And here's the second half.


Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ten minutes later, the garage door opened, allowing Heero Yui to emerge into
the light of day, seated upon his colossal lawn mower. Every other man in
the neighborhood that heard the engine's warcry echo through the streets,
grunted in envy at how lucky Heero was in commanding such a magnificent
mower.

Heero circled around the house to the backyard. The skies were still clear,
and the air was slightly on the cool side. Ideal weather for mowing. The
moment the titanic blade of his big toy (which was powerful enough to slice
through a four inch piece of wood without slowing) touched the lawn, the air
became filled with the fresh scent of cut grass. It wasn't as pleasing to
Heero's senses as the smell of gunpowder and blood, but despite what some
contended, he did possess some male instincts, and the knowledge of having
such power between his legs comforted him in ways women would never
understand.

The cutting progressed quickly, but only a fifth of the lawn was finished
when a furtive movement close to the ground grabbed Heero's attention. It
was a subtle thing, a motion that well over ninety percent of the population
would have missed, but an alert Heero caught the movement just out of the
corner of his eye. It had come from the direction of the garden. Pretending
not to notice, Heero circled the mower so its long and armored side was
parallel to where the activity had come from, then jumped off, the dead
man's switch causing the mower to shut down the instant his foot left the
pedal. Staying low, he crouched down behind the mower, keeping it between
him and the garden. He pulled his gun out and darted his head around the
edge for only a split second to see if the potential enemy would react.
Seeing nothing the first time, not even a stray shot in his direction, he
then looked out from the opposite side, again spotting nothing and gaining
the same results.

After waiting a handful of moments, continuing to steal glances from various
spots so no one could get a proper bead on him, Heero fell on his stomach,
then began crawling, staying flat and presenting as small a target profile
as possible. Seeing nothing react to his behavior, Heero became emboldened,
and leaped up, tucking into a roll which ended with him coming into a
shooter's crouch right next to the garden.

Now that he was up close to the sizable bed of plants, Heero understood what
had happened. A series of small holes were spread throughout the garden, dug
out from below. They were too small to have been created by midget commandos
tunneling underneath his lawn, and with the collateral damage from around
the plants, it was easy to see what had really happened.

Tiny teethmarks dotted many of the plants and their leaves, ruining them
beyond any hope of repair. By Heero's estimation, nearly thirty-five percent
of the garden had been destroyed by at least one small animal. It must have
been working intensively at inflicting the damage since the end of
yesterday, when Relena had last tended her hobby.

A busy little pest had inflicted casualties upon Heero's home -even if they
were only plants, they were part of the family- and those that would harm
anything under his protection would soon meet a dismal end of their own.

Heero smiled.

He stood motionless, pistol at the ready, prepared for action the moment a
head stuck its inquisitive nose out of a hole. More statue than human, Heero
remained standing still for nearly half an hour before he saw something
black start to rise to the surface of a hole located next to some rutabagas.
It was a tiny part, barely noticeable, at least to one who wasn't as
constantly aware of his surroundings as Heero was. That it was almost
directly behind him was no problem; his peripheral vision would make a fly
envious. He tightened the grip on his gun and waited.

Eventually the black object was joined by another, and both started to rise
evenly and in conjunction with one another. Soon it became evident to Heero
what the objects were: rabbit ears. Now he had a name to his foe. It would
make dealing with it easier. Heero waited patiently for the head itself to
poke above the top of the hole. Once it did, it would all be over an instant
later with a quick double tap to the head. While many would think it a waste
of bullets to use two instead of one, Heero would take no chances. It never
paid to take chances. What if the rabbit fell back into the hole and
survived the wound? Ten years later it could 'return from the dead', seeking
vengeance, just like Trieze had.

Well, actually Trieze hadn't come back from the dead, and there was no
indication he ever would, but Heero always held out the hope that he would
return and try to gain vengeance by building some mobile suits and making
life interesting again. Trieze could still do it, even fifteen years later.
Just look at Lady Une. Being shot at point blank range, then having the
asteroid she was on blown into gravel, and then being propelled into space
without a space suit for at least a little while hadn't killed her. It
hadn't even given her a scar, and she was just Trieze's flunky. Surely he
could have survived. All that happened to him was his Gargoyle being
destroyed in a spectacular explosion with him in it. He was the true
mastermind behind the war, and was entitled to survive just about anything,
especially a demise where they never recovered his body. Of course he might
have just been lazy and decided death would be preferable to coming back. He
did drop out of sight in the middle of the series, only reappearing at the
end, as though he had grown bored about mid-way through and only chose to
reappear long enough to allow himself to be finished off and tie up some
loose ends. He might have thought resurrecting himself clich�. And, the
truth of the matter was, Trieze was pretty much a self-centered dick. It
would be just like him to stay dead solely to piss Heero off.

Heero was still entertaining fantasies of flamboyant evil masterminds
triggering global wars involving the entirety of humanity when he realized
that the ears weren't rising any higher. Patiently, he stayed right where he
was, but all waiting nearly fifteen minutes did was give him a case of
having to go to the toilet. But no matter how much time passed, the ears
remained motionless. That made things a bit problematic. While it was true
Heero had enough patience to watch paint dry and then flake off, he did have
a mission to complete. Already the rabbit had wasted too much time and was
going to force Heero to revise his plans.

Deciding it was in his best interest to end things quickly, Heero decided to
take a chance. He spun and leaped up in the air, hoping to get a better
angle at shooting downward into the hole and nailing the rabbit in the head.
Amazingly, the ears went back down in the hole even faster, and all Heero
did was cause several clods of dirt to be hurled into the air as the shots
hit where the ears were just a split-second earlier.

