Ah, a sequel to "Ukyou Can Cook!"  ;)

(The story by Susan Doenime, not the anime episode.)

> FAIR WARNING: The following fic could be termed angsty, as
> well as being an alternate universe fic(meaning, the future
> is different that different than would normally be envisioned).
> Oh, and it's also a parody of type of fic, and one specific
> fic in particular.

IMO, you don't really need this.  No fics which are set
after Vol 38 of the manga need be labeled "alternate universe",
as they _could_ happen.  Also, this isn't really a parody
of anything; this is a fairly serious examination of one
possible outcome.

Good point! I 'll change this. I just wanted to kinda let people know what kind of fic they were expecting, because I usually like a little warning if I'm gonna read a dark or very angsty fic, something not the norm.

>      Oh yeah, I'm 30 and married now, so I suppose I should
> tell ya how I got to this point in my life.
<clip>
>      Wait, you already know that part, about how I was
> engaged to Akane...

I'd recommend thinking about some way to get rid of this,
and just cutting to the post-Vol-38 events.  For instance,

  "It started shortly after the failed marriage attempt...

Hmmm, I'll think about this. You're probably right, and there could be a better way to put it, but it escapes me at the moment.

> friend, but she had changed. I couldn't spend five minutes
> with her, without some mention of how she was the `cute
> fiancee', or how perfect a wife she would be for me, etc.

Ranma's thoughts here go beyond what we readers know to
be true; Ukyou could and did "spend five minutes" without
this.  Should we take this as saying something about
Ranma?  It's not clear to me.

Ranma's POV. Whenever they were together, Ukyo tended to hang on to him, or fawn over him, or get him to move in. There were a couple of exceptions (Ema horse and Occhan spatula), but I gotta figure from Ranma's POV he realizes she's not acting like the person from his memories, a friend, yet more like the fiancee she's trying to be.

<clip> I felt real bad, `cause it seemed I lost
> the friend I knew.

Again, Ranma hardly behaves like he feels this way in
the manga.  Is this afterthoughts by 30-year-old Ranma?
That's the logical deduction, but...

This is Ranma, remembering how he felt back then. Looking at it now, it does seem confusing. I'll see if I can clean that up. Thanks for the heads up! :)

>      I stormed into the Nekohanten and told Cologne I'd
> never marry her great-grandaughter, and she bopped me on
> the head and told me to `respect my elders'. Then I told
> her to either take Shampoo and go, or else.
>
>      She chose, `or else', and challenged me to a final
> fight. If I lost, I would marry Shampoo. If I won, they'd
> leave.
>
>      To make a long story short, I won.

I suppose you think of this as necessary backstory, a la
Lawson's "Thy Inward Love", but:  post-Vol 38, it's difficult
to see why Ranma would hold Cologne responsible for Shampoo's
actions at the wedding. It's also hard to see why he would
assume that they'd WANT to go home upon giving up on him,
or that he'd have any right to insist that they do so. Fics
which use these premises (and I won't deny that I have
enjoyed several such very much) usually take the time to
EXPLAIN these points; to have Cologne tell Ranma that she
1) hates living in Japan, and 2) would leave, taking Shampoo
with her, if they "finally" lost Ranma (whatever that means).
[In canon, it's actually easier to defend the position that
Cologne wouldn't move back home under any conditions.  She
does watch a lot of TV, for instance.]

Like I say a little later, I feel Ranma's a little more tense then usual, given that Akane nearly died twice recently, and along comes the wedding fiasco and explosives. I think he's feeling a bit more protective about her, and maybe wanting to do something about it. For Ranma, it's much easier to tell Cologne he's not marrying Shampoo and to take her home, then it is to tell Shampoo (we all know how he is around women). And then it's natural from Ranma to try and settle matters with a fight, since that's the way his brain works. Anywho, these are just my thoughts, feel free to pick them apart.

In your story, however, getting rid of the Joketsuzoku
actually complicates your backstory; they could be cleared
of complicity in Akane's disappearance far more easily if
they're still around.  Suggest, instead, that Akane disappears
WHILE Ranma is trying to have such a confrontation, and
that Cologne talks him out of any fight.  This is, of course,
unless Cologne and Shampoo actually were responsible.  If
they were, however, Ranma's stated inaction is hard to
explain.

Hmmm, good idea. I figured if they were gone and Shampoo had no more claim on Ranma, then they'd be less likely to be considered suspects. While Cologne and Shampoo are still around, Ranma would be more suspicious that they had something to do with it. They'd hold it over him to get him married to Shampoo. At least, that's my thinking...

