I'm still trying to get back into the swing of writing and C&Cing, so
I'll just add a few comments to Colleen's, which I by and large agree
with.

I'll also mention that gag disclaimers, like the one this fic had,
really bug me. Perhaps it's just me, in which case you might not care,
but IMO if you're going to use someone else's character and backstory
I'd think the least you could do would be to credit that person by name
and not use it as an excuse for a cheap laugh.

*ahem* End of rant. ^_^  Anyway....

Colleen Morgan <minty@clockworkgirl.com> wrote:

"Mark Gunther" <iceboy3@hotmail.com> writes:

     "This is Nabiki Tendo, and I was just remarking on the fact that
you've finally woken up out of your sleep." The voice came closer and
the boy could hear the scraping of a set of chair legs moving towards
his bedside. He turned his head with great difficulty and saw the
trade marked brown eyes of the woman who formerly had used him for

"trademark"

nothing more then a hired servant. "I wanted to see how you were
doing, Gosunkugi..."

Did Nabby ever actually hire Gosunkugi? Can't remember her ever doing
so. He has worked for both Kuno siblings (finding out Ranma's secret
weakness, and taking a picture of Ranma and Kodachi in a compromising
position in the cookies story), though it's not clear whether he
actually got paid by either of them. ^_^

     "Well," Gosunkugi horsed, "I remember telling Kuno what I thought

Horsed?

I think this is supposed to be "hoarsed." Hoarse isn't really a verb,
but I suppose you can get away with using it as one.

"I'm
sorry, but I just don't like you like that. I've never even really
talked to you much..."

This is very uncharacteristic of Akane, and of Japanese people in
general. When you turn someone down for an invitation, you'd be very
vague, and thank them for their interest. To most westerners, it'd
look like the person was super nice about it, and perhaps think
there's a possibility for a date in the future, but Japanese natives
would know when they're rejected.

Tell that to Kuno. ^_^

Akane has been known to issue some fairly blunt rejections.  These,
though, were to guys who tried to force the issue (or, like Ranma, had
other people forcing the issue on their behalf), so you're probably
right that she'd try being nice about it... first. The bigger problem I
have with this is that she's way too perceptive in understanding what
Gos is really after here. This is the Akane who never figured out
through the course of the entire manga that Ryoga was sweet on her.

It also seems to me that Gos had way too easy a time summoning up the
guts to ask her out. Remember, this is the guy who goes moony-eyed
anytime Akane even acknowledges his existence. Think how difficult it
would've been for (pre-Akari) Ryoga to ask Akane to a movie, and then
realize that for Gos it would be even harder than that. He may well wake
up determined to speak his piece, but actually being there and doing it
is a far different matter. He may be able to sputter the words out, but
I don't think it would be nearly as easy as portrayed here.

     "And you're going with him?" Even before he knew it the words
were out of his mouth, dripping with scorn and envy and hatred. And in
an even quicker moment he felt Ranma slamming him against the brick
wall of the school wall, his forearm and elbow pressing the much
thinner boy into the depressions and ruts in the brick. A look into
Ranma's eyes told Gosunkugi that this was beginning to slightly get
out of hand.

I don't think Ranma would do this either, but it seems like you've
already had feedback to this end.

Agreed. While Ranma does get jealous, he expresses it in a very
different manner from this, and he has no reason to believe that Akane
has any real interest in Gosunkugi.

     "Because you now know you can make more money off me?" Gosunkugi
spat acidly, his voice dropping lower and slower on the audible
Richter scale.

He can muster this much energy right out of a coma? As rare as true
comas are, generally a person falls back to sleep after coming out of
one. Especially if they have as many injuries as Gos does.

Perhaps he was merely unconscious rather than in a coma. Still, this
kind of behavior would be hard to believe from even a healthy Gosunkugi.
Him realizing in a moment of epiphany that Akane is never going to be
interested in him, okay, I can buy that. But that doesn't explain why he
can suddenly stand up to Nabiki, or to Kuno for that matter, and even
start insulting them, without any apparent hesitation or uncertainty.

     "Why would they? Akane hates you, Gosunkugi. And Ranma doesn't
even think you're worth the effort. You're nothing to them."

In Ranmaverse, it's actually impossible for Akane to hate Gos, post
paper doll story. :)

Well, that may have worn off. Not all magic is permanent in the
Ranmaverse -- Shampoo's hypnotic mushrooms, for example. But (assuming
that Nabsy isn't just fibbing here, which is certainly possible) I don't
see any reason why Akane would hate Gos. Not only is she not the type to
hold a grudge, but (unless she's discovered his photo collection) he
really hasn't done anything to engender any hate. Since when is a
single, polite request for a date grounds for hate?

Anyway, overall it's an interesting story. I think you try to pack too
many metaphors into your sentences though. Your writing would be a lot
stronger if you got rid of most of them and described how things
actually were most of the time. The sun doesn't have to be a wretched,
grinning ball of spite, it can be a late afternoon sun, just dipping behind
the first line of trees at the end of the field.

The problem I saw with the writing wasn't so much that there were too
many metaphors, though I suppose that may have been part of it, but that
many of them didn't suggest any sort of clear imagery. Saying that
Gosunkugi's face was a "Rosetta stone of hard times," well, clearly
sounds like a bad thing, but beyond that doesn't really give me any idea
of what it actually looked like.

You (the author, that is) use a rich vocabulary in your writing, and are
obviously choosing your words to be consistent with the mood that you're
going for, which certainly puts this a cut above a lot of what you see
in fanfiction. But that, unfortunately, is only half the battle. Try to
slow down a little and use some of this language to build some specific
imagery that your readers can use to get a better handle on the scenes
you're trying to show and/or on what's really going through the minds of
your characters.

Regardless, keep on writing, and thanks.

Now that I agree with completely. :)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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