He hovered above the hole, a cat waiting for the mouse to come out of its
home and play. He held little hope for its reappearance, which made it all
the more surprising when he saw the ears pop out of a different hole several
feet away. Seeing them halt their upward movement once again, Heero tried
repeating his tactics, only to net the same result as the ears went
subterranean again, evading the bullets fired their way.

This time Heero did not remain next to the hole. Instead his eyes darted
back and forth, waiting for what he suspected was to come. He must have been
getting rusty to have missed nailing the furry rodent with four shots, but
the little bastard wouldn't dodge a fifth bullet. Heero swore that to
himself.

His vigilance was rewarded as he saw the slightest tip of black appear from
out of one of the holes again. Rather than waiting for more to appear, Heero
fired instantly. This time he was rewarded by the tip of the ear suddenly
developing a half circle where the bullet had hit its target. The ears
dropped down and out of sight before a second shot could follow.

That made Heero nod in satisfaction. That should do it. Rabbits were just
animals. No doubt the little beast would run as far away as it could in fear
rather than risk losing even more of its ear. Pain was a far more effective
deterrent in animals than it was in people. With any luck, the annoying pest
would find its way to Flanders yard, where it would...

A pair of rabbit ears poked just above the rim of a hole right in Heero's
line of sight. A semi-circle was taken out of the tip of one of them. Not
wasting a moment, Heero fired repeatedly. He took a chunk out of the second
ear, nearly a centimeter lower than the first hit, before the ears ducked
back in the hole.

Gun held firmly in his hand, Heero's eyes scanned the various holes strewn
throughout the garden. Odd, how the rabbit hadn't reacted by running away
after Heero nicked it in the ear. True, perhaps the shot wasn't as damaging
as it appeared, or maybe the rabbit was determined to hold his ground since
it had been dining with such impunity on the garden until now, but with the
second shot in a lower area, the animal was certain to flee.

At least until it reappeared. Heero snapped off two more shots at the ears
that suddenly popped up out of the hole. Neither shot struck this time as
they ducked down as quickly as they appeared.

Adrenaline coursed through Heero's veins as he looked quickly around, trying
to spot the target. Again the ears popped up, and again Heero took a couple
of shots, hitting the ears once more and them still showing no real
deterrence as they popped up five more feet away.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

At the window of the house, Selena and Jimmy watched on.

Jimmy stared in awe. "Wow! It's exactly like someone playing 'Whack-a-Mole',
except it's a rabbit and your father's using a gun."

Selena sighed. "Looks like things are going to get crazy around here. You'd
better go home and take cover."

"Awww, but it's getting fun."

"You're not trained to take a bullet the way I am, and I have a feeling if
you even get grazed, your parents won't let you come over any more."

Jimmy hung his head low. "Yeah, you're probably right. They get paranoid
when people start firing guns around me. Can I come over again tomorrow?"

"Sure. Remind me, and I'll show you my collection of throwing knives."

"Cool." Jimmy allowed himself to be escorted out of the home. Once convinced
he wouldn't be hit by a stray shot from her father, Selena went inside to
dig up her bullet-proof vest, just in case she was hit by a stray bullet. It
wouldn't kill her, of course, her father had taught her not to die when she
got shot, but the damn things hurt like hell when they penetrated the skin.
She preferred to avoid the experience altogether, thank you very much.

"You're such a !#$%, Daddy," Selena grumbled.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

One last shot rang out.

Heero scowled at the sight before him. Now he was out of ammunition.
Unbelievably, he had gone through three magazines, all that he kept on him
during low risk operations, like mowing. The results were two shot up ears
which, given the condition they were in, wouldn't be able to hear a nuclear
bomb going off right next to them. Ten times Heero had hit the ears,
shooting them down until they were little more than nubs, and still the
rabbit had seemed unfazed by the hits. Was it on PCP, or was it merely far
tougher than the rest of its ilk?

That was when Heero noticed something odd. The tattered remnants of the ears
had stopped moving. Instead they just lay there, slumped against the rim of
the hole.

"About time," Heero mumbled. He kept the gun raised up. Despite being out of
ammunition, it might serve as a distraction. When most people found a gun
leveled at them, they tended to duck first and wonder if it was loaded
later.

He moved to the edge of the hole and looked down, counting on seeing a
bleeding corpse. For his hard efforts in trying to permanently remove the
unwanted pest and expending all of his ammunition, Heero was rewarded with a
pair of tattered pieces of black cloth attached to a 'T' of wood, left lying
in the hole.

A crunching sound came from behind him.

Slowly, Heero turned, knowing exactly what would be awaiting him. As
expected, his eyes fell upon a completely black rabbit, save for a
distinctive patch of white around the left eye. It stared at Heero
contemptuously, eating one of the carrots it had dug up during his shooting
spree.

Heero stared at it, their eyes locking onto one another. The challenge
unmistakable.

Had Heero's brother-in-law, Zechs, been present he would have recoiled in
horror, recognizing the rabbit for what it was. It was the end result of an
alternate plan Trieze had come up with while formulating the
all-encompassing one concerning the war. One of the things Trieze had
mentioned to Zechs and the others was that training animals to wire
explosives to mobile suits was a cheap alternative to actually building
suits himself. It had worked with the navy and dolphins planting mines on
subs and ships, so why not some land based animal as well?

