On Wed, 31 Oct 2001, Andrew wrote:

Ampersand Press Proudly Presents...
An Andohki Production...

(Characters are copyrighted by Viz Communications, TV Tokyo, and other such
anime entertainment production powerhouses and people.)

Ranma �: Nabiki in Love (Part I: A Passion For Clowns)

(The scene opens with Ranma, Akane, Kasumi, and Ukyou sitting around
the Nekohaten while waiting for their orders. Ranma is in his feminine
form.)

Ukyou (sighs): I can't believe this.

Ranma (looks up from his newspaper, _the Nermian Jewish times_): Can't
believe what?

Ukyou (twirling her chopsticks): Here we are, always finding ourselves
involved in crazy romantic plots by fanboys and girls who couldn't find a
date themselves if their lives depended on it. And yet, some character
that's only been involved in maybe fifteen episodes tops gets married in
less than a year without any sort of bloodshed.

Ranma (nods, as he put his paper down): Hey, give Gosunkurgi credit. He lost
75 kilos, bulked up his muscles, and found this really nice girl to settle
down with.

Ukyou (nodding): Too bad those American police are looking for her. (Shampoo
and Mousse comes to the table. Everyone bows.)

Shampoo: Shampoo sorry, but Great-Grandmother have having problems with the
Pu-Pu platters.

(A very reddish, blood-stained Mokona comes out and hops around a lot.)

Mokona: Puuu...

Mousse: On the bright side, that old ghoul won't be bothering us ever again.
(Everyone cheers, even Mokona who just so happens to be playing with the
head of Cologne.)

Shampoo: Would you like something else tonight?

Ranma: Hmm...how you whip up some spiced ramen, for old time sakes.

Shampoo: Sorry, Airen, Shampoo out of passion spice. (She turns to Mousse,
says something to him in Chinese.)

Mousse (nods, turns to the group): Sorry...Nabiki bought the whole thing.

Kasumi (sounding very surprised): Oh, my!

Akane: Can't you say anything else, Kasumi?

Kasumi (sounding not so surprised): Oh, my.

Ranma: Kasumi, you're not Mokona.

Mokona (popping out his wings): And what's wrong with me just saying, "Pu!"?
(Everyone else blinks and looks strangely at Mokona.) You were expecting
maybe James Earl Jones?

(The scene switches over to one of seeing Nabiki walking along a very
expensive looking street (the one where all of the houses are protected by
brick walls) carrying around a bag reading: Dangerous! Pure Passion Spice!
Must be diluted with Alcohol! Do not consume or injest without sake
present! Nabiki glances over at the audience.)

Nabiki (aside): Okay, I know what you're thinking. "Nabiki, what are you
doing carrying around an object that is nothing more than an overused plot
device?" Well, I'm going to have some fun. I'm going to try to use this to
get Kuno-babe to be so passionately in love with anyone other than Akane or
his 'Pigtail goddess' that he'll just simply explode with angst. (grins) And
then that'll be the end of the whole thing. Then I'll claim that I'm the
rightful inheirer of the Kuno estate, and I'll live on Easy street. (She
frowns slightly.) Too bad it's just two blocks from the corner of Rock and
Hard Place streets. (By this time, Nabiki is at the Kuno residence.)
Alright, let see if anyone is home. (She rings the electronic bell at the
front gate.)

Kodachi's voice: Moshi-Moshi?

Nabiki: Hello? Is this the Kuno estate?

Kodachi's voice: Is that what "Moshi-Moshi" means?

Nabiki: What, I thought you knew!

Kodachi's voice: Actually, I speak Welsh.

Nabiki: Um...what's a Japanese girl like you speaking Welsh for?

Kodachi's voice: Well, one of Charlette Church's back-up singers.

Nabiki: Right. Why would you be one of her back-up singers?

Kodachi's voice: For your information, my voice is not only used to annoy
people.

Nabiki (sighs): Could have fooled me, Kodachi. Anyway, this IS the Kuno
residence, ne?

Kodachi's voice: Yes, this is the Residence of Kuno. I am his daughter,
Kodachi Kuno. How may I help you?

Nabiki: I'm delivering a package to a Takewaki Kuno. Is he home right now?

Kodachi's voice: I'm sorry, but he's away on business.

Nabiki: Business? What kind of business would he be on?

(We switch over to a football field, the soccer kind, not the American
version. We see Kuno and Moroboro Ataru talking amongst themselves.)

Kuno (holding a yellow flag like it was a bokken): Well, sir, are you ready
for the game?

Ataru: Absolutely. China versus the United States for the German cup. Those
ladies are really good. Say, where's Taylor? (Kuno nudges over to the
sidelines.)

Kuno: Verily, I believe he is checking on the balls.

Ataru: Good. Wish me luck, these girls are really tough. (glances upward)
Are you ready?

(Lum floats out in mid-air holding up a set of numbers. 00-00.)

Lum: I'm ready, darling!

Ataru: Alright. (in English) Okay ladies, let's get out here, I'm starting
the match in five minutes! (Repeats it in Chinese.)

(We switch back over to the front gate of the Kuno residence, where a
disbelieving Nabiki has just been explained by Kodachi where Takewaki Kuno
is at this moment.)

Nabiki (frowning): You've got to be kidding.

Kodachi's voice: He says it keeps his mind off of his pig-tail goddess and
that wench sister of yours.

Nabiki: Hey, lay off Akane!

Kodachi's voice: I'm not taking about her, I'm talking about your other
sister, Kasumi. (Pictures fly out from a slot below the intercom. Nabiki
takes them and looks at them.)

Nabiki (looking very interested): Oh, my. (She tilts her head on one of the
pictures.) I had no idea that she and Sasuke were that flexible...

