Oops! Almost forgot to reply to this one:

Finally getting around to this.

It's never too late for C+C. :)

characters from the S 1/2 universe, namely several key members of the

crew

of that lovely oceangoing vessel, 'The Worthless Piece Of Shit,' and

maybe

a

reference or two to another author's original characters.

Does this take place after 'Shampoo 1/2' or near the end?

During the years inbetween of chapter 41 and Epilogue 5

http://dbsommer.rcbooks.org

Harsh language and sexual references inside, so be warned.

Yup, that should be enough to get me to read this ^_^

Just as I hoped. :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kin Lo Wang despised her job in Chun Phat's Waterfront Bar more than she
thought possible. Working in the worst dive in the seediest section of
Shanghai as a waitress/prostitute was a dead end. One of these days it

was

going to get her either maimed, killed, or contracting some wonderful

Not much of an optimist, is she?

Realist, actually.

venereal disease that would end her days in misery and woe. Not that

farming

rocks her entire life and raising a family of anklebiters in the barren

So that's where those pet rocks come from...

Heh.

ahead in that respect. The tips from waitressing weren't that bad, as

long

as one didn't mind the groping and the fact that a lot of the tips came

in

the form of gold teeth ripped out of someone's mouth.

Kin: And it's still better than farming rocks.

True.

Still, Kin had an idle fantasy, a silly thing really. It was of some

dashing

pirate captain entering the bar, his eyes roving over the women within.

The

Heh, the description sounds like D'Amour ^_^

Well, true, to a degree.

"Hey, sweet tits. Come on over and sit on the captain's magic lap for a

long

and thick surprise."

Perfect timing ^_^

Ain't it, though?

"THERE ISN'T ENOUGH MONEY IN THE WORLD, YOU LYING BASTARD!" The only

thing

Kin loathed more than her job was when her fantasies ended up

compromised

by

reality.

Guess D'Amour isn't what she's looking for.  Can't understand why...

D'Amour is only what women with an inherently masochistic streak is looking
for.

mistake

of believing her fantasy had come true. D'Amour was as handsome as they
came, with bright piercing blue eyes that a woman could drown in and

long,

Kin should have asked the others about D'Amour.  Then again, they were
probably too busy laughing at her ^_^

True. That's pretty much it.

Even his style of dress was impeccable; he wore a manteau. There were
probably less than a dozen men alive that could get away with that and

not

look like a prissy fop, but D'Amour could. He was the key to her

freedom,

For some people, even good looks can't make up for their personality.

Oui.

Working as a prostitute in the most depraved dive in all of Shanghai was
preferable to spending more than five minutes in the company of Captain
D'Amour. He was the most sleazy, irritating, arrogant, deluded popinjay

she

had ever met. Oh, he had offered to take her away from the bar and to

his

ship, but only on the condition she have sex with him at his beck and

call.

Kin: At first I didn't think that was bad.

No money for her either,

Kin: But since we would be married, that's not a problem.

and she would have to crew on his ship, the oh, so
aptly named 'The Worthless Piece of Shit', during those times when he

didn't

feel like sleeping with her.

Kin: Well... I guess I _have_ to do some work...

Heh. No. She's too much of a realist to think that at this point. :)

He could also have sex with any other woman he
chose, while all men were off limits to her. And the clincher was when

he

Kin: Wait a minute...

demanded she sign an agreement not to mention the words 'marriage' or
'commitment' in his presence, even if it didn't relate directly to him.

D'Amour's greatest nightmare is probably waking up and finding himself
married to Lao.

Both of their greatest nightmares. She cares about him just as much as he
does her, only she's more violent about it. :)

After offering her the copy of the contract he kept tucked in his boot,

Kin

He comes prepared ^_^

Yes. Say what you will, he knows what he wants in life.

promptly kicked him in the balls and threw him out the window. The final
blow were his shouts claiming she was a "Stuck up bitch!" right up until

the

moment he struck the ground headfirst, damaging the concrete quite

badly.

