arun prabhu wrote:

This is a fic based on an idea I read from Silver
breeze's web page. I liked it and hence here I am
writing the story.
A couple of things to get you guys started on the
story. Just before Genma makes the Seppukku pledge
with Nodoka, she gets laid with a deadly illness. In
her last words, she says to Ranma that she wanted to
see him grow up into a man among men. Of course Ranma
does not know what his mother's description of
manliness is and he becomes obsessive about the art.
He will endure hell to become the man, his mother
supposedly wanted him to be ie, honorable, heroic and
all that stuff.

Enjoy. C&C are most welcome.

    Right. I happen to be a big Tenchi/Ranma x-over fan, and would have replied sooner, but had to drive to Pennsyvania for a few weeks. Now, however, I'm back and it's time to start breaking down on my backlog, starting with Lucky Winner #1... Arun Prabhu!

SMARTALECK PRODUTIONS

Master of Five

Prolouge <completed on 1/11/2001> <Revision#1)

    Right parenthesis, maybe should be a bracket? ;)

Disclaimers:

Rumiko Takahashi and Shogukkan own Ranma and the cast
members of Ranma 1/2. Rumiko Takahashi is one of the
most brilliant people to walk on the face of this
earth. We the fans of the anime world are forever
indebted to her for giving us Ranma and co. Thank you
Rumiko Takahashi for bringing laughter back into our
lives.

And Tenchi Muyo is a great series too. All the
characters from Tenchi belong to whichever genius
created it.

    His name is Hiroki Hayashi, and the anime is owned by Pioneer.

    Searching google for the name of the anime, and the keyword 'creator' will net you the name you're looking for, nine times out of ten.

"Boy, do you want to grow into a powerful martial
artist, the best in the world?" asked Genma. The
technique that he had in mind was dangerous to say the
least but he was sure that Ranma was up to the
challenge. All that the boy needed was a little
persuasion in the right direction of course.

    dangerous to say -- dangerous, to say
    direction of course -- direction, of course

    Keep in mind that everything I say in this C&C is merely a suggestion, and you may ignore me freely.

Little Ranma nodded his head vigorously not realizing
the horror called Nekoken that he was going to be put
through.

    Commage (needs commas).

Genma smiled. Of course, the boy accepted. He had
never been one to back down from a challenge. Genma
liked the competetive streak in his son. It would
guarantee him a place amongst the legends someday.

    course, the -- course the

"Well Ranma, I have got just the technique for you
then. It would make you invincible."

    Well Ranma -- Well, Ranma

Ranma nodded and his face lit up with joy. The boy was
ready to jump up into the air and hooray it appeared.

    'hooray'? I don't think that's a verb. :p

    Commage.

Ranma stopped listening after the faster part. Why
couldn't his father understand that he wasn't dumb? He
certainly needn't be told more than once about the
virtues of a martial arts technique.

    Ah, the folly of youth...

It took a while for Genma to finish his speech. Ranma
stood by him patiently and waited until he was
finished acting as though that he was paying close
attention to what Genma was saying. He had learnt when
he was younger that he would be beaten if he were
caught not paying attention to his father.

    Commage.

"So pops, why did we have to take all those kitties
from those people?" asked the boy innocently.

    So pops -- So, Pops (commage and capitalization)

Genma grimaced. Stealing was not a virtue that he
liked though he practiced it a lot. Thankfully, the
grimace went unnoticed by Ranma.

    Commage -- and I think you mean some other word than 'virtue'.

"Boy, those cats are going to help you train in the
Nekoken."

Ranma nodded though he could not understand how cute
little kitties could teach him the Nekoken.

    nodded though -- nodded, though

"Now boy, let's get you into these fish sausages and
you will be all set to learn the Nekoken."

    Now boy -- Now, Boy

Ranma's world exploded into pain. Those cute kitties
that he had taken away from those people were tearing
him apart literally but still he refused to cry or
scream. A man cannot scream, you see.

    Commage.

    Interesting change of tone.

He concentrated behind the thick veil of pain that
clouded his mind and found his center. Those yoga
lessons were helpful to say the least.

    Repetition of 'pain'.

The training if it could be called that had been going
on for the past week or was it a month. He could no
longer remember. Heck, he could not even discern
whether it was a day or a night. It all seemed the
same to him as nothing but the pain registered.

    Repetition of 'pain'.

There were numerous cuts all over his body and all of
them more then skin deep. He knew from his rudimentary
knowledge of medicine that he had learnt from his
father and one of the sensei's that he had studied
under that the injuries were not life threatening
though he did not know how long his luck in that
department would last.

    First sentence is a little akward. I'd reccoment commage, and either adding a 'were' OR dropping the 'and'.

    sensei's -- senseis (though I think the plural is still 'sensei')

He concentrated past the pain and that tingling began
to increase in his lower abdomen at the precise point
where his hara, the so called Kundalini Chakra was
located. However, unlike the last three times that he
had felt the tingling this time six other parts on his
body seemed to tingle in harmony with his hara.

    Repetition of 'pain'.

And then he saw the light, the light at the end of a
very long, horror filled tunnel called the Nekoken.

    Hmm. I don't see how the tenchi aspects fold in, and it's difficult to see where it's going... interesting!

Arun.

    I'd like to see more.