From: "DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>
>      "Good!", said Ukyo as she breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm starting
> to become a little uncomfortable with the charade."
>
>      "Yeah, but it like you said, this do draw the thrillseekers and
> keep the customers coming.

Interesting angle.

   Given her demonstrated preoccupation with money in the manga I'd
be a trifle shocked if Ukyo hadn't considered it at one time or
another.

>
>      "No, no, not that!" Ukyo said impatiently, "Well that too, but
> that wasn't what I was concerned about. You said something about
> "Spring of Drowned Twins?"

Heh. And now we see how things are going to go.

Yup! ^_^

As she spoke, a fire came into her eyes
> that caused Shampoo to back away, "Hey whatever it is it not *that*
> serious!" eek!

Separate Shampoo's dialogue from Ukyou's.

Done.

>
>      "Oh yes it is-s-s-s!", sang Ukyo as she danced around with
> happiness, "I've got it, I've got it, I've got it! I am such a
> genius! Shampoo-honey, *I* am going to marry Ranma and when I do,
> *you-u-u* and Akane are going to be glad to throw rice at the wedding.
> I am so cool-l-l!" ^_^

Drop the smiley face. It's distracting.

OK.

>      "Another grand scheme to make everybody happy, eh?",

Ukyou: Well, just me, really. You'll have to come up with a plan of your
own.

Shampoo: Okay. Just checking!

>      "Spatula-girl, Do you remember just what the second thing Shampoo
> said to you at our first meeting was?", Shampoo asked with an ominous
> gentleness.

Ukyou: Your tongue hits all the right spots?

Shampoo: Oops. Shampoo meant second thing during second meeting.

Ukyo: Wasn't that "We have to stop seeing one another. I don't think Akane will give me the divorce"?

Shampoo: Never mind! *^.^*

>
>      "'Shampoo kill any girl near Ranma!'" Ukyo repeated quietly.
>
>      "Yeah! Now Shampoo's Japanese not as good as her Russian or
> English, but Shampoo would still like to know what part of that sound
> like, 'Shampoo think 'Trois a mens' is wonderful idea' to you?"

Heh. Cute play on words.

Thanks! ^_^

somersaults in the air, "But we *all* get to marry
> Ranma and *you* gave me the idea! This is so-o-o cool!"
>
>      "Waitaminute, waitaminute! Let us back up. *What* idea?"
>
>      "We are *each* going to get a Ranma all for our ver-r-ry own!

Ukyou is in a musical mood, I see. ^_^

Seriously, though. Her r-r-r and such is getting annoying. I'd only do it
once at the most.

   Hmmm! I'd wanted to keep it consistent throughout her transports of
joy but this is one I'll definitely look at again.

>      "*Maybe*. Then again, Taro's alternate form show that Curses can
> mix. And Shampoo pretty sure that's not the only problem. When
> something like that happens what happens to the soul?"
>
>      "Fine! Dandy!", shouted Shampoo as she abruptly pointed her
> finger at Ukyo, "But if you want Shampoo's support for this you are
> going to have to present this one with direct, undeniable, pragmatic
> and empirical proof that Twin Water no hurt the person who do it
> before Shampoo give you her support."

Ukyou splashed Shampoo with Twins water. "So?" she asked.

The Shampoos looked at one another. "Now we need one more Ranma." they said
as one.

LOL!

>
>       "Yes you did!", Shampoo said as she handed Ukyo's check back to
> her. Then, seeing through the red haze of her own anger just how
> embarrassed Ukyo was, she reached out and patted her on the shoulder.
> "Forget it," she said, "It's all right! Maybe Shampoo really is
> fuddy-duddy. You come up with proof that this idea is safe for Ranma
> and Shampoo really will support you all the way. Shampoo know that you
> no more want Ranma hurt anymore than she would. Just make sure that
> it's proof Shampoo really can believe, Ok?"

okay?"

fixed.

>      "Feh!", more time wasted with *That* *Boy*", grumbled a father
> who did not have that high an opinion of the younger Mr. Saotome.