Zechs and the others went to work. After seeing Planet of the Apes, primates
were out. Dogs were too stupid to learn. Cats were too smart and refused to
learn. The rats worked out well, until they went renegade and formed some
organization called N.I.M.H.. Slugs had that whole salt problem. Eventually,
rabbits and ferrets were chosen, mostly because they were the only animals
left to experiment with. Everything went well, until someone had the bright
idea of trying to get them to work in mixed teams. The ferrets and rabbits
got along about as well as starving tigers and animal rights activists
slathered in bacon grease would. When the dust settled, there was only one
rabbit left standing, a pure black one with a white patch around his right
eye.

When the results of the experiments were revealed to Trieze, he said, "I was
only joking. We're going forward with the whole global war thing using
mobile suits instead of trained animals. I'm astounded that you were stupid
enough to actually try to go forward with that plan. I can't believe you're
that gullible. The next thing you'll tell me is that you really did recruit
a psychotic multiple personality whacko as my aide when I was joking about
it last week."

Everyone laughed hard at that one.

As to the rabbit suddenly finding itself unemployed, it chose to escape and
headed for the hills, never to be heard from again. Until now.

Okay, actually Zechs would not have recoiled in horror, but rather would
have laughed his fool head off at Heero having to square off against a
commando rabbit. It was quite silly, really, the idea that Heero, the master
of the Zero Gundam who had racked up a higher body count than most natural
disasters could, would end up facing off against a small mammal and it would
be a close contest, but in a peacetime setting, it was the best opponent
Heero could hope for, pathetic as it was.

To emphasize the point, the rabbit paused in its dinner to give Heero the
middle finger, which was actually a toe since it had no fingers, just paws.
But Heero still understood the meaning.

The gun whipped towards the rabbit's head, but the animal effortlessly
evaded the thrown projectile by ducking back under the earth. There was what
sounded vaguely like a snicker emanating from the hole, a mocking noise
composed of a nasally whine and gnashing teeth that taunted and ridiculed in
a manner no human would be capable of. It was only slightly less irritating
than Flanders own laugh.

Lesser men would have been enraged at being mocked in such a manner. But
Heero Yui didn't care in the slightest. He found being fired upon far more
irritating than someone trying to make fun of him. Besides, most of the
people that tried to mock him tended to be on the opposite side of whatever
battle he was involved in at the time, which meant they tended to not mock
him for very long, since corpses have a hard time doing anything outside of
decomposing.

Deciding to plan his next assault, Heero entered the house. Inside, he found
himself greeted by his daughter. "Need help?" she asked.

"I am trained in every form of combat on the face of the planet. I have
killed more people than even I can count. If you combined the other four
Gundam pilots, you might come within a hundred or so of the number of
enemies I took out during the course of the war. I am probably the deadliest
human being on the planet, just as you are probably the deadliest seven-year
old. Stop making that face. There is no one that can defeat me one-on-one,
perhaps even two-on-one. Now you stand there, asking me if I need help in
exterminating a bothersome pest whose existence solely consists of eating,
crapping, and reproducing, then going to sleep and doing it over again. What
does that tell you?"

"I got that pair of Colt Pythons you got me for Christmas upstairs in my
room. Just say the word and I'll be good to go."

"Excellent, but I require no backup today. I want you to go ahead and make a
homemade landmine using only an etch-a-sketch, ramen noodles, two bottle
caps, and a badminton birdie."

"Can I use duct tape?"

"Don't be ridiculous. Anyone can make a landmine using duct tape. I want you
to test your skills and build it without any. Now go. Daddy has business to
take care of."

Selena shrugged and let her father leave. For some odd reason, she thought
it was going to be a closer fight than the big dope would admit, even if the
odds were ridiculous. It would serve him right for getting cocky and being
upstaged by an overgrown rodent.

Gathering the materials her father had instructed, Selena kept one eye on
her equipment and the other on the backyard, where the upcoming battle was
about to take place.

It took less than five minutes for Heero to gather the weapons he needed for
the second round of attacks. Gun reloaded, he uncoiled the length of garden
hose he had grabbed and held the open end of it. It was a disgustingly
simple plan and method of attack. He would flush the vermin out using the
water hose, flooding the holes and conduits which led between them. Forced
to the surface, Heero would shoot the rabbit dead

Looking at the state the garden was in, Heero realized the his enemy had
succeeded in destroying another five percent of it in his absence. The
creature was moving fast. Heero placed the end of the hose in one of the
holes, turned on the water full blast, and stood off to the side, waiting
for the rabbit to be flushed out. Five minutes became ten. Ten minutes
became fifteen. Fifteen became twenty.

"I'm starting to see a pattern emerge," Heero commented.

Sure enough, five minutes later, twenty minutes became twenty-five.

"I knew it," Heero said in a flat voice full of satisfaction.

What Heero didn't know was why the holes weren't filling. Surely there was
more than enough water in them by now, but water hadn't come out of the top
of a single one yet. How deep could the holes be?

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Wow, dear! You spelled Quarxxzlus on a triple word score. That means I owe
you three more dollars. With the way you're wiping me out, you might make me
have to work overtime. Hehehehe." Flanders snorted in laughter, as did his
wife.

He stood up. "I'm getting a drink. Want me to get you some?"

"I'll pass." She said.

Flanders went back to the kitchen and grabbed some milk from the
refrigerator. He was just about to return to the dining room when he cast a
glance out the back screen door. "Honey?"

"Yes, dearest?" came the reply.

"You know the pond out back?"

"No, I can't say I do."

"I thought so. We didn't have one earlier today, did we?"

"Not that I can recall, although it did rain last night and I wasn't paying
close attention to the yard today."