Poor ground.  Though it could have been worse if it was Aki who went
head-first ^_^

True. That would have caused some real damage.

complete asshole Captain D'Amour was, at least the members of his crew

were

better people. Well, relatively better when compared to their captain.

And

more importantly, they were damn good tippers.

Compared to their captain, who didn't pay at all.

Not if he could get out of it, and he's an expert at getting out of it.

his mouth, enough had made it through to have the desired effect. Small
surprise given the twenty or so bottles of alcohol that surrounded the
table, half of which surrounded D'Amour, who appeared to be the least
inebriated of the quartet.

Big surprise there...

The man has a superhuman liver. It'll probably outlive him.

there was one thing she was relieved about, it was that her job, as

shitty

as it was, was at least normal.

A woman on fire ran screaming past the table.

Kin: See?  Perfectly normal.

Proving that 'normal' is a relative term.

D'Amour stared at him as though he was stupid for asking the question.

"Of

course it'll be safe to drink. It's got alcohol in it."

Words to live by.

I know I do.

"She's already run off the slack," Kawada pointed out.

Have an idea who this is...

Yeah. Only one key member of the crew missing at this point.

driven by that strange aspect of human nature that makes people do

things

they know they shouldn't do, like slow down to carefully examine car

wrecks

as they drive past, she merely stood where she was and watched in rapt
attention.

Seems like a perfect fit for the TWPOS.

She is, even if she doesn't know it yet.

forehead. The line was attached to the heavy belt around her waist. She
wriggled panickedly in the direction she had come from, still trying to
fight off the pull despite losing her vertical base.

Well, that's one way to make sure a Hibiki doesn't get lost.

Yep. Rather ingenious, I thought.

Aki stared suspiciously at the glass. "What's this?"

"Hard liquor. It's even better for you than water since fish can't live

in

it." D'Amour took a swig from his bottle to prove the point.

Never heard that excuse before...

D'Amour makes them up as he goes along sometimes.

"One with any modicum of standards, and I know damn well you'd never pay

for

She'd choose Jaddo in a heartbeat if it was between him and D'Amour.

Most women would. :)

Speaking of which, wondering how it would turn out if those two ever
met (D'Amour and Jaddo, that is).

Nothing much. Neither would have any interest in hanging around the other.

sex, no matter how horny you are," Kin replied flatly. Much to her

surprise,

D'Amour had already shifted his attention to elsewhere in the room. When

she

saw where it was focused, she moaned, "You have got to be kidding me."

Ah, so she realizes who it was.

Everyone but D'Amour does at this point.

"A good and responsible crew would warn him of this potentially life
threatening situation he is about to place himself in," Kawada pointed

out.

And considering it's D'Amour's life it's threatening, they're gonna do
what any sane member of the TWPOS would do.

Yep. Sit and watch, if not help the 'enemy' outright.

All of them nodded in agreement. Somewhat more sobered by the turn of
events, they relaxed in their chairs, took one simultaneous gulp, and

waited

for the fun to start.

Thought so ^_^

Heh.

how interested he was in the woman, have her agree to sleep with him,

and

if

he was lucky, persuade her to pick up his bar tab too. It would be a

dream

date for both of them. All he needed was a couple more steps...

*Ginrai notices that there was nothing about commitment or marriage in
there*

Since he's interested in neither at the moment, or ever, really.

her long, flowing blue-green locks. He heard the gasps of the woman's

two

compatriots, no doubt in awe over his own incredible good looks. Who

knew,

if they were lucky, he might talk his newfound catch into a foursome.

More than likely they'd be too much into each other to take note of
D'Amour in bed (that's if he's still alive at that point).

Heh. Probably true.

It was time to make his move. He brought his head down low enough to

give

a

throaty whisper in the woman's ear, "Hey there, beautiful," as he

grabbed

her bottom. It felt just as divine as he had dreamed.

It won't in a few seconds...

Heh.

assailant's face. The hand stopped dead in mid-air. "You?" the woman

said

in

a quiet voice.

Would Lao say that as a question or statement?

Question. Even she can't believe it.

and back to his table in the span of a heartbeat, not turning around the
entire time, unwilling to look away from the person upon which he had
committed his unspeakable act.