Would be ironic if he liked Mousse more.

   Brrrrr! Now *that* was an angle that I hadn't thought of. I was
mostly thinking of him as either a "No boy is good enough for *my*
little girl" type Dad or else a "He reminds me too much of me when I
was his age!" type of Dad.

>      "Honor bright?", asked Shampoo.

'bright?' Not sure what that's supposed to mean.

'Honor bright?', 'Honor bright!' was a childhood query and oath not
unlike 'Honest Injun?','Scout's Honor!'. It was sort of a shorthand
for "Do you pledge this on you honor bright?", "Yes I do!" sort of
exchange.

>      "You've the word of a Kuonji!", proclaimed Ukyo.
>
>      "Shampoo not interested in the word of a Kuonji. If the word of
> an Ukyo not good enough the word of a Kuonji not good enough either.
> Shampoo trust individuals more than groups.

Interesting way of looking at it.

   I couldn't picture anyone without a streak of individualism (Or at
least a touch of "Ethics are more important than morality") choosing to
break Amazon Law on Ranma's behalf the way she did.

>      Shampoo's eyes went wide and she exchanged glances with Konatsu.
> "Uh, in that case can Shampoo take Ninja-boy along with her?"
>
>      Ukyo repressed a stab of jealousy and thought the matter over.
> Shampoo did suffer from a certain amount of gungho overexuberance at
> times, and she *was* occasionally prone towards taking a rhetorical
> statement too literally. So sending someone with Konatsu's common
> sense along to balance her *would* be a good way to keep things from
getting out of hand...

Why do I think that's going to backfire?

Long experience and pattern recognition perhaps? ;)

>      "Shampoo no want to talk about it. Help me load bodies onto
> plane and Shampoo explain things then."

Heh. When someone says 'load bodies' it's generally a bad sign.

Heero: One can never have too much mulch.

>      Ukyo bellowed a reply that drew a scandalized look from Shampoo
> who said, "Uh, Shampoo pretty sure that Ranma no want to marry girl
> who do *that* with entire baseball team!"

Female Ranma: That's right, since I'd want a crack at the team myself.

Ukyo and Shampoo: ^_^;

>
>      Ukyo banged her head against the wall. It felt good when she
> stopped so she did it again.

Heh. I've used a variation of that statement before.

It's an old joke that's still a goodie. ^_^

 That's not what I mean. What happened to Ran-chan,
> Kon-chan, and Akane? Why do the four of you look like you've been in
> a brawl, and why are the three of them acting like they were drugged?"
>
>      Shampoo smiled in relief. "Oh that one easy! The four of us was
> in a brawl, and then Shampoo drugged all three of them."

That was easy.

Yup. It's only the questions about the speed at which a sparrow can carry a coconut across an ocean that gets her into trouble.

>      The Amazon gave a little disatisfied frown. "Shampoo still not
> sure what part of 'Shampoo need to talk to Ranma and Akane in private'
> sound like 'Shampoo would really like Akane's pesky sisters to try to
> eavesdrop from hiding', but apparently that what Kasumi and Nabiki
> hear because when Shampoo take Airen and Mallet-girl into living room
> there they is! So Shampoo say out loud that this is something Shampoo
> only want Ranma and Akane to hear. Then she take Ranma and Akane out
> into garden and, when Shampoo look over their shoulders, it turn out
> Brookstick-girl

Broomstick

_<

Fixed!

and Yakuza-girl still with us, leaning out of door
> with hands to ear! At this point Shampoo still patient. She just
> observe out loud that *nice* people no eavesdrop on other people's
> conversations and take Airen and Idiot-girl out by koi pond. Kasumi
> just give look that promise that Shampoo's next couple of nights
> working at Dr. Tofu's clinic is going to be an exercise in misery,

Took up a second job as well? Shampoo hasn't been shown to work there for a
while.