Kodachi's voice: Yes, apparently Ranma-sama's mother is quite the expert on
sexual intimacy and sex. She apparently prefers the S&M treatment.

Nabiki (nods as she looks at another picture, then starts to tilt her head):
I can see that. No wonder Genma is so afraid of her, even today. Wow. So,
since when did my sister fall in love with Kuno-babe's servant?

Kodachi's voice: The day after they threw Dr. Tofu down a manhole.

Nabiki: Ah, I had wondered where he went. I thought it was rather odd that
Kausmi claimed he'd left to work in Africa to study penguins. He's not even
an veternarian.

Kodachi's voice: Yes, but he did say to me after one check up that I'll
never have problems with tape worms ever again. Anyhow, that point is moot.
Do you have anything for my brother?

Nabiki (nodding, dropping the photos into the envelope): Yes, yes I do. I
have a bag of pure undiluted Passion Spice.

Kodachi's voice (hums a bit): Interesting. But, what are you doing carrying
around an object that is nothing more than an overused plot device?

Nabiki (grumbling): Because, I wanna mess with Kuno-babe's mind.

Kodachi's voice (sounding a lot more pleasant): That works for me. I'd be
honored if you stay for dinner.

Nabiki (bowing): Of course. (Aside) Can't be any worse than last night's
dinner Akane cooked for us.

(We flashback to last night's dinner. Akane looks proudly at the Tendous &
Saotomes as they dig into what looks like hunan beef. Suddenly everyone
stops eating. Akane looks concerned.)

Akane: What's wrong?

Genma: Um, it's this beef. It tastes kind of funny.

Akane: I bought some hunan-styled beef. (shaking her head confusedily) How
could it taste funny? (Ranma gives a piece of the beef to Akane to taste)
You're right it does taste funny. (She goes back into the kitchen and comes
back out holding the package it was in.) Hmm (squints, trying to read the
English lettering), "Cloned hunan beef."

Ranma: "Cloned hunan beef?"

Nabiki: Let me see that. (She looks at the package. She starts to
big-sweat.) Um, it really says, "Clowned human beef." (Everyone looks into
their bowl. Kasumi pulls out a round red nose and shows it to everyone.)

Kasumi: Oh, my. (Soun tries to speak, but all that comes out of his mouth is
a honking sound.)

(Flashback over. Nabiki watches as the gate slowly opens, sighing very
happily.)

Kodachi's voice: By the way, we're having hunan styled beef tonight. I'm
still trying to figure out what to do with the red noses. (Nabiki
face-faults.)

(We switch back to the Nekohaten. By this time, Kasumi, Ranma (female form),
Akane and Ukyou are sipping several bowls of some kind of soup. Shampoo
comes up.)

Shampoo: How Airen likes his "Chicken Soup for the Shoals?" (Ranma nods,
twice.)

Ranma: Interesting. Has, um, a distinctive taste to it. (Kasumi holds up her
fork, she points to the rubber sole in her soup.) Ha! Mine is a Nike!

Kasumi: Oh, my? (Akane growls.)

Akane: Onnechan, if you say 'Oh, my' one more time...

Kasumi (sneering and saying in a haughty tone): Oh, my. (Akane lunges for
Kasumi. Kasumi ducks out of the way, then pulls out a gun and shoots at
Akane. We hear a thud on the floor. Kasumi blows the smoke out of the gun's
barrel.) Oh. My. (Ranma and Ukyou look at each other, then at Akane's
lifeless body, and back to each other. Shampoo looks at Ranma. Mousse looks
at the dead Akane.)

Mousse (mumbling): Kasumi, you're going to have to clean up the mess you've
made.

Kasumi (brightly smiling, pulls out a mop from hammerspace): Oh, my! (She
starts to clean the floor.)

Ukyou (to Ranma): So, where should we get married?

Ranma (responding to Ukyou): How 'bout Las Vegas?

Shampoo (smiling): Can Shampoo be maid of honor?

Ranma: Sure. Do you think Ryouga could be our best man?

Ukyou: Depends on where he is right at the moment.

(We switch over to a movie theatre, where Ryouga is watching a movie along
with various movie executives, writing up notes as he's doing so.)

Executive 1: So, Mr. Hibiki, what do you think about the performance of the
fighters in "The One."? Especially our lead actor?

Ryouga: Well, his form and techniques are very good. The CGI special effects
make the effort look very natural. As an actor, through, he stinks. (The
executives cheer.)

Executive 2: Excellent! That means this movie will make a lot of money! (The
movie ends. The lights light up faintly for a bit. He turns to a red-haired
girl, who's holding Ryouga's left hand, and gouging on the extra-extra-large
sized buttered popcorn with her right hand.) Are you ready to give us your
critique of the next movie? (We see the girl's face. It's Lina Inverse.)

Lina: Sure. What's the title of this Movie?

Executive 1: "Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone."

Lina (sighing): There better be a lot of explosions in this movie, right
Ryouga-chan?

Ryouga (smiling at Lina): Right, Lina-san.

(Meanwhile at the back of the movie theatre, the ghost of Akane Tendou
scowls at the movie screen while eating some popcorn.)

Akane: Curse you Ranma, I'm going to make sure that 'P-chan' here doesn't
make it to your wedding! (She starts to laugh evilly, and everyone else
hushs her).

---------
Will the Ghost of Akane come back to haunt our heroes? Will Nabiki survive
Kodachi's cooking and the horrors of clowning? And what's up with Ryouga
dating the breastless one? Find out these and many other answers in Nabiki
in Love, Part II: "If Life is One Big Casino, What Am I doing on the Crap's
Table?"

(Overheard as the credits rolls)

Lina's voice: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!

Narrator's voice: Crap.

Lina's voice: Giga Wing! (Boom. One dead Narrator. Sigh, it's so hard to
find good voices these days.)



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