Probably starting to retract all his recent thoughts.

Every single one of them.

cursed

ship the 'Piece of Junk,' was not amused in the least to discover that

the

nearest thing to an arch-nemesis (pitiful as that was when one realized

it

was a moron like D'Amour), had just fondled her bottom as though she

were

It is surprising that he ends up being her arch-nemesis, though he is
as good as her when he tries.

He's the only one that can hang with her at this point, and since they are
both ship's captains, they have a tendency to cross paths throughout their
lives.

grabbed
her bottom. Oh no, she would have to get creative with the lecherous
buffoon. A torture that would have him cursing her for years with the
slightest memory of it. Something to give pain for a lifetime.

Lao: And castrating him is too easy...

Yep.

Lao's compatriots, Blossom and Lotus, backed away as their captain

leveled

an accusatory finger at D'Amour. "You stupid fool! For having the

audacity

to touch me in such a familiar manner, you've sealed your fate! I will

see

to it that you know nothing but unending torture and unrelenting pain

for

the rest of your miserable existence! I will have you begging for death

as

I-"

"AHHHH!" D'Amour screamed again as he held the hand that had groped

Lao's

There was no way she was going to be able to finish her speech ^_^

Of course not. It was far too melodramatic for this piece.

bottom as though it had been burned. "Slut butt! Slut butt! I touched

slut

'touched' or 'touched a' (?)

touched is the word I was going for.

butt! Quick, get me disinfectant! No! Wait! Steel wool! The skin has to

come

off! There's no telling what horrible diseases I'll get from a butt as
skanky as that!"

Hehehehe

Sad thing is, he could be right. :)

Lao's eyebrow began twitching. "Excuse me, but I was the one defiled

here."

"Ha! As though there's anything alive that is capable of defiling 'The

Slut

of the Seven Seas'," D'Amour said.

Heh

I loved giving her that name. It's just so fitting. :)

"And then worst of all, you engage in this pathetic scheme to try and

grab

my attention. Confess, Laosy, you padded those pants to hold up that

saggy

ass of yours just to trick me into fondling it, didn't you?"

"MY PANTS ARE NOT PADDED, AND MY BUTT IS NOT SAGGY, YOU MORONIC

SIMPLETON!"

Hehehehehe

Great scene ^_^

Thanks.

"Wow! The veins that are popping out of her forehead look just like my

map

of naval lanes. They even criss-cross over one another," Aki commented

from

her seat as she continued drinking and watching the show, silently

rooting

for Lao.

Everyone probably is.

True.

"-if he defeats her in combat-"

"-he'll be her husband and could become our next captain," Lotus

finished

with a shudder. "My loyalty to Lao only goes so far."

It would probably be more torturous for D'Amour than anyone else.

Oh, it would be equally appaling to both of them.

killed by the numerous people that despised him for quite a number of

years.

Blossom held to the opinion that it was better to be lucky than good.
Sometimes she wondered if D'Amour wasn't the luckiest one of all.

More than likely he is.

Or he's incredibly skilled and hides it well.

"I thought you said there's nothing you hate more than not having either
women or alcohol within arm's length," Brunt mentioned.

For some reason I believe Brunt's telling the truth...

Oh, he is.

mixing

with the whir of a blade slicing through the air. Each person continued

on

as though nothing had happened, stopping only when they reached the

place

the other had started. They both turned and smirked at the other.

Reminds me of how most battles end in Utena.  Well, other than for the
smirk.

True. Hadn't made that connection myself, but it is fitting.

D'Amour chuckled. "They're just hacked off because I'm a little behind

in

paying them their wages."

A little behind?

Okay, a lot behind.

yourselves to admit that you like me."

"No, we really hate you," Kawada insisted.

Hehehehe

One thing you can't accuse them of, hiding their true feelings about him.

Again, D'Amour shook his head. "A little jealous, perhaps, but who could
blame you? I am insufferably charming, handsome, and dashing. Observe."

He

I'm amazed at how he doesn't realize the level of which his crew hates
him.

