Problem. My understand of honor may not be the best, but Gosunkugi was >the one dishonoring himself when he asked Akane out in front of Ranma. >He knew she was engaged to Ranma, whether he admited it at the time or >not, and he still asked her to betray him. Any insults or threats >Ranma brought to Gosunkugi afterward were punishment for the dishonor >Gosunkugi brought to himself. Nevertheless, you have Gosunkugi >painting Ranma a villian when all Ranma's done is defend his honor and >the honor of his fiancee.

One of the biggest points to all this, a point I was figuring on bringing out in the sequel to this, is that Gosunkugi still has not figured out that he was wrong for even sking akane out in the first place. That Ranma's threat was nothing more then justification of punishment. He knows it was wrong to do it, he just doesn't understand the reason why. It's something I don't wanna change because it's a hook to build the other side on. But I'm going to rewrite it to clarify his position.

Also the line 'I was hurt because of my error, and yet Ranma is going >to get what I want.' makes no sense, especially not with Gosunkugi's >realization that he isn't in love with Akane anymore. There is no >correlation between the two ideas there; should Gosunkugi get Akane >simply because he gets beat up? Because he foolishly stuck his hand >into an open fire?

This is true. This was the only paragraph that I was having any issues writing, a rareity for me. I'm going to rip this one apart, to say that even though he knows he can't have her and he can't lover her, part of his mind still hasn't accepted it. Part of his mind still hopes he can be the martyr. But again, this paragraph could definitely use a sprucing.

These set of paragraphs are disappointing because they are so poorly
expressed compared to the rest of what is otherwise a great fic.

That's why I posted it to the list as a draft! :D I wanted someone like you to sit down and pick out the errors so I could fix them. I knew this fic was awesome and a cut above my normal work, but I also know that there was something missing. You've helped me find it.

Be on the lookout for the redone version, probably on the list tonight or Thanksgiving day. And thanks again for writing and giving me these comments. :D

Mark G.

"I've got the straight edge!!!!!!!"

                     -Ian MacKaye of Minor Threat, 1981


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