Flanders looked the scene over more carefully. "Oh, I see. Water is gushing
into our yard from a hole in the ground. There must have been a very
localized earthquake which ripped open a path to an underground river which
is now submerging our backyard. There's also a rabbit in the water."

"A rabbit? What's it doing in the water?

 "The backstroke."

"Hmm. A pond in the backyard? Well, I've always liked ducks," his wife said
with the kind of carefree glee that most associated with being on a mind
altering drug.

"And we can invite the Peacecrafts over to fish. Good thinking, honey."
Flanders looked at the rabbit. It was now doing the butterfly, and with a
darn good form as well. He'd have to get some lily pads to help add to the
effect.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was time to admit a temporary setback in the current attack. Heero
decided to enact the third stage of his plan. He went back into the house
only to run into his daughter once again. The homemade landmine sat next to
her as she was perched over her small laptop computer, hand deftly playing
and focusing on the image displayed on the screen. Eyes still affixed to her
work, Selena said, "Daddy, I've been reviewing your old battle footage,
specifically your fights with my deranged Uncle Zechs."

"He's not deranged."

"Then why does he still wear that ridiculous metal helmet on his head, the
one that covers the upper part of his face?"

"He says it's part of his mystique. Apparently it helps him pick up girls. A
mix of being bishonen and mysterious apparently really turns women on."

"Yeah, right. I think it's to hide his age, since he's so much older than
the rest of the far more bishonen Gundam pilots, who have a much bigger
fangirl base than he could ever hope to have. Aside from a few lemons with
Trieze, he almost never gets any. Even Quatre sees more action than him."

"Selena, you're breaking through the fourth wall. Even I disapprove of that
sort of destruction."

 "Oops. Sorry. Forget I said anything."

"And you're right about the age thing. He's getting so old and dumpy even
Noin has been showing more interest in Une than him. Or at least she was
before the whole china incident. Don't say it to your uncle's face, though.
He's a bit sensitive, and tends to cry a lot when people mention it, and
then his helmet gets rusty and he looks even more stupid. Then even I feel
compelled to tell people we're not related. Like Duo always says, there's
nothing more pathetic than seeing a flabby, aging bishonen bawling like a
little baby about losing his looks."

"All right. I'll keep my lips sealed."

"Was there something else you wanted to mention?"

"Yes." Selena went back to the computer screen. "Like I was saying, I was
watching your old battle footage."

"Ah yes, the good old days of inflicting mass destruction and running up a
massive kill rate. And the best part of all was that the sides kept
changing. One day OZ is bad, the next it's good and being attacked by the
new more powerful bad guys in town. It meant there was always a battle to be
fought somewhere, and I was always in the thick of it, jumping to which ever
side was weakest since that meant I had more targets to destroy. So many
mobile suits and so little time." He gave a mournful sigh.

Selena returned it with a level stare. "Okay, but if you were such a hotshot
pilot, how come in all the times you fought Uncle Zechs, you never spotted
the hole in his defense?"

"He didn't have any holes. If there were, I would have spotted them
instantly and killed him like I did everyone else."

"Sure he did." Selena punched up a computer screen and displayed a
side-by-side image of two of the numerous fights between Heero and Zechs.
After a moment, the computer froze the images. Manipulating the mouse,
Selena pointed to an area that was identical in both scenes. "Right there.
He leaves himself open around the waist after two high strikes, anticipating
the third to be either just as high, or from the opposite direction. One
energy blade thrust coming in high at his center, and it's curtains for
him."

After a moment's pause, Heero said, with just a hint of reluctance in his
voice, "I deliberately never killed him. You see, I'm secretly a closet
romantic. I knew your mother and I were destined for one another, and I knew
that if I killed her brother, she would never forgive me. So I toyed with
Zechs, only pretending he was as good as me so that Relena would never hold
his death against me. It's the greatest secret I've ever kept. If people
knew I had a compassionate side, my image as an ice cold perfect soldier
would have been irreparably shattered. I had to maintain the illusion, to
sustain my aura of invincibility. That was the only way I could do it
without being seen as human."

Selena looked at her father through wide eyes, as though seeing her father
in a new light. "Daddy?"

"Yes."

"That's the biggest load of !#$% I've ever heard! You were still trying to
whack Mom even after the first five or so fights with Uncle Zechs!"

Heero's voice became flat again as all emotion left it. "You're right. I
can't believe I missed such a glaring hole. I could have removed that pest
easily, and gone on to double my kill score if I hadn't wasted so much time
fighting him. I applaud your awareness in spotting his weakness." He looked
at her computer screen again. "By the way, just out of curiosity, did you
find any holes in my defense?"

"Yes, one."

"I see. So, what is it?"

"You'll find out the first time we fight for real in mobile suits." She gave
her father in evil smile.

"That's very amusing. But seriously, what is it?"

"I'm not telling."

"I'm your father. I demand you tell me."

Selena stuck out her tongue at him.

He unleashed a flat look of disapproval. "I'm disappointed in you. I taught
you to respect your elders."

"No, Mom taught me to respect my elders. You taught me to never give up an
advantage in combat no matter what, since it could mean the difference
between life and death."

Heero dropped his hand to his pocket, the one where the gun resided. "But
aren't you forgetting something? I could kill you now and remove your
possible threat from my future."

A burst of laughter escaped Selena's lips. "Wrong on three counts. The first
is, I exchanged all of your bullets for that gun with blanks. The second is
even if you did find some live rounds, I have my finger on a dead man's
switch. Shoot me, and the explosives I rigged in this room for just this
particular conversation will take you out, as well as most of the house."