Denial is a specialty of his, except in matters of his life being possibly
terminated. He's got a good sense for that.

up to his and gave her a deep, passionate kiss. After several seconds,

he

broke it off and gave a gleaming smile to her. "How was that?"

Lotus slapped him hard enough to spin around so that he was facing Lao
again.

D'Amour: It's obviously love at first sight.

Lao: How can you say that?!

D'Amour: She didn't kick me in the balls.

Hehehe. That would be something he would say.

"Wait a minute," Brunt said. "It's been more than five seconds. How come

the

captain's still moving?"

Because she tried the wrong pressure point technique.  Should have gone
for the one that would make him only react to men ^_^

Nah. He's better than she realizes.

"Impossible!" Lao shouted. "Nothing human could resist my technique, not
even you."

"I have a blood alcohol level of .35. I can do anything. BWHAHAHAHA!"

You can't compete against that ^_^

Oui.

Casually, D'Amour snapped his fingers. In response, every stitch of

Lao's

clothing fell to the floor in a dozen pieces.

Damn, he's good!

Hehe. I see someone remembers his famous quote. :)

"I don't see either padding or sag there," Brunt commented thoughtfully

as

he got a perfect view of Lao's posterior. His three companions were

forced

to agree.

Heh

Just thought I'd throw that in. She's a bad girl, but a good-looking one.

D'Amour held his weapon before him. "Laosy, my sword's so sharp, it can

even

cut water." He swung it once in dramatic fashion before advancing slowly
upon her again.

That sword's shown to do many things.

Yep. It's magical.

Lao backed cautiously away. This was not going the way it was supposed

to.

Not at all. He was just a lecherous buffoon. Women he offended struck

him

all the time. She was one of the world's most dangerous martial artists.

He

should have been an easy mark. There should have been a hundred ways she

That's what they say about Happosai...

True. In that he and D'Amour have much in common.

"I don't! Tell me!"

D'Amour: I'm somehow... responding... to _you_!  Must... run to
bathroom and get rid of shame!

(D'Amour runs to the bathroom, leaving behind a seething Lao)

Hehehe. That would be a good one too, not that he would ever admit it.

Lao held up her hand, signaling an end to that line of thought. "No. We

head

back for the ship. I've had a rough night."

Wonder why she didn't go for it.

Things didn't go the way she planned once. Best to cut her losses before it
happens again.

D'Amour snapped his fingers. "Damn! Just as I was about to spank her

pirate

whore bottom. Nah, on second thought, the twisted little dyke would

probably

enjoy it. That was probably her plan all along, but she'll never get an
ounce of pleasure from me."

Though the fact that he suggested that...

Either Frog's right or he's that lecherous that it really isn't unthinkable.

admit it, so you insult her instead? You did think she had the perfect

butt

right up until you realized it was her."

Works in the Ranma universe ^_^

Yep.

D'Amour chuckled, then leaned in closer in response. "Want me to show

you

this trick I learned? It's called, 'A frog's arms and legs fall off due

to

sharp edge trauma'."

Frog: Denial is the first sign of love.  You even said that...

(A minute later)

Frog: Let me down, captain!  I was just joking!

Hehe.

Luckily for Frog, the ship's helmsman, Shelby, entered the bar. He

appeared

excited, and D'Amour quickly waved him over. "What is it, man? Tell us."

So he's still around (I think the last we saw of him, he was thrown
overboard by D'Amour).

Yeah. But it was in an inland lake. Easy to retrieve him.

It took Shelby a moment to catch his breath. "Well, sir, it appears one

of

the crew escaped. She apparently saved a bunch of lamb phlegm from the
Swede's Mutton Surprise for lunch, and used that to squeeze through her

Tasty...

Very.

"Every ship needs a hostess!" D'Amour exclaimed. He knew how to captain

a

ship. He had watched every episode of 'Love Boat' twice. He had even

seen

the new version that had popped up decades later, though Robert Urich

was

no

Captain Stubing.

A bit of a review on the newer version of the series? ^_^

Oui. Not that I was a fan of the orignal series either.

getting everyone's attention. "Is there anything else you're going to

need

tonight?"