> something else happened, Akane disappeared.
>
>      Her friends said she left school one day, and she
> never made it home. Me an' the families searched all over
> for her and Nabiki pulled in all her connections and favors,
> but we didn't find any sign of her.  No one seemed to
> know what happened to her.

You spend NO time on Ranma's efforts to determine whether
Shampoo or Kodachi could be responsible, or doing any of
the other things he'd probably do, clear through Susan D's
"Quixote".  Granted, in this fic you don't want to spend
very much time on such side issues, but you have to realize:
your readers have read a LOT of variations on events to this
point, and they're going to be scratching their heads at
this point, rather than with you.  Suggest adding:

    "All the usual suspects had clean alibis, to my surprise;
nobody saw any foreign princes or martial artists around;
neither Cologne nor Happosai had any clues at all."

at a minimum.

I like your line! Thanks! The only other thing, is that the Amazons were gone by this point and they would most likely drop hints towards Ranma. But Kodachi would be a possibility.

>
>      After a month or so, Pops and Tendo-san tried to pair
> me up with either Nabiki or Kasumi, but I wouldn't hear of
> it. My engagement to Nabiki was not somethin' I wanted ta
> repeat, and Kasumi was too nice and
<clip>
> I wanted to make sure he wouldn't be able to follow me for
> at least a couple of months.

More plausibility:  I'd really suggest more time here; at
least a year.  Problem:  what's Ranma doing during that year?
Answer:  exhausting himself looking for Akane.

Yeah, looking back now, a month wasn't very long. I'd think a year would be a bit long before the fathers try to engage Ranma again, so maybe 6 months?

>                      so I moved in with Ucchan instead, who
> had moved back a day or so ago. She never did say where she
> went.

This, OTOH, needs work, IMO, from a characterization and
plausibility standpoint.  First, "and Mom's house still wasn't
rebuilt," needs to be added, just to catch that option.

Point. I'll do that.

Second, phrasing things like this just _screams_ to the
reader, at least, that Ukyou is suspect number one.  And
Ranma isn't so dense that now, at thirty, he wouldn't realize
that if he can verbalize it like this (it's also true that,
at thirty, with children, he wouldn't necessarily do
anything about it).

At 17 or so, Ranma doesn't really think bad things about Ukyo, or that she could be capable of doing anything real nasty to Akane. He still sees her as a childhood friend, and maybe a little uncomfortable from time to time, with her advances toward him. Maybe as he matures he might suspect, but without proof, he wouldn't give it much thought or believe it. Again, my thoughts.

Even so, at the time Ranma should have (and would have, IMO)
put some effort into ascertaining Ukyou's whereabouts during
the disappearance.  Regardless of whether your intent is for
Ukyou to be guilty, she DOES need an alibi.

I'll look into this, as it is a valid point. I'll say one thing, I'm learning a lot! Arigato nasai!

> probably try ta stop me. We wandered around Japan, sellin'
> okonomiyaki to people, while I looked for any sign of
> Akane. I showed her picture and talked to lots of folks,
> but nobody remembered seein' her.

Might be worthwhile to say something about why Ranma didn't
try to stay in touch with Nabiki, from an info-gathering
standpoint.  He'd tried, early-on, and she'd just sold
Ranma's whereabouts to Genma, for instance.  Of course,
you'd need to explain get into Nabiki's attitude towards
getting engaged to Ranma.  Still adamantly opposed?
Then why wouldn't she be looking for Akane herself?

Another good point. Maybe Ranma didn't think of it? He's always tried to do things by himself, unless someone else has insisted on helping him. Nabiki may be trying to find Akane too, but the two may not necessarily work together.

> martial arts, they were a huge part of my life. So, whenever
> I found a nice dojo and sensei to train under, Ucchan would
> tell me that we didn't need it.
<clip>
>      This happened several times, and at one point, I
> attempted to put my foot down and tell her that we were going
> to stay at one. That's when she began to cry and complain
> that I didn't love her, and that I was only using her.

  This is, of course, the real core decision of your backstory
(actually, your story, as you don't have any present-tense
story).

From a strict, canonical, plausibility standpoint, my own
opinion is more that the two would break up here than that
Ranma would still be as manipulable by women crying.  But
that's not your story.  Your story is built around Ranma
deciding to stay, and convincing us that he did.

Suggest, here, instead of telling us about 'what happened,
several times', you describe one such incident in detail,
i.e. have Ranma relive it.  That's a much better way to
convince us that Ranma _did_ make this decision, and why.

Gotcha, I think I understand. when I write, I know what the characters are thinking in my head and their motivations, but sometimes that doesn't make it down onto the page in good enough detail. I love C&C!