Heero felt his heart swell with parental joy. Selena was learning. "What's
the third?"

"Bad enough to make the second seem like a blessing. Mom would be... upset."

There was an involuntary movement of muscles down Heero's back. It took him
a moment to remember what that was: a shudder. It had been so long since he
had experienced one that he had forgotten what it felt like, the creeping
sensation down the spine. The only other time in his life when one had
wracked him was when Relena had described, in excruciating detail, just what
would happen to him if he ever touched another woman in an intimate way. He
didn't know if a rocket launcher could fit there, let alone three, but his
wife could be inventive when she wanted to be, and he had no desire to find
out.

"You're a devious little girl," Heero said.

"I learned from the best."

"I know. It's good to see you paid attention. I look forward to meeting you
in mobile suit combat someday. It should prove interesting," Heero said.

It was the closest thing to a compliment Selena had ever heard pass through
her father's lips. She would have felt proud, if he wasn't such a putz.
"Given the way you entered the house I take it the rabbit hunting isn't
going to well."

"The target is still alive at the moment."

"Want some help?"

"That will be unnecessary. Continue what you were doing."

Selena closed the computer. "Actually, I was done. I just wanted to rub your
nose in your inadequacies. I'm getting a jump on becoming a teenager. I'll
be upstairs when you decide you'll need my help."

"I'll be serving lunch in an hour," Heero informed her as he went to the
refrigerator and then the cupboards, retrieving a thick carrot and then some
rat poison. He grabbed a coring knife, cut open the top of the carrot, and
proceeded to carefully remove the center while leaving the enough for the
exterior to remain intact. Once more than three quarters of the interior was
removed, Heero placed a quantity of rat poison in the center. There was a
sufficient amount to kill five rabbits over. Satisfied at his ingenuity, he
proceeded to tape the top back on, masking the cut and affixing the top
securely in place.

Heero went back outside and dropped the carrot down one of the holes,
leaving only the very topmost part of green in sight, then backed away and
proceeded to wait. Not more than a minute passed before the top of the green
disappeared.

The trap had been set off without a hitch.

Heero waited motionless for a handful of minutes, just in case the rabbit
sensed the trap and threw the carrot back out. When nothing happened, he
walked over and gazed down the hole, just in case the carrot had merely
slipped further down. A close inspection revealed the bait had indeed been
dragged back in the hole, not that it had merely fallen a little further in.

And so it was over. The ending had felt almost anti-climatic to Heero. He
had halfway expected the rabbit to somehow circumvent the trap like he had
the other two, but it appeared even his newfound opponent had limits. It was
a shame. At least the little vermin had made things interesting this
afternoon. He could thank the rabbit for that.

Heero was so wrapped up in the finality of the moment that he missed the
swift form that jumped out of a hole next to the porch and ran inside before
it was spotted.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sweat began to trickle into Heero's eyes as he mowed the lawn. He was
finished with over seventy percent of it now, but was feeling hungry.
Naturally he could go weeks without food when he had to, but it would
negatively affect his performance if he didn't get the ideal amount of
fluids and nutrients in him now. Besides, it was lunchtime for the child and
he had to make the meal for her.

Entering the kitchen, which was attached to the back porch of the house,
Heero spotted a sandwich lying on a plate on the middle of the table. It was
made with his favorite: peanut butter and peanut butter. He didn't like
jelly. There were too many flavors, and they tended to have a fruity taste
which excited his tastebuds. He didn't like excited tastebuds. It tended to
lead to other things, like showing his emotions. And the next thing he would
know, he'd burst into song and dance for no apparent reason and lose the
urge to shoot anything that he regarded as a potential threat. No, jelly was
bad for him, and he would have nothing to do with it. Peanut butter was
good. Nothing exciting about that; just bland stickiness. Unless it had nuts
in it. Nutty peanut butter was almost as bad as jelly. Only the plain,
sticky stuff for him. And only white bread as well. It was the most bland,
and therefore the most satisfying to him, given his personality.

Remarking to himself that it was nice that Selena had made his favorite
lunch for a change, Heero poured himself a glass of water, the most
efficient form of liquid which would re-hydrate him, and sat down. He began
to eat half the sandwich.

Selena came into the room a moment later. She looked around the table, then
at what her father was eating. "Mind if I have some?"

He moved the plate with the remaining half towards her. She picked up the
piece and began wolfing it down. "Tastes a bit salty," she said between
bites.

"Yes. It is." Luckily, salt didn't really tantalize his tastebuds either,
despite it being a flavor enhancer.

"You could have put a bit less on it," Selena complained.

"I didn't put any on it. You did."

"No, I didn't. You saw me just pick it up. I didn't put any on."

"I meant when you made it."

"I didn't make it. You did."

Heero stopped chewing.

Selena looked at the window. "Daddy, why is there a rabbit standing in the
window, laughing and waving what looks like an empty carrot around?"

It took only a moment for Heero to put two and two together. It was coming
up four, since he was good at math. "Evidently the rabbit made the sandwich,
placing a large quantity of rat poison in it. That would explain why it
tastes salty." Heero grabbed the pepper shaker resting on the table, threw
some on the sandwich, then proceeded to take another bite. "That's better."

A strangling noise escaped from Selena as she spat out her food and began
shouting, "Ipecac! Ipecac!"

"I can't see that negating the salty taste," Heero said through a mouthful
of peanut butter and poison.

"I'm not putting it on the sandwich! I'm going to take it to throw up!"

"Why?"