Talk about awful timing ^_^

Depending on your POV. :)

"One waitress to go."

And the world went dark for Kin.

She should have ran when she had the chance.

Yep.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I've been shanghaied!"

"Yes, from Shanghai. Very appropriate, that."

Heh

Surprisingly, I've never heard that one. Seemed obvious to me.

"Excuse me," D'Amour held up a warning finger. "We do not use such

offensive

terms as 'kidnapping' here. We are a racially diverse crew, and as such

we

must remain aware of one another's different cultural needs. In the name

of

racial sensitivity, we prefer you use the term, 'Freedom Impaired'."

Hehehehe

And now we know my feelings regarding being PC. :P

Kin felt like crying. Out on the open sea, there was no hope of escape.

She

was trapped even worse than in the Phat's bar. Already she smelled like
fish, just like the ship did.

She's afraid of getting used to it.

Oui.

right. Since I need you, I'll make you an officer of the ship instead of
normal crew."

That briefly perked Kin up. "Including a salary?"

She should know better.

Hoping against hope.

amount

of money people need to survive," Kawada informed her.

Kin's shoulder's slumped even further.

She should have seen that coming.

More hoping against hope.

D'Amour tried again to improve her spirits. "But you'll get full

benefits.

We have a world class Swedish chef in our galley. Every meal is

delicious."

Was he based on the chef from the Muppets?

Only the name. Not the character.

"Only if you consider dolphin colons and monkey tongues exotic. And I

know

I'll never look at an ostrich's balls the same way ever again," Frog

added

morosely.

Frog: And then there was the chocolate mousse...

Don't want to go there either.

checked out by the ship's exotic dancer, who's probably more

knowledgeable

about medicine than the doctor in any case," Brunt pointed out.

Kin felt what little hope she had diminishing.

She actually had hope?

She tries. She really does.

"You can have sex with me any time you want."

Hehehehe

You should have seen that one coming.

The others grabbed Kin before she was more than halfway over the

railing.

And here I thought she was gonna try a last-ditch effort at killing him
^_^

Nah. She knows that wouldn't do any good.

it

in their hearts to leave. It's like the crew is as much a jigsaw puzzle

as

this cobbled together ship, and some of us are pieces that fit in the

right

way to complete the puzzle. Usually, I'm good at noticing when the

pieces

fit. Sykes didn't. You do. Just thought you should know. Bye now."

Kin: Wait!  So that means you've had a chance to escape and didn't?

Kawada: (Shakes head) Nope, never had a chance at all to leave this
damn ship.  Now goodbye!

(He runs off before she can say anything else)

Hehehehe.

As Kin headed to her room, she paused, and took a hard look at the deck

of

the worn and rusty vessel that was her temporary prison. "If you think

for

one second that I belong in this mix of fools, incompetents, and

lecherous

bastards, you have another thing coming. I am normal, do you hear me?

I'm

not like them."

Which perfectly explains why she's talking to the ship.

Sadly, yes.

on
knew

the giggle was directed at her. Kin let out a sigh of surrender and

headed

directly to her room. No. Somehow, she knew it was not merely a room.

It was her new home.

(Upon entering her new home, Kin notices D'Amour on her bed, naked and
ready for action.  She immediately kicks him out of her room and throws
his clothes out her window)

Kin: (Shouting) This is going to happen everyday, isn't it?!


Umm... Better late than never? ^_^;

Yep. That's my motto. Just ask the people whose fics I am reviewing now,
months after the fact. :)

Scary thing is that I've been slower with some C&C for Brian...

Nah. Compared to me this isn't that scary.

Overall, a very funny fic.  Nice to read about D'Amour and the rest of
the TWPOS crew again.  Hope you have ideas for other fics that will
involve them.

I do. Just a question of being motivated and finding the time. So many
ideas, so little time. Anyone at Nekocon could have told you. I poured a lot
of ideas on them. Might be doing the next chapter of Avenging. They seemed
to think the idea sounded good, so hopefully it will prove to be. But only
after I've done some more reviews.

Thanks for the C+C. Very appreciated.

D.B. Sommer


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