Hmm...

	I'm not sure what to say.  I think that you've got the making of 
a good writer - your sentences and word choices work rather well.  I 
think that you might want to reserve the swearing for the dialogue.  I'm 
not saying that teens don't pepper their speech with such expletives, 
but when thinking or writing?

	On the other hand, I think that you don't need a lot of this 
chapter.  It seems to me to be a thinly disguised treatise on how your 
universe is different from the cannon.  Now, it is important to let the 
reader know some of that, but it doesn't have to be all up front, and it 
shouldn't be told like that.  Starting with the letter might be a good 
idea, and it can have some more of the background in it.  A brief 
discussion between Ranma and Rei can establish that her mother is dead, 
as well as the location and the siblings' proficiency in the Japanese 
language and cultures.  Much of the rest of the installment is 
irrelevant and is just clutter.

	On a stylistic point, you might want to reconsider presenting 
the story as a tale told by Ranma.  It can be difficult to characterize 
others well, as you have to show what they really are like while 
describing them through Ranma's biases.  That isn't to say that you 
shouldn't do it, but put some thought into the viewpoint and be ready to 
make extra effort if you choose to keep it.

	Finally, as this stands, the story bears little resemblance to a 
story about Ranma.  He's arrogant and good at physical activity (perhaps 
even martial arts) but not only is he not the Ranma we know, he is very, 
very different, and the situation he will be in is very different from 
cannon.  Now, that isn't necessarily a bad thing.  However, you need to 
make the story appeal to people who read fanfiction; they aren't 
interested in a new character in Ranma clothes.  Many of the stories 
with a vastly changed Ranma are actually stories about another of the 
characters in the Manga, making the changes to Ranma, as a secondary 
character, less important.

	One way of maintaining the similarity is to start the story off 
very similarly to the manga.  I have to admit, however, that I don't 
look forward to reading the same situation over and over again, so it is 
a tough call.  Furthermore, it appears that Ranma is the protagonist 
(and while it is possible to write a story about a protagonist from a 
third party's perspective, it is rarely done well) and merely aping the 
initial situation of the manga with a new character does not a Ranma-fic 
make.  Anyway, it seems you've got a spark of something, so fan it up 
into a blaze!  Write more and show us why it is a piece of Ranma 
fanfiction.

Matt

                              ("`-''-/").___..--''"`-._
      Bastet's Chosen          `6_ 6  )   `-.  (     ).`-.__.`)
mal@bulldog.georgetown.edu     (_Y_.)'  ._   )  `._ `. ``-..-'
                             _..`--'_..-_/  /--'_.' ,'
                           (il).-''  (li).'  ((!.-'

Beware of organizations that proclaim their devotion to the light 
without embracing, bowing to the dark; for when they idealize half the 
world they must devalue the rest.
                           -Miriam Simos


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