She threw a chair at him. He caught it and placed it back on the ground.
Selena shouted, "What are you, stupid?! I've been poisoned! I need to purge
my stomach before it gets absorbed into my system and I die!"

Heero scoffed. Actually, he said in a flat voice that was intended to be a
scoffing tone, "Don't be silly, girl. That pitiful amount of rat poison
won't kill you. It won't even upset your stomach."

Sensing the seriousness in her father's tone, Selena stopped running around
in a panic. "And just what is that supposed to mean? Why wouldn't rat poison
affect me?"

"You have a tolerance to it. A very high one. Over the years, I've been
putting increasing amounts of poison in your food. I started it when you
were a baby, using only trace amounts in the beginning and slowly building
up to the present day. Right now you could probably eat a whole box and the
only negative side effect might be a case of the runs."

Her jaw nearly hit the ground. "Goddamnit! I can't believe you've been
feeding your only daughter rat poison at every meal, you !#$%^!"

Heero waved a warning finger in Selena's direction. "I never said I fed you
rat poison at every meal. Nothing could be farther from the truth."

Her father's sincere demeanor relaxed Selena ever so slightly. "You didn't?"

"Of course not. That would be absurd."

"Oh."

"Sometimes I used arsenic. Other times it was cyanide. Or curare, or a host
of others. That way you developed a well-rounded immunity to a variety of
lethal poisons someone might try to slip you."

"..."

"No need to thank me. You're my daughter, and I look out for you."

"Yeah, and I'll look out for you too... through the crosshairs of a scope,"
Selena growled.

"Remember to lead your target slightly if its in motion."

"Argh!" Selena pulled her braid again. "Why couldn't I have a father that
wasn't a complete nutcase, like Uncle Duo? He would have made a great
father."

"Duo your father? Now that would be a neat trick."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm afraid your 'Cool Uncle Duo,' is gay."

"He is?"

"He wrote a book called, 'Why Heterosexuality is Overrated'."

"It isn't?"

"No. I believe your mother will be more than happy to explain that one to
you. As to Duo..." Heero's eyes took on a distant glint. "I remember the
first time I learned the truth about him. It was during the war, and one of
the few times the other Gundam pilots and I were around each other at the
same time. I overheard Duo tell Quatre that they should go to his quarters
to 'Grease their guns and practice firing in the hole.' Well, it sounded
like a good thing to do to me, so after I was finished with adjusting the
sensors on the Zero, I went to Duo's quarters. It was there I discovered
that the 'guns' they had greased were only standard issue to the male of the
species, and the hole Duo was firing into was-"

"No details! No details!" Selena covered her ears and started race out of
the kitchen.

"Don't forget the rest of your sandwich."

She returned, grabbed the remaining half her father offered, took a bite,
made a face, threw some pepper on top of the peanut butter and poison
sandwich, then proceeded to devour the rest on the way back to her room.

Once Heero was finished with lunch, he assessed the situation. He was far
behind schedule, and it would be nearly impossible to catch up now. There
was no time to waste as he proceeded to initiate plan four. Upon returning
outside, he saw that the damage total to the garden was over sixty-five
percent. Now in addition to falling behind schedule, he was failing a
mission objective. That was an unacceptable situation. The matter had to be
resolved, and quickly.

It was time to eliminate some of the enemy's maneuverability. Heero grabbed
a shovel from the garage, and headed toward the garden. He would begin
filling in all of the holes he could find, systematically herding the rabbit
into a corner and effectively trapping him.

As Heero stepped between two mostly destroyed rows of peas and carrots, the
ground beneath his foot caved in. His foot only fell six inches, but it was
enough to cause the single sharpened stake that lay beneath the trap to
impale Heero's foot, breaking through the top of it by in inch.

"Impressive," Heero said casually as he watched the blood flow through the
piece of wood protruding from his appendage. He was getting soft. There was
a time when he would never have fallen for so obvious a trap.

Sighing, he fell onto his backside, removed the stake, and proceeded to bind
the wound.

While Heero was busily engaged in first aid, the rabbit initiated the second
part of its own plan and made its move. It burst up through a newly dug hole
on the opposite side of the lawn mower, spared a glance to make sure Heero
was distracted, then proceeded to go to work.

Heero had finished binding the wound when he heard a sound that was becoming
all too familiar: a rabbit's laugh. He turned and saw the creature staring
derisively at him, nibbling on a purloined head of cabbage. It placed the
cabbage on the ground, and contemptuously defecated on it.

Heero kept his cool. He didn't like cabbage anyway. Knowing with his foot
now injured, he could never hope to outrace the rabbit on his own, he
calculated the distance to the nearest hole from where the rabbit currently
was in contrast to how far the riding mower stood from it. No holes were
nearby, and the vermin was standing directly in line with the front of the
mower, near the fence with next to no maneuvering room. Yes. That would
work.

Biting down his pain and hobbling noticeably, Heero sprinted as quickly as
he could and jumped upon his rider mower. A quick turn of the key started it
up in under a second, the engine rumbling with the hundreds of horsepower it
held under the hood. The rabbit continued looking on, unimpressed. That
reaction wasn't a surprise to Heero; no normal riding mower, especially one
as massive as his, could outrace a rabbit, and undoubtedly the enemy knew
that. What it couldn't possibly realize was that Heero had installed a
macro-nitro-fuel injector of his own design underneath the hood. Opening up
to its fullest, the mower could maintain a speed of seventy miles an hour
for two minutes. The boost's primary purpose was for escape, although with
the way the front of the mower was heavily reinforced, it could be used as a
battering ram, capable of smashing in a hummer in a head on collision, and
not be the worse for wear.

