Brad Angell wrote:
But an effective story as it stands. Congrats!
Thanks! You're a great C&C'er, morso than some. You stated the good and
the bad, and gave helpful pointers and suggestions. It's so much nicer
than those that may give some C&C, but in a negative way. The world has
got too much negativity as it is, no real sense in spreading it around.
Sorry if you didn't see any of my other previous points as vaild, or
constructive, etc., but I did read the original version of your fic
on ff.net, which was even more of a character bash than the existing
version (Ukyou prefering Ranma as a girl, etc.)
Hopefully this will establish that you can be a better writer if you
don't just set out to assasinate a character (with apologies to Mr.
Sommer and his excellent 'Painegloss'):
All that I Was
Disclaimer: The paints belong to Takahashi, I'm using them on my own
easel.
Notes: Written in about thirty minutes, pre-read by Andrew Norris, enjoy.
--------------------------------------------------
I can't remember where it began, really... I mean, I guess if I were
to look back far enough, I could say, "Oh it all happened back on
the day that," or, "It all started when Pops..."
But that doesn't really help, and it sure as hell don't make me feel
better.
The important part was after Akane and I almost got married.
Almost. I've got to wonder, though... After the attempted wedding, I
was mad at Ukyou and Shampoo... and Kodachi, and... hell, I was just
pissed in general, though I guess I might be more mad about it now
than I was then.
But none of them wanted me mad, I guess. Kodachi just stayed away,
which suited me fine, at the time. She admitted that she knew I
didn't like her, once, and I guess that stuck.
Shampoo... well, I never saw her again, just the old ghoul, and she
said that she was sorry, and thought that her great-granddaughter
should have been more responsible, and known better and a bunch of
other stuff like that. I was glad at the time, but I felt a little
sorry for her later... but then, things were getting confusing on
their own without more help from anyone else.
I guess the big problem was when Ukyou showed up. She was polite, and
sorry, but real tough, and insisted that she needed to talk to my
mom, not me.
And she did.
I don't really know what they talked about, but in the end, Mom
decided that Ukyou's agreement was more valid, 'cause we'd already
taken her dowry. Pops said that it wasn't valid, 'cause she had
gambled away the dowry before the agreement was made.
She said that it was valid, because her father made the agreement in
good faith, and didn't know that it had been gambled off. Mom didn't
care to argue it either way -- she just said that I was going to
marry Ukyou, and that was that.
We didn't have a place to say, and old man Tendo wasn't too happy
about what had happened, so Mom and Pops stayed in a small hotel
while the house was being rebuilt -- thanks to a donation from
Ukyou's dad, apparently -- and I stayed with her.
I was mad at first -- really mad... but what could I do? Mom made up
her mind -- I had to marry Ukyou.
So I did.
I didn't see Akane much after moving in with Ukyou, and I didn't see
her at all after we moved into the new place, but I wonder how she's
doing, a lot.
Ryouga and me run into each other from time to time when I'm on
training trips, and he says he's seen her once or twice, and she's
doing okay. College, or something -- he wasn't too sure. Pig-boy
married Akari, of course.
He's a pretty lousy martial artist -- those days of taking care of
pigs must have taken a lot out of him. I keep telling him he should
come with me on my next training trip, get him back into shape.
Eh. Anyway, I guess I'm getting sidetracked. So Ukyou and I got
married after we moved into the new place with Mom and Pops, and
stuff was okay for a while.
I mean, Mom seemed to get along just great with Ukyou, though I guess
she didn't know about Ukyou dressing as a boy... Aside from that,
Mom just loves her, though. And the kids.
The kids are great, and Mom was thrilled when she got them -- both of
them. Makoto's the oldest, and she wants to grow up to be just like
her mom. Then there's Kintaro, and I'm more than a little proud of
him, but I try and keep Pops away from the kid -- I'll train him
myself; don't need his help. But I just can't be around her and the
kids for too long without needing to be on another training trip...
We got along okay, at first, and then better once we got used to the
whole thing -- Ukyou threw herself into the marriage as much as she
could. Problem was, far as I can tell, she cares more about the
marriage than me. Or herself.
I guess I was okay with that at first, but it seems kinda funny, and
the more I thought about it, the more I had to wonder if she wanted
me because she wanted me, of if she just wanted me because she
wanted the relationship.
I dunno, really... I mean, at first, it was okay... but she wasn't as
into that, as much as just worrying about how other people saw
things. Mom seems to think that's normal, though.
Pops just started talking about training trips whenever I mentioned
it to him, and after a while I got the hint.
Training trips take up a lot of my time, now. I want to get better at
the Art, though there ain't many people near as good as me anyway.
At first, it was just a week to get my bearings -- me and Pop out
near Ryugenzawa for some speed training.
Things were great when we got back, Ukyou missed me, we got together
and things were happy... but it didn't last long. I couldn't sit
around training idiots to use the Art when I kept wondering, if it
were me or just the whole honor thing. And I can't talk to Mom about
it, 'cause she'll just say that honor's the important thing, and
that's the end of it.
Pops just says throw myself into the Art, or go on another training
trip, so that's what I do. I found out a real easy way to make money
when I wasn't teaching, since there's always tournaments around
somewhere, and they make decent money if you win, and okay money if
you just come close. 'Course, I mostly always win, the first time
around.
And I always win the rematches.
Sometimes when I'm fighting, though, I get to thinking about the
other guys, and the way they always sulk with their friends, or
their girlfriends, or whatever, and gripe about things -- after I
beat them -- and I wonder what it'd be like to have my own family
with me.
I only ever got Pops to go with me to one tournament, and he wasn't
so proud as I would have thought he'd be. He was unhappy, but he
didn't yell at me, and we both know it's a damn sight better than
thievery, but he doesn't approve of using the Art to make money that
way.
What an idiot. He's doing the same thing when he's teaching the Art
in the dojo.
Anyway. The trips. Yeah, I'm kind of rambling here... so I'd start
taking longer trips, and more often, and so on. I ain't running
away, just rethinking things... and I gotta refine the Art, of
course. That's what it's all about.
Martial arts.
That's all that I am, and all that I was...
--------------------------------------------------
Author's Notes:
Note the distinctive lack of character bashing in this one, while
preserving the same basic premise. If this isn't constructive
criticism, I don't know what is.
Anyway, thanks again!
Brad
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to
a kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://members.tripod.com/lwf58/fan_fiction/durandall/index.html
--
Haiku of my lament:
Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.
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