"Mark Gunther" <iceboy3@hotmail.com> writes:

The features in his face that gleamed in
the soft setting sunlight gave off a glow of agony and tortured pain,
a veritable Rosetta stone of hard times.

First instance of "Rosetta stone." Also, a mixed metaphor. I suggest
losing the glow.

     The boy opened his eyes after a great struggle and looked around
groggily, his movements slow and measured as he tried to make sense of
his surroundings. A shockwave of pain raced through his body and he
tried to sit up but the agony was too pungent for him to bear. That's
when he heard the voice...

You might want to go through the story and count how many times you
use the word "agony." I suggest that you only emphasize his pain once
or twice in the story, then hint at it the rest of the time with
winces, or twinges in his face. Saying that you're in agony all of the
time makes it lose impact.

     "Huh..." he said dreamily as he tried to focus in to the source
of the sound. 

Suggest: "focus on the source of the sound."

"Who...is this..." His voice sounded low and pained,
like he was trying to speak in a stranglehold of emotions and physical
torment.

Seems like a somewhat unnatural question. A "who are you" or "who is
there" would be good substitutes.

     "This is Nabiki Tendo, and I was just remarking on the fact that
you've finally woken up out of your sleep." The voice came closer and
the boy could hear the scraping of a set of chair legs moving towards
his bedside. He turned his head with great difficulty and saw the
trade marked brown eyes of the woman who formerly had used him for

"trademark"

nothing more then a hired servant. "I wanted to see how you were
doing, Gosunkugi..."

Seeing that Gos is in this much pain here makes me seriously doubt his
ability to express himself as he does later in the story. I'd suggest
toning one or the other down.

     "You mean, you don't remember?" Nabiki blinked as she breathed
the words she feared the most.

Why would she fear this? Why would she care about him knowing what
happened or not? She'd tell him and exact the fee, big deal.

     "Well," Gosunkugi horsed, "I remember telling Kuno what I thought

Horsed?

     "It's like this, Gosunkugi..." As Nabiki spoke to him about what
had caused him to now occupy a bed in the hell he was bound to, a cold
realization flowed over him. A lake of emotional water was poured down
his back by the evil gods and demons of fate as he listened. He
realized that his emotions had caused the state he was now in.

I think this is being just a tad overdramatic. I'd lose two of these
three: cold flowing realization, lake of emotional water (??), and evil gods and demons of fate.

     Gosunkugi looked into the mirror above the sink and smiles. Today
was going to be the day. He was finally going to summon up enough

Summon up is redundant, but okay in a colloquial context. 

Gosunkugi didn't care. He had acquired love to
survive on, and he had an entire morning to try to win her heart.

This sentence is unclear. It sounds like he has won love, but is
trying to win a heart. The subject is unclear.

     "Akane!" he called out, walking towards them but stopping a few
steps later, "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

     "Huh?" Akane stopped and looked toward the oddly misshapen boy
that stood in front of her in the near distance. "Me?"

In the near distance? I'd suggest putting him at the school gate, or
some place concrete.

     "Yes. It'll just be for a moment." Gosunkugi smiled as he saw
Akane walk forward, Ranma a few steps behind her. He smiles as warmly
as he could at the girl as she stopped just in front of him and yet
still a few feet away. "I..."

Ranma would probably go to class at this moment, as he does not
consider Gos to be a serious threat.

     "What, Gosunkugi? I'm almost late," Akane, said hurriedly, her
foot tapping slightly on the pavement.

I doubt that Akane would react this way. She'd be slightly confused,
and if she and Ranma had gotten together recently, probably a bit
distracted.

     "Um, I think you're sweet and all, but I already have a date for
tomorrow night..." 

"I'm
sorry, but I just don't like you like that. I've never even really
talked to you much..."

This is very uncharacteristic of Akane, and of Japanese people in
general. When you turn someone down for an invitation, you'd be very
vague, and thank them for their interest. To most westerners, it'd
look like the person was super nice about it, and perhaps think
there's a possibility for a date in the future, but Japanese natives
would know when they're rejected.

Besides, I think it might hurt Gos more (and that seems to be what you
want to do with this story, tragic hero Gos) if she were really nice
about it, as she was in the paper doll story.

     "And you're going with him?" Even before he knew it the words
were out of his mouth, dripping with scorn and envy and hatred. And in
an even quicker moment he felt Ranma slamming him against the brick
wall of the school wall, his forearm and elbow pressing the much
thinner boy into the depressions and ruts in the brick. A look into
Ranma's eyes told Gosunkugi that this was beginning to slightly get
out of hand.