Heero maintained a straight course in line with the rabbit, who remained
where he was, standing casually. No doubt it believed it had all the time in
the world to move out of the way, when in truth the only move it had left
would be to go from this world to the next.

Once the distance was closed to Heero's satisfaction, he hit the switch to
start the turbo boost. The instant the load roar came from the rear of the
vehicle, the rabbit bolted to the left. The move made Heero smirk. The
rabbit was out in the open. Running wouldn't be enough to evade death for
even a second, not with the amount of time Heero had to react. He spun the
steering wheel to the left.

The mower continued going straight, past the rabbit, and at full speed.

Even with Heero's nearly inhuman reaction time, he couldn't jump off quickly
enough. The mower plowed through the fence separating the Peacecrofts' yard
with the Flanders', smashing the barrier into toothpicks. Heero was barely
able to throw himself clear of the vehicle before it ended up in the shallow
pond that dominated the Flanders' backyard, impacting it with a tremendous
splash.

Ed Flanders placed the boxes of lily pads he had bought on the ground and
looked at Heero's prone form. "Hidey-ho, neighbor. Change your mind about
the scrabble game?"

"No," Heero grunted as he rose to his feet. There was a pain coming from his
arm.

"Looks like you've got a broken arm there, Mr. Peacecraft."

Heero stared at the limb. The ends of two bones were clearly defined under
the skin, coming close to breaking the surface. "Yes. It's a compound
fracture, I'd say." The remark was casual, as though Heero was merely
commenting on the weather being a tad on the humid side.

Flanders pointed at the riding mower. Only the top half remained partially
out of the pond. The rest was firmly entrenched in the mud at the bottom due
to the mower's tremendous weight. "Ordinarily, I'd complain about dumping
trash in my pond, but I think it looks kind of neat sunk halfway like that.
It almost looks like a real Gundam head blown off a mobile suit. I bet once
some algae grows on it, it'll be a great centerpiece to the pond and cute
little animals will make their home on it. Thanks for the contribution."

For almost the first time in his life, Heero gave a mournful look. One of
his few prides and joys was now reduced to a tasteless pond ornamentation,
and at the hands of a four legged beast. It was unacceptable. Not only had
the little vermin ruined Heero's mission for the day, but he had
continuously outmaneuvered him and destroyed one of the last remnants Heero
had of the joyful days of his youth.

There was only one course of action to take.

Selena was on the phone, talking to one of her friends, when she saw her
father return to their home. She placed her hand over the mouthpiece and
pointed to her father's arm. "Looks like it's broken. Want me to set it?"

"Why? It's only a compound fracture." Heero went about the task of resetting
his bones. It took him the better part of five minutes before he was
satisfied with the results.

"Took your time with that," Selena commented, once again placing her hand
over the phone.

"I'm having an off day," Heero offered in explanation. With the bones
properly set. He went downstairs to the basement, returning several minutes
later, bearing several items in hand.

Selena saw the objects he carried. "Want me to help you with that?"

"That's unnecessary. I can do it myself. It's good practice, using only one
arm."

"True." Selena went back to chatting with her friend. As she talked, she
watched with one eye as her father finished the last stages of his final
plan and returned to the backyard. She was only just starting to get fully
back to the conversation when she heard the front door open. The sounds of
footsteps headed directly to the kitchen.

Relena Peacecraft began speaking before she entered. "Heero, I just wanted
to thank you for that good advice this morning. Kneeing the English
Ambassador in the groin worked. He saw things my way almost instantly." Upon
actually arriving in the kitchen and only seeing her daughter, Relena said,
"Where's your father?"

Irritated at the interruption, Selena jerked her thumb in the direction of
the backyard. "He's out back getting ready to blow himself up."

"Again?!" Relena growled, her eyebrow twitching excessively. Even Selena
cringed away from her incensed mother as she stormed out of the kitchen
angry enough to make even the hounds of Hell run for cover.

The sounds of Relena stomping echoed throughout the yard as she threw open
the backdoor to the porch and looked around for her husband. Sure enough,
she spotted him next to the garden, gratuitous explosives strapped to his
body and detonator in hand. Her eyebrow was a blur, twitching as though it
had a mind of its own and had taken some amphetamines. "Damn it, Heero! How
many times do I have to tell you you're married now and not allowed to blow
yourself up?!"

Heero pursed his lips in obvious disappointment. "It has to die. It's
interfered in my mission and managed to escape from every other trap. This
is the only way to achieve my goal."

"What are you talking abo... MY GARDEN!"

Heero released his hold on the detonator and backed away towards the jagged
hole in the fence. It wasn't in fear of his wife's anger, he told himself,
it was because he liked standing near Flanders yard, since Ed could appear
at any time and they could engage in witty banter.

"What... happened?!" Relena got out through gritted teeth.

Heero explained all that had occurred that afternoon, pertaining to the
garden. He did it quickly, but not fast enough for it to be called blurting.
Blurting implied fear, and he was not afraid of his wife; he just had good
marital instincts and knew when to acquiesce to a far superior force.

A wild gleam entered Relena's eyes. "Oh yes. That rabbit has to be taken
care of. Lucky for it, I have such a pacifistic nature, or its fate would be
much, much worse. Isn't that right, Heero?"

"Yes, dear." It was odd how once he was married, his mouth would
automatically give that response at various times. The phrase came to him as
an instinct, every bit as natural as breathing.

"However it has destroyed my garden, and must pay for it. But clearly in
such a way that it doesn't go against my inherently pacifistic nature.
Right, Heero?"