   Yeah but neither has Dr. Tofu & I still see him cropping up in
post Vol. 38 fics. I decided that in such universes we can safely
assume Shampoo is still spending time as his apprentice/nurse and a number of the stories in my pipeline reflect that decision (I actually have an upcoming fic where she, as his apprentice, & therefore
heir, just takes over his clinic upon his leaving town after the
moxibustion crisis). It's a stretch, but no worse than the traditions that make Nabiki either a budding Corporate Exec type or a high school
Mob Boss, and it does provide our favorite Amazon with a interesting
set of problems and opportunities.

>      "Then Akane object when Shampoo pick up rock to throw at Nabiki
> - nothing serious, just something that would knock her out for a
> couple of minutes so Shampoo could explain everything and then get
> everybody to airport real quick - and then Akane say that anything
> Shampoo could say to Akane could be said in front of Nabiki as well.

Odd. Akane knows Nabby takes advantage of any situation she can.

   She's always been protective of her sisters and, pest or no, she
wasn't going to stand for anyone throwing rocks at Nabs (Mind Control, OTOH, she'd have less objections to. I picture Nabs as having teased
Akane enough on the subject that Akane would *love* to see her taken
down a peg or two so long as she wasn't hurt!).

>      "You jackass!", growled Ukyo, "It doesn't matter how much you
> paid her. She'll still sell us out the moment a higher bidder comes
> along, and she's always been the sort to go out of her way to find
> the higher bidder.

True. She's smart, that way. Though she would circumvent he silence promise
by writing the info down or something.

Yup.

*I* might have enough to keep her honest, provided
> I accompanied it with a believable death threat, but you - "
>
>      "Yeah, that's what Shampoo thought too! So when Yakuza-girl come
> close Shampoo give Ninja-boy the high sign, and while he take down
> Ranma from concealment, Shampoo suckerpunch Akane and Nabiki in about
> that order."

Hmm. Didn't see that coming.

Neither did Akane! ^_^

>      "Mistress, it was awful! Just awful!!!", exclaimed the gentle
> ninja.
>
>      Ukyo braced herself for the worst. "What happened?"
>
>      "S-s-she..."
>
>      Ukyo flagged a stewardess down and gave him a drink, "Spit it out
> so I can figure out what kind of damage control we need to do. What
> happened?"
>
>      "There was nothing I could do and sh-she, SHE INSISTED ON LEAVING
> A LIVING WITNESS BEHIND!"

Hehehehehe. Great. Absolutely perfect.

Thanks! *^_^*

>      "No she not!", denied Shampoo. She glanced down at her watch.
> "It now 11 days, 21 hours, and 33 minutes before she lose the
> compulsion to sing about being a little teapot short and stout whenever
> she try to communicate about this to anyone."

Heh. Cute. Amazon mind control points are amusing.

I never leave home without them.

>
>      Ranma's eyes opened.

And he started singing, "I'm a little teapot short and stout."

"Darn, Shampoo give commands to wrong person," she lamented.

Oh dear! o.o;

>      Suddenly animation came into Ranma's face. "Juseynko? You sure?"
>
>      "Do these eyes lie?"

Ranma; Do you want me to answer that?

Shampoo: Only if Ranma smart enough to give right answer.

Ranma: I won't answer it, then.

Ranma grows wise!

>
>      "I'm hungry-y-y!", said Ranma.
>
>      "Mistress, Miss Akane hit me!", said Konatsu.
>
>      "No make Shampoo go back there or all three of you be sorry!"
>
>      "Are we ther-r-re yet?"

Heh. Cute.

>
>      "We'll show you flat-chested!", said Ukyo as she and Akane
> whipped off shirt and bra alike. Akane however, hung onto hers and
> gave it a dramatic little whirl. "Yoohoo, boy-y-ys!" she called as she
> and Ukyo advanced towards the sentries that Ranma and Konatsu had not
> been able to distract.

Didn't know they were at the fortress. Might want to denote the scene change
better.

