped cold. It
has to end now. I've let it go long enough. Akari, my
sweet...
{ heh. Like he has a hope of summoning up that much willpower, or even
won'tpower. :) Ryoga's even more wishy-washy than Kasuga Kyosuke...}
True, but there're a lot of similarities. :)
"Really, sister, how can you carry on so with this peasant
when Ranma Saotome is in this very same house?"
And awaiting my seduction, Kodachi completed the unspoken
thought on behalf of her brother. Or perhaps not, given
Tachi's strange ideas in that arena - awaiting an exchange
of diaries might be more in keeping with his style. "Why
should I not have a choice?
{Well, that's not quite what he's driving at... suggest instead}
Why should I choose between them?
My love is great enough for two."
{...and here's the added scene: }
Gray clouds cloaked the stars
{ They're under the Tokyo Tower, right? Even though the lights are off,
the framework may make it hard to see the gray clouds... }
Actually Ryoga and Raiha are in front of the ground floor building of
TokyoTower, not underneath the framework. Clouds can still be seen from this
viewpoint (of course, this is from just watching Card Captor Sakura, rather
than having been to Tokyo, so...).
as Ryoga faced off against
the greatest challenge of his life - apart from Ranma, that
is. The Thunderbeast had knocked him unconscious in one
blow at their last meeting. That was bad enough, and that
it had happened in front of Akane was...
{ "Mortifying" is the word Ryoga's looking for, I think. :) }
Yup, but he'd rather crack his knuckles than think it. :)
Ryoga cracked his knuckles.
Raiha prowled around him in a tightening circle. Lupine
blue jaws gaped, letting droplets of crackling electricity
fall to splatter on melting snow.
That was a concern. Ryoga warily eyed the steaming mush
where the Thunderbeast had trod. Falling into that stuff
might just be enough to trigger his curse and bring a quick
end to the battle.
Another worry to add to his load of permanent angst and
depression. The end to his spiral of despair came swiftly;
the cerulean wolf's jaws widened even further, and white
fury erupted forth.
{ It just occurred to me what would happen to the Tokyo Tower if Ryoga
released a Perfected Shi Shi Hokodan under it. What comes down, must
go up first...}
Well, Tokyo Tower is safe from a Full SSH, but...
He flung out his hands and cupped them together in a
familiar position. "Shishi Hokodan!"
The Lion's Roar met the incoming bolt in a furious storm of
mutual annihilation. When the roiling cloud of energy spent
itself, only a blackened circle, ten feet wide and free from
encasing snow, remained.
{Hmm... air charged with heavy ki meets electricity? I'd think you'd get a
nice plasma-globe effect for a while...}
Instant plasma, just add ki. The new fusion alternative? :)
Ryoga locked gazes with the Thunderbeast, fighting down a
wave of satisfaction. Was that a hint of wariness in those
azure eyes? He could it. He could win and redeem his earlier
failure. He could...
With a howl that heralded doom, Raiha leapt at him. Ryoga
flinched aside, and gigantic jaws snapped shut inches above
his head. He slammed his fist into the chest of the beast in
an automatic counter, and screamed as electricity coursed
around his hand and up his arm, jolting and wracking every
nerve in his body.
He wrenched his stiff arm away from the contact point and
flung himself to his left. The soft snow felt marvelously
cooling after his brief bout of electrocution, but there was
no time to wallow in relief.
{Especially if the snow is melting. :) }
Yup.
Ryoga rolled aside as a massive
paw smashed the ground where he had just lain.
"Bakusai Tenketsu!" Ryoga stabbed his finger into the
ground, flinging up a concealing cloud of broken rocks and
snow spray. He stumbled away from the enveloped wolf,
muscles trembling uncontrollably and aching as if he had
embraced a power main.
He could still win. It would just be far harder than he
had thought.
{ If he keeps that confident attitude, he's going to have trouble with
the next SSH. :) }
He does have that top secret weapon - you know, what Akane said; no, no,the
other thing she said.
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Thanks for commenting, Vince.
Phil - back to watching the Yamamoto Yohko TV series.
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
Prime: seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.
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