I don't think Ranma would do this either, but it seems like you've
already had feedback to this end.
 

     Gosunkugi stumbled forward, his eyes burning with tears as he
leaned down to get his books. Then in a moment of eternal happenstance
and chance,

A moment of what? This is clunky and odd.

he looked up and saw Akane and Ranma walking in together,
their smiles shining bright and full in the morning sun. He could see
them so clearly as time slowed down to a near crawl; the sparkling
warmth in akane's eyes, the surefooted, rock solid expression of

Caps. And how can an expression in someone's eyes be surefooted?

confidence and affection on Ranma's. It all crystallized for Gosunkugi
in those few short moments as they passed. He saw everything bout
their relationship in a few short glances; the Rosetta stone to the

Second instance of Rosetta stone, lose one or the other.

     All the hatred, all the anger, and all the rage he normally had
for Ranma all melted away in the warmth of the morning sun. All the
emotional lust he had for Akane evaporated before his eyes. All that

"Emotional lust" is redundant.

was left was a silence, clarity of vision that only happens
immediately after a war ends. The terrible silence of peace and
serenity after a great emotional windfall was all Gosunkugi could feel
for that moment in time. He didn't like Akane Tendo anymore, not like
he used to. He wasn't angry with Ranma like he used to be. For how
could someone be angry at something so beautiful as two people in love?

As beautiful as two evil people in love? The way you portrayed
them...I couldn't be very happy for them.

     It was all Gosunkugi could do to just stare at Ranma and Akane as
they walked closer and closer to the front door of the school, his
shock gluing him to the spot he stood at, his eyes welling with tears
and a sad smile on his face. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eyes,

"corner of his eye,"

he saw a car pull up at the front of the school and the door open. Out
walked Tatewaki Kuno, his eyes burning with anger and rage, his bokken

Anger and rage is redundant.

     "Saotome! Remove thy filthy hands from the fair Akane Tendo! She
is mine, and I shall make her mine today!" he bellowed as he stalked
closer and closer, faster and faster. But just as everyone turned to
watch the daily Kuno thrashing, a new sound erupted from the edge of
the schoolyard. A tortured, howling, almost impassioned scream from
the mouth of someone whom nobody thought could make that kind of a
sound.

"Almost impassioned" doesn't make any sense in this context. He was
howling, it's not almost impassioned.

     "Be gone, wastrel. Akane Tendo is nothing for the likes of you,
Gosukugi Hikaru. Silence before I thrash thee into submission," Kuno
bellowed as he turned back to Ranma and Akane.

Good Kuno-speak going on here. I don't have the knack for it. :)

could even assume the role of a humane being. And Gosunkugi realized

A human being?

that this was just not the way he could be anymore. "I always knew you
were a blind fool, but if you can't see this, you're nothing more then

"than"

     "Ranma beat him within an inch of his life. Ranma beat him like
he beat you. He's under restraints downstairs in the psych ward,
courtesy of me."

See, I just don't find this believable after how you portrayed Ranma.

Nabiki smiled a grim grin as she noted how much it
took for her to get him into the padded bed. "You've been in and out
of consciousness for 2 days now. I'm glad to see that Kuno didn't kill
you."

Just two days after being in a coma and getting 40 broken bones?

     "Because you now know you can make more money off me?" Gosunkugi
spat acidly, his voice dropping lower and slower on the audible
Richter scale.

He can muster this much energy right out of a coma? As rare as true
comas are, generally a person falls back to sleep after coming out of
one. Especially if they have as many injuries as Gos does.

     "Why would they? Akane hates you, Gosunkugi. And Ranma doesn't
even think you're worth the effort. You're nothing to them."

In Ranmaverse, it's actually impossible for Akane to hate Gos, post
paper doll story. :)

     "Nabiki, I want you to do 3 things for me," Gosunkugi horsed, his

Horsed?

     "Nabiki shut up for a moment and look at me." At the hearing of
Gosunkugi's flat yet rage filled words, she stopped and waited. "Look

This is awkward.

     The emotional cost was paid in full.

"I've got the straight edge!!!!!!!"

Not anymore he doesn't. :)

Anyway, overall it's an interesting story. I think you try to pack too
many metaphors into your sentences though. Your writing would be a lot
stronger if you got rid of most of them and described how things
actually were most of the time. The sun doesn't have to be a wretched,
grinning ball of spite, it can be a late afternoon sun, just dipping behind
the first line of trees at the end of the field.

Regardless, keep on writing, and thanks.

Colleen
formerly: gally at cs.utexas.edu
	     .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'