At Tuesday, November 13, 2001 6:39:36 PM, st08@SJNMA.ORG wrote:

Gah.  I hate these stupid "talks" before stories.  Feh.

  ???

******

The language in this is...not appropriate for most.  What I�m going for,
here, is realism in the dialogue of the characters, so I�m having my
characters talk the way I remember most people at my public high school
talking.  I�m interjecting crude insults and seemingly inappropriate
phrases, but it all goes to fit what I think of as a regular high school�s
routine dialogue.  If it offends you, well, don�t read it, I guess.  I�m
sorry if you�re that closed-minded to not read a story because of some
groupings of letters you term as "vulgar" or "indecent," but, hey, whatever
floats your boat, you know?  It�s not my place to judge.

  Eh.  No big deal, and it is much like what I remember from HS...
  which might not be a good thing.  See below.

[snip fic]

Tell me what you think, y�all.  That�s all I ever ask, really.

  Well.  From a technical standpoint, it's very good.  I didn't spot
  any obvious spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes, that sort of
  thing.  Formatting was a bit off in places (the letter especially)
  but not enough to cause me any confusion or difficulty -- and could
  have been a problem on my end, rather than yours.

  That said...

  This -could- have potential.  I say -could- because, well, frankly,
  it looks like you've taken the name 'Ranma', slapped it onto a
  thinly-veiled author avatar, and dumped the composite character down
  into a typical American high school.  That's not good.  In fact,
  it's rather annoying, after a fashion; I don't mind self-inserts
  (rather like some of them, in fact), but if this is one, you
  couldn't have picked a worse way to start it.

  If this isn't a self-insert, then you really need to make sure that
  the first chapter makes that point clear in some way.  To be honest,
  right now the only reason I'm intending to read the first chapter is
  because it -is- such a technically well-written fic, and you don't
  see too many of those.  That, and I'm curious to see if you can pull
  it off.

  Here's another thing: WHY is this a Ranma fic?  From the set-up,
  this could be ANY fic -- hell, it could be an original one, and if
  it was, wouldn't have caused such a bad reaction from me, at least,
  when read.  If there's some compelling reason to make it a Ranma
  fic, then that's okay... but I can't spot one yet.  Unless you
  intend to introduce the whole 'arranged marriage' thing, which, IMO,
  could be done even WITHOUT a Ranma character (c'mon, Soun -surely-
  had more than one friend way back when, no?) -- or, even better, pit
  one suitor against the other.

  What I guess I mean to say is, I like the execution, but the
  concept, at least so far, seems a bit contrived.  Yet it has enough
  potential that I'm interested despite myself.

  And the writing, as I've said, is quite good.

  Well, anyway. :/  I really would like to see the next chapter -- I
  just hope that what it -looks- like it's going to be, isn't.
  Y'know? :)

Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
Sofaspud's Couch - check your mallet at the door.
http://www.sofaspud.org

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