   That was a bit rushed. Hopefully the new version will give
the reader a better warning of the scene change.
(All of one sentence but still...^_^;).

>      "There is one thing I'd like to add though!..."
>
>      Shampoo's eyes went wide in enquiry.
>
>      "I'm a ben dan, and no good with words, but before this happens,
> I want you to know that the knowledge that there is a me who's become
> your husband will be a source of profound happiness to me no matter
> which me I am!"

Ranma; Since I intend to be the Ranma that marries Akane and any clones get
marry you girls since I don't want you bothering me about marrying you
anymore.

Shampoo: Sniff! Shampoo understand. It longstanding Romantic Comedy
tradition that handsome but boring Cleancut Hero should prefer insipid
albeit goodhearted Everywoman Heroine to the competant but beautiful
Femme Fatale...

Ranma: Hey!

Shampoo: ...So best thing Beautiful Romance Villainess can do is accept
that boring Cleancut Hero no want her and try her luck with Amoral Cad
like Pantyhose Taro...

Ranma: WHAT?

Shampoo: ...Or maybe, if fanfic writers ever like to play with
Nurse/Physician romance conventions is always Handsome Physician archetypes like Dr. Tofu. *He* at least not boring.
[Begins walking stage right]

Ranma: I am *not* boring!!!

Shampoo:[Over her shoulder as she continues stage right] *Interesting*
cleancut Romance Heroes all choose the clever Romance Villainess.

Ranma: [running to catch up with her] I am too interesting! [Takes her
hand as she holds it out]. I am too! Am too!

Shampoo: Well is pragmatic way to test that. *Interesting* Romance
Heroes is always good at kissing. [Winks at audience as she leads Ranma
offstage].

   [15 minutes pass]

   [Ranma & Shampoo return. Ranma's face is covered with lipstick.
Shampoo's hair is mussed. Both wear gold rings and look happy. Shampoo
attempts to project an air of innocence as she brushes her hair].

Ranma: See? I told you I was interesting.

Shampoo: And you was right! [Tucks marriage certificate with their
names on it into purse]. Anyway back to C&C!

>      "...And so, Akane, I'm a baka and bad with words, but while I'd
> not admit it to our Dads, I guess I'd like to let you know that I'm
> glad there's a me who's gonna marry you, so I guess our Dads knew what
> they were doing after all. You're nobody I'd've planned on but you're
> better then I'd've planned."

I see a pattern forming.

   Ranma says the right thing around a female so seldom that he's
not about to give up on a proven winner on the rare occasion that he
finds one.

>
>      "I-I'm not glum, Mistress. I'm very happy that your dream is
> finally being fulfilled and I'm honored to have played a role in
> helping you towards it but I...I hope he's good to you!"

Konatsu: Since I'll gut him like a stuck pig in his sleep if he doesn't.

Yup, yup! Precisely what he's thinking.

>      Konatsu stared at her with woebegone eyes, "O Mistress Mine,
> I'd walk through fire for you, but to live with you under the same
> roof while you were another man's wife is something that would tear
> the very heart from my breast and grind it to a thousand pieces.
> Ask me for my life but do not ask me for this."

Ukyou: Fine. Kill yourself.

Konatsu: Excuse me, I was just being melodramatic.

Ukyou: I wasn't. Did you see the size of the policy I took out on you?

Konatsu: But they never pay off in the event of a suicide.

Ukyou: Oh! Never mind. How about I take out a large life insurance on
Gemna and give you half of the payout in return for you wasting him?

Konatsu: Works for me.

>      "But Sugar, this is something that I am going to have to ask you.
> Thanks to your family I'd ended up knowing now you felt about me when
> they thought that knowing would cause me to reject you and I sorta
> made my choice even then. I'm marrying Ranma and that's set in stone,
> but I've gotten kind of used to havin' you at my restaurant and I'll
> allow as how I'd miss ya if you were gone. So will you trust me now?
> I can't rightly speak all my hopes until I know for sure whether my
> plan's gonna work, but I promise you this - If everything goes off
> then I'ma gonna make sure that you get taken care of. I've already
> got my eyes on a certain gal for you. Same interests as you and
> everything! And I reckon as how you'll love her as every bit much as
> ever you loved me. So please stay! Because I kinda want you around me
> for as long as the both of us live. Trust me?"

