All C&C to be taken with a grain of salt; ignore as it pleases you.

All-Purpose Jusenkyo Girl Nuku-Nuku

Chapter 3 - Old acquaintances, gratuitous female appearances and Happi
nowhere in sight!

Jumping over the gate into the front yard of Furinkan, Nuku Nuku calmly
landed on her feet, showing no sign of weariness from the running she
did to school. Smiling as she breathed in the warm, fresh air, the
catgirl turned around to see if either Ranma or Akane were near. 'I
wonder why they don't want to run,' she thought. 'Especially when the
weather's this good!'

    clean up grammar: "from running to school"

Filing that as another one of those things that only humans would do,
Nuku Nuku went on to think of more important things. Like whether or
not Kasumi made fish for lunch.

    first sentence is a bit confusing.  It almost sounds like she's saying
'running to school' is something only humans would do.  Possible change is
"Filing that away as one of those impossible to understand human quirks,
she".

Before she was able to start drooling over the delicious thought of
fried fish mixed with steaming rice, Nuku Nuku heard footsteps as
someone walked up to her. Thinking it was Ranma, she turned to face the
newcomer.

Instead, the catgirl came face-to-face with a brown-haired girl of
medium height looking somberly back at her. Her aura seemed to show
such dark despair that even the most cheerful of people would instantly
become unhappy once within.

    This sounds more like Gosunkugi than Mio to me.  Mio was a normal girl
with the occult as a hobby, IIRC.  She was attractive and had a sunny
disposition, except when she was _trying_ to be mysterious.  While she
enjoyed doing Tarot readings, her predictions really didn't work out, and
she never expected them to.  In the ep where she had a major role, she only
thought her readings were coming true because similar things happened by
coincidence.  Up until that happened, she didn't really believe in it, and
later swore off the Tarot because it stopped being a game in her mind.  Gos,
on the other hand, was a lot more serious about it, and did have a depressed
air about him.

"And then, an image formed in my head. Upon sight it brought a fear to
my heart that I never felt before. One whose features were so
terrifying that I immediately woke up and frantically drew a picture of
what my mind beheld, lest I end up forgetting how it looks, thus
ensuring our end." Taking out a piece of paper from her schoolbag, Mio
handed it over to the catgirl. "This is what I drew."

    "Upon sight, it"

"WHAT?!" Nuku Nuku was aghast, taking a step back to recoil in shock.
She had no idea what the psychic meant, but now that the figure in the
picture had a name, it _must_ be something bad. The catgirl knew what
she must do and leapt over the wall in frantic search of Ranma and
Akane. If anything, they'll tell her what to do when a laughing hyena
on top of a ten foot-tall dinosaur attacked.

    "must do, and"

    "of Ranma and Akane.  They would tell her"

Walking casually on the fence towards school, Ranma wondered, not for
the first time, whether or not Akane was ignoring him on purpose.
'Geez, just because I said that Nuku's Chinese dresses weren't the
right size for her... Ah, well. I'm guessing she's one of those people
whose mood changes rapidly.'

    "Jeez"  -- it's a corruption of the name "Jesus".

The pink-haired girl shook her head, saying, "That not what Nuku Nuku
mean." Seeing she got Akane's interest, Nuku Nuku said, "Think that
laughing hyena _on top_ of ten-foot tall dinosaur is after me."

    This sounds more like Shampoo speaking.  If you're trying to make her
sound breathless, I suggest using ellipses: "That's... not what Nuku
Nuku... means..."

Both eyebrows giving off a noticeable twitch, the raven-haired girl
walked away from the other two, not caring if they follow her or not.
She wondered if she was the only normal one around. It seemed that way
lately, especially with Nuku Nuku's absurd belief. 'Besides, it would
make so much more sense if it was a ten-feet tall dinosaur riding a
laughing hyen--' Akane slapped herself a few times, not wanting to
continue that thought.

    how do eyebrows give off a twitch?  Suggest "Both eyebrows twitching
noticeably"

    watch your tenses: "if they followed"

"Are you okay, Akane?" asked a concerned voice from behind.

She jumped up in shock, eyes wide, turning around right away to see if
anyone knew what she was thinking of. Seeing it was the two from
before, Akane said, straightening herself up to try and look as normal
as possible, "Umm, yeah. I'm fine. Might as well walk with you two to
school." She didn't want to be caught off guard like that again.

    "the two from before" is rather vague.  While I think she's referring to
Ranma and Nuku, I don't know for sure.

Nearing Furinkan, she took note on how quiet it was. Ever since Shampoo
and her friends gave the boys an ultimatum - fight them and get
instantly turned into a girl - the morning fights stopped. 'With the
weapons those Amazons have, I can see why. Though Kuno's trying to
attack Ranma to try and 'free his loves'... Idiot.' Akane shook her
head. In the end, Kuno was still Kuno.

    a dash is a double-length hyphen, and is made like this: --  Use regular
hyphens only for connecting words, such as "see-through", or for compound
names.  If you are setting off a clause in the middle of a sentence, like
you've done here, use dashes.

Ranma immediately stiffened, becoming as rigid as a board. Once the
initial shock set in, his muscles unclenched, allowing the pigtailed
boy to regain control of his motor functions. Sweating profusely, Ranma
looked around in an attempt to locate the course of the voice. "Oh,
man, I can't believe she found me!"

    did you mean to say "once the initial shock had passed"?