>      Oh yeah, we do have a family now, two girls. They're
> at home, while we're roamin' around with the yatai. We
> take these trips every other month or so,
<clip>
>      But where was I? Oh yeah, we had a few kids, though I
> was the one raisin' 'em. Whenever we were at home, Ucchan
> insisted I should be the `mother' of the household, since
> she was earning the income ta support us.

Perfectly canonical, given an Ukyou victory this overwhelming.
Again, though, suggest a flashback to the scene of one
such confrontation; convince us that Ranma would back down.
Make us feel it, deep down, including the loss he felt,
and why he did it.

Again, another good point. I'll learn yet! Hopefully... ^_^

> as a woman. I haven't been a man for a long time. The only
> times I can remember, are when Ucchan's in a mood to show
> off her husband.

There is a suggestion here, which I suspect you don't want,
as it counteracts the effect you're trying for (and achieving,
IMO), that the marital relations are same-sex.  Suggest
you rephrase to eliminate any such suggestion, and leave
the subject of the couple's marital relations out
altogether.

Yeah, and I took some of it out already on a previous read-through, though maybe I should have taken it all out.

> "It is... good to see you again."
>
>      I notice Ryoga tense up a bit. Most people would miss
> it, but I've been trained since birth to read people. That
> same sense tells me Ucchan is a bit on edge.
<clip>
>     "Ya mind if I take a break to talk with Ryoga a bit?" I
> ask my wife.
>
>      Ucchan doesn't respond right away; she's currently
> locked gazes with Ryoga. She breaks it and gives me a smile
> that doesn't quite reach her eyes.

You raise matters here that you never resolve.  Unless you
really want to do a sequel, I'd reconsider.  In fact, I'm
not sure what your intent is, which suggests you might want
to consider rephrasing.  Possible interpretations:

Heh, it's because I didn't really know what my intent was a the time. Naturally, it comes through in my writing. Argh! :)

I'll take your suggestions under advisement.

>     "Go get him, Ranchan!" my wife calls from the sidelines.

You _might_ want to consider any of several changes here,
depending on exactly what you were aiming at above:

1) Ranma slips:  "my hus... WIFE! calls from the sidelines."

2) Or eliminate; Ukyou-as-alpha-male wouldn't simply watch
his wife Ranma fight another male.

Up above? I thought Ukyo just wanted to see her Ranchan beat Ryoga. given the scene of unpleasaness earlier, she just might have reason to see Ryoga get beat...

>     "It's okay, Ranchan," Ukyo tells me. "Ryoga's always
> been a bully. It doesn't matter that you lost; winning
> or losing doesn't mean anything. You still have me, and
> the kids, the yatai and the restaurant.  What more could
> you want?"

I'd recommend considering ending your story right here;
the next few paragraphs don't add very much.  They just
reiterate what you should have already convinced your
readers of.

>      My name is Ranma Saotome, and I... I used to be a
> martial artist...

This line, though, is good...
Actually, you might want to _start_ with this line.

I had a hard time figuring out how to end this, too. I had an idea of using this last line, and the line that began the fic, to show the transition of Ranma's loss if his sense of identity. I went through many rewrites before getting to this one, though it still seems a little out of place. Anybody else wanna shed some thought on this?

>
> Author's notes:

IMO, you don't need most of this.  The story stands on its
own.

True, but after posting to ff.net, I got a lot of questions, which I attempted to explain here. Rather than answer e-mail after e-mail, I thought I'd try and sort out some of my thoughts here. Didn't entirely know if I succeeded, though.

>
> Now, notes about a possible sequel to this:
>
> I've been thinking about it, and have some ideas plotted.
> Is it fine the way it is?

My two cents' is that you should aim at this being a
standalone piece, regardless of whether you write a sequel.
And no particular need for a happier ending, I think;
this is effective as is.

If i do a sequel (and it's looking more and more likely), it won't be happier by much. Rather, it will expand on what I've written, answer questions, and maybe give other's viewpoints on feelings on the whole affair. Plus, it will be more rooted in the present.

If I can pull it off...

Also, you have some lingering ambiguities, some of
which I think you should clear up.  Either eliminate
Ryouga's tension or commit to a sequel;

Probably go the sequel route.

eliminate
unintentional references to same-sex relations,
try a bit harder early on to convince us that Ranma
suspected foul play and reluctantly cleared everyone.

Will do!

But an effective story as it stands.  Congrats!

Thanks! You're a great C&C'er, morso than some. You stated the good and the bad, and gave helpful pointers and suggestions. It's so much nicer than those that may give some C&C, but in a negative way. The world has got too much negativity as it is, no real sense in spreading it around.

Anyway, thanks again!
Brad

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