She's talking a bit too much like a hick. I'd definitely tone it back a lot
since its distracting.

   Will do. That's the trouble with dialect, lay it on too thick and you lose the reader's interest (Or, worse, become unreadable!), lay it on too thin and nobody realizes you did it on purpose (if they notice it at all).

   I might be wrong but my understanding was that she occasionally
talked like a hick in the original so I did want to get a touch of
that in the dialogue (particularly when she's nervous or excited).

>      "That's cause there aren't any sleeves. Does that mean we should
> check your cups?", said Akane, who had prudently ducked away from
> arm's reach this time.
>
>      "No hat either. So Shampoo want to know just where you conceal
> rabbit!"

Heh. Cute.

   I was wondering if anyone would notice that one! ^_^

It *had* been Miss Shampoo rather

> than Mr. Ranma that he'd expected trouble from, but a true ninja
> assumes untrustworthiness in everyone,

Gee. Sounds like me.

You are a true ninja indeed. ^_~

>      "His was a divided heart but, even when it was divided, it was a
> faithful and steadfast one that cared for you as well. I know him to
> be a good man who is worthy of you, or else he would have experienced
> an unfortunate accident long before this day had come.

Heh. Love his subtle threats.

It's when he stops talking about it that you have to watch out.

>
>      "I know that I said that I would not wish to live under the
> same roof as you when you were another man's wife, but I see now
> how selfish that truly was. Worse, far worse, would be to live with
> the knowledge that the woman I loved about Heaven and Earth had
> sacrificed herself for the likes of me. You deserve better than
> that. Let us hasten and catch the others while we may!"

Ukyou: Can the melodramatic crap. I'm doing this because I want to.Now give
me some sugar, baby.

Konatsu: Certainly, Mistress! [Pulls out 2 boxes of Domino's]. White
or brown?

Ukyou: "..."

>      "Now let's talk of divided hearts! One reason I could sympathize
> with Ranma was that I knew his situation from the inside. I loved him
> with a fire in which I would happily have been consumed but I found,
> to my surprise, that there was another man I'd come to love with the
> steadiness of the Earth that merges happily with compatible ground.
> He was a quiet man, a gentle man, the kind of man you'd want as a
> knight anytime you were a queen. He was a bit unworldly and a tad
> quirky on the subject of clothing, but that was alright because the
> first just meant his pride wouldn't be under threat if his woman
> called the shots and that he wouldn't mind if she decided that *she*
> was the one to wear the dress in this here family."

Too eloquant, but since this is a short piece, we'll have to live with it.
Still, I'd make it a bit more awkward when she's speaking.

   Yeah, especially given the way this passage is inconsistent with
the dialect laden one. The Romance convention I was leaning on was the
one where in the "do or die" moment the speaker suddenly, for no apparent reason, has no trouble in being as eloquent as he or she wants
no matter how previously inarticulate or uneducated they'd been before
(Even Godai seemed to have a touch of this in MI). Makes sense I s
suppose since if the right thing weren't said occasionally
none of us would be born.

>
>      She looked up into his startled eyes and smiled, "Don't you get
> it Darlin'? I'm not the Ukyo Kuonji who lost. *I'm the Ukyo Kuonji who
> won!*"

Hmm. How very interesting. Didn't see that coming. Very nice.

   Thanks! I was afraid that the dedication would give everything
away.

Happy ending syndrome. Pat, and all right, but I do prefer it taken in small
doses. Having it from Ukyou's POV, mostly kept humorous instead of angsty,
and involving Konatsu were enough to catch my interest and enable me to
enjoy the read. Very nice work.

D.B. Sommer

I'm glad you liked it! ^___^

- S.P.M.

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