"Yes, dear."

"Such a good husband, so supportive. Now, here's what I have in mind..."

Heero listened to the details of the plan. It was good. Very good. And,
very, very evil. For perhaps the first time in his life, Heero was very glad
his wife had a very pacifistic nature. There was no telling what kind of
misery and depredations she would have inflicted on the world had she been
more inclined towards violence. Even Heero had limits to how far he felt
wars should be fought.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The rabbit aroused itself from its sleep. The stupid humans had given up
trying to kill him for the night, though he had heard them moving around
above ground with what might have been heavy equipment, as though they were
trying to set another trap for him. It wouldn't do any good. He had been
trained by the best, and then learned more than them. It would be simplicity
itself to circumvent any trap the stupid humans had laid for him. He had
already laughed in their direction, humiliating them at every turn.
Hopefully he would get a chance to do it one more time before finishing off
their garden. He would only eat enough to ruin each plant as a sign of the
contempt he held for the two-legged simpletons.

He went to one of the secret holes he had next to the tree. It had one of
his topsoil trapdoors above it, hiding it from view from the above ground
world. Once he had his bearings, he would assess the situation, and turn the
tables on the stupid humans once again. Tormenting such an inferior species
was terrible fun.

The rabbit placed his paw above the disguised patch of ground and pushed up.
It didn't give in the slightest. Annoyed, he redoubled his efforts. Again
nothing happened. Thoroughly irritated, he went to a different hole located
near the fence. The same results ensued. He tried digging a new hole,
somewhere between a couple of shrubs. But as he dug upward, rather than
bursting through to daylight, he came into contact with something that was
altogether different.

Concrete.

That was cause for concern. Out of curiosity, the rabbit headed to the open
holes where the garden was. As he came upon them, he saw that concrete had
seeped down into the holes and solidified.

Devious humans. He hadn't thought them capable of taking such drastic
measures. A bit more ruthless than he had given them credit for, but he had
planned for such an eventuality, and had an escape route planned. He had
already been forced to use it once in diverting the flow of water from the
hose out of his underground warren and into the adjacent yard, but with the
flow of water stopped, it would be safe to use once more. After he had a
chance to properly assess the situation, he would plot his revenge on the
humans that had dared to thwart his schemes.

Traveling along the length of the tunnel, the rabbit saw the morning light
peeking from the opening. Excellent, they hadn't stumbled on it after all.
He went forward, poking his head through the opening...

...And had the twin barrels of a shotgun pointed into his face.

Heero gave the rabbit an approving look, which seemed odd, given the
circumstances. "An escape tunnel. Very smart. Just the sort of thing I'd
have planned, which is how I knew it was here."

The rabbit cursed his luck and tried to figure out how he might escape.

Heero kept a close eye on him. "Be thankful I found you first. You don't
want to know what my wife had planned for you. Let's just say it involved
Vaseline, hamsters, duct tape, and lots of explosives" Those muscles along
his back moved on their own again.

The rabbit's did the same. Sensing he was indeed caught, the he held up his
front paws and gave as disarming a smile as he could muster.

Heero cocked his head quizzically. "Surrender? Sorry, I was never quite able
to grasp that concept."

Before the rabbit could protest, Heero pulled the trigger.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Selena continued staring at the backyard. The whole thing was now completely
paved over. "So we're really going to put in a pool?"

"Yes," Heero said in confirmation as he put the finishing touches on their
breakfast, making certain it was laced with the appropriate amount of
arsenic.

The smile nearly stretched across Selena's entire face. "I've always wanted
a pool. Now I can swim when I want to, learn how to dive off a diving board,
get a decent tan-"

"-Practice underwater demolitions, SCUBA exercises, experience fighting in
foreign environments." Heero snatched the knife thrown at him out of
mid-air. "It'll be good training for you. And it means less yardwork for
me." The latter was a definite plus in his book. He completed making the
breakfast and turned the oven off. He placed part of the main course on the
plate and handed it to Selena.

The seven-year old looked at the food before her, completely bewildered.
"I'm not sure about this, since it's been so long since I've last seen it,
but is this fresh meat being served at our kitchen table?"

"Just like you asked."

Still unable to believe her eyes, Selena said, "Not to sound ungrateful, but
is rabbit something that's usually served  at breakfast?"

"It is now."

Seated next to her daughter, Relena said in a pleasant voice, "There is no
such thing as a free meal. You take food from me, you end up providing some
of your own, one way or another."

Great, Selena thought, her mother was turning more weird on her too. It
figured. In a neighborhood full of a bunch of weirdoes, her parents were the
biggest ones, right after the Flanders.

Tired of lamenting her fate. Selena shrugged and dug in. The rabbit tasted
wonderful, having been broiled to perfection and with just the right touch
of arsenic. Maybe her father wasn't the total putz she thought he was if he
was willing to listen to her and give her a little of what she wanted.
Perhaps she would become a less sarcastic child and try to understand her
father better, tightening the bonds between the two of them until they
became inseparable.

Nahhh. Things were fine the way they were now, and deep down inside, Selena
didn't want it any other way.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Not as satisfied as I thought I'd be with the ending, not that it's meant to
be a huge telling climax, not against a rabbit that doesn't appear until
half-way through the fic, but it'll do. Hopefully you enjoyed.

Congrats if you actually know who Yahoo Serious is (poor bastards)

Special thanks to:
Chris Horton
Dave Menard
Larry F
Kichigai
Jason Talley
Chan Wei Lik
Jason Talley














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