Brian Randall wrote:

Nicholas Leifker wrote:

Leifker presents

One Man's Heaven...

He couldn't help himself, to be honest.  The three gaijin women who ran
the joint simply exuded power; to feel those perfect breasts would keep
him charged up for months, maybe years.  Then, of course, there were
those divine panties... even the little one's underwear would feel
heavenly as he mashed his face against its cotton, and the older two
would have panties capable of sending him bliss like he'd never known.

        Sending him bliss, or sending him into bliss?

Probably should be 'sending him into bliss'.  This is a case where I
kept it as is, to see if it would work.  

With such a perfect target, he could not refuse.  They had to feel his
touch; he had to know their underwear.

        Heh.

The first room he came to had some sort of robot in it; he smiled at the
thought of some robot guard posing any sort of threat to him... that
was, until said robot pulled out a flamethrower.  Only a Happodaikarin
saved him from the fast-moving robot; that guard destroyed, he moved to
the drawer.

        Repetition of 'robot'. Machine, sentry, etc. (?)

(nod)

The aura he felt in there was indescribable. Here he was, squeezed tight
in a box filled with panties - almost heaven.  He tossed the kid's panty
from his gi and started stuffing silk down his gi, stuffing them full.

        Repetition, 'gi'.

(nod)  This is what usually comes from a first draft.  

        Sagging? I'da think that she'd be a mite annoyed to hear that...

Yes... however, she is a bit older than Belldandy.  Also, since she is
the 'crone', so to speak...

Time stopped as he found himself glomping the most perfect breasts he'd
ever felt.  Fully developed, but no sag at all; he'd never felt a woman
at such a perfect age.  And - my God! - the aura she exuded.... he
didn't care about the past or the future.  All that mattered was the
present.

        The shift from third person to first is just a taaad jarring -- why
not just 'Gods'! or 'by God!' instead? Then again, probably just me
being nitpicky, and I can be ignored freely!

Well, it's been good critiquing, even if I do prefer it as is in this
case.

It had been a long time since he'd woken up with a headache like this.
He never had hangovers, and nobody ever beat him up so badly that he'd
have such agony.  This time, it stabbed at his temples, making him
almost wish that he'd never taken up his proclivities.

        this -- that (?) Not sure...

I think it's right in this case...

        Heh. ALMOST...

Almost.  ^_^

His host, a young man with spiky light-brown hair, smiled.  "You're in
Japoness, near the outskirts of the city."  He pointed at himself.
"My name's Otaru, by the way.  What's yours?"

        I wonder if Happosai could get into orbit...

(grin)

A scream pealed across the surface of Terra II, echoing around the
planet several times before dissipating.  Most dismissed it as a freak
of the atmosphere; still, the despairing terror of the wail sent many
across the planet into a dark mood.  Surely hell had come to claim its
own, they said...

        Heh!

        Aside from a bit of repetition of 'panties' that was just about
perfect. And given who the storie's about, that's probably to be
expected. ;)

That actually was a problem - Happi got into my head while writing
this.  Happi has a one-track mind, and it's fairly obvious where that
track's headed.  In cases like this, it's hard NOT to say 'panties'
every fourth word.  

Only an hour late... this was intended as a sort of Halloween 'fic.
Hope y'all enjoyed it...

        An hour early, here.

        Saber Marionettes is...

        Copyright 1996 Satoru Akahori/Hiroshi Negishi/Tsukasa
Kotobuki/Kadokawa Shoten/Bandai Visual/Sotsu Agency/TV Tokyo.

        The individual behind the concept is just Satoru Akahori, and I think
that's what you were probably looking for.

        As an aside, nice to see you writing again. :)

Thanks.  Also, thanks for the excellent C&C.

-- Nick
	     .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'