"You don't like this girl very much, do you, Saotome?" Nabiki
deadpanned, making a mental note to try and find out as much as she
could about someone that made Saotome nervous. Aside from the Amazons,
that is, but they were after Ranma's manly bod-- Hey! Maybe that was
what's been going on now?

    this last sentence is confusing.  Please reword.

A chilling laugh interrupted Nabiki's train of thought, making her
wince involuntarily. "Ohohohohoho!"

    Naga?  Kodachi?  Santa Claus?

"That laugh! What is my sister doing here?! Saotome, you cur! How dare
you ensnare my sister!" Kuno, who had appeared seemingly out of
nowhere, grabbed the cringing martial artist and yelled at him.

    Hmm.  In the original, of course, Kuno was only too happy to see that
Kodachi was interested in Ranma.  Not only would taking up with her get
Ranma out of the running with Akane, but he hoped that having an outside
interest would keep Kodachi from making his life quite as miserable.

Relaxing after a few moments, Kuno blinked and released Ranma. "Oh.
This is not my twisted sister." He picked up Rama again and started
shaking him. "Saotome, how _dare_ you ensnare this young and virile
woman..."

    "Virile": (from Merriam-Webster)
1 : having the nature, properties, or qualities of an adult male;
specifically : capable of functioning as a male in copulation
2 : ENERGETIC, VIGOROUS
3 a : characteristic of or associated with men : MASCULINE b : having
traditionally masculine traits especially to a marked degree

    I most certainly hope that B-ko isn't "virile".  >_<

"Anyway, read my lips. I ain't interested. You're pretty an' all, and
the money can't be all that bad, but there are other things in life."

Puzzled, Biiko looked at Ranma, and asked, "Like what?"

"Umm, I dunno. Friends?" Ranma replied, scratching the back of his
head. "Ice-cream is nice... and--"

    Not thinking that the Daitokuji fortune can buy an awful lot of ice crea
m, is he?

"Enough! You _will_ be mine, Ranma!" Biiko shouted, before discarding
her school uniform, revealing a very flimsy hardsuit underneath.

    "Flimsy": (from Merriam-Webster)
1 a : lacking in physical strength or substance <flimsy silks> b : of
inferior materials and workmanship
2 : having little worth or plausibility

    If the hardsuit is flimsy, then I'm getting images of her making it by
wrapping herself in aluminum foil.

Ranma noticed the high heels that really clashed with the metal bikini
and sighed internally. Not overly impressed and ignoring one of the
spectators shouting, "My eyes! Oh, my eyes! Dear sweet kami! I'm
blind!" he looked at his companions for some insight.

    slander, pure and simple.  B-ko's outfits may have been the product of
insanity, but she always had her accessories color-coordinated.  And anyone
who thought she looked bad in them was probably lacking male hormones.

Akane, who had been stunned into silence throughout the conversation,
was blushing furiously and trying very hard not to look at the severely
under-dressed girl. Nabiki had a calculating smirk on her face, and
Ranma noticed her left hand reaching for a miniature camera that she
habitually carried, as he'd discovered earlier that week upon
accidentally meeting her in the dressing room of the furo. Turning his
head towards Nuku Nuku, he suppressed a laugh at how her right eye kept
on twitching violently. Unless he somehow got his facts wrong, the
catgirl was getting territorial again.

    "underdressed"

    is it my imagination, or do all of the girls in this fic have
hyperactive eyebrow muscles?  ^_^;;

Grimacing, Akane grabbed the pigtailed boy's shoulder and yelled,
"Ranma! That poor, defenseless girl will be slaughtered! How can you
just stand here and let your pet kill that completely normal--"

"Akagiyama missiles!"

"...girl," Akane finished lamely, as explosions sounded all around her,
miraculously missing the present students, who opted to flee in fear.

    since you started the break in Akane's speech using a dash, you should
start the continuation the same way:

    "that completely normal--"  "--girl,"

Hiroshi shrugged, taking out a small and worn out notepad. "I dunno.
The Americans say something about salami and an oven, so this isn't too
far fetched." He turned to a new page and began to write, talking out
loud while doing so. "Akane says 'Shove dirty chopsticks into bento'."
Reading what he had just wrote, he exclaimed, "Ohhh... Kinky!"

    "farfetched"

Unfortunately for Soun, he was the one to reach ground first, followed
by Genma-elephant right on top of him. "That... hurt," he moaned,
finding out the hard way that elephant cubs are quite heavy, before
drifting off into an unexpected rest.

    Elephants have calves, not cubs.  As a general rule of thumb, 'cub' is
the young of a predator, 'calf' is the young of an herbivore.

Knowing in her heart that Ranma would solve the problem if given the
chance, Nuku Nuku continued to stand her ground. She only winced when a
stray shot came to close to her body, going through her skirt and
setting it on fire. Not bothering to put the fire out, Nuku Nuku tore
the burning section off, idly throwing it aside.

Unable to protect Ranma from that position anymore, the catgirl grabbed
him in a fireman's carry and leaped away. The tiny device Ranma was
working on fell to the ground out of the startled pigtailed boy's
hands, clattering to the ground.

    I must be forgetting something from the first two chapters, because this
part doesn't make sense to me.  What did he just do?

Ranma's left eye twitched violently, and he shook his head angrily. The
pigtailed boy was about to shout a degenerating reply to Biiko when the
entire school yard exploded in bright white light.

    and now Ranma is having eye trouble...  ^_^;;

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